I've spent 88 days in emotional solitude. 88 days of tears sweat and disappointment, all this work and I'm still the same heartbroken man without someone to talk to. I've talked to my friends, confided in them, but nothing matches, nothing ever will match the arms of someone you love. Things will probably never go back to how they were, there is no use spending my time wishing things were different. But I can't help it. It's how I spend every minute I'm not engaged in some ill fated goal. I just can't find passion or motivation in anything. I gave everything I was to my relationships, and I really can't find myself anymore. It's just too frustrating. I feel trapped in myself. I know I'm an attractive funny and intelligent man of 20, I'm good with women, with everything I try. But...I can't anymore. I've been flirted with, at a smoothie king after i jogged a few miles. When a woman finds you attractive enough to approach after a 3 mile jog, you don't let that shit pass. Hell she was pretty damn hot. What did I do? I looked at her, after she said: "I didn't expect to pick up more than my smoothie today" referring to me obviously, but I responded: if they got your order wrong, tell them. and then I left. I was just so disinterested for no reason other than my depression. I really don't know how to get out of this. I feel like nothing I can do will help.
Anti-depressants destroy my ability to be creative, which is terrible for an aspiring writer, and only ends up making me feel like I'm useless and hopeless, which leads to suicidal thoughts. So those are out. I don't know, I guess I need a relationship with a girl that is willing to put up with this shit of mine for a while. But it's a hell of a lot easier said than done. I never thought I'd be in so little control of my own life. But I guess that's what happens when you put everyone else in front of yourself for four years, only to lose them all.
I'm just not sure where to go or who to talk to. It all seems pointless because I can't find a way to keep going once I start. I've never felt like I have value as an individual, only having value for what I can do for others which sounds all noble and great, until the reality of it sets in on you. When you are just completely alone. Damn, I sound really messed up. I can't wait for this feeling to end.