EPT"No man will make a great leader who wants to do it all himself, or to get all the credit for doing it." —Andrew Carnegie
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Photo credit to: Kat aka "Qelix" @http://qelixlovesdota.tumblr.com/
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Recently, I've been thinking a lot about what my role as the leader is. It's been changing, evolving even, and that's scary. All the belief systems I held so dear, are slowly starting to crack and the underlying silhouettes are beginning to reveal themselves.
Fully congruent with my own experience, Eternal Envy expressed this in his recent blog post:
I take a lot of responsibility as to why the team fell into this slump. I felt that I under performed as a player/captain during this time period. Although there are a lot of underlying reasons as to my under performance which I will get into, in the end I failed. I'm so fucking bad.
During this period of time I made a lot more in-game calls than I usually do. Looking back I think there are two reasons for this:
1. As I pointed out previously, my team made a lot less decisions, and I felt that it was my duty as captain to make those decisions for them.
2. The team literally asked me "what should we do" when I wasn't ready to make a thoughtout decision, and I felt that I was forced to make that decision right there and then.
A lot of my calls felt forced and so the chances of them being correct were much less than if I was confident about my calls. My death count increased significantly as well, and I felt like the reason for this was because I was unable to focus on my game, instead I focused on thinking for my teammates a lot more than I could handle.
However, at the same time I was also a big huge coward. There were many calls I should of made but decided not to. Like when your team is about to engage in a fight, but you should tell them to get the fuck back. Sure sometimes I was like "back" but that's really not enough when it comes to a fight, instead you should be like "BACK BACK NOW, GET THE FUCK BACK." I was scared that I would make the wrong decision, and let my teammates movements dictate my decisions too much. Instead of manning up and acting like the captain when the team needs me.
During this period of time I made a lot more in-game calls than I usually do. Looking back I think there are two reasons for this:
1. As I pointed out previously, my team made a lot less decisions, and I felt that it was my duty as captain to make those decisions for them.
2. The team literally asked me "what should we do" when I wasn't ready to make a thoughtout decision, and I felt that I was forced to make that decision right there and then.
A lot of my calls felt forced and so the chances of them being correct were much less than if I was confident about my calls. My death count increased significantly as well, and I felt like the reason for this was because I was unable to focus on my game, instead I focused on thinking for my teammates a lot more than I could handle.
However, at the same time I was also a big huge coward. There were many calls I should of made but decided not to. Like when your team is about to engage in a fight, but you should tell them to get the fuck back. Sure sometimes I was like "back" but that's really not enough when it comes to a fight, instead you should be like "BACK BACK NOW, GET THE FUCK BACK." I was scared that I would make the wrong decision, and let my teammates movements dictate my decisions too much. Instead of manning up and acting like the captain when the team needs me.
I think this will happen to many captains because of the current paradigm of leadership in the western scene. In this blog I'll talk about some of my experiences and where, in my opinion, a captain's true place lies with his team. We're on a great streak at the moment, and I do realize it will come to an end at some point. This blog post serves as a momentum piece for my team.
Me, Myself, and I
For the longest time I believed that I had to do it all by myself: Create, manage, lead and support. For a long while it worked and it worked well. But, there was always a cost. It was draining at my sanity. There were a lot of times where I had completely broken down from pure exhaustion and doubt. Times when I couldn't find a way out and I kept banging my head against a wall (metaphorically). The pressure I mounted upon myself was immense, combined with all the exterior influences. I assumed total responsibility for every mistake and every failure. It felt like a dagger to the heart each time. I didn't ask for help because I had convinced myself that I had to do everything alone. One of the things that I frequently did was force creativity.
Brief History of Team FIRE:
+ Show Spoiler +
Team FIRE's meteoric rise to fame was a result of an innovative lineup that I created back then. We literally ran the same draft 100% of the time. It worked wonders and nobody knew how to deal with it, resulting in an impressive 98% win rate over the course of about 30 matches. I loved it. I loved the idea of strategy and methodical play. I truly believed that I could create perfect strategies and that strategy was the most important factor in Dota.
