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I don't really know where to begin. I've had a a year of crazy and this tops it off. The past 48 have been heavy. I was sharing my story with a dear friend today, and at one point i was referring to the 48-hour-ago mark as a 'week ago'. I guess there's no way to start but at the start.
I'm sporting some dress shoes. Some casual but not too-seen over-worn faded-with-retarded-holes-jeans that are seen everywhere. I'm wearing a dress shirt that i probably should stop wearing - i bought it a year ago, it's my favourite and consequently over-worn and looks as such, but i'm wearing it anyways. It doesn't matter. I'm comfortable. After the year that i've had, i'm pretty much always in this space that i describe as 'comfortable'.
It's a Saturday, so the club i'm at is relatively busy. It's an easy-going atmosphere, not one of the stuck-up clubs that can be so often found in Vancouver. I do my rounds. I'm scoping out the crowd, seeing who's worth scoping out: someone hot, someone awkward, someone who looks interesting, someone who has a story, any of the above. Not too long ago i would go out with the hope of getting some attention and maybe getting laid; things have since changed. I've become fascinated with 'new', particularly people, who make life interesting. So now i just look for the person who is going to deliver on that addiction: whoever i talk to will raise my eyebrows; they will pique me; and if they don't, i'll move on to the next potential.
This night didn't have much by the way of interesting. A whole bunch of fags trying to look hot on the dance floor. Definitely far from interesting. The club has a karaoke room by the 4th bar (the bar has 4 floors), and i decide to check it out. The singers are almost always entertaining - one extreme or the other - and maybe i can find interesting located there this night. Sure enough i find what i'm looking for: a superb singer doing Oasis' "Boys and Girls" followed by a torturing "I'm alright" by Whitney Houston. The people might not be interesting, but the performances certainly are.
I'm content spectating, and so go to the bar to grab myself another beer.
"What can i getchya?" says the handsome boy on the other side of the bar. He's shirtless, as is not unusual in a gay club, though not the stereotypical waxed-body gym-buff. He's sporting his natural unrefined self. He's obviously comfortable and knows he's hot, but not in an overtly in-your-face ego sorta way. The impression is simply that he thinks one might enjoy the view, and he's cool with it. I order my standard pint of Kokanee.
The Oasis fan is at it again: this time a sappy "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera. Crazy surprisingly, delivers. Amazing voice. I continue to watch the roller coaster of karaoke for an hour or two - the crowd is entertaining. It eventually comes to a close and i say goodbye to some of my undiscovered-bound-for-stardom friends, and grab another pint from Gorgeous behind the bar.
"So, is this the regular kind of busy, or something other?" i ask him. I'm always curious. I like to ask questions that elucidate the environment that i would consider foreign that other's would consider norm. "Yeah, about right for this floor. A Saturday standard."
Ok, so i realize you're straight. But really, this guy is gorgeous. Hold your puke while i explain it. He has this crazy cute face, super endearing without coming off as boyish. He's hairy, from the neck down his shirtless chest to his waist, hair outlining the 'man-lines' that men get that draw a V from the sides of your stomach to your crotch. He's broad across the shoulders and thinner around the waste , avoiding a 'barrel' shape and more of the coveted "V". He has a piercing on his upper lip. He wears ridiculous hats that he cycles through every 5 minutes - a sailor hat, a hippie wig, a pirate hat accompanied by a ridiculous rubber parrot. He's super goofy and really comfortable with being laughed at.
I make conversation. The karaoke might be over, but i've found another type of interesting. An hour goes by where i continue to talk to bartender-beauty as he tries to serve his other customers. Maybe a waning of inebriation or just a too-late hitting home of how annoying i must be, either way, i decide it's probably time for me to leave the server to his wonts, and go to say good-bye.
"Hey, i just realized that i've been talking to you for an hour, and since you work here, you can't politely or even impolitely escape my company. I apologize. Have a great night."
I decide that maybe i should milk it for all it's worth.
"so how about before i go, you lean over this bar here and give me a kiss". I make this retarded puppy-dog face that i'm sure is cute in a repulsive/homely but trying-so-hard to be endearing sort of way.
"Sorry bud, no fucking way".
Ouch. It stings a bit. But i don't fear rejection the way i once did. In a weird fashion that i won't go to the lengths to explain right now, i appreciate such an experience for how real it is (see Life and Death for a chance at better context). I smile and nod at him - giving due respects to his decision, and i turn and head down the stairs toward the next level.
"hey", gorgeous calls after me.
Still feeling pretty embarrassed i turn and just make eye contact with a slightly sheepish smile.
"do you smoke weed?" he says.
"Usually whenever i have the chance" i give him.
"Well... i'm off in a half hour, how about a walk and a doobie?".
