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So my life is generally pretty good. I have a very beautiful and loving fiance, we both just graduated she is a librarian and I am a doctor we are both making good money, we love what we do. We just recently moved to the other side of Canada and have made a ton of new friends we have a new puppy who is like our little baby. We are getting married this summer life should be great.
The only problem is my fiances mother and brother.
We will start with her mom. She has had longstanding mental health issues her whole life but has refused to ever talk to some one about it until recently. She is very bipolar and has huge ups and downs almost instantly. And when she has her downs it is bad, she is not violent directly but she creams and yells and breaks things. She is downright mean and she knows exactly how to hurt the people close to her. She is for ever making my fiance feel like she is worthless over nothing at all. She does not think clearly, does not act normally in social situations, and does not have normal emotional responses therefore I also question if the is schizophrenic, and i can technically do so. She goes in cycles she will go nuts have a breakdown about nothing and hurt everyone close to her, then not talk to them for a few days and then apologizes and feels terrible. however this does not stop her from doing it over and over again. She also feels like she is the victim and nothing is her fault. She constantly moves between cities and apartments because she cant make friends and is lonely or gets in fights with her landlords about nothing.
Now her brother. I basically think he is a psychopath with so many things wrong with him. He is afraid of social interaction with others, has many random irrational fears such as driving over bridges, windows. Has addiction problems (drugs, alcohol), is extremely violent towards other humans and especially animals (he has hospitalized their two dogs many times for no apparent reason). He cannot survive on his own, he goes through like 4 jobs a month and gets fired for various reasons and his parents pay for all his rent but he wastes it all on alcohol and has to move back in with his mother. He avoids all social interaction, including Christmas thanksgiving all the family occasions. On his birthday, his mom and dad was having cake and presents for him. He did not show up, and two days later when he found out we ate some of his cake without him he came home screamed at everyone flipped a table and kicked their dog and left.
My fiance has terrible anxiety basically because of her mother always verbally and emotionally abusing her. 100 percent of her stress is caused by her mother and occasionally brother, as she has very little to do with him. I have always taken her with a grain of salt and said very little even when I clearly should because she cannot take any amount of criticism. Anything you say even slightly negative is a personal attack against her and basically the end of the world. She has always attacked Cassie and almost never me, until recently.
1) I moved to the other side of the country two months before my fiance came to basically find a decent condo. I sank almost all my first 3 paychecks into buying furniture, and moving the rest of her and my stuff across country. Cassie was given 1000 dollars by all her relatives when she graduated which was for rent. Right before we moved her mom decided to take her on a little 2 day vacation, which turned into a 1 week vacation which she paid for by going into Cassies bank account she somehow had access to her online banking and using up the whole 1000. she did not think Cassie would mind. And Cassie did not check because it was a backup savings account she almost never used. She found this out two days before she moved out. of course I was upset we basically couldn't pay our damage deposit the day it was due and I did not get paid for another week and a half. I did not say a word to her mother, but I did talk to Cassie on Facebook about it saying that her mother had no right to do that, and Cassie basically said the same thing but it's her mother and she is always like that. Well her mom also has access to cassies Facebook and went on and read everything we said and of course decided to tell us that we were basically bad people for saying bad things about her and wouldn't talk to us for awhile. I did not mind that. But she tried to turn it around and refused to talk about stealing money from her daughter instead only focused on the fact that we said something negative about her between ourselves. After awhile she apologized cried a bunch her usual cycle of regret and said she would slowly pay Cassie back the money she basically stole.
2) So in the meantime she gets layed off at her job because she is basically useless and moves to another city. she gets a part time job for a phone company and one day decides to harass my fiance nonstop for like a day straight about getting a long distance phone. Cassie tells her that she will think about it but has to talk to me first, so what does she do sign us up that instant (without telling us). The the next day we told her no we do not want it. All communication ceases for like two days no response, then texts to both of us telling us that its such a good deal, and we both keep saying that we are not interested, basically until the period you have to end the contract runs our then she sends us both angry message saying that she cant believe she wouldn't do her a favor and that she was no longer going to pay for Cassies wedding dress and wanted her cellphone back because she had originally payed for it and she did not want to talk to Cassie anymore. Still mentioned nothing about the phone until one day I get a router in the mail from the company she works for and a contract for phone and internet for two years, 89.99 a month.
