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Hey TL. Been a while since I've blogged/been on TL in general, but I need advice and you guys generally cut to the point, even if you are a little disconnected from reality.
Anyway, I have been rejected by a girl (shocker) and I want help with getting over it. While I am becoming more confident and outgoing, my personality still has issues and I am still recovering from this goddamn chronic fatigue that never seems to go away. Basically, going out every night for a couple weeks doesn't seem like an option.
The other thing hindering me when it comes to this is that I find it extremely hard to articulate how exactly I feel about this as I keep trying to protect myself and my image of my self. Online its a little easier (Hence why I come here). In my friendship group at uni, that we are both are part of, nobody but us knows. A couple friends from years back that are outside the group know, but I really do not go into just how I feel about it.
Finally, I keep on going back to thinking about winning her back / what it would be like if we were together. While I try to avoid dwelling on such thoughts, I can't keep battering them down. Summer break is coming up and while I want to get out and do shit outside my comfort zone, I keep on going back to "Yeah, and think about how awesome she'll think i'll be once we meet again when school starts". Not exactly healthy.
Also on that note, I just want to awesome shit in general these hoildays. Due to my reclusive nature, I don't really get out much during hoildays and having finished my first year of uni, I think im missing out. So yeah, ideas for what I can do would be super.
TL;DR how do I stop being silly about teh ladies and how I do I have a kickass holidays?
 
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I'm going to address the second question that you put forth at the end of your post:
Imagine a guy who loves to be the center of attention, who goes out to party a lot, spends most of his time in the proximity of others and greatly enjoys socializing in general. Imagine him living in a society that keeps telling him that the only way for him to have a good life is in solitude reading books all day because they make him smart, reflective and are just good for him in general; reading books, engaging and even praticing art, heck just doing things on your own in general is, according to this imaginary society, the most (if not only) thing valuable in life and if you don't have that, you live an incomplete, shallow, terribly boring existence that this society would pity you for.
Imagine this guy in that imaginary society going on imaginary-TL, making a blog about how he would really like to make the best out of his upcoming holiday, despite his extroverted nature and love for parties. Imagine him confessing openly about his embarrassing preference for socializing, about how he doesn't feel comfortable spending more than an hour on his own, reading books or whatever, and imagine him asking for tips as to how to have a 'kickass holiday' for once, because all he's been doing so far was meeting new people at clubs or socializing.
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Kill your ego.
By this I mean the following:
what you think YOU want is actually what your EGO wants. YOU only wants to be happy, and it is in fact happy, yet the ego overshadows this much of the time with bullshit. In the moment that you laugh, where it gets out of control, the influence of your ego and the desire for what it wants is very small. This is a good thing!
Secondly, move to an area of abundance. If you live in little-village USA, and there are only ten girls there within two decades of your age, for hundreds of miles, you need to go somewhere else. Learning is tough with modern pickiness, unless there is abundance. Abundance provides the opportunity for growth through trial and error. Much like a lifetime. You need to live in a place where there is a sea of women ready to be chased. If you could see 100 women you would like to talk to just by looking down the street, do you really think you would care if one of them rejected you? Of course not!
There are so many women in this world. And there are really lots of hot ones too. Chin up, get out.
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Katowice25012 Posts
Hang out with your friends and ask out a lot of other girls and get rejected until you realize you don't care. Then one day you will talk to some woman and she will reject you and you will forget about it immediately, then the next time you see her you will be normal and she will be so surprised at how little investment you had in that interaction and she will try super hard to let you know she wants you to ask her out again.
Also don't refer to them as "teh ladies".
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Seems like you got hit hard. Pain is natural and useful for healing.
Don't look for another relationship just to get over your last one, if it happens naturally great.
Hang out with your friends, pick up a new hobby, maybe one where you meet new people, take a dance lesson for god`s sake, why don`t more people dance?
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Well at least you let her know about your feelings and didn't chicken out like a lot of other blogs, good stuff!
Its hard, once you get rejected like that there's not a lot you can do about it. Here are a couple of pointers, I kinda realised after writing them that they don't help your predicament that much, but hopefully they are of some help for next time.
1. Ignore her, delete her number and talk to other girls. Completely erase her from your mind, don't look at her facebook, etc. When you have options getting rejected is subconsciously much easier to deal with. Don't chat to other girls to "get her jealous" or anything like that, because she probably won't and you'll feel dumb. Do it because it keeps you occupied and makes you feel better.
2. Never get ahead of yourself. This is what causes you to feel down after rejection, you have so many expectations and bam, she doesn't even give you a chance! If you go in with no expectations then the impact is much less. Whenever you find yourself thinking about being a relationship, ignore it and think about something else, it doesn't help.
