My gf just left me for her ex a few days ago. I was angry, hurt, and disappointed, but that period has past. She handled the situation remarkably well. I don't blame her for feeling how she felt. It is hard to control your feelings. She wanted to go back to China in a few years. I could not go back for her. Her ex is from China. The situation sucks, but the world keeps moving. The following is a reminder to stay true to myself.
No regrets, no hate - only love and acceptance. She did not leave you because she fell in love with another man. She left because of circumstance. Do not blame her. Understand her. Because it is understandable. She loved him more than you. It is not personal. She knew him longer. He provided her safety and security. Understand that. She loved you too. Circumstance tore you apart, nothing else. Dispel all doubt and look to the future. Remain friends. She deserves your friendship. She is the type of friend you want.
Don’t rush into a relationship. Take some time and heal. You were happiest when you were single. Remember that. You are made for the single life. Do not pursue, peruse. Test the waters. Enjoy yourself. The one for you is out there. Do not seek her (or him) out. You will know when you know.
Confide in your friends. You can’t get through this alone.
Don’t lose track of yourself. Resume improving yourself. You halted and even regressed for a while. Do not make that mistake again. Be confident. Speak with conviction. Smile. Smiling is contagious. Smile. Be friendly. Be flirty. Be everything you want until you are what you want.
Don’t lose sight of your convictions. You believe in kindness and honesty. Don’t let this change that. She did not cheat on you. She did not want this to happen. It is circumstance.
I came to this blog eager to offer advice... but I'm afraid I have no words of wisdom to offer. Instead, I think I'll take some of your messages and have a moment of recollection.
Never let anyone else get in the way of who you want to be. Don't lose sight of what truly matters. You made me log in for the first time in years just to say this.
On March 24 2012 15:28 xiaofan wrote: No regrets, no hate - only love and acceptance. She did not leave you because she fell in love with another man. She left because of circumstance. Do not blame her. Understand her. Because it is understandable. She loved him more than you. It is not personal. She knew him longer. He provided her safety and security. Understand that. She loved you too. Circumstance tore you apart, nothing else. Dispel all doubt and look to the future. Remain friends. She deserves your friendship. She is the type of friend you want.
Not to get sidetracked, but it's especially personal.
Other than that, the tone and attitude of the OP is positive in a way, but borderline dismissive and ignorant.
GL man, sounds like you have your head in a good place, but don't be afraid to experience any raw emotions that come along, even when they contradict how you want to feel.
On March 24 2012 15:40 xhuwin wrote: Never let anyone else get in the way of who you want to be. Don't lose sight of what truly matters. You made me log in for the first time in years just to say this.
Who would leave such a sexy sexy man?
I'm sorry man. It's been quite some time since you, xhuwin, and I played BGH on U.S. East. Like 2 years now? I'd always manage to throw the game with my patented 9-gate speedzeal build.
I like your attitude a lot. It's a very healthy way of looking at it, though it takes a lot of self-confidence and maturity to be able to look at a situation like that and say "it's not personal; it's just circumstance."
I hope I can learn from your pain, though when I inevitably face these circumstances, I am totally going to take it as an indictment of my value as a human being.
On March 24 2012 15:40 xhuwin wrote: Never let anyone else get in the way of who you want to be. Don't lose sight of what truly matters. You made me log in for the first time in years just to say this.
Who would leave such a sexy sexy man?
I'm sorry man. It's been quite some time since you, xhuwin, and I played BGH on U.S. East. Like 2 years now? I'd always manage to throw the game with my patented 9-gate speedzeal build.
I like your attitude a lot. It's a very healthy way of looking at it, though it takes a lot of self-confidence and maturity to be able to look at a situation like that and say "it's not personal; it's just circumstance."
I hope I can learn from your pain, though when I inevitably face these circumstances, I am totally going to take it as an indictment of my value as a human being.
Thank you so much for your support, Gummy (and to everyone else who posted)! Resentment festers. There is no point in pointing fingers and regretting the past. Forgive and forget. You and those around you will be happier. Above all else, this is most important.
