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Pretty much as the title says. I wrote a prologue or at least part of a prologue for a crime novel recently, probably the first thing I have written in quite a while and also the first piece of writing I have done in a modern setting. I usually write medieval/high fantasy stories. Usually stories I write involve swords, shields and magic.
Anyway, I am rambling on a bit so down to reason of this post. I wrote this earlier this year as a set up to a crime novel of sorts. I am unsure as to how the main plot would go but I have some vague ideas. I am looking for any critique you could give me on this. As well as point out any areas that I could improve upon. Thanks to all who take some of their time to read it.
I have put it in spoiler tags and will also warn of some swear words. So don't say I didn't warn you. 
Enjoy.
+ Show Spoiler +
Stephen was drunk, his head pounding. His wife giving him an earful in the driver’s seat beside him. The usual spiel of how he was wasting his life and how if he did not get his act together he would wake up one morning to find the kids gone and a simple note from his wife saying divorce papers were in the post. He did not want to hear this. He rubbed his temples, the stale smell of his own breath making him taste vomit in the back of his throat. The jerking of the car as Mari grew angrier and her driving became more erratic. Mari slammed on the brakes at the red light, rain hammering on the roof of the car.
“Are you even listening to me?” Stephen shook from his trance, his head lolled to its side to look at his wife. “This has been going on for months now, every single night. Every single night I cry myself to sleep as you lie passed out from that bloody alcohol. Every morning I wake up and wonder, ‘Why on earth am I still in this house?’”
“Give me a fucking break,” snapped Stephen, spitting out his anger. “My job is hard and I’ve got so much on my plate right now and I do not need this shit from you at two o’clock in the morning. Do you have any idea the stress I was under from my boss to close that deal today. ”
“Oh boo-hoo!” retorted Mari. “Your job is hard!? Do you have any idea what it is like raising two kids?” Stephen opened his mouth but Mari cut him off. “No, of course you wouldn’t.”
Stephen’s head fell to his chest as silence fell between them. Mari looked over at him as she pulled away from the lights. Mari’s anger started to become overshadowed by the guilt and sadness for what she had said. She loved him, she really did but she could not cope any more. She had to shock him somehow because nothing was working so far. The sound of the gravel crunching underneath the car was a relief as she pulled into the driveway. She stopped the car and turned off the ignition. She turned to Stephen to apologize and saw him sleeping. She sighed and pulled the blanket from the back seat and laid it over him. Mari went to the house and checked the kids, they were still asleep. Moving to the bedroom she collapsed to the floor back against the bed, where the tears began once more.
Stephen was awoken by the sunlight coming through the cracks in the blinds. He rolled over to his side, Mari was not there. He sighed and rubbed his bloodshot eyes, he pulled himself up. The hangover swept over him and he almost fell to his feet. He steadied himself and looked around the bedroom. He did not even remember how he got here. Stephen looked down at the clothes he had been wearing from the night before as the flashes came back again. He remembered arguing with Mari again. He cursed and made his way slowly out of the bedroom, his hands running along furniture and the walls to aid him into finding the door. He reached it and his hand fumbled around the door knob as he tried to grasp it. The effort to turn it felt monumental and he almost fell over as he fought the door open. He passed Mia and Allison’s room and barely managed to reach the stairs. Stephen took infinite care shuffling down each step, foot by foot, as both hands clasped around the bannister hoisting his body along with his feet.
Stephen sighed in relief as he finally reached the ground floor; he could feel the sweat trickling on his brow. The television was on but Mari was not in sight. He shuffled towards the kitchen and shouted out but there was no answer. He looked over to the kitchen and saw nothing through the archway. He walked closer and shouted once more. Stephen shrugged and turned back towards the television to see Mari staring at him. Stephen smiled and sat in his favourite chair.
