EPT
http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=27358
If you are having trouble with contextual references...(especially the references to the images)then I'd advise you to read that thread.
Here is the story which I wrote when I was doing English work due the next day. I was feeling bored yet creative so I had to write it.
So here it is.
Klogon's Prom Adventure
In a land far away from my own, I am forced to recount an incredible tale of misfortune...of bad choices made and bad consequences resulting. Klogon
Klogon needed a date for the prom...but he didn't think with his mind. He thought with a certain part of his anatomy, one which is only good for two things, spreading the seed...and constructing large houses. Klogon due to his callow state at the time did not take a girl who had good APM, and thus the story begins...................
"If she doesn't have good APM then don't even bother, I mean girls with low APM are quite obviously newb."
So here is the scenario, you and your newb date are walking down the boardwalk along side the balustrade and suddenly...crack in the warm pacific waters, a freak iceberg has struck the ship...ok, it's not imminent at the moment. There is a little bit of panic but it subsides because the captain gives the all clear over the PA system that utilizes Technomad Vernal Loudspeakers with these specs
Size: 9.1" x 6.1" x 6.1"
Weight: 8.5 lbs
.
Freq. Response: 100 Hz - 18 KHz (+/- 2 dB)
Sensitivity: 91 dB SPL (1W/1M, swept sine)
Continous Power : 60 Watts (based on EIA test 426B)
Dispersion: 120 x 120
Impedance: 8 ohms (nominal)
Connector: 1 x Screw Terminal
HF Driver: 1" horn-loaded ceramic driver (NO DOME TWEETER!)
LF Driver: 5" custom polypropylene driver
The distortion would be quite loud because the n00b driver has actually been using a Shure SM58 professional recording microphone with a Behringer Tube Ultragain Preamp, which is inferior for such a class mic. The distortion is what will cause problems later on. The said distortion will be sent around the boat, and attract the attention of a very angry dolphin who has recently contracted several venereal diseases due to the fact that dolphins are the only other mammal that have sex for pleasure.
Sure, the nature of these venereal diseases are unknown, perhaps even a discarded condom from the prom/cruise ship which is of course a subsidiary brothel because of probably what girls at that age would consider to be a romantic thing, so the guys see it as a chance to hump left right and centre...and like since its a prom it's like a final thing of high school ever.. emotions are running high and people are having a good time...alcohol has been slipped in by that creepy kid at school, who is now the coolest guy on the ship...he's hiding behind a row of lifeboats passing out free Jager to passers by...he is a little left out, but he'll meet the right girl eventually...the Jager has powers if consumed/drunk in large quantities.
The dolphin in question was just at the surface getting more oxygen for his next dive, a little mad he senses/not only hears the distortion of the microphone...but he disregards it for now.
Back on the ship, Klogon is busy making random poses in front of his girl and wondering why the big girl isn't naked and/or trying to attach herself to him at this particular moment. (In fact no one really knew that the token white guy and her hooked up in cabin 55A which was beside the two old people who smelled somewhat like burnt anus on a midsummer's evening. The stains they left on the bed are at a later date crucially important to this story, but not until the reader is fully aware of what is going on.
The party is in full swing, the teachers have all resorted to acting like they are in the movie Titanic (pretty much, they all drown). No one really notices the teachers, because amidst all the partying, drunkenness (thanks to the creepy guy and all the human pheromones in the air.)
(A side note, pher•o•mone: A chemical secreted by an animal, especially an insect, that influences the behavior or development of others of the same species, often functioning as an attractant of the opposite sex.)
(A side, side note: Human pheromones can only occur in special instances such as on cruise ships on prom night/week cruising around like pimps.)
Back in cabin 55A there are actually some hardcore pheromones being excreted, but at the moment they smell mostly of cankles and bear shit.