Obviously I am very upset by this as we told her many times we did not want this and we also already have internet. I call the phone company and tell them that we never ordered this and the end result was basically some one on their end was guilty of fraud. So obviously I could not take action right then, Cassie obviously did not want to get her in trouble but I refused to let her win and make us pay for this. She decided she would pay for half of it per month and I said hell no, she had lied to us, did not respect our wishes, and tried to manipulate both of us individually and this is not what family does to each other. on top of that had a hissy fit towards Cassie when she was madd at me and made her cry and be all depressed and worry about her wedding dress.
This obviously made her very angry and defensive and after quite a few nasty texts she ignored me for about a week. I texted her saying okay well then I am going to call the phone company and tell them I never ordered this. she called me literally 5 seconds later and was like do you realized I will be fired for this. That is not what happened Cassie asked me for this. I quickly brought up their conversation and proved that she did not and I told her that I already spoke to them and I will accept responsibility and say it was my fault only if she payed for half of it. Which was 2 years worth of half the monthly cost. Once again screamed at me a bit and then hung up, I immediately texted her saying okay I am done with this I am calling the phone company and she immediately calls back and apologizes and agrees to it. She actually did pay it off but she has sent a few nasty E-Mails since. I do not feel bad at all about this. She deserved to be fired but she does not think so she thinks I am the bad person here for not letting her walk all over us.
3) About a month and a half later I was working a day shift and I was very busy I had to bring a patient to the OR and was occupied and had to give some one my pager. Cassie lost her bus pass downtown and couldn't get home, and couldn't get a hold of me. So she called her mother and asked for 20 bucks to buy a 10 ride buss pass. She happily says yes and sends her 100. I found out about this about 2 hours after it happened, when I finally got my cell back. I also notice this message from her mom on facebook which is weird because she never messages me.
Hi Justin, I know you don't like me, whatever the root is for how you feel is not important to me. Cassie is your partner and you should put each other first. I'm no longer the person Cassie will or should consider ahead of you. I've sent Cassie $850 since Jan 31 so that's $650. I write this to say that I don't want to be contacted by Cassie for money anymore. If she calls me and is in trouble I can't say no and I can't afford to send money. If she has an emergency and you are not covering her needs, then she is to call Garth and not me for money needs. I tell you this because I am too worried to upset her but you can show her this message or speak to her and tell her that in a need for money she should get it from you or her father if she wishes. Take care of my daughter for once please and try to be a real man. Darlene
By the way most of that money is what she owned cassie. To which i replied
You know what Darlene, there are so many ways you could have gone about this message without being demeaning and insulting but the fact that you chose to write this the way you did says a lot about you.
Cassie is fully aware that she has to call me first and she did, I just worked 3 night shifts and had my phone on silent and was sleeping. She did call me three times. I am sorry Cassie could not get a hold of me and had to go to you. And I am sorry you are hurting financially right now. I will send you the 200 bucks right now. Have a good night.
Cassies asked me to send a little bit more because she was scared she was not going to pay for her dress again. what ever I thought that would be over but nope enters her brother.
Immediately after I sent the money her brother starts texting me, I have completely ignored everyone because I basically think he is a worthless peice of trash not even worth the effort.
I got 16 messages in about 14 hours most threatening which I do not really care about but the one at the end bothered me because he included her dad in it and he is literally one of my best friends and we talk a lot.
I can't beleive the disrespect you have shown my mother. I should show the same to your mother. I hope that you know that you do not have my blessing to marry my sister and I know how little that will mean to you but I want you to know where I stand and that is putting the situation lightly.