3. Try not to get invested and confide in her as little as you can.
The more you get invested the more rejection hurts, at the same time it makes it harder for you to progress forward because she gets scared of commitment. Its weird, but I found the less she knows you the easier it is to make progress. I find that girls will reject you for your negatives rather than accept you for your positives. An average guy with no faults often does better than a successful guy with lots of faults. (Unless she finds those faults to be particularly sexy)
Just be cool, don't tell her everything about yourself, let yourself be the blank canvas that she can paint her wildest fantasies on. Once she finds about all your vulnerabilities it gets really hard, try to talk to her when you're in tip top shape, not when you're depressed.
So you really should try to push as hard as you can before the ball gets rolling, yes it can often lead to failures, but the opposite doesn't get you anywhere. After you are close "in that way", then yes, confide in her by all means.
If you're anything like me who sucks at verbal interaction, opt for physical over verbal, stop "asking for permission" and just take her. Pick her up and spin her around, sweep her up and carry her to places, and be fun. When you see a couch, throw or push her onto the couch and then keep walking as if nothing happened or just go for it. Otherwise forget it, if you aren't making progress and you get emotionally attached, life will suck, you gotta take risks!
4. At least to me, dating is a skill. Did you win your first game of Starcraft? Just treat it like a game initially, you are going to "lose" a lot initially, but you will improve. It will also help you disconnect your emotions from your actions. After a while you will go full circle and use your emotions to your advantage, but in the beginning emotions do nothing but make life difficult.
A lot of people dislike this kind of thinking, but I think its bullshit because it gives false hope causing people to take rejection very personally. Its definitely an acquired skill, and just like anything else, some people are born with talent and some people aren't.
Also next time you want to ask out a girl.
Maintain consistency, never go half assed. I'm guessing you kind of dallied in-between being friends and trying to be more than that (correct me if I'm wrong)? Then one day you asked her out. In my experience this is the least effective way of doing things.
To her its completely random, and even if she might have said yes under normal circumstances its enough pressure for her to say no. Don't surprise her, make sure she knows exactly why your there. It works much better when she is expecting it, and then finally her wish comes true.
There's really only two ways of going about it, in my experience.
- You either go man-mode and be really upfront from the get go and be prepared to get your balls busted or sexy times.
- You gradually build up your relationship until you are in one without even knowing it.
Depending on the situation I will do either of them.
Make sure to have really good body language and excude a lot of confidence (even if you are shaking inside  ), it makes a huge difference. My bread and butter is really as simple as, walk straight up to her with a cheeky smile, arm out and say "hey!". Then just do the most boring small talk possible, "hows it going", maybe throw in one tangent if I notice something like "man look at that guy, what the hell is he doing? haha". Then end with "Anyway you seem really cool, wanna hang out?". Then make some vague plans like "Hey I'm checking out this sweet bar tomorrow its called XYZ, you keen?". Get her number/book whatever, "alright it was awesome to meet you, ill catch you later if not tomorrow", leave before you make a brain fart and ruin everything. Be really cool about it, use hand gestures, and make facial expressions, and be upbeat, especially when you get rejected, just be like "damn! that sucks! haha I think you're hot! anyway gotta go cya", then when she laughs, leave.
Also stop thinking, I know its hard, but its also very easy to do at the same time. Stand tall, face her, simple hand gesture, smile and a "hey!", chat and ask her out before your brain has time to consider all the consequences and make you all nervous. When you do it right, she will be amazed at how confident you are (even if you really aren't ). Though the more you do this, the easier it gets.
That said, asking a girl out is only the tip of the iceberg. I almost always get a number (like 99 out of 100 times), but the amount of times it has actually led to something is pretty much the inverse of that . I'm bad at relationships haha :<
Wow I wrote a lot, didn't mean for it to be this much, hopefully I was of some help
Also no ones ever completely right with these things so in classic hodge twins style, DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANNA DO!
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Dear fellow Australian,
The inconvenient thing about people is that you can't change how they feel. It's a terrible state of affairs and we've all been there. This isn't what you want to hear, but you can't win her back and there's no point in thinking about things that won't happen.
To help get over her:
* Delete her number.
* Delete/hide her from all forms of social media.
* Don't look at photos of her, get rid of everything that reminds you of her.
You'll fail at this initially.
But the failures will space out further and further until you no longer fail.
Now, about you, young man.
This is important.
Never place the responsibility of your happiness on another person.
You are a young, glorious human being.
