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Hey guys, pretty down right now.
I'm not even gonna bother formatting this one. I'm fucking sad, honestly. I honestly now know that I've made some seriously terrible decisions as of late that have most likely shaped the next 4-6 years of my life for better or worse; depending on how I shape myself, my life could either be god awful or absolutely fantastic.
My girlfriend of almost 2 years now just told me she wanted to take a break from me to figure things out. She asked for a week. I gave her a week. I remember the last time I made a blog about a time when we took a break from each other, and it seems like my relationship is fucking doomed. I'm not going to write another blog like the last one. I could. Don't doubt that. I don't see the point in doing that, though. I honestly don't see the point in most things. I remember when we did this the first time, it was because at the root of everything, she was afraid of me going to college, she put that fear into an overly-rationalized ideal set and super-imposed that on a guy completely unlike me. That month was hell. We pulled out though, 10 hours into her break, she called me crying, telling me she'd never leave me and the break was a terrible decision. Today she told me she didn't know if she loved me anymore.
This time it seems she's done it because she and I haven't adapted to college. She was kind of being rude to me for a while, she didn't seem interested in our conversations, she didn't seem herself. She texted me this morning about whether or not I loved her, whether or not I wanted us to be together, whether or not I thought we could make it, whether or not I thought I wanted to marry her. I don't even. I just fucking don't. I don't understand this anymore. I guess I'm a relationship neophyte considering I can't even string together a competent response to the attacks my brain is sending at my emotions. My brain is angry, it's very, very angry. My emotions, they are more like omnipresent sadness ladled into a jar. I can break the anger, or I can break the jar. It's one of the two at this point.
I had a talk with my roommate and my suitemates, they all said a variant of, "Your young, this is an opportunity, don't let your life be chosen by a girl, this lets you be free, it's a blessing in disguise, hell if I know what to tell you." I chose this place in part because of the girl. She was close, proximity wise. My stomach is turning as I write this. I could have chosen Miami, made my father happy, made my Grandmas unhappy and made my gf unhappy, while spending about twice as much money on college to be surrounded by gorgeous latinas and white girls in a situation that reeks of sexual misadventures in cocaine smeared nightclub bars, knowing that my relationship would crumble due to the long distance and the workloads of college and my old highschool (one that makes the students do a significant amount of busy work). I made the choice to make my relationship work, I made the choice to prolong the relationship I've enjoyed. I've been so entrenched in this relationship that I have no idea what to do with myself anymore. I don't know how to flirt anymore, how to cut loose, I don't know what to do as a man-card-carrying man.
My girlfriend told me that I should act like I'm single. She gave me a hall-pass. That scares the shit out of me. I feel like right now she's done this either to let me have a week of pure college ecstasy (which isn't gonna happen since I go to a small school where most everyone has seen each other at least 2 times by the end of the semester) or because she wants to make out with another guy for a week on her school trip. I just have no idea. She told me she'll talk to me in a week, but she added a heart sign at the end. I don't know what to fucking think. First thing I did was open up pornhub because that's taboo for me, I already blogged about that, and I knew it wasn't gonna make me feel anything but worse; spoiler alert, it did. I could go hook up with some girl, but then I'd feel like an absolute ass if my girlfriend came back to me - I don't like playing with people, I don't like games - which at this point I hope is the case.
I'm not talking to her for a week, I'm gonna let her do her thing. I'm just gonna let it be. Honestly, I'm in such a huge rut where everywhere I turn I see her name, her face, her loving eyes, her beautiful backside, and her flowing blonde/brown hair. I see her mannerisms, I see her in everything and it's driving me crazy. This isn't like a normal breakup. A normal breakup for me is get sad for a month, have a crying fit, move on, profit; this is the failure of my love to conquer and adapt. This is the failure of an evolution that I needed to make. I don't even know what the fuck to do at this point. I don't know whether or not I want to be tied down to a girl that tells me she wants to take a break from me via text after asking me for a ring not a month earlier. It was a promise ring ask, not a wedding ring, don't freak out. This girl drives me crazy; in love and out it seems.