My mother has been to kind to you and cassie even thought you have some how turned things around and spun a negative light on them. I just don't know how you could expect me cassies brother and dad weather he says so or not.. for us or anyone who will know about this to have respect for you and be okay with marrying cassie at this point. You are an abusive person who hoardes his money and controls people with it. These qualities might be better suited for a girl who can stand up to a man but Cassie is a ladie and i do not expect her to do so you coward. I dread the day when you marry my sister and if I go it will only be for her. the things I say and feel I cannot say just now because of the nature of them. Just know I have zero respect for you and I hope you die.
I immediately called her father and forwarded the text, empty threats are one thing but that is unacceptable in my eyes. I do not know where he gets this stuff from. Cassie is a millions times happier now that she is away from all this emotional abuse. her dad apologizes and says he will take care of it. he called me back about an hour later saying its taken care of he just talked to him for about an hour and tried to tell him cassie was fine and we are doing great and he is acting terribly.
Before that conversation even ended I get saying
Really? you fucking went and cried to my dad like a little coward.
I do not know how to interact with either of them and I do not know what to do, I have been saying almost nothing in fear of offending them or Cassie because despite their illnesses they are still her family and she loves them, but I feel like soon I am going to snap and completely tell them off or do something even worse.
How do you deal with these types of people?
I am mentally and physically exhausted and something needs to be done here.
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Ignore. Give them time to fume out. If it's true that your fiance is a "millions times happier" now, then you only need to let time go by and let her family see that is so. Don't let this ruin or strain your relationship with your fiance. At this point, no words will amend relations or ties, only actions and time. Probably the most difficult part in this is:
1. Letting your fiancee have the freedom and access to use her money without being pressured by her family to lend
2. Letting your fiancee have the freedom and access to communicate with her family without being pressured by her family to do something that hurts both of you and the relationship
For the most part, it seems ignoring them is going to be easy on your part, but for her, it's going to be extremely difficult.
If you haven't done already, I would close that account her mother has access to as well or leave it empty and let it rot if you can do so without incurring fees.
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On March 02 2013 17:02 BirdKiller wrote:
Ignore. Give them time to fume out. If it's true that your fiance is a "millions times happier" now, then you only need to let time go by and let her family see that is so. Don't let this ruin or strain your relationship with your fiance. At this point, no words will amend relations or ties, only actions and time.
If you haven't done already, I would close that account her mother has access to as well.
I make this thread because her mother and brother are causing a lot of stress and making her feel depressed the last couple weeks, We have been here 7 months now. I just want them to stop and I keep hoping that they will but it seems to only be getting worse.
And yes that account was closed like a day or two after she got here.
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On March 02 2013 17:04 Beavo wrote:Show nested quote +On March 02 2013 17:02 BirdKiller wrote:
Ignore. Give them time to fume out. If it's true that your fiance is a "millions times happier" now, then you only need to let time go by and let her family see that is so. Don't let this ruin or strain your relationship with your fiance. At this point, no words will amend relations or ties, only actions and time.
If you haven't done already, I would close that account her mother has access to as well.
I make this thread because her mother and brother are causing a lot of stress and making her feel depressed the last couple weeks, We have been here 7 months now. I just want them to stop and I keep hoping that they will but it seems to only be getting worse. And yes that account was closed like a day or two after she got here.
You're going to somehow convince your fiancee that no words or actions at the present is going to make the situation better, but that overtime it will get better between you and her family. This being done by showing her family that you two are supporting and taking care of each other well. That takes time. It's going to require a lot of patience from both you and your fiancee unfortunately.
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You sound like a smart guy, someone I'd be asking advice from rather than providing advice to. So I will leave you with 4 basic principles which I have picked up over time:
1) Always view all interactions you have with other people, except your wife, in the third person. This is especially useful when dealing with family and in laws, but applies to life in general. Any interaction, message, conversation, or whatever should be viewed as a sick individual (them) talking to a biased individual (yourself). You should view the exchange between the two in the third person. Almost like a psychologist interacting with a patient.
In real life, this basically means you never take anything personally and you are always courteous to the other person, even if they are totally unreasonable. The reality is that the importance of our interactions with other humans is usually only 10% of the actual topics we are discussing, and 90% in the way we talk, how we treat people, etc.