We make our way to his place. He lives right on the beach, 9th floor of an apartment building. The view is rad, seeing over the bay that divides downtown from the rest of Vancouver, an expanse of lights dot the horizon; an expanse of lights reflect in the water. We grab some beers from his fridge, he rolls a doobie, and we decide that the beach is a greater atmosphere than his bachelor suite - occupied by his two trying-to-sleep girlfriends visiting from Kelowna.
His company is as easy and comfortable as his demeanor was at the bar. Super chill, super comfortable, completely lacking of ego. We smoke the weed and i get incredibly stoned, having also have been drinking most of the night. We don't talk about anything particularly pertinent to our lives, but still engaging, still interesting. We make our way back to his place and try to so-stealthily continue our conversation. The shirts come off. Nothing crazy or too-disgusting for you heterosexuals, just a close proximity between us. I can't remember too much the events of this part, as i was at this point pretty wrecked, but i distinctly remember that it just continued to feel more and more comfortable, more and more easy, in an awesomely mutual way. then again, i could have just been drunk.
At one point we get into each other and are equally aware of (and therefore concerned for) his company, and he shows some bravery: "what do you think of showers?".
I nod. We make our way to the washroom.
We strip down. He is unequivocally the most gorgeous man i've ever seen in the flesh. His body is what i would consider ideal: his hair, his goods, his chest, legs, ass, everything. I've never been so engaged.
We are in the shower for over an hour and the details aren't important. It was good and awesome, and a one-time experience that i completely appreciate for what it is - he's a hot bartender, and for whatever reason happens to find Mora an interest on this particular night. I escape at 7:30 in the morning to retreat to my own bed in contentment. Wow, i really wasn't expecting that.
The next day i wake to a beeping of my phone. Message from Michael: "Hey. I wasn't expecting last night. You're a great guy. What are you doing today?". We meet up and and hang out before he has to go to work. This time without the booze. Still comfortable. Hell, even more comfortable.
Over the next few weeks we see each other as much as we can. My work was getting crazy, being there about 70 hours a week. But on the nights that i didn't crash on the couch at my work for 4 hours before getting to-it again, i'd crawl over to his place at 1 or 2am, we'd stay awake till 3, and then i'd be off and out again at 8am. It didn't matter. It was all worth it.
I got a text message from him last week though that changed things. It came out of the blue.
"Hey... You are a great guy... I want to talk to you about something".
I don't know how it is in the heterosexual world, but in my world i've seen that line a lot. A LOT. It's usually said by me, right before i tell whomever is on the other end that i'm just not interested.
To provide some context, i've had a bit of an active year. I've probably given that line 20 or so times; and those are the ones that were actually worthwhile enough to care to be honest with. The rest didn't even get that courtesy. I'm not a particularly emotional person, and i don't believe in monogamy in any capacity. I've never experienced the emotion of jealousy, and the idea of that emotion is completely foreign to me. Consequently, i like to have my fun and move on before the standard person (or from my context, headcase) starts to venture into that space - they typically try to drag me in.
I saw this one guy last March/April named Justin. He wasn't what i am typically attracted to: He is petite, blond, body-hairless, completely into fashion, and as flamboyant as you can get without having a lisp. For whatever reason (i'm guessing because he was so opposite to what i am usually attracted to) he piqued me. We dated for about 2 months. He was a head-case. Not just because he was jealous, but more because he wanted something along the lines of a life-time commitment after knowing him for a single weekend. Out of character with myself, i put up with it (at the confusion of my friends) for about 2 months. I then snapped back to my usual Mora-self, and went my own way.
So the impact of this Michael situation is significant. I've never been in a situation before that a) i wasn't the one delivering the line of "you're a great guy", and b) that i would care if someone else was delivering it to me first.
But this time was a bit different. He's funny. He's smart. He makes me laugh. And i can't imagine being more physically attracted to someone. He fits everything that i'd want someone to fit. I don't believe in "the one", but he might be "a one".
A part of me was hoping that this thing he wanted to talk to me about was something along the lines of wanting to be exclusive; of wanting to go-steady. (which is mind-boggling! i've never wanted such a thing before in any capacity!)... But this possibility quickly dissipated.
"Hey, i just got in from Soccer, what's up?" i respond.
"Oh, just relaxing before work..." i get from him. And... what? You want to talk to me and you're relaxing before work? ok...?
"Sweet. You said you wanted to talk? Should i call?", i respond, somewhat annoyed that he dodged the question the first time. But really, now i feel like i'm the headcase cause i'm getting worked up that he didn't answer a question that wasn't technically asked.
"Ummm..... I'll talk to you in a few days... i guess..."
Honestly. Who goes to the effort of adding that many periods to a text message? The situation at this point was outlined pretty clearly: This guy met me and thought i might be something he wanted. He got to know me better and i didn't quite fit the bill. He wants to let me go but cares enough about me that he does not want to hurt me; he clearly wants to talk about something he doesn't want to talk about.
3 days go by without a text or phone call. Really, that isn't such a big deal, but the context is simply that we'd been talking to each other almost every day for over a month. I was bummed. I had it totally figured out and i was totally bummed.
