EPTI’d love to be able to say that the first I’ve felt when I’ve woken up was the ringing of the gun shot in my ears. I say I’d love to because that would have given me some idea of how long I’ve spent in the Kingdom of Death. And because that would mean I wasn’t overwhelmed by the feeling that a small metal object has given a very short visit to my brain. Not even visits to someone lying unconscious in a hospital are end this fast.
So imagine me lying there on a slope created by the innards of a ruined house flowing through it’s door, head below there rest of the body, my feet under my ass since I fell over while kneeling, a revolver still in my hand, piles of ever fresh shit all around, with my mind locked trying to figure out whether I do or do not have a red hot metal rod drawn through the middle of my head. If I did, My next step would be to remove it obviously, but I slowly came to the conclusion that I’m actually not trve enough to have this much \m/etal crystallize out of my brain.
With such flawless logic assuring me of the lack of alien bodies in my head, I decided to open my eyes. Surprisingly not blinded by a supernova of pain, I see that I am still where I performed my overenthusiastic ballistics test and , judging by the color of the light around me, at least eight hours have passed. However, judging by how my feet felt, or rather didn’t feel at all, it’s been somewhat longer.
I kept hearing some disgusting, fleshy wet sounds, giving me the extremely disturbing idea that my brain was still on the move, or even leaking out. Since that is something I’d want to stop as soon as I could, I had to act. The first step towards a leak free brain environment was to verify the existence of a leak. I already used my tongue to check my mouth,and, boy, was there an extra hole in there. Checking the other end of the hole would require the use of my hands, which i promptly raised so that I can see them. They worked! A bit stunned by the fact that the pain in my head didn't react to my bold move in any way, I took a moment to realise there was a still a gun hanging of my trigger finger. I quickly shook off that junk and started touching the top of my head with utmost care to NOT TOUCH MY BRAIN, MY GOD, I’D DIE IF I DID, DISGUSTING, BLEURGH.
Fortunately all I could feel was just a solid shell of coagulated blood on the back of my head, perfectly dry, obviously not leaking. Relieved, I assessed my situation. Head was in as good of a shape it could possibly be, hands worked perfectly and the body was upset about the ridiculous position it was lying in God knows how long. Still no word from legs though, it would really suck if after all this I somehow ended up paralyzed waist down. Hoping they’re just really numb I decide to roll over on my side, which should unfold them naturally and at the same time was significantly easier than sitting up in my current situation. I gathered my strength for a minute, ignoring the disgusting sounds coming seemingly from the top of my head(maybe my inner ear got busted?), and slowly lift my right side up using my hands. With great difficulty I manage to tip myself over, and with favorable terrain I flip completely onto my stomach. I tried lifting myself up, doing a pushup of sorts, but that has angered a nest of angry snakes, who were sleeping in my head up until that point, and caused them to attack my legs with their sharp, venomous fangs. In other words, a lightning of pain went down my spine and struck my legs. I did manage to see the splatter of blood and whatever else was in my head at the time right before I got blinded by whatever toxin those electric reptiles injected into my veins, and it seemed to be a small puddle of pulsating pink goo. And pink was the last thing on my mind as I collapsed into darkness.
I was walking through a nice summer forest, admiring the flowers and wildlife, listening to the birds chirp and the fantastic ambiance this place had when all out of the sudden a purple man without a face jumped in front of me, raised his hands as if he was surprised, which caused a purple bubble to appear around me, and he started bash my head in with his giant spiked mace. All this time I couldn’t even lift my finger to cover myself from the blows. The man casually strolled out after he mashed me into pulp, leaving me there feeling like a burger patty.
It took me some time to gather myself up but I managed to stand up again and continue my walk, determined to enjoy my time in this wonderful place. I didn't even manage to walk for a minute when I stumbled upon a tiny dude wearing a top hat and carrying a shovel. He was seriously the tiniest person I’ve ever met, and he obviously had some issues, because as soon as he noticed I’m looking at him he got visibly mad, threw a net over me and started hitting my ankles with his shovel. I closed my eyes in pain and when I opened them again there were like eight of these fucking dudes all around me, all hitting my legs with their filthy digging equipment and throwing stuff over me. Again I was completely unable to defend myself, all tangled up in nets and what have you. As soon as I fell over from all the blows they started walking away, congratulating on a job well done and joking around, as if they haven't just brutally mauled someone to death.