While strategy is largely important to competitive Dota, it certainly isn't the be-all and end-all. Our team's strategy started to get countered and after several defeats, I trashed the idea. Long story short, I gave up on the strategy entirely because it was losing and decided to make new ones. I began forcing myself to think up new, wild and irrational, strategies. None of them worked, and as they failed, I began to feel consumed by doubt. Along with my shattered confidence went the morale of our team.
On the back of our successes, however, team compLexity decided to sponsor our team. From there, our team swiftly fell into decline. We had some successes under our new sponsorship, but eventually we fell into a slump (Much like our inception with Liquid).
Forcing creativity is like yelling at a child to just "Grow up!" If only it were so simple, yet I needed results and desperately hoped it would just be a matter of time. I thought that if I was patient enough and focused enough, I'd find my answers. I'd just sit there and listen to music, meditate, take long showers, or go for scenic drives along the coast. They used to work for me after all. I thought, "I created team FIRE's first strategy doing those things, there's no reason why I can't do it again".
Of course I wasn't able to repeat the process because it was completely and totally forced. Here was my expectation: Create perfect strategies on my own, that I can run 100% of the time by utilizing underplayed heroes. It's silly to think of now but, back then, that was my reality and it was very real. Much of my delusion came from idea that "I have to do this alone".
A lot of this, to a much lesser degree, persists even today. These things played a major role in my decision to take an indefinite break from Dota after The International 2. The leadership mentality that I adopted back then was "The leader acts alone". There are several examples, within my post-TI2 blog, that suggest I preferred to work alone and that not trusting myself lead to our downfall.
During TI2, my drafts were really underwhelming compared to what I normally work with. We didn't seize any opportunities to use many of the lineups we had prepared due to pure timidity on my part. I believe that I was not properly asserting myself as the captain of this team. As a result, our drafts were a mix of ideas and philosophies instead of having one singular focus or direction. I think this is something that any captain can learn from.
Our manager Chappy said something to me that I'll never forget:
"Too many cooks spoil the broth".
If ever a proverb that a drafter can learn from, this is it. In essence, I gave into one of my weaknesses, which is the tendency to believe in others before myself. I feel like this is something that I need to develop further as a skill, moving into the future.
It's always hard to swallow blame and take the criticism. It's also extremely hard to assume the responsibility for your failures. However, if one is to be a successful DotA 2 captain, one must develop confidence and assume responsibility.
Puppey: Puppey is, in my mind, the best captain in the world. I admire him greatly and I aspire to reach his level of confidence and ability.
I learned, indirectly, from him that a team should be a reflection of a leader's will. It sounds arrogant and cocky at first, but it really isn't.
Our manager Chappy said something to me that I'll never forget:
"Too many cooks spoil the broth".
If ever a proverb that a drafter can learn from, this is it. In essence, I gave into one of my weaknesses, which is the tendency to believe in others before myself. I feel like this is something that I need to develop further as a skill, moving into the future.
It's always hard to swallow blame and take the criticism. It's also extremely hard to assume the responsibility for your failures. However, if one is to be a successful DotA 2 captain, one must develop confidence and assume responsibility.
Puppey: Puppey is, in my mind, the best captain in the world. I admire him greatly and I aspire to reach his level of confidence and ability.
I learned, indirectly, from him that a team should be a reflection of a leader's will. It sounds arrogant and cocky at first, but it really isn't.
I'm having realizations, these days, about a different perspective.
Wise Words
*Note* Yes I realize there are a ton of quotes in this section, but the title is literally "Wise Words" What did you expect?! So bear with me, I have a point.
