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Warning: Very rambly, midnight depressed musings.
There's been a pair of lingering mental hurdles in my life. Anxiety and lethargy are the big ones. And oh, do they feed into each other well...
Recently my university had me see a doctor, and they made me realise something I'd always known; I'm depressed, suffering from a state of mind that I can fight, but can't overcome by myself.
So, I've started taking SSRIs (sertraline - oh boy, are those some fun side effects!), and applied for counselling.
I don't often open up. To help me do so further, I thought I'd post up my own understanding of what's happened to me. It's good to vent.
Also, I apologise for the horrible mess that is about to unfold. It should be perfectly readable, but I make no guarantee that the paragraphs lead into each other well.
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As you grow up, more and more factors of life you take for granted become tasks for you to manage. Cooking, cleaning, socialising, working, planning, and so on. We start off with it done for us.
I blitzed through school, barely doing any work at home. I never needed to, the lessons were enough for me to perform well enough that I cared. It's only at around 16 or 17 did I start struggling at school subjects that I valued.
Anything I didn't know how to handle? I did fine ignoring it, passing it by! Any unknown factor scares me, even if it can be completely irrational and stupid (god forbid the tutor realises I'm not getting it!). Needless to say, it is strange. Especially as I've always found myself most at home with logic and intuition.
Worst of all is human interaction. The sheer variety and range or questions which I'm too scared to ask is unbelievable. I don't understand how I can be so afraid to ask for even the simplest of favours, let alone help with my mental struggles. Until very recently, these struggles have been strictly kept to myself.
I'm currently 21. After scraping through three years' university on a wing and a prayer, I've backed myself into a corner academically. I didn't even show up for my last exams.
What I'm saying is, I've gotten away for far too long doing as little of life as possible. My body has become so used to easy gratification that it's stopped listening to my own conscious decisions. It takes the easy route, avoiding challenge and conflict until they find me themselves. I know what I should be doing, but my instinct and subconsciousness just shuts that off and indulges itself. Before long, I've forgotten and am having fun.
Then, when I'm away from distraction - be it in bed or taking a walk, I'm free to worry about everything that's happened. I get to reflect on how even basic mundane tasks can require a mental struggle to perform. It's damn frustrating, watching yourself knowingly make the wrong choice again and again. At this point, I feel powerless to stop it by myself.
...never hopeless, though. Just infuriating. Like I said at the start - I've been struggling alone, but what I really need is help. It's really damn annoying that this depression and anxiety makes it hard to seek just that.
When I hear about depression, I always hear about "no hope", or self harm/suicide. I hear about feelings of worthlessness. I've only ever experienced the latter, and such thoughts are few and quickly defeated.
For one, every time I feel I have reached a moment of near-hopelessness, something bails me out. Someone comes to me, or a convenient last minute change means I avoid the problem entirely. I don't know if I'm lucky, or if some unnatural force is sheltering me, or if the world just has that many safety nets. But I do know is it's given me some faith. Unfortunately, it also means that I've never really learned my lesson. Perhaps this is just the depression talking.
In addition, I have faith in myself. Deep down, I've witnessed some really good stuff come from myself - under the right pressure, I can work really hard! I know I can do a lot of good when I have the strength. I enjoy the company of people I trust, and they've shown mutual feelings. People are surprised to hear that I'm not actually in a good state of mind. Perhaps this is also why I'm scared to tell them.
What I do know is that my love of life and good moods are very real, and I love them dearly.
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So here's hoping that my treatment gives me some more confidence and control in life. It's damn annoying seeing all these successful people telling you to go out there and do it. I really want to get out there, but I can't with this weight on my shoulders.
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Do you often have trouble expressing your emotions and how you actually feel (not shallow things that seem appropriate in the situation)? For example if you get asked by other people what you want to do with your life or when you get asked why you didn't do a particular thing that your mind told you is "the right thing" but that your body didn't want to do, do you deep down know what you would like to say and that it all makes sense in a weird and confused (but usually good or at least not bad, and definitely not depressive!) way, but there is just no way to express it in a coherent way that makes sense for other people?
