A Dark Secret (and AMA)

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Whole

United States6046 Posts

July 30 2012 07:14 GMT

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prettyhatemachine

Austria27 Posts

July 30 2012 07:24 GMT

Personally I'd think your brother knew the way your dad was feeling about dropping out of college. He seems like a confident man who achieved a lot and is quite stable. I would tell him when you're comfortable with it since it will lead to a discussion about this (at least I think so). Maybe your brother and you will talk about college and then you can ask what he thought of your dads opinion about it.

sob3k

United States7572 Posts

July 30 2012 07:26 GMT

What on earth do any of you have to gain by telling him?

Whole

United States6046 Posts

July 30 2012 07:46 GMT

tenacity

1587 Posts

July 30 2012 07:47 GMT

Don't tell him.

ArcticMuse

Australia93 Posts

July 30 2012 08:13 GMT

If your Dad wanted to let your brother know he was really THAT disappointed he would have told him himself, so why should you? Only going to make the mourning process that much harder. At least before my Dad passed away he was able to tell say how proud of me he was, and that's a great comfort - why would you want to take any semblance of that away from your brother?

Cyber_Cheese

Australia3615 Posts

July 30 2012 08:16 GMT

Tell him, but leave it for sometime you're discussing your father, bring it up like a joke.

thoraxe

United States1449 Posts

July 30 2012 08:29 GMT

Your father told you and did not explicitly tell your brother for a reason, if you tell him, you'd be going against that. It's not something that will help your brother, it might however, affect him negatively, so don't tell him. The only thing you can do is perhap question your brother on whether or not he would ever consider returning to school. Be Good Guy Greg and nudge him in the way that your father would have wanted without delivering the somber message, however, don't force him to go back to college, that is his decision.

Bagration

United States18282 Posts

July 30 2012 08:53 GMT

First off, I'm an anonymous stranger on the Internet to you, so you shouldn't take my advice too heavily.

But back on topic: Your dad might not forgive your brother for dropping out, but that doesn't mean that he hates the guy, but simply that he fundamentally disagreed with your brother's decision to drop out. But I personally don't think that there is any need to tell your brother something like that. You say that your dad and your brother were on good terms, and that is already a lot to be thankful for. It is possible to have a strong positive relationship while having fundamental disagreements.

I don't know your family dynamics as well as you do, so you make the decision. But don't like a comment like that bother you when you know that the relationship between your brother and dad is healthy. No sense in potentially ruining a good thing.

Tobberoth

Sweden6375 Posts

July 30 2012 09:02 GMT

#10

If saying something will have no positive consequence and some negative consequence, it's better not to say it. There's nothing to gain from it, other than some abstract idea that having the truth known is beneficial. Well, it isn't.

ruiyang

252 Posts

July 30 2012 11:22 GMT

#11

SeriOusly. Maybe your just a bit confused after losing something so precious. But why would you consider telling your brother something like that!? Ofcourse your brother already knows that his dad is disappointed in his choice. I dropped out of school and my parents remind me all the time to not fail this time by making me work 70hors a week. Ofcourse i know they are disappointed by the fact i never gotten a real degree. But a degree is not everything. Anyway, if for some reason they would suddenly die and someone told me they are disappointed of me, i would fkn smash all the teeth out of that persons mouth.

I hope that makes some sense.

Watermelonjuice

Canada14 Posts

July 30 2012 11:39 GMT

#12

You shouldn't tell him. However, to put yourself more at ease maybe you should ask your brother if he knows why your dad was so disappointed to that extent? It seems a lot of investment was put into the simple title or act of getting a college degree, despite your brother being an accomplished man in his own right.

On another note, how did you feel when you first learned of his death? And how did you come to accept it, if you did?

Whole

United States6046 Posts

July 30 2012 12:01 GMT

#13

...

MrASAP

United Kingdom63 Posts

July 30 2012 12:55 GMT

#14

Dont tell him. the passing of time is a great healer, your dad my have felt that at the time, but who knows how he would have felt 10-15 years down the line.