Klogon decides to make the party more interesting and tries to act out the entire series with his buddies since he brought the whole wardrobe along, this does indeed mean that he brought orange, blue and white clothing and several thousand bright blonde wigs that looks like they'd had a rough and tumble with a drunken Irish policeman that lasted some 4 weeks, and is probably still likely to be going. Now this is about a date that Klogon could have brought with low APM...so basically his n00b date is standing there acting amused, being all hot (but low APM, there are girls who are hot with high APM) and sexual. Klogon notices this and immediately starts doing a Backstreet Boy imitation but it suddenly goes wrong and he ends up making a facial expression that would never once be repeated again in history, it would look something like a cross between a cows left shoulder on a pasture comprised 44.5% of uncut grass and 65.5% speckled with a rare molecule known as "Petofalanaskanid" (which was of ancient Aztec origin.) and a lepers left leg that has recently fallen off and been cremated and spread around at various random locations in the Sahara desert.
Speaking of the Sahara, many schoolmates of Klogon were so thirsty that they could have in fact just have been in the Sahara desert. So they drank something and that broke that link forever. The thing that they drank however is the thing of major importance.
It was indeed Absinthe...now Absinthe has somewhat of a history:
Absinthe combines the potency of hard liquor with both the thrill of a dangerous poison and a ritual elaborate as that of any intravenous drug's. The beverage even has an enticing street name: The Green Fairy. As an added bonus, it's been illegal in the U.S. for almost a century.
Over the years, celebrity endorsements from the likes of Aleister Crowley, Oscar Wilde, and Marilyn Manson have contributed to the drink's illicit reputation. Even better for its image, it was the subject of famous artworks by Degas, Manet, Van Gogh, and others. These paintings often depicted lethargic addicts, tending to their glasses of green milky death.
Confusing the matter somewhat, absinthe does contain a small quantity of wormwood oil, which in turn contains thujone. Thujone is a colorless liquid marked by an aroma not unlike that of Vicks VapoRub. Chemically, the molecule resembles the bastard child of menthol and THC. What's more, it is a virulent neurotoxin. When administered orally to mice, alpha-thujone produces lethality in 50% of subjects at a dosage of 87.5 mg/kg, making it about half as dangerous as fluoride (LD50 at 44.3 mg/kg). For this reason the FDA banned wormwood oil as a food additive, although for some reason they haven't banned sage oil, which also contains the dreaded compound.
It is assumed that in the good old days, absinthe contained lots and lots of wormwood oil. Nowadays, the drink is manufactured primarily in Europe and so is subject to regulation by the European Economic Union. The EEU's maximum allowable proportion of thujone in absinthe is 10 parts per million. Experts speculate that a century ago, 260 ppm was not unheard of. However, this is really nothing more than an educated guess, and some critics propose that 60 ppm was probably more like it.
Now the fact that these guys had just had Absinthe is a wild thought...due to the fact that these group of young men were actually the only group of people in the known world who had an almost infinitely rare condition called "Thunjoneifwedrinkitwegetdrunktimestenitis" which meant that if they drink it, they get drunk times ten to the normal amount someone would get drunk with a relatively small amount of Absinthe.
In their now somehow altered frame of mind, they decided to visit the captain in the control room...they somehow managed to convince him that they were indeed hijacking the ship, and that it would be good for the captain to agree with them, or they might get angry.
Since the captain suffered from an equally rare phobia called "Thunjoneifwedrinkitwegetdrunktimestenitisphobia" which means that he is scared of people suffering from Thunjoneifwedrinkitwegetdrunktimestenitis. Frozen with fear, he relieves his bowels and passes out.
Amused, the group of drunken (very drunken....ok pretty much comatose but still walking) students now proceeded to contemplate screwing around with the ships control panels...but instead one of the more spritely of the lot suggests that they mess around with the microphone that was used to transmit to the PA system. What they were going to do next really fucks shit up yo.
As has previously been mentioned...the distortion levels coming through the speakers from the control panel through the Behringer preamp as uttered from the Shure SM58 are bad...but this is made worse when the preamp's dB output is cranked right up to + 10 dB output and the Gain is pumped up to a massive +60 dB on the Gain crank. Luckily the limiter and 20 dB pad buttons were down due to a freak accident involving several pounds of Blu-Tac...which at the time weren't expecting to have any inclusion in this tale. (Had they not have been down, this would have not ended out the way it was meant to.)