Before I end this, I want to be very clear that this is a break, not a break-up. She's getting her mind straight, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some reservations about our relationship, though mine weren't so big; those reservations had to do with her being rude to me and seeming not into me recently, but now I understand why. I'm going to leave you guys with a quote by Hillel the Elder, "Don't trust yourself until the day you die." With that, I leave my life, my love, and whatever is left of the shreds of my conscious ability to make shitty, love-goggle covered decisions, to the powers that be.
I'm posting this tomorrow, for anyone who reads this, this happened yesterday. I'll update all this stuff as it goes along. I'm sorry about this, I try not to make girl blogs anymore because mine are never great and hilarious, they are usually pretty sad or depressing, but I guess things happen. Hopefully for a reason, because fate sucks the D.
+ Show Spoiler [the day after pill] +So yeah, I just woke up and today is the 27th. I wrote this on the 26th around midnight. This essay is filled with a lack of self-esteem, a surplus of love in tatters, and a healthy amount of unsurity. I'll find out in 6 days what she wants. If she wants to get back together, I have to figure it out for myself if I want to take her back. I'm going to figure it all out and do some thinking. My head is a lot clearer right now. Thanks for reading guys.
  
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breaks are dumb kiddie stuff for people who already have one foot out the door but are too afraid to end it. what relationship problems get fixed by not talking for a few weeks or months??
Sucks, but you will be much better off cutting all ties now than stringing this along for a few more months and then ending it. Go enjoy college as a single dude. It's way better that way.
plus side, if you end it now cleanly, no bs, no drama and cut contact for a while, you might be friends down the line. The more you string it along, the more you increase the chances of a full nuclear explosion when it goes south. when you break that tie, dont be picking up the inevitable call that youll get in a few weeks or in a month or two. dont do the same to her
sorry dude, gl
On August 27 2013 23:54 docvoc wrote:
I don't even know what the fuck to do at this point. I don't know whether or not I want to be tied down to a girl that tells me she wants to take a break from me via text after asking me for a ring not a month earlier
you're a smart dude and you know the answer here. what would you tell anyone else in this situation?
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Hong Kong9145 Posts
My name is itsjustatank and I approve Hawk's message.
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I'm pretty sure plenty of people told you this was going to happen to 99% of highschool to college relationship transitions and betting to be the exception was... Unlikely.
Move on, meet as many new people - as friends, classmates, gfs - and keep your eye on the goal: a degree to get or create a future for docvoc jr.
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United Kingdom14103 Posts
Best of luck for it, listen to Hawk's side though, I know I made that mistake and it fucking hurt.
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I know Hawk has great advice, but this relationship has been amazing up till now. I can't help but want to continue it despite having great options at the school I'm at now. I can't tell if she's done this just to give me a hall pass and be an understanding gf or if she's doing this because she doesn't want to come back. I'm stuck here waiting and I can't tell what I want out of this anymore. I can't tell if this is the girl fate had me stay with when all those colleges I could have gone to didn't give me the same amount of scholarship money so that going to the one nearest her was easiest, I can't tell if this is me and her growing apart only to get back together later, and I can't tell if this is the end of a romance that typified the best part of my life during the dreariest part of my life. I'm so at a loss right now. This girl is wired into my neurological pathways. Everything I do, everything I am has been hardwired to be a part of this coupling. I'm not even close to the same kind of guy I used to be, I'm not even close to who I would have chosen to be me now a long time ago had I never experienced that relationship. Wtf.
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Again, how amazing could it be if in the span of a month she went from wanting a promise ring to taking a break through text with her bf of 2 years?? I, and others, have been down this road before: You don't fix relationship problems by not talking. You also don't grow into your awesome future self by slogging through a dying, immature relationship with someone who treats you like that. Someone wants a break, you tell them you don't need to waste time with immature people, see ya later
this is real standard first serious relationship stuff, sprinkled with a little bit of codependency on your end, judging from the last few sentences. Go get drunk, cry in your beer, bitch to friends for a day or two and tell her in no uncertain terms that you don't wanna do this any more, and that you wanna have your own space until you're ready to talk again. Boom, done. You'll come back in six months and die laughing at how much your perspective has changed. Neither of you are bad people or anything. Just standard first relationship shit. I was all mopey and shit when my hs gf dumped me just before college (clean, thank god, not any break shit). It was the best damn thing that coulda happened in retrospect.
