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Original ad:
litter of 6 kittens up for adoption! they are all 3 weeks old and are looking for a good home. contact if interested.
From Mike Hunt to *********@***********.org
Hi,
I am interested in taking all six kittens off of your hands. How much do you want for them?
Mike
From Shannon ******* to Me
Mike,
Are you going to take care of all of these kittens? I want to make sure they all find a good home, and was expecting to sell them one at a time. Are you able to house all six of them?
From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******
Shannon,
To be honest, I own a pet Bengal Tiger and he is on a strict diet of cats. I usually feed him one cat every couple of days, so this litter should hold him over for a while. Don't worry though, I'll take good care of the kittens until I feed them to him.
Mike
From Shannon ******* to Me
That is horrible! You will not get a single kitten from me. I really hope you are not serious.
From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******
Shannon,
I was kidding. I seriously need all six kittens though. Disregard anything I said about a tiger.
From Shannon ******* to Me
NO.
- Hide Spoiler -
Original ad:
I am a 18 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!!
From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org
Hey,
I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested.
Mike
From Stephanie ******* to Me
Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick meup
From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,
It is very close to **********. I'm glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses.
My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don't need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm.
I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You'll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don't die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting. Don't worry, I'll show you how to use the shotgun if you aren't familiar with one.
You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don't care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment.
The lake isn't mine, it is my neighbor's. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn't around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won't see them.
I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start?
Mike
From Stephanie ******* to Me
omg that is HORRIBLE! That is truely awful and sick!! Why cant you just give the poor horses away? sorry but I am not helping you slaughter horses!!!
From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,
I'm sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can't give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don't want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don't want to pass up on this great job opportunity.
Mike
From Stephanie ******* to Me
No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested
From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume.
- Hide Spoiler -
Original ad:
I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee.
From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org
Hello,
I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city?
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located?
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem.
When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however.
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator?
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option.
From marty ******* to Me
absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty,
You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way?
Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get suspicious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge.
How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day.
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty,
I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that?
I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it."
From marty ******* to Me
Hey listen asshole. You are a Fuckin idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a fucking fridge up there is with an elevator. fuck off.
From Mike Partlow to marty *******
Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.
Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.
So see you Tuesday?
Mike
From marty ******* to Me
shut the fuck up.
- Hide Spoiler -
What a bitch!
Original ad:
hi there i am a 22 year old female babysitter looking for a job. i am available pretty much all the time so if you need someone to look after your kid, let me know!
From Timmy Tucker to **********@***********.org
Hey,
I saw your ad about babysitting and am very interested. My grandmother is in the hospital and is probably going to die. She is never awake when I am there, and the doctors say she is only awake for about 5 minutes every couple of days. The problem is, I need her to sign a re-drafted will I wrote so I can get all of her stuff when she dies. Right now she has all of her money going to my bitch sister and her family. I don't have the time to sit there and watch her all day because I have better things to do. I need you to sit at the hospital and watch her in case she wakes up, and then make her sign the will. I will pay you $10 an hour for this job.
Thanks,
Tim
From ***********@gmail.com to Me
no thanks that is sick! show some sympathy you prick!
From Timmy Tucker to **********@gmail.com
Obviously I am not offering you enough money. I will pay you $15 an hour, but in return I need you to unplug her life support after you get her to sign the will.
From ***********@gmail.com to Me
YOU ARE FUCKING SICK I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL
From Timmy Tucker to **********@gmail.com
You clearly do not have the right mindset to enter the fast-paced industry of babysitting. I will find a babysitter that has a little bit more balls than you.
From ***********@gmail.com to Me
FUCK OFF
 
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LOOOLOLOLOOL
I was cracking up reading through this
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United States4796 Posts
Haha.
Oh these are legendary.
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the hell? you're mike partlow???fuck you. just so you know, i sold the goddamn fridge.
marty
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lol thats some freaken funny stuffs. oh u might want to try put them in spoiler.
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From http://dontevenreply.com/index.php Best site ever, check out the archives, they are all hilarious
Original ad:
FREE COUCH! i have a free plaid couch on the curb outside my house. the address is 39 ******* rd come and get it!
From Mike Anderson to **********@*******.org
Hey. I am tired of driving down ******* and seeing your ugly couch. It is ruining the neighborhood. What the hell were you thinking when you bought that? Nobody is going to want that thing! It better not be there when I drive past tomorrow.
From ************@gmail.com to Me
if you dont like it why dont u come and fuckin get it. tough shit if u dont like seeing it. its only been out there 1 day!
From Mike Anderson to ************@gmail.com
One day too many. I don't want your shitty couch. Maybe I would if I was a Scottish guy living in the 70's, but I'm not. That couch looks like what would happen if a parrot and a rhino fucked and had a freak baby, and then that baby grew up and then took a shit on your curb. Why don't you pay someone to haul that piece of shit away?
From ************@gmail.com to Me
fuck you buddy! tough shit. drive a different way
From Mike Anderson to ************@gmail.com
I like going that way because it is scenic. Well, at least it was until you put that pile of shit out there. If it is stil there tomorrow, I am going to come back during the night and cement it to your driveway.
From ************@gmail.com to Me
COME AND TRY IT MOTHERFUCKER ILL BE WAITING
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LOLed in RL. Stories kept getting better and better.