The dolphin with the nasty venereal disease had just re-emerged from the water after having taken a rather short dive...perhaps 7.43234 minutes. Its hyper-sensitive ears picked up the waves of distortion like it was a truck hitting a small child that has wandered out of a house at night wearing all black clothing and wandered on to a road which is only traversed by the owners of the house themselves...and at life-threatening moments, large trucks such as the one aforementioned.
Anyhow, the waves of distortion had a strange effect on the dolphin...the venereal disease mixed with the emotion of anger (which most species possess) made it think that the cruise ship was indeed the "Rabid al Hakikera" which in Dolphin prophecy reads something like "Destroyer of all Dolphinkind". The prophecy also had a tagline which read something like this: "Proceed to call all of the Dolphins in the ocean using a sonar line of communication to your area, and destroy the Rabid al Kakikera". So of course being the prophetically versed Dolphin in a state of righteous indignation that it was, it proceeded immediately to call all of the dolphins in the entire ocean to it's area to launch an assault on the prom cruise ship Klogon and his school was now 'promming' on.
Klogon and his friends were all of course too busy posing as the "Ginyu Force" from popular anime series: Dragonball Z to notice or even care about any of this. Especially when the group of drunken young students yelled "Woooooooooo" over the PA system and caused the start of a series of events that Lemony Snicket would call unfortunate. I would call them dangerous and harmful to the extent that talking to a priest as a small child is dangerous and harmful. (This is quite dangerous.)
The students in the cabin now passed out along side the captain (this is completely irrelevant).
The creepy guy passing out free beer behind the lifeboats found true love at this moment. (This is also completely, completely irrelevant).
This is when the trouble will start to occur, a few slight tremors...a few large thuds...a few large gray bottle-nosed battle dolphins ripping someone's arm off...and everyone is talking.
Now there is a bit of a panic...the dolphins somehow have managed to surmount the 50 foot high ship sides and thick and difficult-to-climb balustrades and are now launching themselves on deck...and using their sheer numbers to club people to death with tail, large nose and high pitched whines (to induce deafness)...there is chaos everywhere...chaos that even the Ginyu Force, Charlie's Angels and The Backstreet Boys cannot overcome without shitting their pants and being deemed useless.
In Cabin 55A the big girl and the token white guy are now together...having run away from a small Indian River Dolphin in the corridors. The Indian River Dolphin is classified in the family Platanistidae. Known locally as susu, this dolphin is restricted to the Indus, Ganges, and Brahmaputra rivers of India. These animals are nearly blind—they lack eye lenses and their eye openings are no bigger than a pinhole. As a result, they rely almost entirely on echolocation to forage for food and navigate in the murky river waters.
Because of its honed echolocation abilities...it worked really effectively and menacingly in the corridor the two future lovers were forced into. So they made their way into Cabin 55A (Next to the old people who smell like soiled-nappies that have left in the sun for 48 hours in Death Valley, Nevada.
Admist all the worry, panic and dire circumstances...the token white guy finds some attraction to the rather large girl in front of him. Little does he know, she'd bone any guy...so he doesn't have to even speak...she throws himself on him (he couldn't move properly for several hours after the lovemaking session, sometimes even during it).
The stains/secretions they left on the blanket that I said were crucially important earlier...still are crucially important and this is how:
A rare type of human pheromone (even rarer than ever thought possible) was excreted by these two lovebirds. This pheromone was indeed the most powerfully seductive pheromone ever known to dolphinkind...even as powerful as to override the insane urge for killing of the prophecised "Rabid al Hakikera". It was known as rectaljamcomesfromboningafattymone. The whole lovemaking session lasted mere minutes...just the right amount of time for enough rectaljamcomesfromboningafattymone to be secreted...enough for the entire population of dolphins in the entire world.
Saying she felt cold, token white guy wraps the blanket around her...and feeling daring...may haps even brave after his lovemaking conquest...(even if he couldn't move properly). The two lovers made their way to the corridor...keeping extremely alert...suddenly...dolphins everywhere...running (well...slip-jump-skating) towards them...