Words mean a lot to me. Though, much of the time, words may be powerless, they seem to transform with age. For example, cliché’s are meaningless to you as a child; Things like "The grass is always greener on the other side" or "You never know what you have until it's gone" seem completely negligible. Yet as we grow older, at least for me, those words ring so perfectly true.
When team FIRE was first sponsored by compLexity Gaming (1 year ago), we were all asked to select a quote for our profiles. I remember going through pages of quotes, looking for the perfect words to embody my attitude. After quite some time, I realized that leadership quotes meant the most to me. I actually remember looking at these two quotes and dismissing them:
The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. In between, the leader is a servant. —Max DePree
I must follow the people. Am I not their leader? —Benjamin Disraeli
I mean they made sense and I valued them, but I was more into:
A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way. —John Maxwell
This quote was more congruent with my belief that I had to do it alone. I had the vision and it was up to me to execute it. Now, I realized that there is a common theme among leadership quotes: A leader isn't a manager, he doesn't orchestrate every task and tell people exactly what to do. Perfectly summarized in these quotes:
When I give a minister an order, I leave it to him to find the means to carry it out. —Napoleon Bonaparte
To command is to serve, nothing more and nothing less. —Andre Malraux
Much like Eternal Envy, I got very used to a leadership style that didn't give room to anyone. It was in the absence of direction, that I felt compelled to direct every action (right or wrong). I coined the term "verbal micro", which was a highly successful leadership technique earlier on. There were a lot of problems with this style of leadership however.
Several reasons why, include:
+ Show Spoiler +
-My own play suffered, I had to focus on so much that I wasn't performing at my potential a lot of the time.
-It didn't allow my teammates to make their own decisions, where they clearly knew more about the situations than I did.
-They were rushed and often inconsistent in success.
-I would grow restless and frustrated and go quiet for a while. My teammates were so conditioned to being told what to do, that they didn't think for themselves at times like these.
-It didn't allow my teammates to make their own decisions, where they clearly knew more about the situations than I did.
-They were rushed and often inconsistent in success.
-I would grow restless and frustrated and go quiet for a while. My teammates were so conditioned to being told what to do, that they didn't think for themselves at times like these.
I realize, now, that it's such a short-term fix to a long-term problem. A team should have 5 fully-capable individuals who can make their own decisions, united under one philosophy or strategy.
What I was doing, was conditioning my teammates to lose their sense of free-will. In retrospect, it was a fatal blow to our team's progression to the next level. The reason why it's easier to say, "I'm going to do all of this myself" is because it's simply far less complicated and time-consuming.
Developing a dynamic of skilled and free-thinking individuals takes a LOT of time. Many teams don't recognize this and then leaders feel absolutely terrible when movements stagnate, believing it's their responsibility.
"There is no I in team"
The weeks following The International 2, left me extremely vulnerable. I didn't care to lead, in fact I lost a lot of motivation to continue playing support and being a captain. I wanted to play the Utility role (3), because I was stuck in an "I" mentality. I felt that if I wanted to succeed I had to do it in a more impactful way. I felt like this role was perfect for me to step up and initiate, gank, and get farm (something supporting couldn't do later in the game). I wanted to be special, to be given an impact beyond the subtleties of a support.
All the highlight videos were the farming roles destroying with the space that they've been given. The public doesn't read too much into the finer details. Besides, flashy plays make sense; Providing vision, sacrificing yourself and all of the fine details don't. I never cared about those things. I loved playing support, being selfless didn't bother me one bit. Losing such a big competition can do things to you and take you to dark places.
I didn't intend to even play competitive for another couple of months, while I sorted all the things out in my head. However, Team Liquid reached out to us and, with Bulba's help, I couldn't say no. I could see so much potential in our roster if we added Bulba and Korok (Korok! *Creams pants*-just kidding) to our lineup. It seemed like the most perfect arrangement (I'm glad I was right). Deciding to proceed, even though vulnerable, was a great decision.