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Yep, another +1 to Hawk's advice here.
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Women are so strange and you can't figure out what they have in their minds. In this situation I think that there are two different things that you can do, in generall (they are so much different at all).
1: You want her and probably she wants you too
If both of you wanted to be together for a long time (a lifetime maybe?) before a month or so, then you should call her now and tell her all those things (about her behavior) and ask her what she really wants. Tell her that you want her and that you will try your best to make your relationship work but only if she want to be with you. Tell her that you chose to go college close to her and you would like to be together. The hard part is to make her tell you what she wants. Don't be dramatic (in your conversation) and don't make her think of staying with you because you made all those things for her; It won't work on the long run. Just show her what you made so far and what you want to make in the future for your relationship, and after that tell her that you will leave her to think about that and answer you when she feels ready.
2: You want her and she might don't want you
You wrote that:
She was kind of being rude to me for a while, she didn't seem interested in our conversations, she didn't seem herself. But if she was normal with her friends etc. then this should really worry you a little bit that she might want to break up with you. But again, women are strange and some times they act like that without a reason (or not a reason that you can understand). In that case maybe it is better to let her for a week, and maybe not call her (even if two weeks pass), and act like you are single (that doesn't mean that you should flirt with other girls if you don't fell good with it; just don't mention your gf in conversations with people other than your really close friends).
If she call you and she mentions that you didn't call her, tell her that yoy wanted to give her enought time to think about your relationship and what she really wanted because you don't want to pressure her to be in relationship with you if she doesn't wanted to.
I think that is better to call her and explain her the situation, as in option 1, and then don't call her untill she calls you and tell her what I said.
Disclaimer: In any case that is what I think about the situation, and what your actions should be, by reading only that post you made. I don't know you (nor your gf), and thus you should treat what as said as "generall information". The best thing you can do is to talk with a friend of your (or more) that knows the girl too - maybe your best friend, not a random "friend" or a common friend - and ask what he thinks.
Any way, if you think that this girl desserves it and that she is special, you should try your best. Otherwise, the world is full of women. The hard part is to find out a girl that is special for you.
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On August 28 2013 00:56 QuanticHawk wrote:
Again, how amazing could it be if in the span of a month she went from wanting a promise ring to taking a break through text with her bf of 2 years?? I, and others, have been down this road before: You don't fix relationship problems by not talking. You also don't grow into your awesome future self by slogging through a dying, immature relationship with someone who treats you like that. Someone wants a break, you tell them you don't need to waste time with immature people, see ya later
this is real standard first serious relationship stuff, sprinkled with a little bit of codependency on your end, judging from the last few sentences. Go get drunk, cry in your beer, bitch to friends for a day or two and tell her in no uncertain terms that you don't wanna do this any more, and that you wanna have your own space until you're ready to talk again. Boom, done. You'll come back in six months and die laughing at how much your perspective has changed. Neither of you are bad people or anything. Just standard first relationship shit. I was all mopey and shit when my hs gf dumped me just before college (clean, thank god, not any break shit). It was the best damn thing that coulda happened in retrospect.
Fuck me. Your advice is so solid, but my heart isn't nearly so. I just want her so bad. I feel so alone like this. I just don't know anymore. I'm taking the week to think about it. You give strong advice though, and I know it's good advice Hawk; it's more than convincing at this point.
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1001 YEARS KESPAJAIL22272 Posts
Do you want her or do you love her?
Do you want/love her because of her or are you just afraid to be alone? The way you wrote out your blog it seems more like you're concerned about your feelings than the relationship itself. The way you describe things it seems like you have idealized the relationship to the point that you are unable to see what has brought about this problem in the first place. That's another big problem that you have to address, because not seeing a problem is way fucking worse than having a problem in the first place.
Breaks are useless. Talk about your problems. Don't run from them. Why are you having difficulties as a couple? Why has she been so cold to you? Have you been doing something wrong? Have you been inadequate in any part of the relationship? Yes talking about it is hard and likely painful, but avoiding productive conflict will either just keep you trapped in a stagnant relationship or have things end badly. If you can't find a way to 'upgrade' your relationship--not just FIX, but to improve it (in most cases, improve communication of problems and relationship concerns), and not just patch up or use stopgaps--I don't see a point in staying together as a couple.