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oh my god these are great hahaha.
5/5 CM ^_^
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Original ad:
DOG WATCHER WANTED! we are leaving town for a week and need someone to take care of our 6-year-old rottweiler. he is very friendly! we are looking for someone trustworthy with experience, so we will need references. will pay $30 per day. email if interested!
From Tyrone Jackson to ************@******.org
yo wat up! i saw your ad looking for someone to take care of your rottweiler. ill do it no problem. i live in the area and can pick him up.
From Tanya ****** to Me
tyrone do you have any references? can you tell us a little about yourself?
From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
yea i got some references. you can talk to my bro devon, or my associate g-ice. ill have them hit u up. a little about myself: i love taking care of dogs and shit
now you said your rottweiler is friendly. how friendly is he? would he be able to fight another dog if they were both put in a ring? just wonderin.
also can you pay me the money up front straight cash? i need it to enter in a contest.
From Tanya ****** to Me
I dont want you watching my dog!!!! find someone else for your dog fighting ring sicko!!!!!!!
From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
whoa whoa slow yo role! who said anything about dog fighting? i was just wondering if your dog could protect itself, in case an angrier dog tries to start some shit while im walkin him. you need to chill the fuck out and stop jumpin to conclusions
From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
look you triflin bitch just gimme the dog. i need it, the fight is tonight! ill pay you 200 cash plus 20 percent of whatever i win
From Tanya ****** to Me
STOP IT
A few hours later...
From G Ice to Tanya ******
ay yo wat up woman, its ya boy tyrone's boy G Ice. tyrone was sayin he needed a reference for ur dog babysittin job so here i am. tyrone be great with dogs. he loves em so much and will care the shit out of them. my boy tyrone is definitely the right man for the job, i aint playin
From Tanya ****** to Me
GO AWAY
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Original ad:
WILMINGTON TO CHICAGO
I'm driving out to Chicago on 9/1 around noon. I'm looking for someone to split the cost of gas/tolls. If interested, send me an email.
From Me to ***********@*********.org
Hi!
I am trying to go to Chicago, and the 1st sounds good to me. I took my ex-girlfriend's EZ-pass out of her car when she wasn't looking, so we can use that to pay for tolls. I have a few things I want to bring, do you have a lot of room?
Mike
From Brian ****** to Me:
Hi Mike,
Will the easy pass still work even though it isn't in your ex's car? I do have some room, what are you trying to bring?
From Me to Brian ******:
Brian,
I just want to bring a few duffel bags of clothes. Also, yes, the EZ pass will still work.
Mike
From Brian ****** to Me:
That shouldn't be a problem. By the way, how old are you? Can you tell me a bit about yourself?
From Me to Brian ******:
I am 25, and I am a landscaper. I actually am going to Chicago for a national landscaper convention.
I just remembered, I also need to bring my weedwhacker. Will that fit in your car?
Mike
From Brian ****** to Me:
It should...I have a Honda Civic but it has a trunk access panel and we might be able to lay it across the back seat/trunk.
From Me to Brian ******:
Great! I also have a mini-fridge that I want to bring (my hotel doesn't have one, and I need to keep my vodka chilled). Can we squeeze this in as well?
Mike
From Brian ****** to Me:
How big is it. I need room for my things too.
From Me to Brian ******:
It is about half the size of a normal fridge. I have some duct tape and rope, we could strap it to the roof of your car.
From Brian ****** to Me:
I don't want to do that sorry. How about you bring it and we can see if it will fit.
From Me to Brian ******:
Sounds good! I'm sure it will fit. I also want to bring my TV...it is a 50" flat screen. Is that a problem? I really hate the small TVs they have at the hotel.
From Brian ****** to Me:
How much shit are you bringing dude? Are you trying to move to Chicago? I said I have a Civic... not a moving van.
From Me to Brian ******:
I'm not bringing that much stuff, just my clothes, weedwhacker, mini-fridge, and TV. You said you had room for my stuff...now you don't? I don't understand. Does this mean we can't take my recliner either?
From Brian ****** to Me:
Are you for real?
From Me to Brian ******:
Yes I am for real.
I just had an idea...Does your Civic have a hitch? I want to bring my Ford F250 truck, could we hook it to your car? It would be nice for me to have my truck in Chicago so I don't have to ride in those dirty cabs everywhere. We could put some of the stuff I want to bring in the bed of my truck, since you "suddenly" don't have that much room.
From Brian ****** to Me:
Why don't you just drive your goddamn truck there. This is crazy
From Me to Brian ******:
Don't get me wrong, I love my truck, but it isn't so good on gas mileage. Can't we just tow it there? It works out better this way, because I wanted to bring my four wheeler but was afraid to ask you because you seem to be getting all pissy about me bringing my stuff.
From Brian ****** to Me:
Why the hell do you need all this shit for a trip to chicago. If anything it is your truck that should be towing my Civic. For christ's sake man, get real.
From Me to Brian ******:
Oh, do you think your Civic isn't capable of towing my truck? I understand. Tell you what, I'll talk to my friend Anthony. He's a mechanic, and could put a better motor in your car so it has more power to tow my truck. It shouldn't cost that much. What is your number? I'll tell him to give you a call.