So I'd personally apologize in an instant if it will ease tension just temporarily. Apologies are cheap, being "right" is important in the first person, but in the third person it's very unimportant most times, except when there is a business-type discussion going on.
2) You can never help somebody who doesn't choose to help themselves. These people are saddest of all, especially when they are family members. They are self-conflicted with issues, and you really have to try to help them as much as you can. But if they get into a pattern of self-destructive behavior, you really have no choice but to not allow yourself to be dragged down by it.
This isn't to say you abandon them or have bad terms with them, but rather that you conserve personal energy to live your own life and not spend it on them. The rule of thumb is that if it's costing you time, money, or emotional energy, be conservative and don't easily give it away. If it's anything else they ask of you that doesn't require those things, then freely give it to them the best you can. Being friendly, courteous, letting them be right, even undeserved respect, none of those things really cost you anything. But when money is involved you have to be firm if it's clear they are choosing not to help themselves but asking for you to give them.
When they try to get you upset or guilty, give no emotional response. Don't get angry, feel guilt, lash out at your fiance, nothing. Put on the progamer face. Anything but that and they are taking your energy. Just view it from the third person. They are sick and you are healthy. You can't necessarily get mad at them for that. But you can't let them take your health either.
3) The primary relationship between husband and wife should be one of complete trust and closeness. It should be the first person relationship, and all others third person. It should be the two together on the inside, and everyone else on the outside. If the fiance views you as equal or comparable to her other social interactions with friends and family, I don't believe that can be stable in the long term. This is my biased view of course, but I believe it really is a choice. She can choose between you and everyone else (friends and family). It's not an easy choice. You are a single individual; something could happen to you. A social network is a lot more stable, however, the potential rewards it offers are a lot less rich. There is a question to be asked and a choice to be made here, imo.
4) The fourth big principle is that of money. This is the most complex issue. What is money? Well, it generally seems to represent life energy. You put your life into something, and you get dollars back in return. Hopefully there was a net benefit to society.
Many people in society funnel their life energy to you, and you have a pretty good income as a doctor in return. They do this because of the value and benefit you provide them in return by fixing their bodies.
People with money issues aren't just broke, there are more fundamental things going on. Many times they lack control over themselves, and so they have to settle for dead-end jobs where their life energy is sucked out of them for a low cost. Their lives end up not being worth as much. Sometimes it's their own fault, other times it is the environment they grew up in - as debt slaves. Obviously people get bitter over this issue on all sides. Everyone ends up feeling used.
I guess my main point here is to view money as more of a flow representing something more profound. Simply giving it away won't fix the fundamental problems of people that don't have it, but at the same time, viewing or treating people who don't have it as trash or some sort of lower form is incorrect. They're simply slaves getting the life energy sucked out of them because of their own ignorance.
Therefore, I recommend saving a pretty good proportion of your money if at all possible. Furniture and a good quality of life, which can be supported by a certain income level only, isn't fundamentally bad, but it's taking all that social and life capital flowing into you and simply releasing it back into the world without really accomplishing anything other than a big carbon footprint. Spend about half to live well, and save about half.
This money you save can then be used strategically: invested into people's lives where it can make a difference. For example, putting a niece through summer camp, helping family out with the down payment to a house (which is obvious they can support), buying your wife's brother a plane ticket back home to bail him out of the homeless shelter. Don't let them pick and waste money on vacations, tv, or whatever stupid things they want to waste money on. Those thousands of dollars can be saved up and given out to them when it really counts.
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Best way to get them out of your life is to not rely on them for anything.
It seems you are relying on them financially for the wedding dress at least (possibly more).
Deal with whatever money you are expecting from the, get it all wiped clean, and at that point you can lose their number and never find it again....
It seems you're financially able to do so, and I'm surprised you haven't done so already.
Finances and family don't mix well with personality disorders (i speak from personal experience), it's a means to control people and can easily be used to cause emotional abuse. Ensure that they feel that they owe you nothing, and you should feel that you owe them nothing, and then finally you can have peace.
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On March 02 2013 20:38 CatNzHat wrote:
Best way to get them out of your life is to not rely on them for anything.
