So I have been pining over one girl for about two years or so, maybe. I don't know her that well and she doesn't either. Maybe she doesn't even know I exist. Anyway, to cut the shit, I don't have much of a chance of her realistically. I can't confirm this thought because I'm a beta.
Now it seems that my feelings for this particular girl are getting weaker and weaker. So another girl, let's call her X, enters this story. She's in my class. I see her about everyday or so and she's rather attractive.
* To raise a point that I feel is important - the girl I barely know, right? Evidence says that I only like her for her looks or because of the person that I made her out to be (putting her on a pedestal). *
First thing to ask is am I shallow for liking girls that are attractive? I'm going to confidently answer my own questions and say that it's fine because I'm an adolescent.
The problem with X is that she isn't perfect. Granted she is more real than the girl I barely know, but some things bother me. For one she doesn't take things that I take seriously as serious as I do - politics, etc. I think I'm shallow for this because her taste of music is pretty bad to me and that is like a major "urgh" thing for me. However, I think if we were to get together 1 day I can change her to suit MY preferences. ( So bad because I'm only using her for dat face )
So the choice for this is whether I should abandon ship Girl I Barely Know (GBIK) and get on-board ship X.
My proposed game-plan is to first approach GBIK and I should be able to do this easier because the feelings aren't as intense as the first few stages of infatuation and such. Doing this there can only be 2 things
1) Become friends with GBIK, scale the situation, if able to girlfriend, girlfriend. Otherwise, 2) Go to X
This isn't based on anything of particular importance (eg 1 is more important than 2), it's only the logical course of action guys.
Why do you need to decide or force yourself to go out with either of them? from what i get from your post there's no boats or plans, you have a crush on some hot chick and are friend with another one. If you're inflatued with that girl, by all means plz go talk to her. don't be a creep, be casual and lighthearted. like you don't only go towards chicks you want to bang, you can make friends with everyone and if you feel particulary well with someone, get it a step further. about the other, less desirable one. what's the plan B mentality... you know you don't HAVE TO date anyone, if there's no attraction you don't need to force it, go meet new people, there's surely someone out there to match your interests. also there's not one girl "more real" than the other one, they're both humans, they both poop, they both have troubles and ugly sides.. you're a teenager, you don't need money or looks to date a girl, just some confidence. in conclusion, don't make weird social hierarchy you invented control your life, socialize with many people, don't "make plans" just have some fun with other people (guys and girls) and surely you will meet someone you will like as a whole.
Get to know both of them first. There's no need to just think to yourself "oh, gonna have to go for her cause the other doesn't like me." How will you know? You've never even asked girl a if she likes you.
Now granted she probably doesn't because it sounds like you haven't tried to get know her, so do that first.
Get to know them both, and if you like one more than the other, than that's who you should ask out
Get to know both of them first. There's no need to just think to yourself "oh, gonna have to go for her cause the other doesn't like me." How will you know? You've never even asked girl a if she likes you.
Now granted she probably doesn't because it sounds like you haven't tried to get know her, so do that first.
Get to know them both, and if you like one more than the other, than that's who you should ask out
Sorry I forgot to add something
I'm trying to get to be friends with X. Our conversations are of matters that interests her, and such. Like I saw her reading the Hunger Games, so I went up and talked to her about the series and other books.
You shouldn't get either, you don't sound old enough to be dating. "I think if we were to get together 1 day I can change her to suit MY preferences" - REALLY?!
Look man this shit usually doesn't work like 'pick a girl and success'. You gotta get out there, chat with all the girls and see what happens. You'll be surprised how a girl with mediocre looks can turn into a hot chick just because she's awesome. Don't go around looking for a chick that pretty tand try to shape her into your ideal woman. not only is that lame. You'll fail at it. Gotta like them girls for who they are, not what you can mild em into.
Yeah mizu and arcanefrost have some pretty good advice there
But yeah, overall BIG said exactly what I wanted to say. You don't just pick a girl and get success. Just go out on a limb meet girls. Beauty is a depreciating asset, eventually the girl you end up with for good will not be as pretty as when you first met her or whatever, and looks can be changed a lot with makeup and surgery and whatnot (not so much surgery in the US though). Maybe you just want to "get with" pretty girls as much as possible as something, in which case your rationale is largely justified but it doesn't make what you want to do any less silly.
On June 29 2012 20:41 Otolia wrote: Every person entering a relationship to "change the other one" is being really really really really foolish (and I am being nice here)
Do yourself and her a favor, don't try to change her.