"Hey, what time do you get off tonight? i don't work" i receive on my phone after those 3 days. I'm of course still working overtime, work is still crazy up the wall. I make my way to his place after putting in my hours.
I'm a little bit distant but obviously excited to see him - i wasn't sure if i was ever going to see him again. He gives me a hug and we embrace, and he gives an extra tug at the end. I breathe. so this is what it feels like to be let go when you don't want to be.
"So, i texted you saying we need to talk... And well, i've been feeling super shitty for like 2 weeks now..." I stare out between the narrow passage of two golden cages; Puff, his bearded dragon; Gibbons, his Cockatiel.
"And well, i didn't expect to feel this way about you" he continues. "you sort of caught me off guard... but well..."
Yep. Here it comes.
"fuck. this is tough...
"fuck... Taylor... I'm HIV positive".
...
It was a different bomb. A very different bomb.
A much bigger bomb.
We've had sex. I've been seeing him for a month. Over a month.
I got tested today. I went to the Center of Disease Control under the advisement of my doctor - they're quicker there: they're more able to deal with this, both technologically and psychologically. I sit in the waiting room reading "Things to know before getting tested for HIV".
are you prepared for a negative result?
are you prepared for a positive result?
do you have friends or family who can support you while you are waiting for your results to come through?
I look at the other people in the waiting room. 300lb guy sitting across from me. He's not fat. He has tattoo sleeves running down both arms and down his left leg. The girl he is with is crying. She keeps repeating to him that it wasn't her fault. He stares at the person-who-is-not-there sitting in the chair to my left. An older lady, native, probably around the age of 30 or 40 - she might have kids - is on the phone 3, or 4, (or 5 or whatever the fuck number) to my right. She can't really speak. She's trying to, but her voice-box refuses to work between her sobs.
The others are mostly silent and non-descript, except for the fact that we're all holding the same pamphlet.
Phase 1, understanding what HIV is...
I don't remember the titles of the other 5 phases. The nurses name was Helen. She took 6 vials of blood. She asked me to drop my pants and she poked and prodded my penis and scrotum to see if any signs show-up that sometimes do in people who first get infected. She asks me if i have a list of people i've been with since being with Michael, do i have their phone numbers, am i ready to call them.
What am i doing here?
I didn't have anal sex. It was only oral stuff. He didn't even cum. Does that mean i'm fine? Can i get out of here?
"The chances of transmission from oral sex are very low. I would say your results look optimistic. But if you had any cuts or sores in your mouth, there could be blood to blood transmission".
I suffer from naturally and horribly bad breath. Whenever i know i'm saying at someone's place, i bring my toothbrush. I brush vigorously because i'm retardedly compulsive when i comes to oral hygiene. It's not uncommon for my gums to bleed. Were they bleeding last Tuesday when i sucked him off? How many times did i actually brush my teeth at his place? Why do i need to ask myself these questions? What is happening?
I get my results on October 5th. Of course, these are only the preliminary results. There are 2 types of HIV blood testing: the first type is when you initially contract the virus, when your body hasn't actually become 'infected' yet, and the HIV DNA has just entered your blood stream. This first preliminary testing looks for that DNA in your blood. This is (according to her) an extensive process that is hard to execute and is extremely expensive. So expensive that they in fact do 'group screening' where my blood will be mixed with 9 others'. If the test comes back negative, our chances of having the virus are low. If the test comes back positive, our blood will be tested individually. All this should be done in 10 days.
Assuming that i pass this first test, i need to come back in 3 months for the final screening. At this point, if i have the virus, my body will have started producing antibodies for this, and this they can detect relatively easily. This is when i find out if i'm Negative. Or Otherwise.
So now i wait. I'm not particularly worried. I've read tons of shit online in the past 2 days regarding HIV/AIDS/transmission, and the chances of transmitting through oral sex is very low. The online research tells me this, the doctors i saw told me this, so did the nurse. But i guess the impact of this experience just changed "AIDS is bad" to "AIDS is real". And maybe the scary part is i don't know if i'd do anything differently. Who actually wears a condom when receiving a blowjob? Who actually asks to see test results before jumping into bed? I certainly don't need to be as promiscuous, but that doesn't really change whether or not they have a disease. What if they don't know? What if the condom breaks?
I'm a pretty solid guy, at least in the sense that i feel i can handle anything that life throws at me. I don't particularly feel different this time (though it's all still sinking in), but man, this is fucking heavy.
I think that's the best word i've been able to use throwout this whole experience. It's just Heavy.
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Well shit, Should've asked before going.. mouth deep? =/
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Good luck, i hope they come out negative.
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Damn man....I'm sure you'll come out fine...I remember the first time I got tested...God I was worried, but then again I wasn't for some reason...But considering that the one before my last girlfriend had lied to me, I probably should have gotten tested mad earlier....
Came up clean...wait...no...I never looked at my HIV results....bah fuck it, no sense looking now...
