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I burnt out. It probably started three years ago. My high hopes were met with wild thing that we all know - life,which loves to pet us with it is disturbing way of screwing everything up. I was changing since being a child, because my sister died very early which really hit me. I couldn't believe it and nothing would explain why thing like that would happen. I was attending to a horrible school with horrible students. Bullying, cussing during school was normal. As far I know, many of my "friends" were smoking and drinking alcohol, just a reminder,I was about 11 then. Now I think 80% of the people I used to know from that school do that, I am 16 now. Does that change anything? Pretty much no. I used to hate them. Now I know they taught me couple of things, at least have shown that life ain't easy. I am not too poor, but not too rich either,guess this puts me in the medium class. My parents told me not to want too much from everything and I am proud that I behave the way I should. They know a lot, but aren't good themselves. There is a lot I don't like about them. Do I love them? I don't know, neither I don't know if I can love someone. That's why I burnt out. I am not human. Humans love other humans, other things. I can't love. I don't know how. That hurts me. I never wanted much from life,because I was treated by it rather poorly.
Well,after that "childhood",till around 13 I was a crippled,intelligent male. Soon,I was going to be even more mature,as I was known as the serious guy. 13-16 was a really great time for me. New school, new people, another love(failed,as always) It was my chance. I always was talkative,charismatic,a bit funny I guess. I had no problem talking with people IN SCHOOL. During that time (and still) I am a freaking lobster living in its own pond. I lost my energy at least twice. That was a terrible time for me.
Now I am burnt out intelligent male, who does not know what he should do. I don't know who am I,I don't know who I should be. Those are problems everyone needs to overcome, there's one problem though:
I want to die.
Not now. Not tomorrow. I want to die in a fight. I want to defend something or someone. This, will be the only accepted death by me. I love Polish history and every man and woman who gave his own blood for my country. I shall not fail them,I shall not use things I did not fight for and disrespect them. The only thing I disrespect are politicians,who are ticks on unhealthy country of ours.
I don't know if I am Christian. If there's God,he probably is having fun someone else. Our world seems forgotten. People killing others for sake of it, homeless and poor trying to live in the world of hate, disrespect. Nobody cares, pardon, nobody cares for others. They do care for their family though.
I am tired of this.
The way world works the way my country runs.
I want CHANGE. I WILL fight for it if I get a chance. I changed too. I am only a shade of a human. I am not capable of loving. I am nearly not capable of caring. I am ALONE. I have no friends. I have couple of people I can tell everything I want, but they can't act at all, because they're too far. Internet buddies,yeah. Thanks. Probably saved me at least once, huh?
If things continue going like the now do,I will become a shade full of hatred. Probably need a Superman here,huh?
Now let me smile and carry on.
I know my English isn't good as it should be for this to be readable and I know that's not everything I wanted to write. Just ignore this blog or ask questions. Thanks.
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Have you thought that maybe you have chronic depression, or some such thing?
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On June 23 2011 05:14 Gnial wrote:
Have you thought that maybe you have chronic depression, or some such thing?
I don't know.. I am sad inside myself,but happy out.. I don't know. Maybe? That would be pretty bad..
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Hey Kurumi.
How could you be so sure that you are not capable of love. You sound so intelligent, sensitive about things... Isn't it just that you fear to be open to someone, to talk to a friend like you just talked to us, here?
There are surely people like you in your country, of your age, with similar hobbies like yours. History for example...
I was not in such a bad situation at school but it is probably a commont thing that most of school children are just bored ignorants who dislike everybody who's different.
Don't give up your hopes. Don't make robot of yourself. Try to find friends.
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Damn, I'm sorry about your sister. I've got a sis too, and I lost my mum about 2 years back (++)
Then I sorta burnt out too and just fell back into playing SC more and more (and WoW too)
Screwed/still screwing my school work.
You know you have to buck up, but you don't, am I right?
Stay steady man.
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Honestly, sounds like you need a hobby.
