Demuslim moving back to Europe

Hello

Where to start this off, I'll never know - This is probably the 5th re-start attempt I've had, but hey I'll just go with it! -- Feels comfortable to let you know I'm struggling a little with how to put this one forward .

Yesterday was my Birthday, and there's a few I've learnt since turning 24. A) - I can no longer sing "What's my age again" as truly as I once did.
And B) - The idea that you have to like everybody's FB post on your wall on your birthday, because if you don't it somehow means you don't like them lol. (I found this out yesterday, Who knew?)
And I guess on a serious note. C) - Time really does go by awfully fast.

I guess the first thing I should say is, that I'm moving back to Europe at the start of February. I love America, I really do. I love it with all my heart and I owe it so much, I am sad to be letting it go.
Before coming to America -- I can quite happily admit to the fact that I was a plonker.
And that's putting it politely. I just came 1st at I41 winning 3000 pounds, 3rd at EPS winning roughly 1300 Euros and then I joined EG, life looked like it was going pretty swell.
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http://www.tatazu.com/attachments/2010/11/3500_201011241255031pIH7.png

http://www.fragster.de/de/esport/coverages/esl-pro-series/season-17/finals/galerie/samstag/26-cloud-demuslim-interview-take.jpg
(some cool photos!)

Within a month my first tournament took place under the EG logo -- Unfortunately leading up to the event I had little to no practice and was quite content with the fact that I qualified to the event.
My new Roommate Kevin at the time and I traveled to the event separately, as EG booked my flight and ESL his. Though I set off on my journey 4 hours earlier, I also got to Kiev Ukraine 4 hours later - I wasn't in the best mood, and didn't even have a jersey for the event. The first night we decided it was a great idea to drink a little to relax, the "little" part of that conversation ended up turning into "A lot" and the night ends up with me and Kevin arriving at our apartment at 7:45 in the morning singing "The boys are back in the town" waking up a commentator in the apartment.
We had to get up at 9:00 and head over to the event.

I was usually a responsible young man, careful with money, careful how I acted around people, I was the most careful person you could imagine. During this period of time and my climb to fame, well, one could think I was the perfect kid to go into the spot light -- Unfortunately I wasn't ready.
That morning, heading to the event I was drunk, exhausted and probably looked the worst I've done in a long time. I turned up for my games and didn't think I had a chance.
I had my opponents listed for the day - Naama (was the current DH winner) - Kas, and Merz. All 3 terrans more than capable of beating me on a good day, never mind one of these days.
I sat down and played, not a care in the world, had nothing to blame but myself and I tried to play the best that I could. After 3 surprising series, I walked away that day 3-0 and rank 1 in my group. I went to Kevin who was astonished, I myself couldn't believe what happened - and that day I told Kevin I need to take it easy tonight, I need to be serious this is a huge deal, he totally agreed and even took care of me for the day, mental advice and physical advice. The next morning after a good nights rest and a good breakfast - I went into my next few games while without any pressure seemingly, I was already through the group and could go 0-2 vs Tarson and Whitera and be all right still, not that I wanted that to happen, but it did. I lost - I was so confused, I put so much pressure on myself to perform well, that it didn't happen, and yet the day before on the brink of falling asleep at my chair I played some of the best games of my life.
I told Kevin we had to repeat the same thing we did the first day.
He knows I'm superstitious, as I have weird routines in the morning before I play and have to stick to them.
We ended up doing the same thing, getting back ridiculously early and heading to the event again totally not prepared. This time I was against Goody in a bo5 to move onto the Semi-final -- I went down 0-2 against his torturous mech style, and things looked bleak.
I took off my coat and decided that very moment I'm just gonna have to beat him with his own style - I ended up playing mech and recovering from a 0-2 deficit with a 3-2 victory, I was in the semi finals.

Obviously so happy with this victory - this meant I could go to the globals of IEM and represent EG and yet again. I was doing so well in this tournament despite my condition being terrible, but somewhere in my mind I didn't have to think anymore, I didn't have to worry - I just played.
After again, a pretty wild night - and again, very little sleep I got to the event the next day, I was against whitera whom I already lost to in the groupstage, and I was up 2-1. I ended up falling ever so short of the mark and lost 2-3. I had to play Tarson for 3rd place and I was happy to be playing him - He beat me also earlier, but I knew with how exhausted I felt now, I could play as reckless as I wanted to, and it worked out resulting in a 3-1 victory.
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Just turned 21, not a care in the world, earning money doing what I love, and seemingly doing it without trying was one of the coolest things I can ever possibly share with anyone. While that story is not one I've ever really come open about in a long time, and I cannot share specific details -- It is one that I have definitely used to look back and realize there was something deep in me that didn't worry about expectations or results, I just played to win.

Shortly after this stint at IEM -- I took practice incredibly serious, before I'd only play when I felt "good and ready" -- Meaning my ladder stats took on a whole different meaning of good stats. While I had far less games than everybody else, I loved the winning Percentage. After this tournament I realized I needed to play more, no matter how I felt -- This was a huge thing to deal with, as I became scared of losing and scared of playing, I needed to break that barrier and win.

Fortunately I have one of the coolest videos of me to date, despite it being In german for the most part (Take made it) - It's more poignant than most for me.