(As you can tell, I get a little silly once I read the 5 hour mark of straight writing)
Well how did being vulnerable help me make realizations? I learned several things:
-"Just do it", action precedes your shitty(only way to describe it) thoughts. It's a lot better to fail while trying, than to ruminate in your own head. This is self-explanatory.
-Why losing is important and why your perception of loss matters (explained in last blog)
-Leadership means a lot more than I thought.
It Feels like Rain
For the first time in a year, I actually experienced what it felt like to play Dota with the absence of a leader. I mean, I was there, but mentally I wasn't. I couldn't find the words, I didn't know what to do or how to do it, I just picked. We lost, we lost some more, and I actually, kind of, didn't care. I sat idly by as our team made decisions by themselves. I felt such a strong feeling of scorn for myself. "Who am I to lead?" I thought. It looked ridiculous to me, my teammates all making actions without precision. No one was telling them what to do or how to do it, and it looked like an utter mess.
I started to realize, it wasn't a mess. It was orchestrated chaos, the very thing I sought the most during The International 2. Something that compLexity was unable to achieve, which lead to our demise versus the Chinese teams. In my blog "Blame It on the Rain", I wrote:
1. Playing the Chinese game will not win the tournament outright. (Method)
...
-I felt like it was necessary for western teams to create chaos to disrupt their calculated actions. However, many of the teams were not mentally prepared to take risks in high profile matches
...
-I felt like it was necessary for western teams to create chaos to disrupt their calculated actions. However, many of the teams were not mentally prepared to take risks in high profile matches
+ Show Spoiler +
Funnily enough, the section's title has to deal with the rain as well. What a strange coincidence.
You see, compLexity's weakness was that we had TOO much leadership. Like I mentioned before, our teammates were unable to make actions by themselves by this time. We were too grounded in my leadership. One example of this is how teams instantly recognized when we were smoke ganking. The infamous "compLexity smoke gank" became "let's go hide in our base until they reappear time". Teams understood that I lead all of the smoke ganks and that we always went with our full squad. We were incapable of ganking effectively without me leading the charge. We had solid laning phases and early to mid games, but no one was able to lead ganks or late-game pick offs. This was a huge problem that we struggled with but couldn't solidify before the main event.
As I started to sit back more, I became more grounded in my own game. I didn't feel the pressure to assume every second of our match. Everyone stepped up and worked with each other separately. Not only in play, but also in draft. Each player started contributing because of my indecision. I started asking for help, for opinions, for a team. I started to feel relieved of the immense pressure I was used to and I felt more confident.
Flashback!
I must follow the people. Am I not their leader? —Benjamin Disraeli
This quotes represent the realizations that I had, and am still having, this month. I remember having a terrible moment and telling Korok and Bulba:
"I can't believe this... I'm so sorry guys, I'm not performing near my capacity. If you were on this team during compLexity, you'd see how much more vocal my leading was. I'm not usually this quiet, I don't know..."
Well, because I was feeling too weak to assert my leadership, I learned to follow. I learned what it felt like to be the one sitting back and just being a part of the team, not a leader. TC took control for a bit and I got comfortable again. Hurray! It wasn't my fault if the drafts went poorly. I could go afk and make food and browse the internet during the drafting phase (so nice, haven't been able to do this for a year). I didn't have to lead or do anything, nothing at all!
We Stand Together
The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. In between, the leader is a servant. —Max DePree
Well, the title couldn't get any more lame. It's just how I feel, and when I feel passionate about something, nothing's off limits. I'm lame, okay let's move on.