Do you answer questions like this with "I don't know" more often than not or give answers that feel more shallow than they should and they confuse yourself more instead of clarify the whole situation? Or do you even just say something that sounds logical if you say it and will be a more or less satisfactory answer for the people you are talking to, but to yourself feels like a lie (Like "Maybe I'm just lazy.")? Do you think you get the only real trust and intimacy out of relationships that aren't too much about talking but more about just accepting even when you don't really understand each other/Do you only have very few connections in your life that feel like real relationships between humans?
Do you sometimes think to yourself that you are a pretty weird guy compared to other people? 
You don't have to answer these questions, but if you feel like "Yes" is a fitting answer to most of the questions I would be glad if you let me know, then I will take some time as soon as I can and write you a personal PM with "my story" and you can take from that story whatever you want.
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I've found that negative self-talk is very powerful. There have been times where I told myself I was depressed, but in reality it was self-inflicted suffering. My 'depression' was a result of my own volition.
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bwah! i feel your frustration! even if your depression lifts, it's a constant battle to keep it away D:
are you eating the right foods? i used to survive on pizza's, macaroni and cheese, t.v. dinners...... and i felt like shit. no energy to do my daily tasks like laundry and homework. once i started to eat fruits, veggies and *fresh* meat like chicken breasts, my energy lifted x5. sure, it takes ~30 minutes to make a meal instead of the 3 minute t.v. dinners, but the +27 minutes of food preparation will add ~4 hours more energy in the long run. trust me, the math works out. even if you don't feel like cooking every night, you can do what i do: cook a massive meal, and eat the left overs during the week. alllllllmost like those damn t.v. dinners, but with x100 less sodium and no "mystery ingredients."
this is by far, my greatest struggle D:
with your paragraph:
For one, every time I feel I have reached a moment of near-hopelessness, something bails me out. Someone comes to me, or a convenient last minute change means I avoid the problem entirely. I don't know if I'm lucky, or if some unnatural force is sheltering me, or if the world just has that many safety nets. But I do know is it's given me some faith. Unfortunately, it also means that I've never really learned my lesson. Perhaps this is just the depression talking.
my friends keep calling me the "child that pokes the lion and gets way with it"
which is true, because i don't have to do anything and life gets handed to me ez. but over time, it gets frustrating that i can't control the outcome of a situation. the problem, is that i learned to deal with my laziness. "oh? i passed my class with no effort and got a C? sweet!" but, when i look back at my transcript and all i see are C's and D's, it's frustrating to know that I didn't get the grades i know i deserve.
human interaction is hard for me too. i find that it is best to join a club -- one that is 100% separate from your circle of friends. the friends that you are with influence you and your behavior. by joining a club that is separate from them gives you room to grow on your own. even though you are 21, you are still developing your own opinions and such.
not to sound condescending, but no friends are better than shitty friends. it's nice to have people to hangout with, but when they keep asking you for a ride or asking you to be the sober person at a party......thats not really fun unless they are taking turns to be the sober dd. if they are having fun at the expense of your enjoyment, that could be making you feel down. think about it, are you the one who is always calling them to hangout?
I have a personal friend who is in this situation, and it is a very touchy topic to talk to him about. I know that is it part of his depression, but he isn't making and effort to better his situation.
for instant results, ignoring the problem always works. always. but that is child's play. it takes an adult to deal with a situation in a civilized manner. if you don't know the solution to a homework problem, the easiest solution is to ignore it! will you be content with the substandard grade that you will receive? oooor will you realize that you need help and proceed to ask questions? it doesn't have to be the right question, or a "smart" question. any questions about your problem will keep you going in the right direction!
i've gotten so far in my calculus II class with minimal effort and understanding that it made me feel so frustrated to realize that i had no idea what was going on in the class. i didn't understand how to integral, in a freaking calculus class! one day, i finally asked the teacher in class how to do the damn example in the book because i didn't understand any of it. she gave me a concerned look and my classmates gave me a "are you serious" stare. but i didn't care. i was there for my education. i asked a really stupid question, but i understand class now, and i feel so good about myself. the teachers are there for you. don't worry about what your classmates will think.
