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School just started 3 weeks ago and during the holidays in June I didn't manage to do what I had to do. What I had to do was revise for my national exams which are in November. I knew I had to study, but I didn't. I spent my time laying on my bed because I felt like I couldn't move, and I spent my time listening to the music I used to like but I only felt like crying afterwards. I don't know, it might just be a thing teenagers do or whatever.
When school did start, I couldn't submit the holiday homework which I was supposed to do, but that wasn't too much of a problem because the deadline was extended to the next week for everybody. I just spent the week sitting around. I tried to do a little revision and complete my work, and I did end up finishing my work. My teachers appreciated that. Last Tuesday I went to talk to my English teacher whom I'm pretty close to. I apologized for handing in my work later than the rest of the students, and told her that I meant no disrespect, I just had some problems that I was dealing with. She asked if it was because I had problems with time management or anything like that, and I told her it wasn't. She then said that had something urgent to attend to, and told me to talk to her on Thursday morning.
On Thursday morning I went to see her. I first told her that I'd get really high highs and really low lows, then she asked if I was bipolar. I assured her that I wasn't. I went on to tell her how I think (since I've never seen a psychologist or anybody like that) I've been suffering from depression since last year. I said that I had frequent suicidal thoughts, that I sometimes felt paralyzed, and that I'd feel like crying for no reason sometimes. She didn't over-react, and simply said some stuff about how she was going to try and help me but she first had to ask around because she didn't know how to handle a case like mine. My English teacher ended up suggesting that I go for counseling, but I first had to inform my parents about it.
I wasn't comfortable with the idea because like most teens, I don't have a very good relationship with them. Besides, I didn't like how my dad would look down at me because I wasn't scoring too well for the Sciences and Mathematics. He especially didn't like how I wanted to be an English teacher or go to University to study liberal arts. My dad reluctantly gives me money to buy the stationary I need, so I sometimes have to skip lunch if my pens ran out of ink or if I ran out of paper to use for school. I also use my own money to buy books that I want to read because he thinks that the time I spend on reading books is wasted time.
I told my teacher all of this.
She ended up saying that she understood everything, and that she'd talk to the school counselor about how to best handle people like me. It meant that she was going to be my own psychologist. This all happened on Thursday afternoon, and my History teacher actually sent me a text later that day asking me if there was anything wrong because I was looking very tired lately. She also mentioned how I seemed off my game. I didn't even know I had a "game". I just told her that my English teacher was helping me with some problems.
At this point I was starting to feel really bad and I just wanted to sit around and do nothing. I was going to the toilet last Saturday when my dad asked me a question before I could. I closed the toilet door, turned on the lights, and said,"There's someone inside." before going to him. I could tell that he immediately started freaking out because he started bombarding me with questions about whether I really thought that there was somebody inside and why I said there was. I said I didn't know why I said it because I really didn't know. I don't know why I did that, it just slipped out.
Anyway, this Monday my History teacher came up to me and asked me what was wrong. I trusted her because I thought she was pretty cool, so I told her that I had depression. She didn't have time to talk to me after I told her though, because class was starting. Anyway, she was pretty relaxed about it too, all she did was occasionally check up on me during class to ask me if I was okay.
However, on Thursday when I got back from school my father wanted to talk to me. He said that my form-teacher/teacher in charge of my class called him and told him that I was behaving differently in school and that I seemed "out of sorts". At this point I was getting nervous, but he went on to say that my History teacher was the one who told my form-teacher these things. He wanted to know what I told my History teacher, but the whole time I just tried to avoid answering his questions. I got pretty mad because my teacher went around my back. My father then went on to say that he supports me and some other stuff, but then got angry when I refused to tell him what it was that I told my History teacher. I think he's just trying to get me to say it myself. I tried to avoid it, and he said that I'd better tell him or he's going to get angry and force me to tell him. I just said that he should know that whatever he's doing is exacerbating the problem and that I'm not going to be threatened by violence and anger. I walked away after that, saying that I didn't want to talk anymore.