On March 24 2012 15:28 xiaofan wrote: No regrets, no hate - only love and acceptance. She did not leave you because she fell in love with another man. She left because of circumstance. Do not blame her. Understand her. Because it is understandable. She loved him more than you. It is not personal. She knew him longer. He provided her safety and security. Understand that. She loved you too. Circumstance tore you apart, nothing else. Dispel all doubt and look to the future. Remain friends. She deserves your friendship. She is the type of friend you want.
Not to get sidetracked, but it's especially personal.
Other than that, the tone and attitude of the OP is positive in a way, but borderline dismissive and ignorant.
Divito, you are entitled to your perspective on the matter, and I respect that. Here is how I see it. Dismissive is forgiveness. Ignorance is giving the benefit of the doubt. I was bitter for the first few days and it made me feel terrible. It is easy to blame yourself and others, and curse the world for what happened, but it gets you nowhere. It doesn't matter what you want to call it. What matters is that one's mind comes to peace with the terms, and the world can move on.
such a touchpad master of BW can only attract hordes of attractive women in the future
things are probably hard but you have a great mindset. i need one of those for myself. best of luck and hope you can pursue your own goals and happiness in due time
such a touchpad master of BW can only attract hordes of attractive women in the future
things are probably hard but you have a great mindset. i need one of those for myself. best of luck and hope you can pursue your own goals and happiness in due time
such a touchpad master of BW can only attract hordes of attractive women in the future
things are probably hard but you have a great mindset. i need one of those for myself. best of luck and hope you can pursue your own goals and happiness in due time
thx mona =)
yeah ok so in the name of procrastinating on my thesis i will drop my personal opinion here
in my case, my ex is in general a good person and i would in a vacuum still like him as a friend; as with all former significant others we were best friends and after a particularly catastrophic breakup we were still close and stayed friends for a while
BUT
in the end, it is better to take all our memories (in the form of letters, objects, etc), sell them, and burn what can't be sold.
it might not be the same in your case, but being the bigger person will only last so long before you realize you're still hurt by the other person's existence
such a touchpad master of BW can only attract hordes of attractive women in the future
things are probably hard but you have a great mindset. i need one of those for myself. best of luck and hope you can pursue your own goals and happiness in due time
thx mona =)
yeah ok so in the name of procrastinating on my thesis i will drop my personal opinion here
in my case, my ex is in general a good person and i would in a vacuum still like him as a friend; as with all former significant others we were best friends and after a particularly catastrophic breakup we were still close and stayed friends for a while
BUT
in the end, it is better to take all our memories (in the form of letters, objects, etc), sell them, and burn what can't be sold.
it might not be the same in your case, but being the bigger person will only last so long before you realize you're still hurt by the other person's existence
/end debbydowner
debbydowner indeed haha. I will keep that in mind. What you said echos the general consensus on Google, so I don't doubt what you say will likely happen... I already threw away/deleted everything that reminds me of her, and we agreed not to talk for exactly a month. I don't want to be best friends, or even close friends, but it's a shame to start burning a bridge that was never on fire.
Edit: And I think the whole remaining friends after a breakup heavily depends on the nature of the breakup. My first gf, I never want to talk to again because she was nuts lol. But yeah, it's definitely tough to stay friends =(. I hope this blog maybe helped sway your mind a bit. If your ex is worth keeping as a friend, then give it some time and maybe try again?
It's interesting, I would've agreed with you and said that Google doesn't know the situation, cliche blanket responses of burn-and-destroy are not one-size-fits-all, etc. But in some sense, stereotypes are stereotypes because they're true to a certain degree.
I experimented with not burning the bridge and it's not easy. I don't actually think there's any easy path after this haha D:
EDIT in response to your edit: I think what you'll find is that if you still communicate with your ex, you will realize you have higher expectations for that person than usual people. They will have the capacity to hurt you in the slightest ways because of their change in priorities that no longer include you. It's a huge change and actually makes them different people...and I think it takes time for you to realize that, so it's better to cut off and start a friendship in an indefinite time in the future.