They ran like there was possibly no tomorrow (which solves hangover issues if there was indeed no tomorrow...) away from the hordes...yes hordes of dolphins’ slip-jump-skating towards them.
Token white guy, being a rather cunning fellow...somehow managed to devise in those short few minutes...that they were attracted to his date...somehow she resembled...a dolphin...or indeed a larger mammal. He was wrong however...it was the pheromone rectaljamcomesfromboningafattymone on the blanket now wrapped about her beefy shoulders.
Now out on the main deck...they saw many disabled/stunned students being encircled by a swathe of dolphins...but this circle of execution was not to be completed...even though the dolphins surely would have done it (thinking they were killing Rabid al Hakikera's children).
All the dolphins on the main deck and around the ship in unison let out a large cry that was: "OeOeOeOeOeOeOeOeOeOeOe" which is the same as the human term in both dialects it translates as: "I am indeed horny, and I cannot express it in words how horny I am at this point in time".
Klogon being the crazily good student at calculus that he is...devised that he could not actually use any calculus in this situation...and instead used his strong sense of smell to detect rectaljamcomesfromboningafattymone in the air...and realised that he had been studying this in chemistry just last week. (Co-incidence? No I don't think so.)
He shouted out to the big girl that she had to somehow lure the dolphins away with the human pheromone that he could smell and see (& even hear) on the blanket.
This was lucky at this point, because she was indeed one of the most flatulent and extraordinarily skilled artist in the art of anal derived, gastric propulsion. She was able to send the blanket flying with such a force, that it would have given Arnold Schwarzenegger a tough time to beat it even with him having a CPU which is a neural-net processor - a learning computer.
All the dolphins on the ship reacted to this as you would have expected...they turned and feeling the urge (to the nth degree) had to follow it even if it was now riding on thermals high above the ocean. The big girl had saved the day...as the dolphins slowly left the ship and left all of students alive...(dolphins have trouble manipulating objects and they aren't exactly hard-hitters...and they don't know the difference between unconscious and dead. The one guy who had his arm ripped off was a freak accident that only occurred because the dolphin had been launched with the exterior force of over a million dolphins. You could in fact call him: extremely unlucky)
The real dilemma was over...but the crisis wasn't over...one of the drunken students in the cabin...not having noticed any of this (due to being unconscious most of the time) was now up and messing with the ships navigational controls.
Noticing the change in direction almost instantly, Klogon and his girl bound up to the cabin to see the damage and who was tampering...the drunk student who had been tampering had served his purpose of fucking something else up and then passing out again. (Typical).
Klogon seeing that the ship was headed directly for land...rocky land...rocky green land...perhaps even Greenland (if the weather was right for it). He stepped up to the challenge, and pulled out a technical manual...a "How to Guide for Sailing: For People Suffering from Thunjoneifwedrinkitwegetdrunktimestenitisphobia". Using his ability to read text (i.e. TL.net posts) with extreme haste...he figured out the entire navigational control system for this massive cruise ship...
Since he could now only dictate to his girl what to do, due to him having to press hundreds of controls a minute, he told her to press 5 different buttons he couldn't reach (without the use of his penis) in rapid succession going in order...first she had to press 1, then control button 'A', then 2, then control button 'A' again..until she got to 4..then she would press 'A' again...the buttons were close together and easy to press...but try as hard as she might she could not press 1a2a3a4a fast enough to steer the ship off course before it crashed, at high speed, packing the weight of an unconscious, dolphin-bashed prom party...and possibly heavier things such as an engine...and the immense weight of all the jagermeister the creepy guy had snuck aboard...the ship was ruined and all the students died...expect for Klogon...who was now standing on a random hill...in Greenland...contemplating what could have been:
IF HE HAD CHOSEN A GIRL WHO HAD HIGH APM.
So remember, take a girl with high APM, or things like this could happen...
Oh and don't trust these guys. T_T
![[image loading]](http://www.aristov.com/photo/anim/sea/dolphin.jpg)