You seem like a guy who thinks so much. Yeah, I do too and almost always it gives me a "depressed" feeling. Only way to avoid that is to simply find a hobby. Go to the gym and work out, have a jog. Study hard for school and aim to get high marks. Play some starcraft or some other game or just go on "omegle.com" where you can chat with random people. Go to the swimming pool or play football. Join a sports club. You could also find a part time job or just go to the cinema or the malls with your friends.
The possibilities are endless. Just find your interests and work on from there. If you have less spare time you'll feel way better. Also think positive and get that "want to die" feeling out of your system. My faith helps me a lot in avoiding all that negativity as well (I'm a muslim). All I'm saying is coming from experience btw.
Also just remember, you're 16, your life is ahead of you and trust me. You don't even know one tenth of what you'll experience as you grow up so just keep that in mind.
Sorry about your sister, that really sucks. I don't know how bad it must feel but I know a bit seeing as I lost two unborn brothers due to miscarriage and I only found out years after they died so yeah.
P.S. I get the "patriotic" feeling you get, as I went through a phase where my country might've been lost just 3 months ago. However, in your case Poland is fine and secure now so just remember that no one needs you to sacrifice yourself for them now.
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It is highly likely that I fear people. I don't want to be a trouble. I always feel uncomfortable when asking for a favour or anything. I understand everyone has their own life,own friends,own family,own love. I don't want to walk in someone's life with boots on. I just evade everything.
I don't only feel like a shade. I am a shade,I have such appearance. I am really skinny,frightening for some people..
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On June 23 2011 05:28 Kurumi wrote:
It is highly likely that I fear people. I don't want to be a trouble. I always feel uncomfortable when asking for a favour or anything. I understand everyone has their own life,own friends,own family,own love. I don't want to walk in someone's life with boots on. I just evade everything.
I don't only feel like a shade. I am a shade,I have such appearance. I am really skinny,frightening for some people..
Read my post if you haven't btw
Oh and sounds like you need to work out a little bit bro 
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I agree with ProbeYourSCV - you just need to do something, to stop overthinking things. Just try to do various things, find such that make you feel better - that's the way to go!
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I thought about running or cycling a bit. I really rarely exercise. Maybe parkour? I always thought it was a cool thing; I would need to exercise though first. School isn't a bit problem,I have very good marks (thought tests did not work out as great as I would like them to..) I have a lot of spare time. How should I motive myself to do something? Thanks for every advice You've given.
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On June 23 2011 05:34 Kurumi wrote:
I thought about running or cycling a bit. I really rarely exercise. Maybe parkour? I always thought it was a cool thing; I would need to exercise though first. School isn't a bit problem,I have very good marks (thought tests did not work out as great as I would like them to..) I have a lot of spare time. How should I motive myself to do something? Thanks for every advice You've given.
Easy, instead of thinking about how to get motivated, just go and have a jog. Since you don't have the stamina for it just start with walking. Carry your phone or ipod or whatever with you to help kill the "long time" feeling you'll get.
Set a goal. Star exercising. To get motivated just think how you would look at the end of the goal. Your goals should be long term so don't expect super fast change. Its way easier for you to have walks around since you're in Europe. Where I live the temperature is around 45C and its humid sometimes. It's also a desert country so we don't have country sides or awesome scenes. You, however, do so make use of that
Also don't stick to one hobby. Get about three regular ones so that you spend more time active and so that you don't give up easily. For instance since you're in TL I'm assuming you like SC or at least like computer games/internet. Start walking daily, spend time in the internet chatting (not surfing but rather chatting) or spend that time playing a game (with friends, they don't have to be your IRL friends btw) and spend some time working out in the gym.
Just set a goal that you rarely have too much time free. If it's at like 9-10 PM and you don't have anything to do, just go to sleep. Waking up early usually gives me a great mood that lasts me the entire day.
Edit: ask your parents if you can visit another country. This helps more than you think.