I noticed that we could really do this, I could really do this (lead). I realized that I needed help and that I have highly talented players on my team. Everyone stepped up and I'm so grateful for that. This is my ode to them and how they've helped me grow and how I've watched them grow:
Steven aka Korok:
+ Show Spoiler +
Korok you're extremely talented and you've opened my eyes up to, yet another, unique perspective. I love the fact that everyone on this team looks at the game in a different light, and it totally makes sense coming from your roles. There is no way that I'd ever experience the full spectrum of perspectives to make this team run the way it is. You're one of the reasons why I understand that I can't control everything. You're a wildcard, a true anomaly. You act and perform in a way that is second-to-none. Though you love to slack off, you've been trying (I noticed, at least). Your mastery of the mid and late game far exceeds my capability to lead it. I'm so pleased that you're able to coordinate the team, as well as act alone, to utilize your heroes to their fullest potential. It relieves so much pressure from me and allows me to focus on my own game.
Mike aka ixmike88:
+ Show Spoiler +
Mike you've always been my right-hand man. You shatter every expectation of dedication on profound levels consistently. There aren't enough people out there with your mindset. I truly value you as a friend, a teammate, and as a teacher (Yes, I do learn from you Mike). You consistently teach me how to be true to myself, how to be confident and how to be uninhibited. There are so many laughs to be had, simply by being around you. You've really stepped it up Mike. One year ago, you never even touched support. Now, you're breaking out of the mold and making my life a hell of a lot easier. You've gone way out of your comfort zone time and time again (The results are showing). I'm so pleased to see you grow. People say "ixmike just right clicks Fluff", but, trust me, we wouldn't have gotten this far without you.
Tyler aka TC:
+ Show Spoiler +
TC, you balance me out. Without your guidance, I'm just a wacky sensationalist. I'm glad that you are so different from me. We'd have the "clowniest" lineups known to man, if you weren't to voice of reason. You're soft-spoken, but you've also taken steps to break out of your shell. I've noticed such a huge improvement in your confidence and your ability to speak up. You should speak up! You're completely brilliant at this game and your perspective is unparalleled. You're my second-in-command and I know that I can trust everything that you have to say, as much as it hurts my ego. You're easily the most consistent player in the West. I love the fact that you've shown leadership of your own in our games. If you learn how to master your own leadership, I can't imagine anything more powerful.
Sam aka Bulba:
+ Show Spoiler +
Bulba you're just like me. You have insane ideas sometimes and you definitely need to be filtered. But when you're on, you're on. When I watch you cast games it helps remind me how bright you are. You truly know how to make sense of things and vocalize your thoughts. You're a talented guy with a lot of dedication. No one, besides TC, fiends as hard as you do. I can count on you to watch every (and I mean EVERY) single important match. Nobodies as quick as you to express themselves and it means a lot. You inspire action and to many degrees your selflessness rivals Mike's. If not the first, you're always quick to watch replays and analyze situations. You're sometimes too hard on yourself, but I admire that in you. With your mentality, the skies the limit.
Finally, our manager, Robin aka Bumblebee and Team Liquid:
+ Show Spoiler +
Robin you've really solidified your place in our team. You're as dedicated as all of us to the success of this team. I don't even understand it, but it's insane. I can't express how grateful I am to you and your contributions thus far. You've streamlined this process for us and made it so easy for us to focus. Though, a lot of the time, you have so many ideas that it can frustrate us, I appreciate your efforts. For every 50 "Bloodseeker force staff"-type lineup ideas you have, at least one of them will be relevant and thought provoking. So, keep at it! That goes out to all of the Team Liquid as well. You're all so supportive and friendly, truly a pleasure to deal with.
Closing
I decided not to edit any of that last part and leave it how it was. It was completely uninhibited and I mean every bit of it. It's been about 7 hours now and I'm really tired. I'll probably go back for some edits later in terms of fatal mistakes. I started with something simple and it all just came to me. I'm so happy that I'm learning all the time. One of the best lessons that I continue to learn is that it's important to get out of your head and "Just do it". Hopefully everyone can appreciate this. I'm finally starting to realize what a team really is and what it means to be a leader.
Thank you to my team and everyone who supports Team Liquid.
A great leader’s courage to fulfill his vision comes from passion, not position. —John Maxwell
-FLUFF
@LiquidFLUFF
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