But, you need to distance yourself from this woman. She cheated on you and that is going to stay between you two forever. You may forgive her, but it will always be there. Just be glad you're not married to her and try as hard as you can to forget her. If you were married, you'd have no choice, but you're not, so it's a blessing this happened when it did. Unfortunately, you'll never be able to trust her (and probably rightfully so) the same way again.
I just can't see it ending well if you took her back.
edit: I wanted to be clear. I do believe people can forgive and then have a good relationship, but something drastic would have to change with the person that was unfaithful. I don't see that in this situation.
Very shady, and even then my red flags were raised the moment you said "she wanted me to go for as long as possible". Also i agree with other people saying you shouldn't give her the chance, she didn't respect you enough to tell you outright she was cheating or even letting you know she was having doubts about the relationship. Find someone else, there are other women more deserving of your love and care.
You are way to forgiving, things will never be the same between you. If she cheated on you, she WILL only do it again. Despite you feeling like you love her, if you really search your feelings you will find that what you are feeling is past love memory. Not current love, I dont think it could be possible given what shes done. You can never trust a cheater and liar again, which means you will never have a normal relationship again.
Have to agree with the other comments, she appears to lie to you constantly and won't come clean until you put allot of pressure on her. Let's be clear, she is trying to deceive you of what she really is doing. Some people just do that to sort out their problems, its their strategy to cope with scary or perceived bad possible outcomes. It has nothing to do with you or who she is interaction with, some people just believe that is the best or only way to deal with hard situations and most people stick with their strategies and refuses to change.
So your question is that you have to answer is are you okay living with a person that uses these kinds of tactics when they are in a tough spot, cause I'll tell you right now, she is prolly doing this allot and just not with you around your issues relating to your relationship. Do you feel comfortable with her doing this, do you still feel you can trust her, even though she has done this in the past which you are not aware of, of the things she just did that you just now noticed, and in any future interactions where she WILL do this more. if no, then break up with her. If yes then keep going and find some way to cope with her behavior.
Well and that's pretty much where I am now. She actually saw him three times for just a dinner or lunch after she came back in March to live with me again while I was working - she says she ended it and doesn't want to go back. I always told her telling the truth is better, and confronted her and said that I might give her another chance - she said she wants to stay with me, and asked me if I will marry her right now or at least this year (I told her no way). I had one condition for her to get one last chance - she will tell me absolutely everything, including the guys name, address, phone number, and will never lie again. She told me the guys name only after I wanted to kick her out on the street at 12pm, and the next day it took her 3 hours to give me his address and phone number, but refused to show me her phone, deleted messages from him and went outside because she "needs time to think".
I still obviously love her, and I would forgive her - but this seems just too much. Can I be with a person who lied to me like that? She is by no means perfect, she gained quite a bit of weight recently, hates starcraft, poker or dota and is no brainiac or extremely hot, but is very kind, people like her and we click so well and I know she would be awesome with a family. And she is Asian. What would you do?
Sorry to hear that. Trust is and always will be the most important thing in any human relationship. You can't look into someones head and see what the is thinking right now, so you'll always need to depend on your judgement to make decisions involving a person.
how can you make reliable judgements about a persons behaviour if that person already violated your trust in the past? if she was able to do it once, then you always need to expect her to act like this again in the future. so every time in the future that she is angry or disappointed it could be possible that she sleeps with some other guy? yeah great basis for a marriage/relationship.
Yup, she's told you a lot of shit about this guy and her already, and I think it's pretty clear she's still hiding shit from you. She's using you for stability. If you're ok with this then that's on you. If you're not and don't mind having her stay with you, use her for sex until something better comes along and then bump her to the side of the road. If you're not ok with this and do mind her staying with you, bump her now.
Personally, I like option 2. Some people would see this as a scumbag move, but I like sex. I think it's fun. So if you don't mind having her stay with you until you find a better alternative, go for it.
Edit: Option 1 being who cares that she took advantage of you/is still taking advantage of you/lied about it, you "love" her. Option 2: Sex until you find something better Option 3: Bump her now and use your hand until you find something better
You should take this as a lesson learned. I'm 32 now and didn't really figure this shit out till my mid 20s. Women like assholes. Not massive over the top assholes, but just enough. It's telling that she gravitates towards the man who treats her badly. Like for instance my girlfriend is outside my bathroom door right now basically begging me to come deal with her case, and I just laugh and keep messing around on the internet. It gives them something to work towards or something. I don't pretend to understand it but it's just the way it is.
Kick the bitch out on her head and salvage whatever pride you have left and take that confidence into your next relationship. you need to walk away at the slightest hint that your Gf isn't completely ride or die. Girls can ruin your entire life bro and men get better looking as they age. You don't have the same time constraints on you that a woman does as time is not their friend.