Anyway man, Don't worry too much Mora, I'm sure your fine. I'm really not sure how good a condoms durability is for anal sex though. Cutting back on the promiscuity would probably be the best step to start with first...You know, giving that line to 20 guys within the last year....Should probably cut that down good sir.
Also,
Who actually asks to see test results before jumping into bed?
My ex you ass hole. ;-; Thanks for reminding me of her....
But then again I was actually dating her.
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Okay...
This was a really weird read, with all the gay details you DID give but regarding the bigger picture I'm speechless. I've never known or met someone with AIDS so I can't think of anything intelligent to say.
Just hang in there, hopefully you'll come out negative.
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from what I've seen every once in a while you will be privy to these types of scares, good news is you have a VERY low chance of contracting HIV, bad news is your new found infatuation has a severe character flaw, and is HIV positive, that may attract you but not likely.
just beware when the other seemingly less harmful but twice as contagious stds roll around.
and i don't say this out of stupidity, deep seeded hate for gays, or other retarded crap, but because i was there when my brother ( also gay) went through his HIV scare, he was a wreck, but he didn't show it, and i suspect neither will you. Just know that i think maybe it would help to talk to someone you know personally.
try not to worry.
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lots of love mora, you'll make it through 
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Spenguin
Australia3316 Posts
Hey man good luck with the results I hope they come back negative.
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Hong Kong20321 Posts
oh man.
i don't even know you at all and you're just some dude on the internet that happens to post on the same forum as i do but i really uhm. empathize with you? anyway...
you will be fine mora!
I BELIEVE.
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Do you know why he took so long to tell you.. like did he think oral sex wouldn't transmit it anyhow or something?
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Oh crap, that's so bad manner. To have you suck his disk and THEN telling you he's got the AIDS. I don't know how it is in the homo world but in my world if a girl says to me she's got AIDS after sex I'd probably be so enraged that I'll be killing her for months.
I really hope all your tests are -
gl!
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ouch that sucks. good luck. i hope your results come up negative.
Yep. Here it comes.
"fuck. this is tough...
"fuck... Taylor... I'm HIV positive".
i'm not gay but i hope that everything works out between you and him (it seems like you really enjoy his company). if you don't want to see him again thats understandable of course.
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Canada9720 Posts
shit dude, that is heavy.
hope everything works out well and you don't have it
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interesting story & hope you'll be fine Mora!
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sad TT hope the test comes back negative man
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mrmin123
Korea (South)2971 Posts
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On September 25 2009 19:18 Liquid`Nazgul wrote:
Do you know why he took so long to tell you.. like did he think oral sex wouldn't transmit it anyhow or something?
yeah.
Because oral sex is super low risk he didn't think it was a big deal if we did it. He told me that that's why he didn't engage in more activity than we had engaged in.
He robbed me of that choice though. Pretty brutal.
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thanks a ton for all the good wishes and care. this community rocks.
in fact, i'm really quite fortunate to have all the people in my life that i do. Family, friends, co-workers, all have been super supportive.
As for:
i'm not gay but i hope that everything works out between you and him (it seems like you really enjoy his company). if you don't want to see him again thats understandable of course.
I wish everything could work out. I really like this guy. I'm bothered that he didn't tell me to begin with (because of the risk that i was put at) but i don't hate him and i'm not really angry. (though i'm sure if my results come back positive that that may chance. just a hunch. haha). There's just no solution to this problem. There's nothing we can do to make this ok.
Sex should be good and fun and joyous and just awesome and one of the best experiences. The thought of trying to maintain a relationship with someone where every time i'm expressing love (or lust) that this may be that time that i get a disease that will kill me is just too much.
He contracted the virus from an encounter where he was practicing safe sex and the condom broke. His own story is example enough for me that we can't go to enough measures to protect me from this.
When he first told me, i was really optimistic and didn't care. we can make this work; surely people with HIV aren't sentenced to a life of misery. But now i've done my research. I can't live like that. Even if i manage to stay protected, i'll still live in fear; and in the end he is going to die. This story is not going to have a happy ending.
I wish i had freaked out when he told me. Instead i reacted totally calm, optimistic even. I saw him the day after, and came to his work and kept him company. He seemed super surprised that i'd even want to talk to him. Not trying to come from a place of ego, but it must be nice for him to finally meet someone who doesn't go running and screaming in the other direction.
And now i have to play the haha, JUST KIDDING card. fuck.
I just can't do it. I'm 24. I don't even believe in monogamy. I'm not ready for this.
fuck this is hard.
fuck me.