“I am sorry about last night,” Stephen started, when he noticed Mari had not moved. “Mari?” Stephen pulled himself over on his knees and found himself looking into lifeless eyes. Stephen shook her and Mari’s head toppled over to reveal the wound on the side of her neck, Stephen could not move. The tears filled his eyes and he shook her again. “Baby?” Stephen put his hand on her neck, blood soaked hands frantically searching for a pulse. He noticed the small red patch on her chest, a hole in her t-shirt. “Mari!?” Tears erupted and he gargled his anguish as it tried to find a voice. Stephen leaned over and kissed the cold lips of his wife.
He did not hear the footsteps on the stairs but all it took was a single sound to shake Stephen into a vague state of reality.
“Dad?"
Edit:Fixed a typo
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I'll comment on it in more detail later, but this:
He did not hear the footsteps on the stairs but all it took was a single sound shook Stephen into a vague state of reality.
Might just be the most confusing thing I read all day.
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He did not hear the footsteps on the stairs but all it took was a single sound shook Stephen into a vague state of reality.
I guess that would be better written as
He did not hear the footsteps on the stairs but all it took was a single sound to shake Stephen into a vague state of reality.
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Yeah I just noticed that. ^^ It was a typo just edited it in to make it sound like a proper sentence.
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Oh... I read "proleague " instead of "prologue" XD
Was expecting something entirely different, on topic though I know nothing about writing
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It sounds good to me. It had me intrigued to find out what happens next!
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well now i want to know what happened. please finish soon!
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Ok, let's get into it.
Stephen was drunk, his head pounding. His wife giving him an earful in the driver’s seat beside him. The usual spiel of how he was wasting his life and how if he did not get his act together he would wake up one morning to find the kids gone and a simple note from his wife saying divorce papers were in the post. He did not want to hear this. He rubbed his temples, the stale smell of his own breath making him taste vomit in the back of his throat. The jerking of the car as Mari grew angrier and her driving became more erratic. Mari slammed on the brakes at the red light, rain hammering on the roof of the car.
Right off the bat I see what will be my largest problem with your piece. Lucky you that my largest problem isn't a very big problem.
I feel like you are throwing the exposition at me, but it's too direct for my taste. I prefer my exposition to be deliverd more smoothly, it feels more natural. During most of your prologue I feel like you aren't throwing enough curveballs when it comes to exposition.
“Are you even listening to me?” Stephen shook from his trance, his head lolled to its side to look at his wife. “This has been going on for months now, every single night. Every single night I cry myself to sleep as you lie passed out from that bloody alcohol. Every morning I wake up and wonder, ‘Why on earth am I still in this house?’”
To me, this is the equivalent of walking in on the super villian, just as he reveals his plan to a minion.
Sure, people feel this, but do they ever state it so outright? Again, just my preference in the delivery of exposition.
“Give me a fucking break,” snapped Stephen, spitting out his anger. “My job is hard and I’ve got so much on my plate right now and I do not need this shit from you at two o’clock in the morning. Do you have any idea the stress I was under from my boss to close that deal today. ”
“Oh boo-hoo!” retorted Mari. “Your job is hard!? Do you have any idea what it is like raising two kids?” Stephen opened his mouth but Mari cut him off. “No, of course you wouldn’t.”
Same as before.
Stephen’s head fell to his chest as silence fell between them. Mari looked over at him as she pulled away from the lights. Mari’s anger started to become overshadowed by the guilt and sadness for what she had said. She loved him, she really did but she could not cope any more. She had to shock him somehow because nothing was working so far. The sound of the gravel crunching underneath the car was a relief as she pulled into the driveway. She stopped the car and turned off the ignition. She turned to Stephen to apologize and saw him sleeping. She sighed and pulled the blanket from the back seat and laid it over him. Mari went to the house and checked the kids, they were still asleep. Moving to the bedroom she collapsed to the floor back against the bed, where the tears began once more.
I like that you contrast the fight they have with some parts that hint at her love. Again, it's too direct for my taste, but I like that you are showing that these characters don't just have 1 emotional track.