I had a really sad talk where I tell my ex I don't know whether to burn the bridge but everyone keeps telling me to, and he tells me not to listen to all the people who don't know the situation, and that he doesn't even think of me as an "ex" but just "Mona"...that maybe stereotypical responses don't apply and that he still cares for me a lot.
On March 24 2012 18:28 hazelynut wrote: It's interesting, I would've agreed with you and said that Google doesn't know the situation, cliche blanket responses of burn-and-destroy are not one-size-fits-all, etc. But in some sense, stereotypes are stereotypes because they're true to a certain degree.
I experimented with not burning the bridge and it's not easy. I don't actually think there's any easy path after this haha D:
The best solution here is to forget about everything and work on getting into GM.
I'm sure the chinese guy was extremely upset and sad that she left him and went for you. She sounds like a pretty poor quality person imo. Flitting between people based on geography.
On March 24 2012 21:05 sc4k wrote: I'm sure the chinese guy was extremely upset and sad that she left him and went for you. She sounds like a pretty poor quality person imo. Flitting between people based on geography.
It is a bit more complicated than that, with all of us moving around and things falling into place. They broke up because she came to America to go to school, and now he came here as well. He came last Friday, out of nowhere, and within days, my ex broke up with me. That is why I say it is circumstance. I do agree that fitting between people based on geography (and such a fast turnover) is poor quality, but I understand. She wanted to go back to China, and I couldn't do that for her, so she was cutting it off now for someone who could. Is it selfish? Yes. But it was the right choice for her, so I must respect that. It's such a shame that is the reason we broke up. So that is why I say it is not personal.
My girlfriend also just left me for her ex-boyfriend. On Sunday (MArch 25) it'll have been 1 full week since she left. It was a 2.5 year relationship, and she had moved in for the last 8 months or so.
A lot of crap happened, about 1 year into the relationship she called me up crying that she missed her ex BF. I was pretty upset but I said fine. I went to her house to grab my stuff and she begged me to stay and that she was sorry, she'd never do that again. When I questioned why this came up at all, she said she'd gotten a facebook message from him. She showed me the facebook message and it was a very.. emotional email saying he missed her etc.
Fast foward about 6 months and everything is going well enough that I decided to invite her to live with me. While here over the course of a few months, I started to notice she was on Facebook more and more - we're talking 4-5 hours a day. I figured this was usual for a chick. She'd started chatting with him again, and eventually they decided they should be together.
The one thing I learned from this, and have no regrets is because honestly we were never meant to be together. She never had closure from the last relationship and had only left him because she thought he'd ask her to marry him. So she got scared and left. The only thing I wish is that she'd chosen to leave sooner, so we both could be happy sooner.
So word for the wise and the OP; if it doesn't work it, maybe it wasn't meant to be and happiness will come along (maybe even from your past). It sounds like you know the mantra to get past the heartache and nothing cures it faster than hanging with friends and chilling.
My girlfriend also just left me for her ex-boyfriend. On Sunday (MArch 25) it'll have been 1 full week since she left. It was a 2.5 year relationship, and she had moved in for the last 8 months or so.
A lot of crap happened, about 1 year into the relationship she called me up crying that she missed her ex BF. I was pretty upset but I said fine. I went to her house to grab my stuff and she begged me to stay and that she was sorry, she'd never do that again. When I questioned why this came up at all, she said she'd gotten a facebook message from him. She showed me the facebook message and it was a very.. emotional email saying he missed her etc.
Fast foward about 6 months and everything is going well enough that I decided to invite her to live with me. While here over the course of a few months, I started to notice she was on Facebook more and more - we're talking 4-5 hours a day. I figured this was usual for a chick. She'd started chatting with him again, and eventually they decided they should be together.
The one thing I learned from this, and have no regrets is because honestly we were never meant to be together. She never had closure from the last relationship and had only left him because she thought he'd ask her to marry him. So she got scared and left. The only thing I wish is that she'd chosen to leave sooner, so we both could be happy sooner.