Later on in the night where he's calmed down he came into my room to say that he and his mother used to frequently get migraines that I usually did (this came out of nowhere), and then said that maybe I should get scanned for a brain tumor because I was going to die. That really come out of the blue, so I just brushed it away. He must've thought that was pretty funny. He then asked me if I still remembered when I told him about the morbid thoughts that I was having like how I planned to kill my mother and myself afterwards a couple of years ago. I did remember it, I remember it very clearly and it shocks me that I used to think about those things. When I told him about it I remember asking for him to send me to a child psychologist, but he just laughed at me and said I didn't need it because I was just being a teenager trying to be different. So, he asked me about it and then asked if I wanted to see a psychologist now.
Fuck that. I told him that I didn't want to and he went away. This is some bullshit because it's like everybody is trying to get me labelled as a crazy-person and put me on pills. It's like they're all just scheming to get me. It feels like my teachers are just trying to get me to become "better" so they can shelve me and feel proud about themselves for "helping" me, it's like I'm some sort of fucking trophy that they can display because they helped a student or whatever. I know what I'm feeling is stupid, but I can't help it.
Yesterday I went to talk to my English teacher about it and I think I raised my voice at her, I can't possibly know how I was speaking because I was upset. She tried to explain how my History teacher was only did what she did because she cared about me, and that from what I told her about what my dad said, he probably wasn't told that I said I had depression. She tried to reassure me that they would stand to gain nothing from "getting me" and that I should try and not let my emotions get in the way of logic. I said sorry to her when she had to leave.
I don't know what's happening now, and I hope that my father doesn't know what it was that I said to my History teacher. The cat might be out of the bag though, because when we were talking on Thursday I told him that I don't tell him everything because I trust my teachers more than I trust him. I'm annoyed by all of this and angry that it's happening. I can't properly prepare myself for the exams in November and if I don't do well for that, I'll have nowhere to go.
 
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A couple things about depression: suicide is pointless because you'll get to know what dying is like eventually anyways, might as well see what life is like as long as you can. Also, in my experience, so far, there's getting depression to go away, just ups and downs, like you said you are having, and you just have to learn to deal with it and with it.*
Also, just out of curiosity what country do you live in?
*It might be possible to make depression go away more permanently using anti-depressant drugs, but I've never tried and don't want to.
And if ever want to talk about depression or other stuff feel free to pm me.
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SSRIs and other prescription treatments helped me immensely. Once you can accept defeat, you can win the fight against "depression" or a malnourishment of serotonin and dopamine into your neurophysiology. Treatment includes individual therapy (I've done group and individual) and prescription medicine.
You wouldn't stigmatize cancer victims negatively, would you? So why negatively stereotype individuals with depression.
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I'm happy for your sake that you're addressing these issues in your teens (I presume) and not let it crush you in your young-adulthood like myself. I was 23 years old when I begun scripts to alleviate my feelings of anxiety, dread, impending failure, malaise, and doubt. I let my condition crush my financial well-being, my social life, and my academic pursuits.
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I knew I had something in common with you, but after reading this I see my own teenage-hood reflected. Around 17 or 18 my parents (father in particular) was pressing fairly hard to get all the tests done, if you will. Trying to figure out what was 'wrong'. My mother is still convinced that that particular school wasn't a good fit (well, she's partially right -- no school or institution is a good fit for me). I hated it and I hated how everyone was forcing me to do things clearly in their own interest. Teachers were ironically the ones who stayed off my case, but I was lucky at getting fairly liberal mentors and to be engaged in Shakespeare and literature (as best a boy with a reading impediment can). With careful slight of hand, my sister played her part quietly. At times she'd annoy me and I'd swear at her when she told me to do things. But she sympathized with the struggle for independence and opened me up to alternatives.
Sometime during all this I decided I would do things only for myself. I would be nice not for their sake, but for mine. I would finish high school because it meant I'd have some chance at something later. I would finish university because I always assumed I was intelligent enough to learn anything there, but had to be sure I could stand the true test. I took to opportunism and made the most of any help my parents gave, as much as I hated it and bore it with grinding teeth. To this day the feeling still lays in the background.
We live in radically different cultures, but perhaps the point of this is that, well, to forget about the noise of your father and mother and teachers, and get sucked into something that makes you passionate and constructive. Pretty soon those people will let you on your own anyways, and you'll only have yourself for guidance. Heck you might even miss it (probably not :s ). At any rate I assume you'd much rather do something important with your life than follow someone else's plan. Teenage life will always be harrowing, but the point of any strife is to see how you fare, and how you act, and how you come out in the end.