I thought this was pretty obvious; you are being pretty nice . I cannot imagine that after writing out "I will change her during the relationship" and then reading that oneself, that one would actually think that that's a good idea. Seriously? Just flip it around, do you think that it's a good idea for a girl to go into the relationship and honestly expect you to change to meet her expectations? Whatever you do, don't actively try to change her in this way. Sheesh.
"However, I think if we were to get together 1 day I can change her to suit MY preferences." This is a recipe for disaster. Don't plan on molding someone else into something they're not. If you continue with this gameplan you're going to push any potential girlfriends away, quickly. Focus on your own self-improvement if you like, or learn why she likes what she does and just enjoy it.
First of all "I'm a beta" that really bothers me, hell maybe that's why you wrote a blog on TL instead of going for her (whichever one) already. Get some confidence dude!
Based on the text I'm going to assume this is a high school level of girl problem, in which case the answer is almost always just go for whoever and see what happens.
I thinks OP means she is pretty but everything else about her isn't exactly to his liking. I think I'm in the same situation but I'm too lazy to try to "change" her.
You can use your intellect to carve your character but you can't reason your way into relationships. The mind can be your worst enemy at times. Don't let it tell you how a 'relationship' with someone will be (or especially, what it would feel like); stupid mind doesn't and can't possibly know. Any attachment you form on these mental fabrications will poison whatever could have been. Forget the mind and listen to your heart in the moment (i.e. start creating moments XD)-- then you'll know for sure whether you're on the right track or not.
As for the "beta" comment, you're a complex human being! Feel free to reduce yourself to a four letter word if you like, but I guarantee you that it is a completely and utterly useless limiting belief. Your mind is clearly a relentless symbolic labeling machine;.. tame the beast!!
Get to know both a little more. Scope their personalities until you are confident you know which one is better for you. Then ask her out. Then either you have an awesome girlfriend, or go and ask the next one. If neither approach is successful, abandon ship and find another girl.
All other 'solutions' are half-solutions, this is the only way. One day in your life you will learn this, all men learn this, the only question is how long will it be 'til you learn to control your fear and jump this hurdle! Good luck.
Dude, man, thing. Ok so liking attractive girls is never ever ever a bad thing. Everyone likes attractive girls. They are attractive. But uh yeah get to know both the girls. Actually get to know even more girls, all of them if you can. If one of them seems really interested in you, then go for it. Nothing wrong with making friends with girls.
This blog...there is no decision to be made because it's not like you have two girls going balls crazy for you here. If you feel a legitimate connection and stop focusing on your neuroses (trying to change her to suit YOUR preferences one day?), then just ask a girl out. Also, maybe a big stereotype on my part here, but I think I can paint an annoying picture if you're a teenager who is very into politics.
The way you talk about it, you make it sound pretty foolish. Just imagine if they read this blog you are writing, lol. And imagine when they heard you call yourself a "beta".
I am not the best guy to give advice, but sometimes coming from someone else it's much easier to hear.. but, I think that you should analyze what you want from a relationship and analyze your feelings. This girl you have been pining over.. we've all had that girl..chances are she doesn't exactly notice you because she's probably crushing hard on some other guy just like you are over her. If it was mutual, you'd be able to tell..
In the meantime, you have a girl that you think likes you that you know better than the other. Don't force anything because you will regret it if you don't really want it. It's nearly impossible to "change" somebody by force. Granted, you can change people you enter relationships with but usually it's through them seeing your good qualities and adapting, or possibly even bad I suppose, but you can't specifically want to change someone like it's a project.
However, if you think you like this "girl X" as you call her, then get to know her. But remember, no one's forcing you to pick either. Maybe girl "Y" is the real girl for you, you just have to be patient.
I've had my share of crushes, a lot of times I realize in the end that the girl I was trying to get wasn't the right one for me anyway.
TLDR: Keep an open mind. Forcing things in any way has never worked for me, and only by being free and open minded have I had good luck with women
The following does contain a lot of assumptions that I apologize beforehand if they are untrue, this is just how I felt after reading your post.