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End the relationship now.
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I feel like you both need to figure out what you want to do with your lives. Doing it as a couple is tough because you both gotta give up stuff. Maybe she is trying to figure out this stuff and how committed you are to her. To base her decsion on that. Just be honest with yourself in the long run if its meant to be it will be. At least I tell myself this.
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On August 28 2013 01:31 lichter wrote:
Do you want her or do you love her?
Do you want/love her because of her or are you just afraid to be alone? The way you wrote out your blog it seems more like you're concerned about your feelings than the relationship itself. The way you describe things it seems like you have idealized the relationship to the point that you are unable to see what has brought about this problem in the first place. That's another big problem that you have to address, because not seeing a problem is way fucking worse than having a problem in the first place.
Breaks are useless. Talk about your problems. Don't run from them. Why are you having difficulties as a couple? Why has she been so cold to you? Have you been doing something wrong? Have you been inadequate in any part of the relationship? Yes talking about it is hard and likely painful, but avoiding productive conflict will either just keep you trapped in a stagnant relationship or have things end badly. If you can't find a way to 'upgrade' your relationship--not just FIX, but to improve it (in most cases, improve communication of problems and relationship concerns), and not just patch up or use stopgaps--I don't see a point in staying together as a couple.
To answer your questions:
1. I love her. It isn't like I want to possess her, that isn't what's going on in my head. It's not about wanting as much as it is loss of something I've cherished for a long time.
2. The blog is going to be idealized. This was my first reaction to the "break." This is a raw, unapologetic version of my thoughts. It isn't the truth, in it's whole. I realize there are parts of my relationship that aren't perfect. The day after, I realize that what I have isn't perfect, and it's not supposed to be. This girl I have, she's important to me, the girl I just lost a day ago, she's still just as important to me. She's still the girl that in 6 days time I hope to have call me telling me she'd like to stay together with me, even though I don't know what to tell her back.
3. Breaks are useless, but it's a glorified way of taking time off to think about it all. It's cooling the head, and taming the heart more than wanting to go on and be afraid to talk. I haven't done anything wrong, at least I don't think. I do know that life changes and some parts of happiness become sacrificial in that kind of rite. Improving is hard, but not impossible. Every time someting shitty has happened in our relationship, we've moved passed it and grown closer, though right now I'm not so sure of myself; the only thing I'm sure of is that in 7 days I'll either be crying into a glass of coka-cola or crying into my textbook.
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I can't think of anything to say.
"and many nights endure
without a moon without a star
so will we endure
when one is gone and far
true love leaves no traces
if you and i are one
it's lost in our embraces
like stars against the sun"
L. Cohen
edit what i mean is like...listen to the song. If it's true it is natural love it won't hurt you because it is so subtle and beautiful
edit 2- i'm almost certain i helped no one by posting this. I had fun though 
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Should just ask for emo playlists to listen to. That's all my freshman roommate did for two weeks.
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+ Show Spoiler +Not that you necessarily care about my life, but
Her advice would probably be if you don't want to spend the rest of your life with this girl, you need to move on so you can find the girl you do want to spend your life with. My advice would be if you think being with her will make you happy then try to make it work if she'll let you. If she won't I'm sorry, although I was in a similar place when I started college and it's not quite as bad as you'd think – the new environment and new people help you move on.
Either way, sorry man, and good luck.
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Seems every blog is just something horrible happening to you. And if everything else is that shitty you two can't work together?
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The girl is a dumbass. But she loves him very much. Mature love is terrifying for her.It feels so different and it is scary. She hates change, but loves the boy. And she will learn to adapt. She's young and "Wild N' Reckless," (like her favorite icecream flavor) and doesn't know how to hold on. She doesn't know how to be 100% honest, or how to stay 100% committed. But she loves the boy enough to keep on trying, even though she knows failure is possible. He is hers. She doesn't want it any other way. (No matter how often it may seem the opposite to blog readers and to her.) She read this blog during the break. She thought about this boy during the break. She missed this boy. She loves this boy.
With much love,
The girl.
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EPT