From Brian ****** to Me:
I'm done talking to you.
From Me to Brian ******:
So am I still getting the ride? I talked to Anthony and he actually needs a ride to Chicago too. I told him he could come if he helps pay for gas. Do you have an extra seat for him? He might have some stuff he wants to bring.
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United States2789 Posts
Oh my god these are so hilarious. Thanks a bundle for showing them. I was laughing my ass off in real life and my room mate was giving me a strange look.
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ROFL HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAHA OMG
I swear I cried while reading all of this shit x'D
Please post more!
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Original ad:
I am in need of a reliable and SAFE driver to take my 10-year-old daughter home from after-school soccer practice starting in September and ending in late November. She needs to be taken from school in Exton to home in Bryn Mawr. It should take about an hour each day. You will be needed Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. Looking for a safe driver with a clean driving record. E-mail at ***********@comcast.net with references. We can discuss compensation. Thanks!
From Me to ************@comcast.net
Good afternoon.
My name is Mike Partlow and I am very interested in this job. I have a lot of experience driving under dangerous conditions and guarantee your daughter will arrive safely at home every day.
If you are still looking for a dependable driver, please write back.
Sincerely,
Mike Partlow
From Kate ******** to Me
Mr. Partlow (can I call you Mike?),
I still am looking for a driver. Good to know you can handle dangerous conditions...but there probably will not be any dangerous conditions; you are just taking my daughter down Rt 3.
Tell me about yourself - are you a professional driver? Do you have any references from past jobs? What kind of car do you own? Is it reliable?
- Kate
From Me to Kate ********
Kate,
You can call me Mike. I was never one for formalities.
A little about myself, I am 37 years old, and worked as a mercenary driver in the Middle East. I have escorted important clients through high-risk areas in Iraq and Afghanistan for five years. I have seen a lot of action, and have ensured the safety of my clients. Out of all the jobs I have done, 90% of my clients arrived at their destination unharmed.
I have several references. I'll have one of them e-mail you.
My car is very safe and reliable - perfect for your daughter. It is an armored 2007 Chevy Suburban. All glass has been replaced with multi-layered ballistic glass capable of stopping a 7.62 x 39 bullet dead in its tracks. The doors, roof, and floor have been reinforced with ballistic steel/composite that can withstand IED blasts and stop grenade fragmentation. This car has been put to the test and will always deliver.
Safety and protection is my #1 priority. The car is fully loaded with an HK416 assault rifle that fire under the toughest conditions. The roof has a 40mm MK-19 automatic grenade launcher turret installed. Hopefully we won't have to use it, but it is good to have. I can't tell you how many times I've had to return fire against an enemy APC. I assure you that nobody will mess with your daughter as I escort her home from soccer practice.
Now lets discuss pay. I have various security packages I offer, and for your daughter I recommend my medium package which will run you $200 an hour. I also have a minimal package which is only $125 an hour. It is entirely up to you.
Let me know,
Mike Partlow
From Kate ******** to Me
This has to be a joke. This isnt Bagdad, it's suburban PA...
Are you just being sarcastic? What do you really drive? I want to pay 30 bucks a day, tops.
From Me to Kate ********
Kate,
Safety/protection is no joke. For $30, you are likely to get some 17-year-old kid who just got his license and will drive your daughter in his unarmored Ford Focus. I've seen an IED blow a Ford Focus into thousands of pieces, none larger than a golf ball.
My security package is well worth the $200 per trip. We will pick your daughter up in a random Suburban. Four trucks will pull up, and she will get into a random one every day. This is so the enemy does not know which one to attack. The Suburban she is in will have an armed security detail of men I have worked with in Iraq. We know what we are doing. She will be escorted in our convoy down the highway at a high rate of speed to avoid stopping in "kill zones." All vehicles are equipped with an MIRT which is used to change the traffic lights to green so we will not have to slow down. Your daughter will arrive safely in your arms no later than 20 minutes from when she is extracted from the soccer field.
Please reconsider my offer. You can't put a price on your daughter's safety.
From Kate ******** to Me
Stop wasting my time. Don't e-mail me again.
(later, from another e-mail account)
From Nick Walken to Kate **********
Dear Kate,
I am an old client of Mike Partlow. He told me that you wanted a reference for a job you are considering him for. Let me start off by saying, you could not have made a finer choice. Mike is the best there is. He literally saved my life countless times in Iraq. Whatever you are using him for, you have made the right choice. You will be 100% safe.
When I think about my experience Mike, one time stands above the rest. Back in 2005, I was a contractor in Iraq and had hired Mike's security detail to escort me through Fallujah. Everything was going fine until our convoy was hit by an IED. I don't remember much, but next thing you know, I woke up in a Republican Guard prisoner camp with Mike. I thought we were goners. They took me and Mike into a hut, where there were at least eight armed soldiers placing bets. They were going to make Mike and I play Russian Roulette. Mike convinced a soldier to let him play with three bullets, instead of one, which I thought was crazy. Mike even put the gun to his head once and pulled the trigger. He started laughing, and the soldiers started laughing too. When they let their guard down, he immediately shot three of them in the head, grabbed one of their AKs, and gunned down the other five soldiers. I didn't think we would make it out of that one alive, but thanks to Mike's heroic actions, I am here today.