It seems you are relying on them financially for the wedding dress at least (possibly more).
Deal with whatever money you are expecting from the, get it all wiped clean, and at that point you can lose their number and never find it again....
It seems you're financially able to do so, and I'm surprised you haven't done so already.
Finances and family don't mix well with personality disorders (i speak from personal experience), it's a means to control people and can easily be used to cause emotional abuse. Ensure that they feel that they owe you nothing, and you should feel that you owe them nothing, and then finally you can have peace.
The easiest way is this ^. It can take some time, but do so. Work your ass off, do extra shifts, anything that it takes to rise above them financially. Once you no longer have to deal with them offering money, never take their money again. Never ask for presents on birthdays or special occasions, make sure they understand that their presence is the present they give. I've never had to deal with this, though in the future I may have to, however I have seen what in-laws being nasty to my mom and dad has done; it isn't pretty. Being the financial kings is what allowed them to rise above it all.
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Being bipolar is absolutely no excuse for being a fucking bitch, push her to get therapy and lithium.
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Hey man, just wanted to offer my condolances and advice.
I was in a similar situation to you, and i can tell you with 100% alacrity, that you are in the right, and they are jealous and petty.
Its kind of scary, how similar your situation is to what i had to deal with. I can say that it won't get any easier, in fact the longer you allow them to live in their fantasy world, the longer that they will believe that they are right, and you are wrong.
You are probly asking yourself how anyone could act the way that your motehr in law and brother in law act if they were human beings, and you're partially right.
In the back of their minds they know that they are wrong, and they might even acknowedge that they are indeed jealous of you, (although highly unlikely), so they need to invent reasons to resent and detest you.
To people like that, the thought of someone in their family experiencing happiness (especially if its a sibling) is caustic, and they will go to great lengths to disrupt that happiness.
The worst thing you can do is give them any type of ammunition for their tangents. Your girl asking her mom for money was just the catalyst she needed to bring upon you all the hate and rage thats been festering in her head for a while.
You know those completely BM ppl on sc2, that seem to want nothing more than to troll you as much as possible, assume that your mom in law n brother in law are the biggest grief trolls in the world. Don't give them an INCH they will take YARDS.
Also, you can't expect to treat them like normal people, most people are happy when you do good, and push for you to better yourself.
Ppl like that are evil spiteful people, who want nothing more than for you to fall flat on your face so they can gleefully declare that 'they were right all along, you are a peice of shit". And no amount of anything in the world will change that.
I paid for my ex's moms car payments for 6 months. When i finally had enough and cut them off, they acted like i was raping their daughter. (well i guess i was at the time)
Anyway, people like that don't deserve anything at all. You seem like a nice kid with your head on your shoulders, so don' let them demean you, or trouble you. Don't give them any ammo they can use against you, and don't think you can try to change their opinions about you cuz you cant. You could buy them a house in beverly hills, and they would still not spit on you to put you out if you were on fire.
There's no need to take 'the high road' with people like that, or even a need to be civil. No matter what you do, they will always view you as trash, so don't bother trying to change thier minds about you.
The sooner you just realize it and cut them off, the better you will be.
Trust me, you're just cutting short a process that will take 5 or 10 years. Because they WILL wear you down until you go crazy or cut them off. It WILL NOT get better with time, if anything it will just get worse.
If your girl will let you, just cut yourselves off COMPLETELY from them. It will be the best decision you will ever make.
TRUST ME IF YOU GUYS ARE PLANNING TO HAVE KIDS YOU NEED TO SEPERATE YOURSELF FROM YOUR INLAWS BEFORE YOUR KIDS ARE BORN OR THEY WILL DRIVE YOU INSANE BY TRYING TO TURN YOUR OWN KIDS AGAINST YOU AND ONCE THEY ARE BORN THEY WILL USE GUILT ON YOUR WIFE AND MAKE THEM A PART OF THE KIDS LIFE. TRUST ME THEY WILL TRY THEIR HARDEST TO TURN YOUR OWN FAIMLY AGAINST YOU. THEY HAVE NO GOAL EXCEPT TO SEE YOU SUFFER. THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTERS HAPPINESS, that part is very important. You NEED TO REMEMBER THAT PART.