I've been through 4 or 5 years of therapy now, and it can be fun to use someone else's time for whatever the fuck you want (on the account of someone else's money of course). My school offers free councelling and I had the 'fuck that' attitude. I didn't want some cushy, soggy-minded, sappy middle aged woman to sympathize with. However in the spirit of just giving things a chance for its own sake and for the sake of having new experiences, I went and saw her. I can't remember much except it was just like I expected. There were times when I just wanted to cancel the appointment for whatever reason (just feeling like brooding to myself and not 'expanding') and I had to bear the "hmm"s and the "well that must've been [insert emotion]", and my all-time favourite, "and how did that make you feel?", with which I still parody to my mother to get a laugh out of her. Well, (at any rate), there were indeed the times when I felt complete isolation and desperation and would give anything just to have someone there with me, like a kindred spirit, like a brother. I never found anything like that but at least I had some lame-o councilor that was willing to work with me and endure my terrible jokes. I guess I took solace in living in irony.
What's the risk of your father knowing you're depressed?
Your teachers probably just think of you as a cute but troubled kid, and that usually gets real concern from women (turns on the mothering instincts). They probably don't know who your father is or what he's like, so they were uninhibited to contacting others for help. (I think they just ask around because they only have one perspective and one class with you).
I don't know if any of this is connecting to reality, but I hope things get better.
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It sounds like you fear bring judged by people who know the real you.
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Sounds to me like you really do need help like you write in the topic title... so why the hell would you say you DON'T want to go to a psychologist like your father suggested? It sounds like a great idea.
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go to a psychologist/whatever. being able to talk about things can help, and can help you clarify what the problems are and come to terms with them.
success at school is vital to make sure you aren't miserable as sin in 5 years time cleaning toilets like yours truely
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the second you have suicidal thoughts, you should get your butt to therapy
your dad sounds like a mish mash between 1950s all american dad and asian tiger dad, where anything can be fixed with a little elbow grease and effort, psychology is bullshit, and if youre failing it is because youre not trying hard
i sincerely doubt your teachers are bringing it up to feel like heroes or soemthing. they got into that field to help kids succeed and part of that is indentifying stuff like this. people dont wanna label you as crazy, and depending on what it is that ails you, there are other options to pills (therapy, google CBT, etc)
you wont know til you go though
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Azera, stay tough brother 
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In my personal experience, existentialism is the best remedy for depression, and I say that with an authority that comes from having a family full of mental problems and my knowing that you are a literary fellow. Have you read much Camus?
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I have no idea which country you are from and how does health care work, wherever you live, but if you can go to see a psychiatrist, do it. I was all but sceptical to "freak dcotors" until my wife (then girlfriend) got serious depression 10 years ago. I had physically drag here there (she was a pretty bad case, to the point of being unable of normal function in society, including sometimes even leaving her house or talking to anyone) and it helped immensely. From what you have written, you don't seem to be an extremely urgent case, but some of your symptoms (such as such lying around, not being able to get yourself together and do something and others) are pretty tell-tale and I believe you could benefit both from counseling and proper medicaiton (with emphasis on proper - the pills that are suppose to "calm you down" and help with anxiety or whatever are useless and potentially counter-prodcutive, but anti-depressants are a pretty cool invention).
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On July 21 2013 04:50 opisska wrote:
I have no idea which country you are from and how does health care work, wherever you live, but if you can go to see a psychiatrist, do it. I was all but sceptical to "freak dcotors" until my wife (then girlfriend) got serious depression 10 years ago. I had physically drag here there (she was a pretty bad case, to the point of being unable of normal function in society, including sometimes even leaving her house or talking to anyone) and it helped immensely. From what you have written, you don't seem to be an extremely urgent case, but some of your symptoms (such as such lying around, not being able to get yourself together and do something and others) are pretty tell-tale and I believe you could benefit both from counseling and proper medicaiton (with emphasis on proper - the pills that are suppose to "calm you down" and help with anxiety or whatever are useless and potentially counter-prodcutive, but anti-depressants are a pretty cool invention).