You cannot go wrong with Mike Partlow. He is the best of the best. One time he killed an entire truck of insurgents using just a fork from his salad. He makes do with what he has and will survive the worst of situations.
If you have any more questions about Mike, please don't hesitate to contact me. I owe the man my life.
Nick
From Kate ******** to Me
what in the hell...
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From Timmy Tucker to **********@***********.org
RE: Air Hockey Table
Hello,
I saw your ad for an air hockey table and had a question about it. My girlfriend tells me has always wanted to have sex on an air hockey table. Before I shell out $150 for this, I just wanted to know if sex on an air hockey table is practical and/or really even worth it. I told her if she wanted air blowing on her we could just lay on a window fan, but she is insisting that I get an air hockey table. What do you think?
Tim
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me
Dont think it is as sturdy as my pool table but you two can c0ome try it out and let me know
From Timmy Tucker to **********@yahoo.com
Great. I'll let my girlfriend know. Will we have privacy, or are you going to be there to make sure we don't break it?
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me
I will be there for support and help but very private
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I'm pissing my pants laughing at this shit XDD
Original ad:
**********HEY YOU THERE*************-$1500
HELLO I AM LOOKING FOR A FORD EXPLORER!I NEED A TRUCK SO IF YOU ARE SELLING YOURS AND IT HAS NO PROBLEMS WHAT SO EVER THEN LET ME KNOW. I'M A SINGLE MOTHER OF 3 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS AND WE NEED A WAY TO GET AROUND WHERE NO BODY WILL BE ALL CRAMPED UP AND A EXPLORER WILL DO US JUST FINE. I'M LOOKING TO BUY AROUND THE END OF OCTOBER IF YOU HAVE ONE THAT YOU WANT TO SELL THEN GET AT ME A.S.AP.
(the ad also had a picture of her posing for the camera, like that is necessary for an "auto wanted" ad)
Me to SHANIQUA ***********
ay yo girl i gots a ford explorer for you
its not really a 1997 its a 1985
and its not really a ford explorer its a ford bronco but its like the same thing
here are the specs if your interested:
-217,292 miles
-transmission is in good shape, 5th gear and reverse work but the rest dont
-the V6 engine was replaced with a V8, gas mileage is pretty good - i got about 12 mpg highway the other day but that was with premium
-power windows but you have to turn a crank to roll them down
-tape player - it does play but there is a def leppard tape jammed in there and it won't come out. great for def leppard fans!
-i am a smoker so you can smell it in the car, but ill throw in an air-freshener for an extra 10 bucks
-it came with front airbag, but it deployed in my last accident and i didnt get it replaced. broncos are safe though so you wont have to worry about an airbag.
-the air conditioning does not work anymore, but it used to and was really cold.
-heat works if you drive the car for a while
-the frame is bent due to an accident with a tractor trailer, but as long as you dont drive over 40 you shouldnt have any problems
-it can seat five which is good for kids, but the back seat has beer and urine stains. they have been professionally treated with windex
-the rear window is missing, but has been repaired with saran wrap
-you will need to have some minor repairs done: new brakes, the rear axle is missing, needs a new radiator and coolant system. i spoke to my friend who knows a lot about cars and he said it shouldnt cost more than a few bucks.
im asking for $7,500 but am willing to negotiate.
let me know what you think
-ted
SHANIQUA *********** to Me
No thanks.That's not what I'm looking for it's too old and not even the right type of Ford.Have a nice day
Me to SHANIQUA ***********
I'm willing to drop the price to $7,000 and throw in a phil collins cassette tape for the tape player. even though it may seem old, it still runs like it was OJ's bronco. and don't worry about it not being an explorer. all fords are built ford tough.
SHANIQUA *********** to Me
I don't think that you read my ad.I don't have $7000.00 to spend on a truck much less a DAMN 1985 BRONCO!!!!!!!!!!!You should be willing to give that old ass piece of shit away.GO AWAY and leave me the hell alone STOP WASTING MY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me to SHANIQUA ***********
I see you are a tough negotiator. My final offer is $6,900, and I'll include a floormat from my 1983 cutlass supreme. this floormat is brown with several stains and cigarette burns, but it will keep the beautiful bronco interior very clean. please consider this generous offer.
SHANIQUA *********** to Me
READ THE AD 1500 THAT'S IT.I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN FORD BRONCO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me to SHANIQUA ***********
Okay, I can see that this luxurious bronco is out of your price range. That is okay. I have a cheaper car that you may be interested in.
It is a 1996 Geo Metro. Almost EXACTLY the same as a Ford Explorer. When looking at the two, I personally can't even tell the difference.
It was my son's car, but he lost his license after his third DUI, so now I am stuck with it. I have no use for it though, and would be willing to sell it to you for $1550.
Features:
- 246,000 HIGHWAY miles
- AM radio, great for traffic reports and radio disney
- 3 great tires from Walmart, they still have about 200 miles worth of tread on them
- Partially functional transmission. Reverse does not work, but you don't really need that anyway.
- Due to a wheel alignment problem, the car can only turn right. But with power steering, it makes turning right easy. Three right turns can make a left.
- No title
- Currently needs brakes, exhaust, cat converter, a front wheel and rotor, and a motor to pass inspection. But as long as you don't get pulled over, who cares about inspection?