I can see you saying 'well the mom is going to want whats best for their daughter so i shouldn't worry'. Normally yes, 100% that is the case. However with people like your inlaws, they don't give two shits about anything except their own twisted selves. I garuntee you that if you broke it off with your girl, even if it were to completely break her heart, the mom wouldn't care she would happily throw it in her face. You may think im being melodramatic, but ask yourself, after knowing what the moms like, if you think im right or if you think that you're imagining all this malice.
Anyway, it sucks that you're in this situation, if you want some advice from someone who's been thru similar, shoot me a PM.
Also, if you ignore this entire post, PLEASE don't ignore the bit about your kids.
You can afford to be miserable, but trust me you can't afford to expose that cancer to your kids. It WILL developmentally scar them for life.. and thats the best case senario. You are giving your mortal enemy free reign over your direct seed. If they can't hurt you, they will hurt you through your child. Remember, they ARE evil and they WANT TO SEE YOU FAIL even at the expense of their own kids. PPL like that DO EXIST.
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I would try to convince your wife to break all contact that is not purely unsocial. So that means no access to her personal things like facebook and forget about having your mother in law pay for the wedding dress. She will just keep using it as leverage to force something out of her.
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Little update. Come to find out she has been calling my parents telling them that I am not taking care of cassie.
AND BEST OF ALL
messaging her friends on facebook saying I have been abusing her and anything they could do to help would be appreciated.
I am not going to say anything tonight as I try not to say anything in anger but that is unforgivable imo
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TLADT24920 Posts
wow. I'll be frank with you, your situation scares the crap out of me. I can't say I've been in a similar situation before but I have had some rather bizarre friendships in the past that still don't come anywhere near this. I have to ask though, does the mother take meds for bipolar(or looking into it possibly)? She needs to do so. If she is bipolar, then I'm sure that you are aware that she doesn't have much control over herself and it's why she needs help. Once she gets meds/help, she'll be in a better position mentally and won't be as rough to deal with.
For the $1000, well stealing is a harsh word lol but taking it out and using it without asking her first especially since a vacation is not a need was definitely not a good idea at all. Keep in mind that some people have the belief that my money is your money(within family). Not saying that's the case here at all but some people follow that and I just wanted to mention it.
Your phone reasoning was pretty sound as well. Breaking a contract is expensive and I'm sure there are other methods to talk long distance, things like skype, facebook, msn etc... and a lot of people are doing just that as well. ouch at having to pay 2 years worth of half the monthly cost. I do feel bad for her but it was also her fault for going ahead even when you two told her otherwise.
I dunno what to tell you about the money. I don't think you were in the wrong yet again. Sorry to say but I chuckled at the last part, "Take care of my daughter for once please and try to be a real man". I can understand your frustration though, after all, the message was insulting. I think it would've been best to just write, explain the situation briefly and end it on a good note since things will only escalate as previous history has shown. Not saying you should write paragraphs, just something like, "sorry, my pager wasn't on me since I was busy in the OR with a patient but I will do my best to take care of your daughter" or something like that. It would've avoided the followup texting with her brother and further headaches.
Honestly, I don't think there is a way to deal with them. Best you can do is take care of your health and try to avoid conflict. As someone mentioned, writing sorry is a pretty cheap way of preventing an escalation of the situation which will stress both you and your fiance out.
Btw, that new update is way out there. She obviously thinks you aren't taking her care of daughter which is likely not the case(unless you were lying to us lol). I think you are doing the right thing. Don't respond tonight, just relax, breath, take it in and consider what your options are. If you plan to respond to what she did, what are the side effects? more tension? stress? Should you even respond? After all, is it that important? Just thinking of pros and cons then decide from there and whatever you do, remember to try and avoid conflict at all costs. GL!
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I have gotten a few PMs to update this. Sorry I have worked 48 hours in the last 4 days at the hospital.
