also, when people who say relax have fun and be yourself, they say that with a lot of assumptions about what is natural to do in a social situation you don't have, along with all the experiences that built those assumptions. therefore I think its terrible advice because its to extraordinarily ambiguous, and doesn't give you anything actionable to do other than fall back upon your current defaults that ALREADY DON'T WORK

the most helpful pieces of advice for me were these two things:

- your job and role in this world is to make the lives of the people around you better. figure out how. you're going to have to consciously pay attention to things, feel uncomfortable complimenting, etc. but get used to giving other people the best meanings and experiences you can. be extra nice and thoughtful and you'll realize how much nailing a good compliment feels like getting first blood

- your only goal besides the above is your own amusement. this means being able to articulate your sense of humor, or at least pay really close attention to the kinds of things that make you laugh and consume them more, and focus on expanding your the amount of stuff you will laugh about.