- The paint is a metallic/rust red. Some of the spots have rusted through, but I covered it up with duct tape and spray paint. Looks good as new!
- Comes with THE CLUB, a state of the art anti-theft device. But i lost the key to it, so its stuck on the steering wheel. great for leaving your car in west philly!
- The gas tank currently leaks gas, so MPG is around 6 or 7 depending on how fast you drive. You just need to keep plugging the hole with gum.
At that price, this car is a DEAL! Let me know what you think.
SHANIQUA *********** to Me
YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me to SHANIQUA ***********
so you don't want the geo? you're missing out on a dream car. tell you what, for that price, I will also include three old Newsweek magazines, a used toaster, and an old Philadelphia Eagles #81 Terrell Owens jersey.
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The 'safe and reliable driver' request just killed me. This guy is an asshole alright... but a hilarious one.
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Original ad:
2007 Cadillac Escalade for sale - 38,000 miles. Great condition! Asking $40,000. E-mail if interested.
From Mike Partlow to **************@*********.org
Hey,
I have a proposition for you. I will give you $50 if you let me borrow your Escalade for tomorrow night. I have been trying to get a date with this girl, but the only way I was able to get her to go on a date with me was by telling her that I am a very rich and powerful drug dealer. The problem is, I am not a drug dealer, and I actually drive a 91 Honda Accord. She will know I am lying if I pick her up in that. The only chance I have of getting with this chick is if I roll up in your ballin Escalade. If you let me borrow it, on top of giving you $50, I will put a few gallons of gas in it. I promise we will not have sex on your seats.
Please help me out!
Mike
From James ******* to Me
Absolutely not. The car is not for rent!
From Mike Partlow to James ********
James,
I am willing to pay you up to $60 to borrow your Escalade. If you are worried about me messing it up, you can ride with me. In fact, you can drive it. I'll tell her you are my bodyguard. That would actually work out better, I think. Do you look like a bodyguard? You'd have to wear a suit, and possibly one of those earpieces with the coiled cord running down your neck. You should occasionally touch the earpiece to your ear, like you are listening to some badass security chatter. You shouldn't talk have to talk much, just drive and look badass.
Please reconsider my offer.
Mike
From James ******** to Me
No. That is stupid. Maybe you should try asking out a woman that isn't a materialistic gold digger.
From Mike Partlow to James *********
Golddigger or not, this girl's rack is phenominal. Tell you what, if you consider my offer and I end up getting laid, I will try to snap a picture of her tits with my cellphone and send it to you. Trust me, they are great.
Mike
From James ******** to Me
Shut up. You aren't borrowing my car.
From Mike Partlow to James *********
Well James, you are being a cockblocker. I hope next time you are trying to get your D wet, you get the shit cockblocked out of you.
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Hahahahaha, these are priceless. Oh, how perfect it is when they take the bait.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, that is sooooo funny XD
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Original ad:
Wanted: ride from philly to rehoboth beach
i am trying to leave any time next friday. i will pay for gas, and provide conversation.i am bringing a large duffel bag and a cat.
From Mike Partlow to ***********@*********.org
Hey,
I have to go to court in Rehoboth next Friday, so I would be able to give you a ride. I just want to know, you're female, right?
Mike
From chris ******** to Me
i am male. what time did you want to leave?
-chris
From Mike Partlow to chris *********
Chris,
I'm sorry, I thought you were female because you said you owned a cat. Sorry, but I don't want to give you a ride. Two dudes in a car, going to Rehoboth, it just seems a little gay. Better luck next time.
Mike
From chris ******** to Me
wtf how is that gay? i just want a ride!
From Mike Partlow to chris *********
Well normally I wouldn't think anything of it, but first off, you own a cat, and you are a dude. That is a huge red flag right there. Any normal straight guy wouldn't own a cat, and if he did, he wouldn't care about the cat enough to take it to the beach. Second, you want to go to Rehomo Beach. I'm not judging your lifestyle or anything man, I just don't want you gaying up my car. No offense. I don't even want to know what is in your duffel bag.
From chris ******** to Me
stfu dude why are you being a prick! im not fucking gay i just cant get a fucking ride to the beach! my GIRLFRIEND happens to have a house in rehoboth!!
From Mike Partlow to chris *********
Yeah, I'm sure he does.
I think Richard Simmons is driving down there next week, try to get a ride with him.
OMG this is the best one yet LOL
Original ad:
I am trying to get 2 tickets to the Nationals vs. Red Sox on Thursday, June 25th. I'm willing to pay up to $40.
From Mike Partlow to **********@**********.org
Hello, I do not have tickets to the Nationals, but I do have a video tape of my 7-year-old's little league team game last week. He plays for the Arby's Allstars, and they beat the Smith Hardware Little Leaguers. I am sure it will be way more entertaining than watching the Nationals get their ass whooped for the 49th time this season.
From austin ******* to Me
Fuck yourself, asshole.
From Mike Partlow to austin *******
Austin, my 7-year-old son was on the computer and he read your very offensive e-mail. Now he is going around telling everyone to "fuck themselves." Me and my wife tried to raise him to be a kid who doesn't curse, but thanks to your profanity, he thinks it is okay. I demand an apology from you.