You do not need to go out every night to be social or to find a lady who likes you for exactly who you are.
Don't try to be something you're not - chicks see through fake shit pretty easily generally, unless they're an idiot, and you don't want an idiot, because you deserve more than an idiot. You might want an idiot if they're hot, for awhile, but in the long-term, you'll get annoyed and bored.
How do you have a kickass holidays? Do shit for you. Do shit you enjoy. Go out with your mates - you don't have to go to DA CLERBZ, go drink coffee in the sun, go for road trips, go sit on the beach, go to movies, go to game arcades, go buy a bottle of rum and take a soccer ball to a park and shoot the shit. Don't be fuckin' afraid, go and enjoy the simple things in life.
Learning to like yourself and be happy with who you are is key, and is ultimately what will attract a lady to you.
Ain't nothin' more attractive than a dude who is happy and proud of who he is.
Chicks love that shit.
Trust me.
glhf
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Pandemona
Charlie Sheens House51430 Posts
On November 13 2013 20:55 Heyoka wrote:
Hang out with your friends and ask out a lot of other girls and get rejected until you realize you don't care. Then one day you will talk to some woman and she will reject you and you will forget about it immediately, then the next time you see her you will be normal and she will be so surprised at how little investment you had in that interaction and she will try super hard to let you know she wants you to ask her out again.
Also don't refer to them as "teh ladies".
Lol epic reply
My advice is pretty similar. You have to force yourself to move on, the only way to do this is to get back on the horse as it were and go find some more girls to chat up. Go to pub/club get a few alcoholic beverages into your system and start flirting with every female in the club, try your moves on them and see where it gets you.
Thats the advice i would give.
If a girl says no, a girl says no. They are a strange species and even if they wanted to change their mind (that 1 in 100 chance) they still don't change. Like some unwritten code, once their mind is made up you have no chance to change it!
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The mindset I have is....this "I want to be someone's first choice." You deserve that, we all do. As far as getting over her, do things that make you happy, its ok to feel sad and angry about being rejected, you are human. Hang out with friends, other people always help. And something that helped me is honestly develop a new crush even if its a impossible crush that won't ever happen. It will give you someone else to help you get over the first girl.
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Never understood how can one piss himself off so much because of a girl who rejects him. She doesn't want u. So why would u want her? =) I know, I know ... there r tons of ppl out there who would argue that statement and who would talk **** about "conquering women" and "being a real man" who always gets what he wants and bla bla bla. But i tell u - fck that. Why would u want to prove her anything? And what do u wanna prove? That u r better than u actually r? She doesnt want u to be around. That means she thinks u dont suit her/not her type etc. Let her go then. Everything should be mutual and come natural.
And i actually agree with the 2nd poster. Just be sincere with urself. Do YOU want to hang out 24/7 or is it the society that wants u to do that? I have only one ultimate advice for every single man: feel urself and be urself and THEY will accept u as u r. I know it's gonna be hard (almost impossible) for ppl with no personality and will who always tend to follow the majority. But this advice can actually work for those who just have little faith in themselves.
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Just work on it a bit, just like you said don't try to think about "what if" scenarios and the like and just wait a bit. When you approach 30 you won't care too much anymore, you are either about to enter (or are already in) a serious relationship or getting rejected is simply a part of the game, a little annoying but hardly the end of the world, like losing because of a failed Forcefield.
If you keep having issues like that, just drink here and there, there is nothing drugs couldn't solve
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Australia has awesome beach. I would go learn to windsurf. Or kitesurf. Or paraglide. So much cool stuff outdoors in your country.
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As others have said, if you want to overcome the feeling of rejection you should ask out a bunch of girls you're not emotionally invested in like the one you are now. You might get some rejections but you won't really care about those, but if you get some yesses you might be positively surprised, and not only that, it might make you realize there are other girls out there who might be more interesting than this THE ONE.
If you aren't feeling ballsy about asking girls out, then get a job as a volunteer for one of those animal charities or red cross or whatever that try and get donations on busy shopping streets. Getting rejected about 200x a day on the street by random strangers will make you not give 3 shits about rejection, and it will make you appreciate people who give you a chance more.
As for your holidays, you're in Australia, this is a place other people go to! So if you need ideas just google popular things to do in Australia and you'd be surprised about the things you haven't done in your own country. Personally my goal would be to get a pet Koala and visit Tasmania.
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Netherlands6175 Posts
Being rejected hurts. I am pretty sure almost everyone has been rejected a few times, if not in romance then at work, or school, or by 'friends'. It happens, and it sucks. But if you let it get to you it is going to start draining your confidence and you will get to the point where you become too scared to invest in anything. Try not to let this happen.