An example of how I would do it (or like to see it done) is not have her inner monologue tell her that she loves him. Have her make an action that we as the audience instantly recognize as 'loving.' He fell asleep so she could maybe stroke his hair or something of the kind.
That's just off the top of my head, but I hope that explains what I mean. Telling can be just as powerful as showing but I think it's more graceful writing if you don't throw it in our face in such a direct manner.
Stephen was awoken by the sunlight coming through the cracks in the blinds. He rolled over to his side, Mari was not there. He sighed and rubbed his bloodshot eyes, he pulled himself up. The hangover swept over him and he almost fell to his feet. He steadied himself and looked around the bedroom. He did not even remember how he got here. Stephen looked down at the clothes he had been wearing from the night before as the flashes came back again. He remembered arguing with Mari again. He cursed and made his way slowly out of the bedroom, his hands running along furniture and the walls to aid him into finding the door. He reached it and his hand fumbled around the door knob as he tried to grasp it. The effort to turn it felt monumental and he almost fell over as he fought the door open. He passed Mia and Allison’s room and barely managed to reach the stairs. Stephen took infinite care shuffling down each step, foot by foot, as both hands clasped around the bannister hoisting his body along with his feet.
The classic, more showing, less telling.
The effort it takes to turn felt monumental.
Try writing it in such a fashion that we feel like the task is monumental. Write it so that when I read it, I can almost feel the strength that it's taking.
Stephen sighed in relief as he finally reached the ground floor; he could feel the sweat trickling on his brow. The television was on but Mari was not in sight. He shuffled towards the kitchen and shouted out but there was no answer. He looked over to the kitchen and saw nothing through the archway. He walked closer and shouted once more. Stephen shrugged and turned back towards the television to see Mari staring at him. Stephen smiled and sat in his favourite chair.
“I am sorry about last night,” Stephen started, when he noticed Mari had not moved. “Mari?” Stephen pulled himself over on his knees and found himself looking into lifeless eyes. Stephen shook her and Mari’s head toppled over to reveal the wound on the side of her neck, Stephen could not move. The tears filled his eyes and he shook her again. “Baby?” Stephen put his hand on her neck, blood soaked hands frantically searching for a pulse. He noticed the small red patch on her chest, a hole in her t-shirt. “Mari!?” Tears erupted and he gargled his anguish as it tried to find a voice. Stephen leaned over and kissed the cold lips of his wife.
I like this bit, but I think you could make it last longer. I feel like an event of this magnitude could do with a bit more text, just to add gravitas.
He did not hear the footsteps on the stairs but all it took was a single sound to shake Stephen into a vague state of reality.
“Dad?"
It's better like this. But I still don't know how someone can be shaken into a vague state of reality. I can't even imagine what a vague state of reality is. Drunk? Drugs? Headache?
Overal, I feel like there is something here. I think it could be improved by writing a bit more expansively and not throwing exposition at the audience in such a direct fashion.
I would probably continue reading for a while, but sooner or later my complaints would kill my enjoyment if they carried on too long or all story long.
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United States86 Posts
Here's my take on the beginning:
Stephen was drunk, his head pounding.
I don't think you need the second part-- you do a much better job later with the line "He rubbed his temples" communicating that-- maybe describe his reaction to oncoming headlights to communicate a headache.
His wife giving him an earful in the driver’s seat beside him. The usual spiel of how he was wasting his life and how if he did not get his act together he would wake up one morning to find the kids gone and a simple note from his wife saying divorce papers were in the post. He did not want to hear this.
This part is awkward, I'd focus more on Stephen to start and cut the exposition about his wife's complaints entirely, letting her first line be "Are you even listening to me?"-- if he's not listening there's no reason we should hear or know what she's saying yet.
the stale smell of his own breath making him taste vomit in the back of his throat. The jerking of the car as Mari grew angrier and her driving became more erratic.