I don't see a real chance for this relationship. She lied, cheated on you, and said she would never do it again (but won't show you her phone). She is still hiding something from you. I think the best thing to do in this situation is to break it off with her and kick her out on the street. Perhaps if she was truly sorry about the cheating, she would have came out with the full truth at the beginning and cried her eyes out etc. But from what I read, she doesn't even seem sorry enough to even show you her phone. Her still holding onto the other guy shows that you are her second choice. She's keeping her options open in case the other guy decides to take her back.
I really feel bad for you man. Sucks to have that happen.
But really even if you forgive her for everything relationships are all about trust. If you can't trust her when you're not home or when you or she goes out then that's not a healthy relationship. Constantly asking where they other person is, what they are doing and who they are with just show an insecure relationship. Also she should be someone you enjoy living with, doing things together and trust completely. Really if she doesn't fit in that criteria then you should not be with her. She doesn't even like your hobbies and unless you quit or she deals with it then that will always be a sore point.
There are plenty of other people out there. Just because there might not be someone else now doesn't mean that you should stick with what you have. You sound like you're turning your life around for the better and you shouldn't have her drag you down.
On April 09 2012 00:45 caradoc wrote: EDIT: WOAH... WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A GODDAMNED MINUTE. HATES STARCRAFT? Deal breaker. Gad, you should have put that as the first line of your post.
IKR? Why even have this discussion in the first place? She doesn't support your hobbies.
On April 09 2012 01:28 Kilocide wrote: You should take this as a lesson learned. I'm 32 now and didn't really figure this shit out till my mid 20s. Women like assholes. Not massive over the top assholes, but just enough. It's telling that she gravitates towards the man who treats her badly. Like for instance my girlfriend is outside my bathroom door right now basically begging me to come deal with her case, and I just laugh and keep messing around on the internet. It gives them something to work towards or something. I don't pretend to understand it but it's just the way it is.
Kick the bitch out on her head and salvage whatever pride you have left and take that confidence into your next relationship. you need to walk away at the slightest hint that your Gf isn't completely ride or die. Girls can ruin your entire life bro and men get better looking as they age. You don't have the same time constraints on you that a woman does as time is not their friend.
Man up.
About the asshole part, it still stuns me. I know allot of "nice" guys that never gotten a girl, ever. Then I know real fucking idiots, they don't care about their appearance, have no job or future cause of their "fuck you" atlitude, I would never socialize with this people. Yet they get girlfriends fairly easy, and some of the time, for some odd reason the women won't leave them even if they get physically or mentally abused they make up all kinds of excuses "it's not his fault, he just has it bad right now, he needs me" and so forth, ya he needs you alright, as a punching bag! It blows my mind, seriously.
Accept her back but PLEASE don't beg for conditions like " plz now tell me everything, i want know where you eat what when, with whom " . And for the love of god why would you ask for theh guy's address and phone number, it's not like he threatened her to cheat on him, she wanted it to.As a matter of fact she did him in any ways possible so " no tongue" is her way of saying "i did it all, what difference does it makes now" .
If you ever want her to "change" and stop trashing around with other guys, you need to have a cold attitude and don't make promises, neither ask her to promise things. And if ever you get the chance to get laid with someone else, do it and don't regret it. Your GF will not stop cheating on you no matter how much you love her and buy her cute things but at least you will not be affected that much anymore.
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You have a queer notion of what an "imperfect" woman is my friend, or what kind is for that matter. A woman who cheats then lies to your face is not a "kind person." I wouldn't call her imperfect either, I would call that a character flaw. She sounds like a user and an abuser. I know love is blind and all but in this case it has bleached your eyes. She is not worth the effort, she will probably cheat and lie again and I wouldn't be surprised if she started contacting the other guy again as soon as she whiffed trouble brewing between you two. You like her since she's asian? A billion more where that came from.
a strong relationship should be based around mutual respect, if she lied to you that much in the past, I don't think she deserves any 2nd chance. Also I doubt that she'll never lie to you again in the future.
She cheated on you once, she will do it again. You will never be happy with her unless you can accept her fucking guys when she's bored, and then blaming you (job, lifestyle, whatever excuse she can find to justify herself). You love her, and want to not see this. But the fact does not change. She is a cheater with you. That will never, ever change. That is in the most basic dynamic of your relationship.
I was just watching how i met your mother season 1 and two and the main character LIlly was afraid of relationship and wanted to be free for a bit to find herself.
your situation really sucks dude and you gotta make your decision yourself. But maybe after all shes been through she now realizes what she likes and it was you and that's why shes with you now
EPT