Picking myself up again I was starting to doubt if this place was so fantastic after all, I was murdered twice in a space of 5 minutes after all. Three times the charm, I said to myself and decided to keep strolling, thinking this time maybe I should stay away from the obvious paths, the traffic on them was literally killer.
I didn’t even manage to walk ten steps in to the trees when I heard a loud lawn mower noise from behind me, followed by the sound of a stampede. Which idiot decided it was a good idea to mow a lawn in the middle of a forest and why did it have to scare some herd into stampeding seemingly right into me. I turned around to see it was actually a single creature causing all this ruckus, a centaur to be exact. Also wanting to murder me, from the looks of it. I sighed and let him trample me, stomp my head into the ground with his front hooves, which he followed up by cutting my head in half with his giant two handed axe.
Fuck this, I’m out.
Even though I knew what I’ve just gone through wasn’t real my body sure felt like it all happened just minutes ago. My head might as well have been stomped into the ground and split in half with an axe, and my legs were in the most painful stage of “Death by a thousand cuts”. All around I was doing great, thanks for asking.
As fun as just lying there and enjoying how fucked up my life has become lately would be, I forced myself to lift my head from the ground, mostly because of a large rock-like object almost poking my eye out. As I lifted it, I experienced a steamroller rolling over the inside of my skull, an improvement for sure considering how rough everything in there must have been. When I opened my eyes it took me a while stop seeing a double feature of blurred pink, but as my vision slowly cleared the amount of pink stayed at an alarmingly high level. I was obviously still hallucinating, because in front of me stood a pink, cat like, cat sized, obviously-not-a-cat creature. It looked like nothing I’ve seen before and had a strong aura of being made of gelatin. I let out a confused “Waaaaa…”, which made the creature tilt it’s head in confusion. I don’t think it understood retard speak. Not wanting to spend precious energy on talking to made up animals, even if they were pretty darn cute, I started crawling forward onto flatter ground, where having my body all on the same level should speed up the recovery of my legs.
Sitting with my back against the wall of the house on the opposite side of the street I committed that mindblowingly not deadly act, I slowly realised that the mess it must have made was nowhere to be seen, and the only time I’ve seen it , it was the same color this ridiculous creature sitting right next to my feet is. Could it be that it’s the abandoned, or even betrayed, part of my mind coming back to haunt me? It doesn’t look very vengeful, or even upset. It’s just looking at me with interest, like it’s the first time it’s seen me. Which is true after all. I decided to do a little test.
-Come here- I said to it as calmly as I could with this headache. I never much to do with any animals but that has never stopped me from being good with them. And this turned out to be particularly tame as it instantly started to carefully walk towards me, and sat within my hands reach, where it let me my scratch it behind it’s ear. It didn’t really react much to that, just kept staring at me.
-What do I do with you now, you adorable fucker?- I asked myself out loud. I wasn’t really expecting an answer, obviously, but I had difficulties formulating my thoughts. Is this why people talk to themselves? Oh, wait I did get an answer! The creature shook off my hand, jumped over my legs, started walking started walking in the direction I think I’ve come from but stopped to look back at me after a few steps.
-What, you want me to go with you?
The creature noded vigorously.
Well, isn't that just the creepiest thing?
Despite not being in excruciating pain anymore, I was still very much a wreck. I had to lean against the wall to walk, and take breaks almost every ten meters. The creature was patient with me, coming back to me whenever I stopped for a longer while and walking round my legs, rubbing hard on them. I tried to trigger a placebo effect off of that, trying to convince myself that it had healing powers, but to no avail. But I kept following my pink guide, who would take the weirdest shortcuts, often leading my into paths so narrow it was impossible to fall over sideways in them, something I was rather happy about.