I spoke to Cassie and her dad the night I found out about her calling my mom and messaging her friends and we came up with this plan that basically said that if she does not stop causing Cassie stress we will stop communicating with her, we did not want to see or talk to her or hear from her. Stress we do not want to do this but it was up to her to correct the situation,.
But after sleeping, I was a lot less angry and I know even though Cassie agreed to it she would be sad and it would make her depressed so we did not write her mom. Cassie how ever was going to visit home at the end of the month and has canceled that trip because her mom and brother would obv want to see her, and she does not want that right now. Her mom has no idea, this will likely cause a shitstorm and it will be all my fault somehow lol
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So this morning cassies mom sends a big message to her saying that she doesn't understand why she is ignoring her and basically told her off and acted the victim. Quoted a bunch of bible things about respecting your mother ect. And that she thinks every one is talking behind her back and the wedding is now going to be awkward.
Cassie sends her a message singling out my mom saying that she shouldnt have contacted her and thats one of the reasons why.
Am I wrong to get upset at that and think that this is going to cause resentment for my mother and myself. Cassie thinks the truth is good and what she needs to hear. I think another shit storm is coming.
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Bipolar cases are really difficult to handle. If you can suggest that she goes under therapy or visit a doctor for the right medication. Just recently, I had to accompany a close relative to a homecare, we can no longer handle his extreme mood swings and his current medications are no longer effective. Right now, he is under a 6-month therapy program.
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On March 17 2013 03:26 Beavo wrote:
So this morning cassies mom sends a big message to her saying that she doesn't understand why she is ignoring her and basically told her off and acted the victim. Quoted a bunch of bible things about respecting your mother ect. And that she thinks every one is talking behind her back and the wedding is now going to be awkward.
Cassie sends her a message singling out my mom saying that she shouldnt have contacted her and thats one of the reasons why.
Am I wrong to get upset at that and think that this is going to cause resentment for my mother and myself. Cassie thinks the truth is good and what she needs to hear. I think another shit storm is coming.
Boundaries are really tough. If you really think she is bi-polar I would completely cut-off contact until she at least tries seeing a mental health specialist. Basically the same treatment you give to people who are killing themselves with drugs and alcohol. "Bye. I will talk to you when you can help yourself."
If you keep engaging with her in anyway (texts, facebook, phone calls, money) she will find a way to drag you into her crazy. Really not worth either you or your partners peace of mind. Just a suggestion, only you and your hp knows whats best for you.
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Beavo,
i dont know how well some people will see this advice, since it may seem kinda controversial. but this is how i see it, and i hope it gives you some perspectives or ideas that will help you and your fiance deal with the situation.
the parent-child relationship is a strong one, and the roles are well-defined. the parent loves, nurtures, and guides the child. the parent wishes the child's best, and does everything he can to support the child in growth - intellectually, emotionally, physically, everything. the child loves the parent and does all that he can to take in what the parent has to offer and grows in mind and body. this is what the parent wants: for their child to become the best they can be.
your fiance's mother is no longer fulfilling that role. whether she thinks she is, whether she's trying her best, it's clearly not working. she's stifling your fiance personal growth. she's a huge burden on your fiance. and what needs to be done is to separate yourselves from your fiance's mother.
you and your fiance may feel an obligation to help her mother and brother, and really, one should help their loved ones if they can. but it really sounds like you guys have done all that you can. anything more and you two will just be stuck in the circle of negativity that keeps you two from living your own lives and doing what you love. ask yourself: what else can i do to help them without detracting from your future? it sounds like a selfish thing to say, but i think that you two will have much more potential without someone weighing so heavily on your shoulders. not to mention, you don't want your children to have to bear this burden either.
the mother has done her job and is no longer doing it. it's time to get away. this doesn't mean to not love her, or to resent her. but just to understand her, appreciate the things she has done to raise her child, and now, to focus on your own lives and in the future, nurturing the lives of your children.
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Cannot believe I read that whole thing. I hope you stop using facebook and use Linkedin instead. There is no easy road ahead. There are several nuts in my family as well and if they don't want to get help well sir it's best to keep the interactions to a minimum. You two have no dependency on them.
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EPT