avoiding the challenge of understanding integrals caused more problems exponentially for me. there is some TED talk (can't find it atm) that discusses turning the challenges into a game. to win the game each day, you need to complete 5 tasks or something. each task is in a different group. social, mental, physical and other things i don't remember. 1) talk to someone new, or start a positive conversation with your friends. 2) tell yourself that you are gorgeous and so damn sexy. 3) do five jumping jacks or some other small physical exercise, the ted talk said that if you don't want to leave your chair, you can hold your arms out and move them around, lol. 4) another task was to challenge yourself, like finish a chore or learn something new (a.k.a homework!) bwah! i wish i could find it, but there are so many ted talks D: the goal of the ted talk was to turn it into a mental game for yourself. and only yourself. because it benefits you!
getting out of depression takes creative ways. there is no 100% fool-proof plan. what works for me might not work for you. but what will work is taking every chance you can to move yourself forward. for most people, step one is to realize that there is a problem.
good luck and sorry for my poor english
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Thanks for the replies!
Bommes: Those problems expressing myself happen all the time. It's infuriating, and can often lead to me second guessing something I was previously certain about. I don't quite get the relationship one. It doesnt take much to get me to like someone, and once I relax near them I can connect as a friend much more easily. It's just finding somewhere I can be peaceful.
beachybeachy: Until I saw the doctor, I would always tell myself I just needed to fix my problems, one at a time. Get into good habits, clear out the bad ones. Never worried about what the problem was. After seeing them, it's become more difficult to stay positive. It has however, become easier to fight.
Jailbreaker: There are plenty of people I trust, and I have a good few friends. However, these days, almost none of them are my own age. My problem making friends is, as I understand, to do with my own worries and discomfort. I can usually tell if someone is trying to be warm or helpful, and get annoyed at myself if I shy away from them.
I've always preferred the company of people a year or two older. I can learn more from them, and they're usually slower and more patient. In school, I was never once bothered by what my classmates would think. At least, it didn't feel that way. I was more worried about disappointing my teacher, even though it's their job to help.
The mental game is something I enjoy. I've often set myself some semi-joking challenges in day-to-day life, always making sure to note when I've achieved something. Never really made it into a schedule though. Will certainly have to give that a shot. :D
EDIT: Oh, forgot to respond on the diet point! I'm getting better at regularly cooking for myself (still needs work, but much more confident at it). The real problem is the other two meals. They're very inconsistent, and getting a good lunch can be really expensive. ><
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The first thing I would do is be very careful about your health. If you get your brain screwed up from drugs or do something to your body, then that's one of the worst things that can happen.
Try at least eating a decent diet and get off drugs if at all possible. They key objective imo is mental and emotional clarity so that you can evaluate the situation.
The second goal is to try to figure out what's broken. Maybe you have always done things for other people but never because of your own interests? It's hard to maintain that for many years.
Do you see things from the point of view that it "just doesn't matter"? I mean you could put tons of effort into something, but at some point you realize it's not truly important, and in fact nothing seems to be? The problem is, is that statement is rationally true. It is likely some kind of physiological/nutritional issue and/or emotional issue. I think awareness is key. Start eating right, get enough sleep, get a clear head. If you can't get a clear head, start asking why. Friends? Certain bad habits? Even if it's true that nothing has any meaning, that doesn't mean you should wake up feeling like crap in the morning, have a messed up sleep schedule, etc.
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Pandemona
Charlie Sheens House51436 Posts
Seems to me that you just need a firm push in the right direction and maybe to learn a few lessons along that way. You understand that life isn't easy and you need a job and learn how to cook for yourself and keep things clean and tidy. But to me it comes across as your to lazy to do it as it has been done for you in the past.
Don't get me wrong i am no exception to this, i am 22 and still living at home even though i have a job and no bills to pay (minus a phone xD) every day i have lunch prepared for me and tea on the table when i get home. My room is cleaned clothes are washed/ironed etcetcetc. I have it easy, BUT i also no that if i don't go to work, that my parents wouldn't even look at me let alone do all that stuff for me. They are happy to help when they know i am doing something, but when im being lazy (not washing my car, refusing to give them lifts, not working out) they soon put me into place, QQn me and laying down the laws of life.
That imo is what you need, you need a firm push, a better understanding that you get help when you show promise. If you start to work harder in Uni you can get yourself help from external sources. Soon as you graduate you are going to need some confidence in the many a job interview you will be attending.
Life is hard, it is no freebie (unless your rich, then fuckkk you lucky son of a...)