Being someone who tends to reject people as a result of similar insecurities, my advice would be to not take it too personally. Unless you did something silly to deserve the rejection or misinterpreted her interest in the first place, the fault likely isn't with you. If the former reasons is the case then you should look at yourself a bit more critically and break down the image of yourself that you are clinging to. you will need to look at yourself more objectively and work on what you perceive to be flaws.
As for the holiday thing, the first reply nailed it on the head pretty much. Do what you enjoy doing. What you feel will give you the most satisfaction. If it is surfing, do that. If it is blogging, do that. Escapism isn't a bad thing in a case like this.
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On November 13 2013 20:55 Heyoka wrote:
Hang out with your friends and ask out a lot of other girls and get rejected until you realize you don't care.
This.
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if u still like her then just do it all u want. dont expect anything so u wont be disappoint. if u wanna move on then at first stay away from her. cut everything. once ur body gets use to it then u dont have to avoid. be strong bro. anything goes
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Meh, it doesn't really matter what advice you hear, it always ends up the same way. You read a bunch of internet crap, you talk to your friends, you pysche yourself up and maybe take up some new hobbies. And then one day you're like, "Oh yeah, this feeling is the greatest, I barely ever think of her, I'm so glad I'm over her now."
And then some time passes and one day you think, "Wow I can't believe how naive I was before, thinking that I was actually over her, what I'm feeling now, this is what it truly means to be over her. I'm so cool with the situation now."
And then that cycle will continue until one day someone will mention her name, or where she used to work, and you'll realize that you haven't actually given her any thought for quite a while. And then that will make you a little sad and for a brief moment you'll reflect, and then you'll just get on with your life as normal.
The length of the cycle, and the frequency just depends on how deep the relationship was and how long it lasted. In your case you should be good to go in a week or two. Don't sweat it.
Whatever you do, don't browse her facebook page while listening to Radiohead.
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Get on tinder and find some chicks, dats where it's at. Gtg nope or like be back soon
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4713 Posts
Well, this is 3 days late so, I hope it still is of help to you.
First thing I'd recommend is actually sorting your fatigue issues. I have a feeling it might be your sleeping patterns, at least you hinted at it. Make a good 8 hour sleeping schedule and stick to it until you find that the issue goes away. The fatigue could also be due to eating or disease. If its sickness I'd suggest visiting a doctor, if its eating problems I suggest a more balanced diet, less sodas, more fruit. If you find you have insomnia issues, post here and I'll get back to you in a PM with a little technique I used to get rid of it.
The reason I put so much emphasis on the fatigue part, particularly sleep. Is because I've felt that, if I get a bad start to my day, it can carry over trough the rest of it. Also if you aren't very rested and feel miserable you'll inevitably share that feeling and it will make others feel less comfortable. Its hard to project an outward, confident feel if you are drained and are just using every bit of it to stay normal.
Now after you solve your fatigue issues, I'd suggest working out.
There is nothing that builds more confidence then working out and seeing the results. Again, be consistent, make a schedule and stick to it, the first month might be tough as your body gets used to it, after that you'll start to feel wonderful, you'll feel how it gets easier and easier every time, and that sense of wonder, and joy will turn into bliss before you know it. The magic of seeing yourself transform in time is just too good, it also has a nice side effect of attracting immediate, positive attention on to yourself, which will, again build more confidence.
Lastly working out has the benefit of shifting your mind away from your other troubles, at least for a bit.
What I advise you don't do, is make changes for the sake of impressing others. Before anyone can love you, you should love yourself. Don't start working out because it impresses others, work out because you want to feel better.
Right now, you are probably in that difficult zone, where you are turning the situation in your head, every which way, trying to figure out what you could have done differently and what is it you could change about yourself that would lead to a different result. The bolded part is the trap, because you are thinking of changing because of someone else and not yourself, and we all probably fell into this trap at one point.
What you need to do now, and I realize its the most difficult thing in the world for you, is remind yourself what it is about yourself that is awesome, anything, just remember it, write it down. And take some time each day to remind yourself how awesome you are, build up your confidence. Remember that not all of us succeed at first, we all had failures, but we didn't give up, so you shouldn't either, it is human and natural to fail and to be rejected. Make peace with that, learn from it and use it as fuel for your confidence.
TLDR: Fix your fatigue issues. Do things that make you happy and things that you like, start working out. Make peace with yourself, remind yourself of what qualities you have, what it is that makes you awesome and use them to build confidence. Love yourself and allow your confidence to carry you trough the situation.
Hope it helps.
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EPT