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Physician
United States4146 Posts
- when ur waiting for results ur essentially powerless and can't do anything about it, here is a little reassurance. I know were ur coming from too, I been through this shit twice (I had to worry about hep c too, fortunately I got lucky both times)
(health care's dark side: it's not IF a needle stick will happen, it's a matter of when, cause invariably everyone in it gets stuck by accident)
anyway here it goes ~
2003
http://wwwext.amgen.com/pdfs/abgenix/2003-05-12.pdf
2009
http://journals.lww.com/co-hivandaids/Abstract/2009/03000/CCR5_monoclonal_antibodies_for_HIV_1_therapy.6.aspx
- human monoclonal antibody to the CCR5 receptor will defeat this virus; it will be out before 2012-16 (my best guess, this stuff is going to go on fast track), gg AIDS http://www.thedoctorschannel.com/video/1161.html
- so even if by freak bad luck you get bad news, retro viral therapy will keep you well for 15 years plus, and the "cure" for this dreaded disease is already in the pipeline (there is no doubt in my own humble opinion) you will be fine + Show Spoiler +so will ur douch bag friend
(btw 1% of white folk already have an natural absence of the CCR5 receptor; so there is a tiny chance one can be already immune or partially immune to hiv..)
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Norway28637 Posts
fux shitz
i hope u r okay taylor :'(
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Extremely high chances of it coming out negative, I hope that goes well for you
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United States4796 Posts
Man, good luck.
And that was...quite the story.
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GL Mora! This story was a really good read (although I felt for you--not in any way where I could say I can relate, because I don't think I've ever looked down the gun of a barrel in life, so to speak), as usual. It would be cool if you kept us updated on things.
I was originally planning on actually pm'ing you to ask if I could repost this blog as my own, except with the guy being a girl (Michelle), just to see (for fun) how different the responses would be, but I didn't see it taking this turn. I thought it was gonna be a blog about how happy you were with this guy, but it was still really interesting, nonetheless. What happened between the days when he told you and now, between him and you?
I really hope things work out for you, including finding "a one" haha.
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I can relate to that dismal cold fear of waiting for the results...hope everything turns out ok for ya dude
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Thanks for sharing this with us, it was a very interesting and intelligent read.
Good luck Mora!
Oh, one more thing. I feel bad for you, but I feel just as bad for this bartender. It must be terrible to feel guilty every time you want to have sex with somebody. That's just depressing.
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whoa dude! This is the guy that should be blogging about pulling some bitches. Mora, I did 3 months of out-patient rehab which included a HIV testing along with 3-months of aftercare which also included another HIV testing. I did three hours worth of STD facts. For what I recall the only way you can become HIV positive is with open sores/wounds.
I want to ask though. I'm a straight guy and all but how come you guys never admit to coming on at 101mph? You gay guys are so chillax.
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P.S. I loved how you analyzed the way he msged you back:
"Ummm..... I'll talk to you in a few days... i guess..."
Did he ever include those same dots in previous msges? Well just asking b/c I have a bad habit of typing "....." before i start off my sentence. I don't even know why i ask this but yea.
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Well that sucks, it really does. You found someone you liked and that has to basically ruin it for you, unless of course what Physician says is true, I didn't bother reading it because me and my girlfriend have only had sex with like 3 people each and she never really gave anyone head.
I hope everything goes well for you, sorry about your friend douching you over, but did he know when you guys started or just found out? The way you wrote it it sounded like he had just found out with his testing, you also said it takes about 3 months for the testing? Maybe he found out while he was with you and had just gotten the test results back.
So what are you going to do until you know 100% whether you do or don't have it? Abstinence?
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Think positive!
(Sorry.)
Good luck man, this must be a really hard time for you. If things don't turn out your way, remember treatments are improving all the time. Good luck with Michael too, apart from the HIV thing he sounds like a decent dude.
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Heavy stuff indeed, best of luck man. Even if the test results come back negative though, it sounds like you've got some very tough decisions to make. Hope things work out for the best.
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Baltimore, USA22253 Posts
Oh wow... I did NOT expect that plot twist. 
GL Mora.
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Wow Mora, very well written blog.
I hope everything goes well for you, I didn't know you live in Vancouver.
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HonestTea
5007 Posts
Quite a twist,
best of luck, I can only imagine what you're going through. Props for being level and positive.
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United States42539 Posts
Jeez man. Let us know when it's negative, as I'm sure it will be. If someone has HIV they gotta tell people the moment they endanger others. They're a public health risk and it's either man up to that and take precautions or end up wearing bells like lepers used to. Bizarrely enough I was watching a Stephen Fry (British genius/tv presenter/comedian) documentary on HIV and apparently there's a gay subculture which views HIV as something to be proud of and actively tries to get it. :S
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On September 30 2009 10:11 Kwark wrote:
Jeez man. Let us know when it's negative, as I'm sure it will be. If someone has HIV they gotta tell people the moment they endanger others. They're a public health risk and it's either man up to that and take precautions or end up wearing bells like lepers used to. Bizarrely enough I was watching a Stephen Fry (British genius/tv presenter/comedian) documentary on HIV and apparently there's a gay subculture which views HIV as something to be proud of and actively tries to get it. :S
yep. They're known as 'bug catchers'. I don't know much about that culture (or anything to do with HIV/AIDs), but if i recall correctly the psychology behind it was that people find it too stressful just not knowing; so they search the disease out so that they can just stop worrying about it.