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write some goals like this
THINGS I NEED TO CHANGE
1. try to get through the 7-day nofap barrier (failed that today)
2. dont play dota or any games or watch stuff (failed that today)
3. 10pm cutoff time, push the off button and thats that (can still do that today)
4. get up immediately, and if in doubt go to the gym immediately (failed that today)
5. college work (failed that today)
6. quit smoking (failed that today)
7. eat better (failed that today)
8. stretch (can do that today!!!!)
THINGS I NEED TO DO
1. rally myself to quit smoking yet again (why cant i do that tomorrow???!)
2. rally myself to resume nofap (for massively increased energy - can do that tomorrow)
3. plan/organise my diet anew (can do that tomorrow)
4. gym tomorrow (fine so long as i sleep & eat during the day)
5. make sandwiches for tomorrow (can do that now!!)
6. stretch (dont fucking forget)
7. go to bed at 10pm
8. take my nicotine free cigs to college tomorrow
9. go to the gym tomorrow (which means sleep well tonight)
10. dont fap tonight (not a prob)
11. put money into my other account & buy wedding gift
12. do college work/assignment
write a list like this. can you write a new list every day? maybe ill make a blog letting others write their lists like this for fun
there is 1 thing that WITHOUT DOUBT will motivate you and strengthen you. that is: to achieve something. achievement is a feeling of power, energy, satisfaction, confidence, self-love and self-respect, and with these things comes hightened abilities in self-control and control over how you interact with others. a person satisfied with his own self-empowerment is able to treat others in an empowering fashion, being more useful and kind and inspirational to those around him.
and so, write your list. those are things u want to do, you KNOW without a doubt that you will ffeel satisffaction for achieving those things. it is core to you. it is an absolutely definite thing. something you can believe in and trust.
once you grasp a single feeling of achievement, allow it to empower you. it is ALL TOO EASY to revel in the satisfaction and go play games or get drunk or whatever. but you must utilise these feelings to spur you onto the next achievement. you must not waste them
ps i blogged it here, come use this blog and post your lists here if you want http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?id=400591
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Do you have any hobbies? something that you are passionate about? For example video games or other activities?
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“To improve is to change. To be perfect is to have changed alot.” - Winston Churchill
“People do not care how much you know until they know how much you care.” - John maxwell
and
Luke: I don't believe it
Yoda: That's why you fail.
TL:DR
1) no one is perfect
2) you don't know what other people are thinking
3) you have to believe in yourself before other people believe in you
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LunaSaint, I understand how you feel. I'm 26 and it's gotten better as I have gotten older. I had the exact same problem as you with school. I found that it wasn't until I was motivated to do something where I needed college that I was able to focus on school and do better. I'm not sure how much that helps, but it's more to show what I've experienced more than it is to help since things like these end up being intricate problems that are tough to solve in a forum post.
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Hello, I hope this reaches you at some point.
I think your self-reflection is very thoughtful and in particular, these lines really resonate:
"What I'm saying is, I've gotten away for far too long doing as little of life as possible. My body has become so used to easy gratification that its stopped listening to my own conscious decisions. It takes the easy route, avoiding challenge and conflict until they find me themselves."
to which i would say... There are times when people rarely notice as they are doing something wrong, but then there are times where it's very obvious to you that things are happening even though you know you can do better.
I'm actually here because i was looking up "learned helplessness" on wikipedia, it seemed like an interesting term to me--almost an oxymoron or something. What i found there was something else that felt like it resonated with me, and so i came to TL to find a recent post on depression hoping to add something.
What it said about an example experiment [on animals] is this:
"In the learned helplessness experiment an animal is repeatedly hurt by an adverse stimulus which it cannot escape.
Eventually the animal will stop trying to avoid the pain and behave as if it is utterly helpless to change the situation."
..and while i can't say that this describes depression in any real way, i can't help but feel it is one of the adverse effects that many people experience as they suffer from depression.
I hope that nobody will be sad over what that's like, but that is hopeful thinking. I can say nothing for certain, but i hope that you can realize that in the end, it can take as little as a moment of your life to begin doing what you enjoy, and to enjoy the process of doing these things!
A very simple example is that I am somebody who draws and paints once in a while. What I can do from there is clean off my table, lay down something i've been working on, and think of the people I have been drawing these things for.
Good luck!
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EPT