I don't think many people know this, but when I lived in Germany I didn't have internet at home - so I had to go to the ESL office daily to practice. I'd get there early in the morning, and leave when Kevin was finished with commentating -- That was my schedule. I was in a room full of ESL employees while I played SC all day. I got used to them coming over to watch me, ask me questions, ask me to commentate with them and even in this case Film me.
The video itself is a little outdated, Mechanically at the time I was very quick, by todays standards you can tell that everyone has improved. The thing that hits me pretty hard in this video is at the end of the game, I'm asked how much I practice - and how I do so well. I say what everyone knows, but I truly meant it - I play 30-40 games a day, more than everyone else and I watch new strategies in order to stay up to date and I try and stay ahead of the curb. That's all you can really do -- I was obviously very motivated as this was only a week or so after IEM (I'd been 21 for a week) - and what makes this video even more Poignant is the fact that, this was taken roughly 6 hours before I ended up breaking my arm.

That day was one of the worst of my life, and the fact I ended up breaking my arm again 5 weeks later hopefully goes to show that I was in a terrible, terrible place mentally.
I was eliminated from all tournaments, NASL's, IEM's, EPS you name it - I could no longer partake, EG weren't happy with me as I'm their new recruit and I seemingly messed everything I was striving for, up. I was devastated.

(funny moment around 4:05)
This video is the day after I broke my arm for the second time and had surgery that morning. I look awfully pale -- and wasn't really allowed to leave the hospital, but did so to try apply for NASL.

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My arm looked like this for people that'd like to see .

Time went by, I let EG down, I let my friends down, I let Kev down - I let myself down. The only thing left to do, as going further down was no longer a direction to go was to pick myself back up.
I filled my idle time with studying and casting. I started eating better and treating myself better. I removed the bad parts of my life and replaced them with positive people.
(I remember vividly having my heart jump up to my throat as I received a text while going into my booth to play cloud that read quite simply - I don't like you anymore) -- Needless to say the timing could have been better .

Time moved on, as did my focus. I knew my team was focusing on America - and over a random conversation with Sirscoots, I said I'd like to live in the team house that's opening up.
He immediately responded far more positively than I could have imagined, and within weeks plans had already arose of my staying there.
I was stoked, I had something positive to focus on, and I guess most importantly something to distract me from myself.

If I think about what went through my head about moving to America -- This pretty much sums it up all in one. (I love "Love Actually"

Now, based on some truth -- That does not mean every British guy ends up in a bed with 4 really hot chicks because of how he sounds, Plus one of those chicks is Elisha Cuthbert who was the love of my life at age 14, made the temptation all too great to not go.
I guess the coolest part about the accent, despite the fact it works on the ladies sometimes - is that my friends react to it in the same way every time -- How on earth do you do that Ben!?!?!?
I'd be clueless that I was doing anything most of the time, but it was pretty sweet .

Little bit of Geoff talking about my accent.

Time swiftly moved on in America - Practice was good, I was learning to use my arm again, even fell on it again at one point which sucked and Anna had to clean me up! (Thanks Anna)


Time moved on pretty quickly at this point, I was the new kid on the block with a smile where ever I went, I was really happy with myself. I ended up getting handcuffed, shackled and jailed at one point when trying to enter the country eliminating the possibility of entering a lot of tournaments, but I didn't let that stop me .
I had great support through rough times, I ended up coming back shortly after that and gave one the legends of our time Nestea one of the greatest games in history, and swiftly moved on.
I never handled defeat well --

http://i.imgur.com/7a0at.jpg

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Something I never truly came to terms with I guess, which is why I tried to make it happen as infrequently as it could.

Time again moved on, and I seemingly hit a place where I couldn't hit tournaments I wanted to go to - I could no longer visit these European countries to see friends, attend tournaments and do what I loved so much due to travel restrictions.
While the time I spent in America was filled with great things for me that I'll never forget, the great friendships that once were, the great friendships that could have been - the people I've fell in love with, the people that I've learnt so much from, I feel that it's time to move on, and to enjoy the time that I have left doing what I love.
I love that you guys embraced me so naturally when I had hard times, I also love the fact you guys cheered me on when I did well -- despite it not being half as often as I'd have liked.
The fans, I really really thank you for everything you've done for me - and I'll never ever forget all the good that's come in my life, as you were a huge part.

While I rambled on for a long time, I really hope everyone knows how much they meant to me -- Times are never super easy, and I recently went through a patch thinking I've felt everything there is to feel, the lowest of lows and the highest of highs -- maybe everything from this point will only be a fraction as pleasant, or a fraction as sad? -- I came to realize that was my scumbag brain, and once you've felt as good as you possibly can, you're more likely to feel it again, just down a different avenue maybe .
I don't really have regrets, but I did indeed make mistakes, so for that I am really sorry, I was a life noob, and everything I experienced was new to me, and a majority of my life seemed to be visible for you guys to see, both the good and the bad.
How can you expect a young 20-23 year old to not make mistakes when what he's dealing with is all not just new to him, but new to the world.

I'm glad I came to America, I'm glad I enjoyed it. My experience living as Colin Frissell maybe not quite as crazy as his, I definitely enjoyed mine just as much .

Wow, huge story - Hope you enjoyed it! -- I really want to be the guy that I know I can be. This Vacation I'm having is to get ready for the work I know I'm going to have to put in. I'm looking forward to it .

See you in Europe --

Friends -- I love you, I'll think about you always.
Fans - Well you guys are basically friends .

Take care