From austin ******* to Me
You want my apology? Go fuck yourself.
From Mike Partlow to austin *******
I did have the tickets; I was just messing around with you. They were good seats - 10 rows back from third base. I was going to sell them both for $30. I would rather burn them, however, if you don't apologize. If you do apologize, the tickets will be yours.
From Mike Partlow to austin *******
I'm waiting...
From austin ******* to Me
I'm sorry about your kid.
From Mike Partlow to austin *******
Hah, what a sucker. I made you look like little bitch in front of my 7-year-old son. I don't actually have any tickets. Thanks for helping me teach my son a lesson about how not to keep your dignity.
Mike
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Original ad:
I NEED CASH! I am a handyman and can do all kinds of work. I do plumbing, dry wall, electric, general construction, and any other job you need done! Email or call
From Dan Gibson to *************@********.org
Hello,
Your handyman skills are needed. I have a problem I was hoping you would be able to help me with. Last night, when I was throwing up, I accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet and flushed it. It is a small phone, so I am pretty sure it made its way to my septic tank in the backyard. I need to get this phone back. It has an irreplaceable picture of my friend Tim hooking up with a fat chick, and I need this picture so I can taunt him with it for the rest of his life.
I will hire you to sift through my septic tank to find the phone. It is a 1250 gallon septic tank, and has not been drained in a while. On the plus side, I will let you keep anything you find that is not my phone. There is probably a ton of spare change that was accidentally flushed, and maybe some other treasures. The pay for this job could potentially be huge.
Please let me know when you can help. I am free all week. Just contact me via e-mail, because my phone obviously is in a world of shit (no pun intended)
Thanks,
Dan
From ivan ******* to Me
you must be out of your fucking mind.
From Dan Gibson to ivan *******
So is that a yes? Your handyman ad said that you did plumbing.
Dan
From ivan ******* to Me
yeah but did it say that i swim through tanks of fucking shit? no.
you couldnt pay me a thousand dollars to do that.
From Dan Gibson to ivan *******
Well I just thought that was implied with "I do plumbing." I didn't realize it meant that you didn't take jobs that you are too scared to do.
I just remembered, a while ago, my ex-wife's engagement ring was accidentally flushed when I was nailing her on the toilet. If you find it, it is yours. It is only a cubic zirconia (fooled her, ha ha!), but it is still probably worth about $50.
I also just flushed some air fresheners down the toilet, to freshen up the septic tank for you.
Are you going to help me now or what?
From ivan ******* to Me
Wow You sound like a real classy guy. you dont need a handyman what you need is a fucking septic tank expert with a death wish. fuck off.
From Dan Gibson to ivan *******
Nah, I think I just need a REAL handyman, not some pussy who says he does plumbing but then backs out when he finds out that the job is too hard. It isn't even a hard job, so I don't know what your problem is. Hell, my 10-year-old son could do this. In fact, he has done this before. I'd ask him to do it again but the ex took my kids and moved to Arizona.
Will you hurry up and do the job? The phone is still ringing when I call it from the house, but the battery life will not last that long. I think I can even hear it when I stand outside over my septic tank. Tell you what, while you are sifting through it, I'll flush down some soap to clean the tank a little bit.
From ivan ******* to Me
gee i wonder why your wife took your kids...FUCK OFF. you are a fucking retard!!
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Original ad:
I need the help of a drywall expert to repair a large hole in our hallway wall. The hole is about three feet wide. You will need to bring all materials needed, but I will cover the cost. I can send pictures of the hole if requested.
Please respond with availability and a reasonable rate.
From Me to *************@*********.org
Hey,
I saw your ad and will be able to help you out. The best thing to do for dry wall holes is to tape over the entire hole with strips of duct tape, and then paint over the duct tape. If you have wallpaper, I could just put wallpaper over the hole. That would be even easier. After the repair, nobody should lean up on the wall or it will probably tear again. I suggest hanging a picture over the hole. I have some old framed pictures of Bon Jovi that I could bring and install over the hole.
I am available all week, and my rate is $25/hr. When can I stop by?
-Dan
From Brittany ********* to Me
Hi Dan! Thanks for the quick response. Sounds good! I will forward this e-mail to my husband and he'll get back to you ASAP.
Thanks!
Brit
From Bryan ********* to Me
Dan,
My wife sent me your email, but I don't think she actually read/understood what you wrote. If you are serious, then we don't need your help. I hope that isn't how you actually repair things. Regardless, I will tell my wife to actually read the emails before sending them to me.
Regards,
Bryan
From Me to Bryan **********
Good afternoon Brian,
Your wife doesn't sound too smart. I was going to recommend Hooked on Phonics, but she seems to be capable of writing. I think she just does not have the ability to comprehend what she is reading. I have a cousin who is "slow", and there is this really good remedial school in Philly that he went to. They offer some classes that help with reading comprehension. If you want, I can look up the school and send the information to your wife.
- Dan
From Bryan ********* to Me
Heh heh, that might be just what she needs...
From Me to Bryan **********
CC: Brittany *********
Great! I'm forwarding our conversation to your wife, along with the school information.
The name of the school is "Smithbridge School for Special People," and you can call them at (***)-***-2195.