I'll be honest, I don't think you're going to go with any "plan". I can only assume that the poll in this blog will let you feel better about not doing anything, and continue excusing yourself for being a "beta". You put her on a pedestal by pining over her for two years, but then say she's not perfect. Who's perfect, and are you completely turned off by her lack of caring towards politics and taste in music? Assuming you're in your teens (due to saying you were an adolescent), most people in this age group are not into politics. It's not a bad thing, but it's safe to say that you're in the minority. If you really care as much about politics as you emphasize (again, assuming since the ",etc." usually means you can't think of anything else -- I do it all the time), then maybe it won't work out. Or maybe it will?
It just seems like you're looking for excuses to remain a beta and continue admiring from afar. It's fun to theorycraft, which is probably what you're doing here, and so no actions are going to be done. You'll continue to find imperfections and justify your inaction while at the same time continue think she's out of your league. And thinking about changing her? Why would you do that, just because she doesn't care for politics and have your taste in music? The best you can do is make her aware of your interests and have her decide for herself. If you're looking for a relationship (which I assume you are because she needs to have the same interests as you), then what's wrong with her not caring about politics and preferring different music (aka having a personality)? Chances are she's normal, and nothing wrong with her.
TL;DR: All theorycraft. Just go out and do something, anything. You're thinking way too far ahead. Do some work, then you can make real decisions.
Try to get to know both of them better, you'll end up finding that you have less in common than you think. Also, changing someone's taste in music, etc. is hard to do/impossible, they might pick up little things but major things are hard to force someone to change.
I think if you look hard enough, you might find someone that has the same interests as you and clicks better with you.
On June 29 2012 18:54 An Ornery Owl wrote: First thing to ask is am I shallow for liking girls that are attractive? I'm going to confidently answer my own questions and say that it's fine because I'm an adolescent.
More like "it's fine because we're human". There's nothing wrong with this. Everyone has an individual "type" they find attractive.
It only becomes a problem if that's the only thing you ever see. I don't care if she's a supermodel, if she acts like the devil incarnate then you probably won't want to date her. You will still find her attractive, but you won't want anything to do with her unless you're horny. If you're looking to find a good girlfriend then height, weight, and cup size should come long after how she treats you, how well you get along, and how much fun you have with her. If you instantly write a woman off because she's not a size 2 or doesn't have long hair then yes, you are indeed shallow. If you have the choice to date two women and you choose the hotter one based on looks alone then you're probably shallow as well. However, becoming infatuated with a pretty face? That's not shallow, but if you never look beyond that pretty face then you're really doing her whole character an injustice.
Edit:
The problem with X is that she isn't perfect. Granted she is more real than the girl I barely know, but some things bother me. For one she doesn't take things that I take seriously as serious as I do - politics, etc. I think I'm shallow for this because her taste of music is pretty bad to me and that is like a major "urgh" thing for me. However, I think if we were to get together 1 day I can change her to suit MY preferences. ( So bad because I'm only using her for dat face )
RED FLAG!!!!!!
You can NEVER change anyone. You can introduce them to new things and see if they like it themselves, but you can't say "Hey, stop liking X because I think it's annoying". The only person who can change her is her, not you. Even attempting something like this is controlling, manipulative, and downright abusive.
Anyway, take a moment and think of the things that you MUST have in common to be together. I'm not talking "liking the things you like". These are your "standards". For example, I will never date a woman who is closed minded. I will also never consider dating a woman who is struggling with hard emotional issues and refuses to get professional help. It's ok if there's not a lot of these, but if you have a whole bunch then your standards may be too high. Some of these are ideals while some of them are borne out of bad experiences. Just be careful with what you think is truly important because I know far too many people who describe their perfect match as themselves.
If something is bugging you that isn't part of the list then try and let it go. My current girlfriend loves country music, for example. I HATE country music. My ex-girlfriend constantly listened to Top 40 (urgh). When it comes down to it, taste in music pales in comparison to bigger issues, like closed-mindedness.
Finally, every once and a while a woman will challenge one of your standards. I'm currently dating an apathetic Buddhist when before I told myself I'd only date a practicing Christian. If you find yourself in such a situation just give it time - see if it's as big a deal as you originally thought.
On June 30 2012 01:28 Elegance wrote: Most girl blog problems can be solved by taking a look at yourself and changing/improving. This definitely applies to this blog
Actually, most of these girl blog problems can be solved by manning up.
On June 30 2012 01:28 Elegance wrote: Most girl blog problems can be solved by taking a look at yourself and changing/improving. This definitely applies to this blog
Actually, most of these girl blog problems can be solved by manning up.
Manning up is a result of proper self awareness and self improvement.
EPT