These lines feel awkward to me as well, especially the passive construction of the second sentence
“Are you even listening to me?” Stephen shook from his trance, his head lolled to its side to look at his wife. “This has been going on for months now, every single night. Every single night I cry myself to sleep as you lie passed out from that bloody alcohol. Every morning I wake up and wonder, ‘Why on earth am I still in this house?’”
“Give me a fucking break,” snapped Stephen, spitting out his anger. “My job is hard and I’ve got so much on my plate right now and I do not need this shit from you at two o’clock in the morning. Do you have any idea the stress I was under from my boss to close that deal today. ”
“Oh boo-hoo!” retorted Mari. “Your job is hard!? Do you have any idea what it is like raising two kids?” Stephen opened his mouth but Mari cut him off. “No, of course you wouldn’t.”
Stephen’s head fell to his chest as silence fell between them. Mari looked over at him as she pulled away from the lights.
This feels like you hit your stride, you might try trimming the dialogue down, "I don't need this shit at two in the morning" vs "I do not need this shit from you at two o'clock in the morning"
Mari’s anger started to become overshadowed by the guilt and sadness for what she had said. She loved him, she really did but she could not cope any more. She had to shock him somehow because nothing was working so far. The sound of the gravel crunching underneath the car was a relief as she pulled into the driveway. She stopped the car and turned off the ignition. She turned to Stephen to apologize and saw him sleeping. She sighed and pulled the blanket from the back seat and laid it over him. Mari went to the house and checked the kids, they were still asleep. Moving to the bedroom she collapsed to the floor back against the bed, where the tears began once more.
There's a lot of exposition here about Mari's feelings, but I think you could communicate some of it as more dialogue on her part, the line "No, of course you wouldn't" hit really hard in a good way, and told a long story about the trouble that got them where they are-- it clearly shows her anger and is more evocative than "the [gravel] was a relief"
Also, it seemed from the start that he was in the passenger seat.
I have similar sorts of critique for the rest of it-- less passive sentence construction, less narrative about how the Stephen is feeling.
A few other points,
Stephen took infinite care shuffling down each step, foot by foot
This seems redundant if he's taking infinite care-- I think you could opt to stretch the narrative there instead of using repetition to build suspense (though there's a case to be made for using "foot by foot" to convey the meticulous nature of the task at hand); I'm not sure it should change, it just feels funny to me.
Stephen leaned over and kissed the cold lips of his wife.
That's the sort of thing people do when they've watched someone die-- it's a very conscious action when they are leaning in; I'd also say it's a cliched image, but I think you could do something interesting with it like making him frantically kiss her in vain-- would convey panic and confusion instead of acceptance and good bye.
The last bit with "Dad?" is confusing in some respects, following Stephen so close the natural assumption is to read it as if he said it-- I'm assuming it is one of the children though, and I think you could put something in there to make that more clear.
All-in-all, I think it's an interesting prologue, albeit with an unexpected twist ending-- I can see a lot you could do with a backstory like this. I'll admit that the "Of course you wouldn't" line made me want the story to be about her leaving him that night with the kids, or just their struggles to fix their broken marriage-- if you run into writer's block you might try to reinvent the story where the kids and wife are kidnapped and then murdered and found a few days later (or just the wife murdered, kids missing), then you'd have a main character believing his wife had left him for a few days, before BAM the long arm of the law snatches him up for murder.
I like it, and if you write more in the story I hope you post it Good luck with your piece!