Whole

United States6046 Posts

July 30 2012 12:58 GMT

#15

Oh thanks for the responses everyone. I was feeling kind of down last night, and then that thought (my dad's statement) just entered my head, and I had to let it out to someone. Even if it would be a good idea to tell my brother, I'm not quite sure I'd have the courage to.

Denzil

United Kingdom4193 Posts

July 30 2012 14:21 GMT

#16

You said your brother spent time with him before he died, any idea if your dad straight up told him that then?

Otherwise I think it'd be better to just take it to the grave, depends on what you want to accomplish from telling him, do you want him to go back and finish college?

MapleFractal

Canada307 Posts

July 30 2012 16:53 GMT

#17

Think its better left unsaid, if your dad wanted him to know he probably does. And if that's the case your gonna do a lot of harm by just going up to him and saying that.

Whole

United States6046 Posts

July 30 2012 17:07 GMT

#18

serum321

United States606 Posts

July 30 2012 17:29 GMT

#19

I wouldn't tell him because although your father said that at that time he still certainly could have changed his mind in the future.

My older brother went out of state to college all on my parent's dime and flunked out from not going to class. At the time it caused a big rift in the family, but fifteen years later you come to realize thats not really important.

MrRicewife

Canada515 Posts

July 30 2012 17:41 GMT

#20

Are you evil? Why in the fuck would you tell him that?

This is how it will go if you're too blind to see that far ahead:

Hey bro, dad is dead right... so... just before he died he said he will never forgive you..... Hey, still coming over next weekend for the olypmics right?

DERP. Come on man! Your bro doesn't need that shit. Give me a break.

Rice

United States1332 Posts

July 30 2012 18:08 GMT

#21

Honestly, I dont think this is something you should tell your brother, things like that can really fuck with people, and absolutely NOTHING is gained by him knowing.

intrigue

Washington, D.C9934 Posts

July 30 2012 18:17 GMT

#22

100% keep to yourself

brian

United States9639 Posts

July 30 2012 18:39 GMT

#23

With all due respect to your situation I'm left wondering what you personally have against your brother that something so ridiculous is even up for debate

Vega62a

946 Posts

July 30 2012 18:40 GMT

#24

Ask yourself why you want to tell your brother, and be honest.

Is it because you think your brother would benefit from knowing it? Or is it because it's a secret that hurts to keep?

My dad passed about 6 months ago, and I've found that anything left undone, unsaid, or unfixed since then is best just left. My mother told me some really shitty things he did to her (I would never have guessed about him - he was a really good guy when I knew him) about four months after he passed, and honestly, there wasn't a silver lining to that knowledge. I don't get to factor that into my interactions with him anymore, and it doesn't make anything about him easier to understand. It was purely painful, and not at all useful. It'll fade in time, but bringing it up again will never fix it. If you're looking to be an engineer, you're probably something of a fixer already (I'm a computer engineer, I'm not just saying this) but there's nothing that can be fixed at this point.

I'm sorry for your dad's passing, man. It'll get easier as time goes on. Do your best to discard the shitty memories and keep the good ones, and keep your family close.

Whole

United States6046 Posts

July 30 2012 18:45 GMT

#25

Vega62a

946 Posts

July 30 2012 18:53 GMT

#26

On July 31 2012 03:45 Whole wrote:

Show nested quote +

I'm not expecting everyone to read all the posts in this thread, but I posted on page 1 that I think I just made the blog to let the secret out because it was kind of bothering me that I couldn't tell anyone. After I wrote the blog and got some sleep, the issue isn't really troubling anymore, and as many of you said, there is no reason to tell my brother. Thanks for the help though! A few posts gave me a new perspective.

Sorry, I must have missed that. My bad.

Glad to hear it

docvoc

United States5491 Posts

July 31 2012 00:56 GMT

#27

Don't tell him that, I made the mistake of telling my dad that his family said that I was not his child and that my mom had cheated on him (this was not the case, I'm not a bastard child) but it was hard for him to hear and he was not happy with it AT ALL. Its not worth it, keep it in and talk to a psychologist, this could not benefit either of you in any way.

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