There are also 'gift givers', which are people who have sex with others with the specific intention of trying to spread the infection. I don't know anything about the psychology of this group. They're just fucked.
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On September 30 2009 13:00 Mora wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2009 10:11 Kwark wrote:
Jeez man. Let us know when it's negative, as I'm sure it will be. If someone has HIV they gotta tell people the moment they endanger others. They're a public health risk and it's either man up to that and take precautions or end up wearing bells like lepers used to. Bizarrely enough I was watching a Stephen Fry (British genius/tv presenter/comedian) documentary on HIV and apparently there's a gay subculture which views HIV as something to be proud of and actively tries to get it. :S yep. They're known as 'bug catchers'. I don't know much about that culture (or anything to do with HIV/AIDs), but if i recall correctly the psychology behind it was that people find it too stressful just not knowing; so they search the disease out so that they can just stop worrying about it. There are also 'gift givers', which are people who have sex with others with the specific intention of trying to spread the infection. I don't know anything about the psychology of this group. They're just fucked.
I thought "gift givers" were being prosecuted nowadays (assuming it one of the 'bug catchers')
What the fuck is up with all these stupid names anyway ;p
bears
chubby chasers
WTF
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iNcontroL
USA29055 Posts
best of luck dude
Kinda hope this is an eye opener of sorts. Sex with randoms IS dangerous dude... be careful.
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On September 26 2009 12:22 Masamune wrote:
I was originally planning on actually pm'ing you to ask if I could repost this blog as my own, except with the guy being a girl (Michelle), just to see (for fun) how different the responses would be, but I didn't see it taking this turn...
it's super funny that you mention this. when i was originally writing the story i had the intention of writing his character as a female. I wanted the story to be less alien for my target audience (tl.net) and hit a little bit closer to home. But when it came time to describe him/my interactions with him, it really lost all accuracy. Asking a female bartender for a kiss while she's working is a very different situation than asking a guy. Trying to describe a female as hot/comfortable/not arrogant, while being topless (or a bra, or whatever), tends to make her seem less innocent than a male counter-part.
It also doesn't help that i just don't know (in a personal way) what makes a heterosexual man hungry, so it seemed too artificial to try and depict the 'perfect female'. I didn't have that problem describing Michael that way because it doesn't matter if anyone finds his physical qualities attractive, i did. In the case of trying to turn him into "Michelle", i'd be writing an artificial attraction with the specific intentions of trying to appeal to an audience that i don't really understand.
In the end i decided to just write it as it happened - it made the process easier, as well as helped me process the experience in a more positive way: it was good to get it out. My original intention behind this blog was actually just to practice my writing; it wasn't until it started pouring out that i realized it was a [minor] form of therapy.
On that note, i would be totally receptive to any criticisms on my writing. I realize that on a topic such as this people are going to be less inclined to criticize me, but truly, i'm not dead yet, so help me improve on something i love while i'm still around! (hoho, was that bad taste?).
I thought it was gonna be a blog about how happy you were with this guy, but it was still really interesting, nonetheless. What happened between the days when he told you and now, between him and you?
Well, we talked a few times, and i was actually planning on going over to his house tonight to discuss things (this was my plan as of last week - the day i got tested, specifically). I was going to tell him that i'm just not willing to get involved with a situation like this. that, as mentioned before, i just can't handle this kind of stress/fear on a regular basis.
But then, last saturday, i was having my most downer of days. I wanted to escape, so i started to drink. I didn't want to hang out or talk to any of my friends because i just felt like i was a black hole of depression. I'm usually not concerned with such things when i have a regular trial or tribulation - i'm quite good at being able to lean on my support crew when i need to - but in this situation i just didn't want to put that on anyone. I also wasn't looking for pity.
I also didn't want to be alone though.
I usually have no problems talking to strangers and making new friends, but i wasn't in a particular cheery mood, so that was out of the question as well.
but after half a litre of vodka and 4 points of beer, i was feeling in a much better mood, and thought it would be a great thing to go visit him while he was working.
I got there and i saw him and everything ceased to matter in my inebriation. It was good to see him, all charming and hot and himself. I spent a few hours with him while he worked, and then i went back with him to his place and spent the night there. (no sex).
I tried to bring up the fact that i was a little bit disturbed by the experience, but i can't remember the conversation that well (as i had had about another 6 pints at his bar). I recall him being less receptive than i expected him to be. He seemed to be offended; that i was treating him as a disease, or something like that. I do recall being super tired though, and crashing before we could get too heavy into conversation.
We haven't talked to each other since.
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On September 30 2009 13:11 {88}iNcontroL wrote:best of luck dude Kinda hope this is an eye opener of sorts. Sex with randoms IS dangerous dude... be careful.