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Running is a great thing. You can admire countryside, feel the wind (sometimes eat a fly), imagine some music in your head and think about whatever you want. You can make your own tour, measure time, try to do better. If you feel better physically, you will feel better inside as well. Running is good for lonely people. Have you seen Forrest Gump? 
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I could never run (too boring imo :p) But I've been cycling a lot lately, and it's been really fun.
You get to go so much faster than running, and because of that you can really get somewhere even if you don't plan on riding for more than 30 minutes or an hour. I moved this year so I don't know my surroundings that well, and when I'm bored I'll just hop on my bike start riding and see where it takes me. Really good exercise too, your legs will get in much better shape and it's really satisfying when you get done or take big hills.
best of luck to you, I lost a close friend a few years ago so I know some of what you went through, even still a sibling would be even more difficult.
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Fuck
Welcome to Life is basically all I have to say because I don't know how to help you I'm having the same problem rofl.
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Well you are love, you cannot not love. All the feelings you are having is because that natural flow of love that you are is blocked by 'issues' of all kinds. If you hate someone, you are basically just angry at them because you love them, but have to shut down that love for various reasons. So don't worry about love.. it's always there and cannot go away. But you clearly have some issues, we are all misfits trying to fit into a model of society that isn't quite sane in many ways. If you really want change, you should read 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. It's a good introduction to how life really really works..
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United Kingdom1706 Posts
It's easy to get stuck in a terrible rut, when you're young. When i think too much I end up so down as well. Idle time makes idle crime, and that's true within your own head. Getting trapped in a circle of unsolvable questions and problems.
Find things to do!!!! Good, useful things, which will give you a good life. Even if you don't know what the fuck those things are, just pick something and do it, and give it all you can.
Also, I run, because much as it's boring, after 5 miles a day I feel good about myself all the way until the next day's run.
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listen to some early eminem. First or second cd + some of his old collabs. They'll make u feel better. for example : WHAT DO I THINK OF SUCCESS IT SUCKS TOO MUCH STRESS.
or
I DONT GOT THAT BAD OF A MOUTH DO I FUCK SHIT ASS CUNT SHIT DOOBIE A DOO WA
or
his song against everlast. I think u'll like that.
anyways, early eminem does a good job of vocalizing the emo within many younger peoples without making u feel sorry for urself. Helps you rage instead.
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i think you should accept that the world is a shitty place, people are shitty and you can't change it. therefore you should just find some way to live from day to day, because that's what other well-adjusted people do
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No offense, but what you seem to be going through is just average teenage angst. Everyone goes through it to some extent and most people get over it also. There is no cure for it, you just have to deal with it. If you feel like that 5 years later, you might actually be depressed.
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@DropBear
Don't You dare use that in some Mafia game to prove I am scum or not lol
@Sotamursu
It is highly likely it is easy as that,but I think it might be it+ something else.
Thanks again!
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Man, I'm sorry I cannot offer particularly good advice 
It will get better, though. Life is a sine wave.
One caveat: I don't think this is burn-out. You said English isn't your first language (or implied it at least), and burn-out is sort of like overworking oneself to the point of exhaustion. You sound more like you're depressed.
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^ What Z3kk said it right, it seems like you've hit a depression, or like his sine curve expression goes, you're at -1 right now ;P. Just calm down try not to take everything too seriously. You might wanna find some new friends if you dislike the smoking/alcohol/cussing/bullying thing... because seriously if you don't like that stuff and it seems to me you don't particularly like them, then you might be better off without them.
I know I can't speak for major loss in my life, (grandfather died from cancer but I didn't know him that well just from visits). I'm the same age as you, and I've been in a few depressions before, and like you I've had many "loves" or crushes as many would call them (although I would say I've fallen in love twice). Don't give up hope...! Although I can't say for sure your life will turn around, try to hang in there, and try to find motivation or something that can help you pull through. I hope life will become better for you ;D
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High school sucks, you'll live.
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EPT