Sun was high up in the sky when we reached a particularly large house, almost a mansion, with it’s doors taken off it’s hinges and covering the window instead. I had to stop and scratch my head about that one. Why would anyone do something like that? Truly this place is full of everything but logic. I’m sure some of these houses have roofs instead of foundations, but nobody ever bothered to dig in the filth this city was founded upon. You don’t even wanna know.
My pink, cuddly Virgil pawed my knee gently, mercilessly derailing my train of thought. There were no survivors, a good thing all things considered. She obviously wanted me to get inside, not to contemplate the absurdities in my surroundings. Reluctantly, I obliged and slowly shuffled into a dark and empty corridor, with modern art carved by the wind in the layer of dust on the floor being the only decoration it had.
The pink eeveelution lookalike however cared not for mother nature’s masterpiece and vandalized it enthusiastically, playing in the dunes of dust happily as she moved straight into the room at the end of the hallway. There were seven doors in front of me, three on each side and one on the far end where a pink tail just disappeared. When I was slowly walking past them, leaning on the marvelously smooth wall I quickly peeked inside. And a peek was all it took as they were all empty, the only noteworthy thing was the unbelievably thick layer of dust on the floor. It was more than knee deep in some corners.
When I reached the end of the corridor, I saw an almost identical room, only difference being the huge pile of fallen apart furniture filling almost half of the room up to half its height. It looked like furniture in this house was all from Ikea and was put together really lazily, using only the wooden bolts and skipping all the metal screws. Soon enough it must have fallen apart and was all gathered here. Most of the parts weren’t even broken. And on top of the pile, looking particularly adorable, was sat my newest friend. Walking up to her, I said:
-Beautiful. Did you make it yourself? -she looked at me confused- Never mind- poor thin obviously wasn’t smart enough for my sense of humor -What now?- Let’s stick to simple questions. The simple answer was a digging motion performed using front legs- You’ve got to be kidding me.
The digging was comparable to digging in dry sand. The plywood boards were sliding down with ease, all I had to do is figure out the order, and the pink demon must have had a degree in demolitions because it knew exactly which one I should move next.
Even though the work was easy I still got really tired after just a few minutes and had to take a break because I got light headed. Not surprising, considering my head was lighter than usual. I did not manage to get much rest unfortunately, as my the patience of my companion has suddenly run out, she really wanted me to reach the bottom of this pile. Considering I was still in great shape compared to the way I felt in the morning I decided to just get it over with, I was not going to be able to really rest on this dusty floor regardless. So I got up, pulled out this particularly large tabletop and what did I see under it? A small wooden crate!
-Ok, you had all the right to be impatient- I said to the vicious predator, who attacked the crate as soon as it was revealed. Whoever made this crate Must have had OCD and no idea about carpentry. It must have been a beautiful thing at one point but for some reason they used raw wood planks for it and now it was all dried up, with visible cracks and and splinters. I already had some splinters in my bottom, why not get some in my hands! I tried to pull the crate out but it got jammed in there tight. So I started tugging on it, and it moved soon enough, but still too late to spare me the embarrassment of fainting from exertion.
I was brought back to the uncomfortable state of consciousness by something gently rubbing against my face repeatedly. I was uncomfortable due to something that felt like a table leg stabbing right into my kidneys. As I opened my eyes the other thing turned out to be the softest tongue in existence. The pink fluffy demonspawn was sitting on my chest and licking my face with dedication worthy of a better cause. I moaned loudly to let her know I’m awake but she just kept licking my face like it was her favourite flavour icicle. So I just pushed her off with my hands, and she fell over sideways as if she had no skeleton. What a lovely creature.
I picked myself up and started looking for the crate my interaction with was so rudely interrupted. It turned into a pile of deadly wooden darts and other things wooden planks fall apart into. My eyes widened when I saw what was inside it. Somebody’s hidden stash of FUN.
My day has just been made!
TLDR: I've almost left the blogs sidebar so had to post another one!