So word for the wise and the OP; if it doesn't work it, maybe it wasn't meant to be and happiness will come along (maybe even from your past). It sounds like you know the mantra to get past the heartache and nothing cures it faster than hanging with friends and chilling.
I feel your pain... it's been about a month since my girlfriend left me, partly because of an ex. Sadly it was also my first girlfriend, so the hurt was that much deeper... and she decided to tell me she wanted to "talk" with a text in the morning before work.
It's all a bit of a blur at this point. She's not a super traditional Chinese girl in all respects, but in certain areas she is SUPER traditional. She had previously wanted to only date once and marry that person, but it didn't work out partially because of some issues between them and also the fact that her parents didn't really like him.
Then one weekend she went home for a cousin's wedding party and ran into him... and then I guess she realized that she still greatly cared for him and so decided to break things off on the Monday. The worst part? It was less than 2 weeks after Valentine's Day. Wait, I can top that. It was less than one week after our 6 month anniversary...
It still hurts a bit now, about a month after the break-up. Not nearly as bad, I'm fairly surprised at the rate in which I'm getting better. I've not really had to do the burning bridge thing too much either: a lot of the stuff she gave me I've hidden away but for Valentine's Day she had given me a really nice watch, much better than the one I was using before, so I've kept that and am still using it.
Oh, I guess I should mention that I came to China to work in the hospitality industry, specifically a hotel. She also works there, so by necessity we run into each other at times. Definitely been awkward on more than one occasion and we still don't really speak. Last time we ran into each other at the staff canteen I walked by her and actually said "Hello." All she managed was a little "peep-like" noise and a sheepish look. Ah well, better than a couple weeks back when she walked into the office and I felt my heart tighten up in pain when I saw her.
It does get better, and I'm surprised how well you've done with the situation. I know I'm fairly okay with it now, but there was some slight resentment on my end when it first went down. I even had a dream a couple nights ago that I ran into her and her ex-boyfriend (I don't know what he looks like in person, but somehow I knew it was him in the dream) at some restaurant. They didn't see me as I was sitting behind them with some friends, but at some point they left the restaurant happy and arm-in-arm and it was fairly depressing, haha. I've only shared this dream with like two of my friends so far and yet I'm posting here, the internet's power of anonymity!
Keep at it dude, you'll find someone better who cares for you and actually deserves your love. ^_^
Pretty cool to see that you are very calm and understanding about the situation. There will be someone in your life again before you know it, and this breakup will be nothing more than a good experience you were able to learn from and move past.
On March 24 2012 15:34 OpticalShot wrote: I came to this blog eager to offer advice... but I'm afraid I have no words of wisdom to offer. Instead, I think I'll take some of your messages and have a moment of recollection.
This...
Going through the same thing, except my situation is a little worse. Actually, a lot worse. Great advice. My problem is I have a terrible time moving forward. In the past, I dwell on the moment for months but as soon as I break free I come to a realisation that being single is just as great as being with someone.
the moving on an accepting, good. The whole "its not her fault" bad. you're young though so you'll eventually learn how its just about that you filled her need of acceptance like a "rebound", and if she really cared about you, she would've apologized.
On March 25 2012 03:54 Risen wrote: This is why I have a no talking to exes policy. Want to talk to your ex while we're in a relationship? End it.
the grass is always greener.. The reason people go back to their Ex is because they're chasing a fantasy, and if a chick really does go back she's being rewarded (like a pavlovian dog) for her behavior, so she will do it MORE in the future. There's a reason that a study proved that females with less sexual partners over a lifetime can have a more stable marriage in the future, and it will last longer. (note: men can do the same thing, if women reward them like pavlov for changing "up").
She didn't love her ex enough to stay with him. She didn't love you enough to stay with you, because going back to china means getting back with her ex. Its a simple case of "I need anyone to love me/tap it". She's the immature one.
EPT