From Bryan ********* to Me
Oh boy...please don't...
From Brittany ********* to Me
What a jerk you are. Excuse me for being busy and quickly browsing through your letter. Go to hell!
From Me to Brittany *********
Brit, you should really consider this school. It might not seem like it, but they actually can help you. It did wonders for my cousin. He used to just stay at home with his aunt all day, but now he has a great job at McDonalds. Please, just give them a call.
-Dan
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hahah this thread is amazing.
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Original ad:
PARROT WANTED
I am looking for a parrot for my two children. I used to have a parrot and loved her and would love to see my kids have one. Really any kind of parrot will do. I have a vet that can check it out - please email me if you have a parrot you don't want!
Thanks!
From Me to **************@*********.org
Hi there!
I have an African Grey parrot that my wife and I do not want anymore. It would be great for your kids! Let me know if you want him.
Mike
From Sandra ********* to Me
Mike - tell me about your parrot! How old is he? Do you have any pictures of him? Why do you want to get rid of him?
From Me to Sandra ***********
Sandra,
My parrot is 2 years old. I don't have any pictures, but he looks like a typical parrot.
We are getting rid of him because my wife does not like him. My wife and I argue a lot, and the parrot seems to have picked up some of the things I have said and just shouts them at my wife when she walks by. I think the final straw was when the parrot called her a "stupid fat twat." She takes it personally, even though I tell her that she shouldn't be self-conscious just because a parrot thinks she is fat. Now I will admit that I trained it to say "nice cellulite, bitch" whenever my wife walks by, but the parrot pretty much just curses at everyone now. Whenever I walk in the door, it calls me a "cocksucking grundle licker." It kind of gets annoying when it is the first thing I hear after working all day.
Also, I let my friend watch the parrot for a week when I was on vacation, and ever since then, the parrot sings "The Final Countdown" by Europe every night at 4 in the morning. It often wakes me up and I am tired of it. I don't even like that song.
The parrot also has an issue with defecating in its cage. It will wait until I let it out, and then immediately fly over to the kitchen and shit on my food. If I don't let him out, he starts yelling "I have to shit!" until I let him out. It can go on for hours.
My wife pretty much told me either the parrot goes, or she will leave me. So I have no choice but to get rid of him. His name is Sam. I think he will be great for your kids, as long as they aren't fat and won't take the insults he yells at them personally.
I can set up a time for you to come check him out this week if you want. What day works for you?
Mike
From Sandra ********* to Me
Mike, I don't think that parrot would be appropriate for my kids - they are only five and seven years old.
From Me to Sandra ***********
Sandra,
I think he would be great for your kids. I didn't mean to scare you off with the bad description of the parrot. He really is a nice parrot. There is a way to prevent him from shouting obscenities. I found that if I soak his food in drain cleaner and then give it to him, it burns up his throat and he doesn't talk for a few days. I can include a bottle of Draino and a few bags of bird food with him, if you want.
Mike
From Sandra ********* to Me
Are you serious? That can kill him!! He sounds like he was a nice parrot but you have no idea how to take care of him! Give him to the SPCA!
From Me to Sandra ***********
Excuse me? I know how to take care of a parrot. It sounds like you don't know how to take care of your kids if you are always turning down free, lovable pets for them. THAT can kill their spirits. Why even put an ad up if you aren't willing to be reasonable? Sorry this parrot isn't perfect. You can't expect people to give you Toucan fucking Sam for free.
I can't take him to the SPCA. They told me never to come back after I tried to give them a bunch of rats that my rat trap caught but didn't kill.
If you don't take my parrot, I'm afraid my only option is to release him into my backyard, and then shoot him with my shotgun for sport.
From Sandra ********* to Me
You are a f*cking lunatic.
From Me to Sandra ***********
Sandra please take my parrot. I just checked and I don't have any more birdshot shells for my gun. Please don't make me have to drive all the way to Delaware to get more.
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lol those were pretty funny
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United States2789 Posts
The following post is a set of e-mails from me actually trying to sell my TV. I guess I was asking too much for it.
Original ad:
PLASMA HDTV - $850
I'm selling my 42" 720p Samsung Plasma TV (PN42A410). I bought it a year ago and there is nothing wrong with it. I just want to get a bigger TV with more P's.
From ************@yahoo.com to Me
hey will you take $700 for it
From Me to ************@yahoo.com
You are asking me to drop the price by $150. I am willing to do this if you let me shoot you in the groin with my paintball gun 20 times in a row. You can't wear a cup. I get to set the velocity to 450 FPS.
From ************@yahoo.com to Me
seriously?
From Me to ************@yahoo.com
Yes. 20 shots and its yours.
From ************@yahoo.com to Me
uhh no. hows $750 sound
From Me to ************@yahoo.com
Do you have a girlfriend? If you do, and she is hot (I'll need pics), and she blows me, you can have the TV for $750. You can't watch either.
From ************@yahoo.com to Me
fuck off dude
From Me to ************@yahoo.com
Tell you what, I'll sell it to you for $900 and you won't have to do any of that stuff.
From ************@yahoo.com to Me
wtf your ad said $850
From Me to ************@yahoo.com
I added $50 for you trying to haggle me. I'll remove this $50 haggling fee if you let me break an empty vodka bottle over your head.