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On February 02 2012 23:57 Wolfe87 wrote:Pretty much as the title says. I wrote a prologue or at least part of a prologue for a crime novel recently, probably the first thing I have written in quite a while and also the first piece of writing I have done in a modern setting. I usually write medieval/high fantasy stories. Usually stories I write involve swords, shields and magic. Anyway, I am rambling on a bit so down to reason of this post. I wrote this earlier this year as a set up to a crime novel of sorts. I am unsure as to how the main plot would go but I have some vague ideas. I am looking for any critique you could give me on this. As well as point out any areas that I could improve upon. Thanks to all who take some of their time to read it. I have put it in spoiler tags and will also warn of some swear words. So don't say I didn't warn you. Enjoy. + Show Spoiler +
Stephen was drunk, his head pounding. His wife giving him an earful in the driver’s seat beside him. The usual spiel of how he was wasting his life and how if he did not get his act together he would wake up one morning to find the kids gone and a simple note from his wife saying divorce papers were in the post. He did not want to hear this. He rubbed his temples, the stale smell of his own breath making him taste vomit in the back of his throat. The jerking of the car as Mari grew angrier and her driving became more erratic. Mari slammed on the brakes at the red light, rain hammering on the roof of the car.
“Are you even listening to me?” Stephen shook from his trance, his head lolled to its side to look at his wife. “This has been going on for months now, every single night. Every single night I cry myself to sleep as you lie passed out from that bloody alcohol. Every morning I wake up and wonder, ‘Why on earth am I still in this house?’”
“Give me a fucking break,” snapped Stephen, spitting out his anger. “My job is hard and I’ve got so much on my plate right now and I do not need this shit from you at two o’clock in the morning. Do you have any idea the stress I was under from my boss to close that deal today. ”
“Oh boo-hoo!” retorted Mari. “Your job is hard!? Do you have any idea what it is like raising two kids?” Stephen opened his mouth but Mari cut him off. “No, of course you wouldn’t.”
Stephen’s head fell to his chest as silence fell between them. Mari looked over at him as she pulled away from the lights. Mari’s anger started to become overshadowed by the guilt and sadness for what she had said. She loved him, she really did but she could not cope any more. She had to shock him somehow because nothing was working so far. The sound of the gravel crunching underneath the car was a relief as she pulled into the driveway. She stopped the car and turned off the ignition. She turned to Stephen to apologize and saw him sleeping. She sighed and pulled the blanket from the back seat and laid it over him. Mari went to the house and checked the kids, they were still asleep. Moving to the bedroom she collapsed to the floor back against the bed, where the tears began once more.
Stephen was awoken by the sunlight coming through the cracks in the blinds. He rolled over to his side, Mari was not there. He sighed and rubbed his bloodshot eyes, he pulled himself up. The hangover swept over him and he almost fell to his feet. He steadied himself and looked around the bedroom. He did not even remember how he got here. Stephen looked down at the clothes he had been wearing from the night before as the flashes came back again. He remembered arguing with Mari again. He cursed and made his way slowly out of the bedroom, his hands running along furniture and the walls to aid him into finding the door. He reached it and his hand fumbled around the door knob as he tried to grasp it. The effort to turn it felt monumental and he almost fell over as he fought the door open. He passed Mia and Allison’s room and barely managed to reach the stairs. Stephen took infinite care shuffling down each step, foot by foot, as both hands clasped around the bannister hoisting his body along with his feet.
Stephen sighed in relief as he finally reached the ground floor; he could feel the sweat trickling on his brow. The television was on but Mari was not in sight. He shuffled towards the kitchen and shouted out but there was no answer. He looked over to the kitchen and saw nothing through the archway. He walked closer and shouted once more. Stephen shrugged and turned back towards the television to see Mari staring at him. Stephen smiled and sat in his favourite chair.
“I am sorry about last night,” Stephen started, when he noticed Mari had not moved. “Mari?” Stephen pulled himself over on his knees and found himself looking into lifeless eyes. Stephen shook her and Mari’s head toppled over to reveal the wound on the side of her neck, Stephen could not move. The tears filled his eyes and he shook her again. “Baby?” Stephen put his hand on her neck, blood soaked hands frantically searching for a pulse. He noticed the small red patch on her chest, a hole in her t-shirt. “Mari!?” Tears erupted and he gargled his anguish as it tried to find a voice. Stephen leaned over and kissed the cold lips of his wife.
He did not hear the footsteps on the stairs but all it took was a single sound to shake Stephen into a vague state of reality.