Geoff! it was just oral sex!
how many girls have given you a blow job? Did you ask each one for her blood test results before letting her god down?
Did you wear a condom when she blew you?
I mean, don't get me wrong, i am going to be more careful, but it wasn't like i was being reckless. I wouldn't have full on intercourse without a condom.
That's been a really hard part for me. In retrospect, i don't know if there is anything i'd do differently. The only thing i think will change is that i'm now going to ask every person if they're clean/if they've been tested recently before i fool around with them. At the very least they will have an integrity decision to make. But people lie, especially when they want to get laid, so this form of protection is not really going to account to much significance i think.
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Best of luck man seriously, I feel for you.
Very good read also. You're one of the best, if not the best, posters on TL.
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iNcontroL
USA29055 Posts
On September 30 2009 13:27 Mora wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2009 13:11 {88}iNcontroL wrote:best of luck dude Kinda hope this is an eye opener of sorts. Sex with randoms IS dangerous dude... be careful. Geoff! it was just oral sex! how many girls have given you a blow job? Did you ask each one for her blood test results before letting her god down? Did you wear a condom when she blew you? I mean, don't get me wrong, i am going to be more careful, but it wasn't like i was being reckless. I wouldn't have full on intercourse without a condom. That's been a really hard part for me. In retrospect, i don't know if there is anything i'd do differently. The only thing i think will change is that i'm now going to ask every person if they're clean/if they've been tested recently before i fool around with them. At the very least they will have an integrity decision to make. But people lie, especially when they want to get laid, so this form of protection is not really going to account to much significance i think.
You said in your post you have "given the courtesy" to maybe 20 people in the last year but also mentioned that you probably didn't even do that much for numerous others... all in all your post suggested you had "been with" MANY people in this year (30+) and I am going to make the assumption you had oral sex with most and possibly anal sex with a few. That is a LOT of partners in one year (imo).
Your story also explicitly lays out that you messed around with a dude you met at a bar for around a month without ever having the "have you been checked/tested" talk... let alone FIRST thing. This is all a dangerous lifestyle mora. I'm afraid to tell you but this is especially compounded in the homosexual scene where HIV is more common per capita than most other groups.
I am really hoping this is _only_ a scare and nothing more. You are a great guy but this level of promiscuity is going to only end in disaster.. trust me on that. I am glad to hear henceforth you will ask if they've been recently tested but people in likeminded situations will (more often than not I'd contend) lie. Hookups need not be interrupted because one of the two decides they want to ask a relevant question that could end up destroying the hookup.
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oops! i thought you were saying to be more safe in an instance such as the one i just had, not overall.
god, i'm really slow today.
but yeah, oral sex with over half, anal sex with just one. (i've actually only ever had anal sex with 3 people in my life).
regardless, your advice is sound: ask the 'have you been tested' question right off the bat. HIV (along with all other STIs) are found with higher frequency in the gay community than the heterosexual one, so i need to get over my i'm-young-and-invincible attitude.
thanks for caring. and thanks for giving me shit when i need to hear it.
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Holy shit man.
Here's to hopping its negative, I hope everyone learns from this episode.
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I don't really want to get into all your HIV and sex stuff, but I just wanted to say I love reading what you write. It's very enjoyable and easy to read. Also, best of luck with all of that and I hope everything works out for you.
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*hug*hug*hug* Mora. Geoff has always spoken so highly of you, and we're really thinking of/pulling for/praying for you. This community is full of people that would love to do anything to help if you can ever think of a way we can. <3
The whole asking before thing is such a mind blower. It's crazy to think of all the things you can catch from someone even from the mildest of hookups... even just kissing! Yet how many times do any of us lean in close for that fist kiss and ask right away... "You don't have herpes, do you?" Being someone who wholeheartedly believes in monogamy, this story just reinforces my decision to be very, very slow and choosy with my intimacy. For someone like you who doesn't, though, I'd be interested to hear how you proceed from now on, and what ways you keep yourself safe. A lot of my friends run into this same issue, and I struggle with what to tell them other than "You just have to ask first."
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Good luck man Im sure it will be alright.
Also I have to say that this is so well written, good work!
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moraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
-hug-
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iNcontroL
USA29055 Posts
glad to hear it bro
be safe(r) !!!
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Congratulations. All the best for your future.
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Phew, good to hear that Mora. Be safe in the future, you can never be too careful.
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Valhalla18444 Posts
On October 07 2009 01:26 Mora wrote:
clean.
booya
boo fukken ya
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On October 07 2009 01:26 Mora wrote:
clean.
Good for you man
But didn't you say that you only had been seeing him for 1 month? It takes like 3 months before the presence of HIV in blood can actually be measured as far as I know. What did the doctors tell you about that? (I'm not asking to try and make you nervous, I'm just curious)
And didn't they offer antiretrovirals immediately?