From ************@yahoo.com to Me
fuck off
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From **************@comcast.net to Me
A TV like that goes for $699 brand new at Best Buy. I'll give you $400 for it?
From Me to **************@comcast.net
For $400, I will cut the TV in half with a sawzall and give you half of it. Which half would you like? The left half has all of the HDMI inputs, and the right half has the power/channel/input buttons.
From **************@comcast.net to Me
I guess I'm going to Best Buy...
From Me to **************@comcast.net
WAIT! Before you go to Best Buy, consider my new offer:
I'll sell you the TV for my new low price of $800. Also, I was planning on leaving it on a paused frame of gay porn all weekend so it would be burned into the screen, but I won't do this if you accept my offer within the next 10 minutes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From cory ***** to Me
ill give you $600 cash for your tv
From Me to cory *****
Sounds good! When can you come get it?
From cory ***** to Me
where do you live?
From Me to cory *****
**** *******
From cory ***** to Me
well ya i know that but like whats your address
From Me to cory *****
I'm not telling you that. Sorry, but I just don't trust people from the internet.
From cory ***** to Me
well do you want to deliver it to my place?
From Me to cory *****
And get kidnapped? I don't think so.
Here's how it is going down: We'll meet Sunday afternoon in a crowded part of town. Lets say High St, by the courthouse. I'll be walking towards Market St and you'll be walking away from it at precisely 1:00 (when the courthouse clock goes off.) Have a black suitcase ready with $600 in unmarked, non-sequential US twenty-dollar bills. I'll have a suitcase as well, and be wearing a black suit. Tell me what you plan on wearing. We will accidentally bump into each other, drop our suitcases, and pick up the other person's suitcase and continue walking. The suitcase you pick up will have a key inside it to a 1998 Ford Econoline that will be parked on Miner Street. Use the key to open the back of the van, which will have the TV inside of it. Take the TV, and leave the key in the van. You will be watched so don't try anything funny. If the suitcase does not have $600 in it, the van will be destroyed.
Does this work for you?
From cory ***** to Me
no wtf
From Me to cory *****
why not?
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lol so good
my favorite is the one for the litter of kittens
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damn i read all of them...
i feel like making some xD
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Canada8029 Posts
From the comment section:
Anonymous (2009-08-28 21:28:16)
Any reason half of the comments are cut off? Is that this site's policy of censoring?
john (2009-08-29 09:51:41)
you can only post 255 characters because of the database field size...but I let you type as much as you want in the box because I think it is funny
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Snet
United States3573 Posts
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Wow i just read all of the ones posted in this thread and lol'd at least 10 times. Great stuff.
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ahahaha. they are all so funny. bash.org is another site like this.
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Hong Kong20321 Posts
HAHAHAH OMg those are friggin hilarious hoyl shit hahahah
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Hm... I got a reply from him: Or, at least I think this is him.
Original ad:
I am looking for a good, loyal dog. Can not find a suitable one at the local pet stores or shelters. Please include a picture.
From Mike Anderson to Me
You seem to have a very discerning eye for dogs. That’s great, because you want to find a dog that’s right for you. I have a dog that I think will serve as a wonderful companion for many years. Here’s a little about him: he loves the outdoors, and he’s always running about in my backyard chasing squirrels. He’s quick and agile, and tons of fun to be around. I assure you that he’ll be able to catch any Frisbee you throw at him. Best of all, he’s very affectionate. Now you may be wondering why I’d be willing to part with such a wonderful pet. Well, you see, one day, the neighbor’s children were playing a little too close to my yard, and Sparky, being very territorial and protective, mauled the arm of the youngest. The local authorities are now forcing me to put poor Sparky to sleep, so the only option I can see is to send away my beloved companion to the trustworthy hands of one whom I know will take good care of him. I’ve included a picture.
+ Show Spoiler [His Picture] +
Please, don’t let them put my best friend to sleep,
Mike
From Me to Mike Anderson
Mike,
That doesn’t look like my type of dog… I’m worried that I’d have a hard time getting him under control… Sorry.
From Mike Anderson to Me
I understand your concern, but let me reassure you that Sparky is the best dog I’ve ever had. For one, I never have to worry about going hungry, because he leaves plenty of fresh venison in my yard. Also, if you’re worried about safety issues, I promise that he only attacks when provoked. As long as you stay nice and still, and assuming you don’t have a horrible meaty body odor, you will be perfectly fine. Give him another chance – I promise, he’s tons of fun. And for an extra $60, I will provide a tamer’s whip and chainmail mesh for a little added protection.
Please reconsider,
Mike
From Me to Mike Anderson
Mike,
Well, if you’re sure I can get him under control… However, do you happen to know if wolves taste any good? I was hoping for a slightly more common breed, as they generally don’t serve wolves where I’m from, so I hope you can understand my speculation. Anyways, I’m willing to reconsider. Name your final price, and we can proceed with the transaction.
I'm still waiting for his reply...
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HAHA these were great
the fridge one was awesome
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this has been the most entertaining thing ive stumbled upon in a long time rofl
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these are hilarious. something new to read at work
and it's even funnier because the asshole is trying to be civil
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EPT![[image loading]](http://www.scienceclarified.com/images/uesc_02_img0107.jpg)