Celexa can have a sedating effect, and Amitriptyline is even worse for staying alert and awake for 10-14 hours. Bupropion is an atypical antidepressant that is a stimulant rather than an SSRI.
The diversity of script treatments can be troublesome. I have major depression, and have experienced some several moderate side effects. I've been unable to work for almost 3 months on my current care plan, but I have high blood pressure and experienced a transient ischemic attack which sent me to the hospital during the same time, and I'm in recovery while still dealing with my major depression as well.
Basically I can say prescription drugs are very effective and have unavoidable side effects. After two weeks on a SSRI you will be unable to feel depressed. Your bipolar mental states will be specifically addressed and treated accordingly.
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Stay strong and keep on truckin Az, keep us posted if anything major comes up. Wish I had advice for you but all I can say is hang in there.
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Do CBT before you take ssris.
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1. Talk to a psychologist, you aren't crazy for talking to one.
I've talked to a couple when my life got harder than usual, and they helped me get through bad times during school when it seemed like everyone was out to get me (in truth, I wasn't that far off it turned out). It helps to just let everything out. Your thoughts are what they want to hear, and don't worry, whatever you say is in confidence. They can be useful or useless, it's about finding the right one.
2. I went through the same kind of depression you're going through. Don't misunderstand me, I didn't go through what you are now, what I'm saying is that I had a clinical depression that came on when I was about your age. I wasn't actually ever diagnosed, and I agree that what I had, though it passed all the necessary points for clinical depression, was not a clinical depression (I was at a psychologist and he asked me if I thought I was clinically depressed, he said he didn't think I was and that I was in a rut, I pretty much knew he was right and agreed). I did a lot of soul-searching to find out what I truly was unhappy about. I found a lot of shit that I had to work through, and most of all I found a lot of stuff I couldn't work through and had to accept as part of me; most of this was my slow puberty/body growth, parts of what I dislike about my personality that I could tone down, but never truly get rid of, etc. I also realized that I needed to find things I enjoyed and find friends/signifcant others to share my happiness with. Happiness can be lonely after all.
3. You figure out the fight you are about to begin. You need to find out what your assets are and what your enemies are. If you need pills to help you continue the fight, so be it, that makes you like just about every other teen I know is like. I personally chose to accept the hormonal swings I was (and still experience) going through and attempt to chill my personality down when I could control it. I still have some outburts when I don't think before I act, but meh. The key is to analyze what you need. If you are suicidal and cannot combat those feelings, drugs are going to help you until you no longer need them; if you need them throughout life to stay in tip-top shape, then so be it, no biggie outside their cost. I personally do not recommend pills though; this isn't because they aren't effective, but because they have serious side-effects and are potentially addictive, both of which can be an issue. The other reason I don't suggest jumping straight to pills without consulting a psychiatrist is because of the psychological dependency that can emerge, an unhealthy mental feeling of losing one's "safety-blanket" of sorts.
4. You are normal bud. Everyone gets like this. You are experiencing normal feelings, and you need to endure it all and work towards feeling better. You have to weather the storm, this won't be your last, it won't be your worst. We love you dude, TL is here for you  .
Take everything I say with a grain of salt, its all anecdotal. I've taken some coursework in psychology, but that by no means makes me an expert. Go to a psychiatrist or a psychologist ASAP to get working on this .
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Hey all, thanks for the advice. Sorry that I can't reply to all of you and that I replied a little late. I needed to take some time to digest everything.
Right now I'm feeling pretty good, I don't know why though. I woke up today and felt awesome. I enjoyed myself in school today and everybody said that I was back to my regular self, so that was good. Some of you guys mentioned that depression is just some problem with the chemicals in my brain, and I thought that was an excellent way of looking at things. I realized that even if I can't do anything about how I feel, I can still choose how I want to react to emotions.
At this time I'm choosing to be wide-eyed and curious because I like learning about things. Learning takes my mind off things. I don't mean learning about things as reading some dumb book called "1000 COOL FACTS" or anything like that, but learning as in paying close attention during History or Science class. Learning is pretty cool, guys.
I don't plan to see a psychologist because I feel that it's a battle I want to fight myself. I'll be talking to my English teacher on Thursday, I don't know what it'll be about though. I'll let you guys know what's up, thanks for your concern guys.
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EPT
