I feel tried all the time, and shitty. The only times I feel geniunely happy and 'alive' is after feel very sad for a long period of time. Just this knowledge that to feel happy I have to feel suicidal puts a damper on me even when I am in a good mood.
Anyway by next month I will be prescribed anti-depressents. I believe the type I am taking is Zoloft.
This is slightly scary. I feel like my condition has not improved in the last few months. I don't even think I have changed over the last 4 years. I hate myself for not being able to change, for not being able to be happy. I hate myself for hating myself.
Anyway I've found that just reading about others going through depression helps. I don't know where to look though. The blog section of Teamliquid is suprisingly limited when it comes to this sort of thing.
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Shoutout to liquid_tyler. I completely understand why he might not have done so well recently. Being depressed is one of the most horrible things.