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On October 07 2009 01:26 Mora wrote:
clean.
niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice
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On September 26 2009 06:07 Physician wrote:- human monoclonal antibody to the CCR5 receptor will defeat this virus; it will be out before 2012-16 (my best guess, this stuff is going to go on fast track), gg AIDS http://www.thedoctorschannel.com/video/1161.html
The problem is that a HIV quasispecies will emerge, one that binds to the CXCR5 receptor instead (seen in all later chronic stages of HIV infection as a consequence of depletion of CCR5+ cells).
Plus the virus lies latent in CD4+ cells, which has a half-life of approximately 44 months, meaning you must get antiretroviral therapy until you die.
So it is a little more problematic than what you suggested unfortunately.
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we dont know eachother, but I thought of your story often in the past week or so. Im really glad your ok.
+ Show Spoiler +be careful you fucking idiot. .
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On October 07 2009 06:13 Nazarene wrote:Good for you man But didn't you say that you only had been seeing him for 1 month? It takes like 3 months before the presence of HIV in blood can actually be measured as far as I know. What did the doctors tell you about that? (I'm not asking to try and make you nervous, I'm just curious) And didn't they offer antiretrovirals immediately?
The test you are referring to tests for HIV anti-bodies, the test i took looks for the actual HIV DNA (or rather, RNA, from what i understand) in your blood. this latter test is said to be 90% effective.
Because of my level of activity with Michael (only oral sex) they said that the risk is 'basically none', and don't feel it's necessary to come in for the anti-body test.
I get tested every 3 months anyways, so i will be going again around when i should be for the 2nd test.
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On October 01 2009 07:16 uNcontroLable wrote:
*hug*hug*hug* Mora. Geoff has always spoken so highly of you, and we're really thinking of/pulling for/praying for you. This community is full of people that would love to do anything to help if you can ever think of a way we can. <3
The whole asking before thing is such a mind blower. It's crazy to think of all the things you can catch from someone even from the mildest of hookups... even just kissing! Yet how many times do any of us lean in close for that fist kiss and ask right away... "You don't have herpes, do you?" Being someone who wholeheartedly believes in monogamy, this story just reinforces my decision to be very, very slow and choosy with my intimacy. For someone like you who doesn't, though, I'd be interested to hear how you proceed from now on, and what ways you keep yourself safe. A lot of my friends run into this same issue, and I struggle with what to tell them other than "You just have to ask first."
Thanks to you both.
I can't wait to meet you guys, i'd imagine i will do so within the next year.
Once SC2 comes out i will have to go south and visit inc for a LAN. I'd love to meet you in person when i'm down! 
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I remember when a doctor once thought that I had gonnherea in my throat, and how absolutely horrified I was when I got tested for it. It was the closest thing to depression I've ever felt during the week I waited for the results. Once I found out I was clean and that what I had was just a severe throat infection I remember just how relieved I was... The feeling of a clean result was in-describale. I can only imagine how you felt as you waited for the result of an HIV test.
I know you said that you weren't really scared about the results but I kind of find that hard to believe. All I could think about was having to tell my mom what I had if the results were positive for gonn. as well as any girl I ever met and was interested in dating for the rest of my life. I had never been so scared in my life and it definitely has affected my sexual choices with women since then.
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On October 07 2009 06:51 kidd wrote:
I remember when a doctor once thought that I had gonnherea in my throat, and how absolutely horrified I was when I got tested for it. It was the closest thing to depression I've ever felt during the week I waited for the results. Once I found out I was clean and that what I had was just a severe throat infection I remember just how relieved I was... The feeling of a clean result was in-describale. I can only imagine how you felt as you waited for the result of an HIV test.
I know you said that you weren't really scared about the results but I kind of find that hard to believe. All I could think about was having to tell my mom what I had if the results were positive for gonn. as well as any girl I ever met and was interested in dating for the rest of my life. I had never been so scared in my life and it definitely has affected my sexual choices with women since then.
there were two days that i was very worried - i had really tried to take on what my nurse had suggested: prepare for the result to come out 'positive'. These two days were tough - i didn't sleep much, i was pretty anxious, distracted/catatonic, and largely unfriendly (which is extraordinarily unusual for me. and by unfriendly i mean i didn't have any desire to see or talk to any of my friends).
But after i had done some more research, the concern honestly went away. I talked to nurses, doctors, and the AIDS society, as well additional research online. The general consensus is that there is no risk unless there are sores/wounds inside the mouth. This chance of transmission increases when other STDs are present, and when certain drugs are in the system but in my case there were no other STDs, nor were there drugs.
Saliva and stomach acids actually kill the virus, so semen in the mouth and throat are not threatening, nor is swallowing. But to top it off, he didn't ejaculate, so i was only exposed to the limited amounts of semen found in pre-cum.
I do not regret this experience in any capacity, but in retrospect, it does seem a little unnecessary that the initial doctor and nurse that i had talked to got me so worked up (then again, they might not know terribly much about AIDS, hence being adamant about me being tested right away.)
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EPT