“Dad?"
Edit:Fixed a typo
Its interesting, but at one point i feel like you use the word "He" to start a sentence too much. I put all the instances of he i found after that point so you see what i mean. He did this, he did that, then he did this. You need to stop using "he" and "stephen" to narrate what he's doing, we already know its him so find a way to tie some sentences together. And for that matter, after catching the many "he's" , i realize maybe u even used "she" a little too much early on with mari.
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United States7488 Posts
Included in the spoiler are my comments and corrections (me in red. There are lots of them. It doesn't mean it's bad or that it all needs to be changed, i just like giving lots of feedback.
+ Show Spoiler +
Stephen was drunk, his head pounding. His wife giving him an earful in the driver’s seat beside him. this is an incomplete sentence, and while that is surely a rule that can be broken, having a single active verb feels much better to me The usual spiel of how he was wasting his life and how if he did not get his act together he would wake up one morning to find the kids gone and a simple note from his wife saying divorce papers were in the post. He did not want to hear this. He rubbed his temples, this is good description. i like showing more than telling, using verbs that describe an action or to convey feeling rather than using is/was the stale smell of his own breath making him taste vomit in the back of his throat. The jerking of the car as Mari grew angrier and her driving became more erratic. Mari slammed on the brakes at the red light, rain hammering on the roof of the car.
“Are you even listening to me?” Stephen shook from his trance, if he was shaken from a trance, might he not know most of what the previous paragraph tells us? I like starting here and working in the important bits from above where needed. his head lolled to its side to look at his wife. this is part personal preference, but I don't like using the infinitive of a verb when it can be avoided. "to look" could be changed to looking or an adjective/adverb such as "toward" as this will give more a sense of show over telling. “This has been going on for months now, every single night. Every single night I cry myself to sleep as you lie passed out from that bloody alcohol. Every morning I wake up and wonder, ‘Why on earth am I still in this house?’”
“Give me a fucking break!” I'd use an exclamation point here, if he's angry that just makes more sense to me. snapped Stephen, spitting out his anger. “My job is hard and I’ve got so much on my plate right now and I do not need this shit from you at two o’clock in the morning. I'd like to see the whole previous sentence more concise. i think of angry people not being very verbose. Maybe split this into three sentences removing the "and" from them. I do like the use of an ascending tricolon here Do you have any idea the stress I was under from my boss to close that deal today?” question mark
“Oh boo-hoo!” retorted Mari. “Your job is hard!? Do you have any idea what it is like raising two kids?” Stephen opened his mouth but Mari cut him off. “No, of course you wouldn’t.” This argument is a very typical sort of argument. while i don't know myself whether that aspect helps or hurts, I'd like to see you experiment and try some less stereotypical arguments. Fighting about something unusual that might show some insight into one character or the other. He can still be drunk of course. But a less familiar sort of argument could include a hook for the reader. I'd just recommend writing a couple possible scenarios for an opening argument and comparing them to one another to see what fits best, is most exciting, or helps convey what you want the reader to see in your characters, maybe this is it and maybe it's not, but it's hard to know without seeing other options.
Stephen’s head fell to his chest as silence fell between them. Mari looked over at him as she pulled away from the lights. You use "look" a lot. Try mixing it up a bit with a couple other verbs, glanced, gazed, saw, etc. Mari’s anger started to become overshadowed by the guilt and sadness for what she had said. Avoid passive sentences when you can. ex: Mari's guilt and sadness from what she said overshadowed her anger. have the subject of the sentence doing the action rather than having the acting being done upon it. It gives a more direct feeling to what is happening in the scene and gets rid of unnecessary helping and linking verbs that do more telling than showing She loved him, she really did, comma but she could not cope any more. She had to shock him somehow because nothing was working so far. The sound of the gravel crunching underneath the car was a relief as she pulled into the driveway. She stopped the car and turned off the ignition. knowing from the end of the story, I wonder how important Mari's thoughts and expressions are since she is about to be found dead. She obviously needs some characterization, but the previous few sentences don't seem to matter that much and could probably be reduced. She turned to Stephen to apologize and saw him sleeping. Passed out seems more appropriate, considering. She sighed and pulled the blanket from the back seat and laid it over him. Mari went to the house and checked the kids, they were still asleep. Moving to the bedroom she collapsed to the floor back against the bed, where the tears began once more. from the sound of this it sounds like she leaves him in the car with the blanket, but he wakes up in bed the next morning. Obviously something happened to get him to his bed. It doesn't have to be explained here, because it could be more important to reveal the whys later, I'd just make sure to address this at some point.
Stephen was awoken by the sunlight coming through the cracks in the blinds. get rid of "was awoken." how about something like "sunlight cracked through the blinds and woke Stephen."? something I do as a writer in my works is i look for "was" or whatever form of the verb I am using, and see if I can make that sentence without it. He rolled over to his side, Mari was not there. He sighed and rubbed his bloodshot eyes, he pulled himself up. The hangover swept over him and he almost fell to his feet. is there a way you can show the hangover sweeping over him more action-like without explicitly stating it? He steadied himself and looked around the bedroom. He did not even remember how he got here. Stephen looked down at the clothes he had been wearing from the night before as the flashes came back again. He remembered arguing with Mari again. He cursed and made his way slowly out of the bedroom, his hands running along furniture and the walls to aid him into finding the door. He reached it and his hand fumbled around the door knob as he tried to grasp it. Redundant. leave the reader to infer the purpose of some things, it should be clear what he is trying to do by saying what he is fumbling with. The effort to turn it felt monumental and he almost fell over as he fought the door open. He passed Mia and Allison’s room and barely managed to reach the stairs. Stephen took infinite care shuffling down each step, foot by foot, as both hands clasped around the bannister one "n' in banister. hoisting his body along with his feet.
Stephen sighed in relief as he finally reached the ground floor; he could feel the sweat trickling on his brow. The television was on but Mari was not in sight. He shuffled towards the kitchen and shouted out Here I would include what he shouted, a "Mari?" "Honey?" or "Hon?" and then end it with a period. that way there is a stronger pause effect/feeling for the reader before seeing that there is no answer/response. Suspense. but there was no answer. He looked over to the kitchen and saw nothing through the archway. He walked closer and shouted once more. "Mari" "Honey" "Hon" Stephen shrugged and turned walked? returned? Turning feels to me like turning in place and he should have seen her already. back towards the television to see Mari staring at him. Stephen smiled and sat in his favourite chair.
“I am sorry about last night,” Stephen started, when he noticed Mari had not moved. “Mari?” Stephen pulled himself over on his knees and found himself looking into lifeless eyes. Stephen shook her and Mari’s head toppled over to reveal the wound on the side of her neck, Stephen could not move. The tears filled his eyes and he shook her again. “Baby?” Stephen put his hand on her neck, blood soaked hands frantically searching for a pulse. He noticed the small red patch on her chest, a hole in her t-shirt. “Mari!?” Tears erupted and he gargled his anguish as it tried to find a voice. Stephen leaned over and kissed the cold lips of his wife. I don't know if I like the kiss here. Maybe he would grip or press her body to his chest. Or tightly hold her face to his cheek. Some other display of both affection and loss. A kiss just feels like a weird thing to do to a dead body, even a loved one
He did not hear the footsteps on the stairs but all it took was a single sound to shake Stephen into a vague state of reality. I don't know what this means. What is his vague state of reality? Show us what this is.
“Dad?" I like "Daddy" coming from a young, or really any, daughter. Personal preference though. Gives different voices to different characters more easily.
I was also going to include an overall summary of thoughts, good and bad, about the piece. but my lunch break is over and I have to get back to work. I'll return later to add that in.
Also if you have any question or want elaborations, feel free to ask.
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EPT
