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Bill307
Canada9103 Posts
On October 10 2007 14:12 Scorpion wrote:
But, this has happened to me for a long time now. I make a shitload of girl friends at the beginning of the year, but since I can't really make eye contact(thus, I don't really want to have conversations with them) plus the fact that I don't say hi(which is really just making them know that I have acknowledged their presence and maybe makes them feel good/want to get to know me better/have more conversations) makes these relationships extremely capricious and brief.
Another thing: correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you view every girl you meet as a potential girlfriend. You've really got to stop doing that.
First and foremost, you have to stop viewing yourself as a guy in need of a girlfriend. Rather, you have to be secure about your situation in life: basically, you are single, but you feel confident/secure that you will live happily ever after in the end (married to a smart and attractive girl, assuming that's what you want). E.g. maybe the source of your confidence is that you know you are an intelligent and kind person who works hard, and therefore you are a desirable person. One way or another, until you have this security, you will never have a good relationship with any girl (in fact, if you are not very physically attractive, I can almost guarantee you will never get a girlfriend at all, for as long as you feel insecure and in need of one).
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if ur not attractive don't worry
look at this guy he has gf for almost half an year
and she is smart, cool and really good looking 
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no seas puñetas wey.........no mames!!
forget that, it was just my inher been xD.
talking more seriously first at all you didnt say your age, if you are between 14-16 its kinda normal, because the lack of confidence in middle puberty, but if you are less, or more that age you are in a real problem and you SHOULD go to terapy, im not laughing at you, its a real and honest tip, but if you dont feel you need it i suggest just to go to diferent places, where noone knows you and try to speak to girls a little younger than you, thats a 1st step ( not kindergarden 'course) another option is to get a hooker, i know it sounds stupid, but you can talk to her and get a nice BJ ( dont fuck'er its dangerous). if your father is alive try to speak to him, a father can be cool in sex stuff and he will feel proud if you are succesfull with women. i know in general the things i said sounds stupid, but believe it or not its true at leats in OUR culture man.
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I know exactly what your experiencing. Everyone's shy, but the important thing is, you should take that feeling of nervousness, insecurity, and fear to your advantage. Most of us find it hard escaping shyness because it probably feels safer since you are not taking any risks. However, if you want to change and become a confident person, you will have to take risks. Without risks, you cannot move forward in life. Just like when all living things slow down and cease to change, they degenerate, and decompose, and so will you. If you delay things, your simply giving up the possible chance and the potential to escape that fear, and meeting someone who honestly respects and enjoys your company.
Another thing that most shy people do, including me, is we consider other people as being superior to us. We think if we make a mistake in front of them, the possibility of friendship or closer relationship is all lost. That is absolutely not true. Their opinion or reaction from talking to you has nothing to do with you. If it turns out to be negative, It's mostly based off from their own previous experiences and the mood they are in at that very moment. Besides, they will forget about everything next time they see you or talk to you. Only you will remember because you are putting all that energy and focus into anxious feelings. Those energy and focus could be better utilized by opening yourself to the listener, and giving them respect. That is making eye contact, avoiding weird unnecessary body movement, and not putting your hands in your pocket (probably the worst you can do because this body language means = please I'm not interested, I don't want to talk to you). Almost forgot, clasping your hands as if you are praying to SC gods for help ain't gonna give you GG in conversations. But anyway, it's really up to you. If you break the ice now, things will be much easier from now on and you will notice that by taking the initiative to speak to others first rather than waiting for a "hi" from them, they will generally be happy to talk to you and probably ask how you are doing, which makes the conversation alive and easy for you to say something back. From there on, it's just basically responding and exchanging questions/answers.
My professor told my class couple days ago that "Art is true Art, which does not seem to be Art."
His basically saying that Art (in this case, socializing) is best when expressed naturally as if it's coming from nature. When you see progamers play Starcraft, you wonder how they are able to execute those goodly micro moves and key strokes so accurately and effortlessly. At first they may seem superior to you, but if you just stop and think for a moment, you will soon realize they were once just like all of us: average players, enthusiasts or whatnot. But because they have so developed their artifice in playing Starcraft, they appear to be acting naturally, perhaps even supernatural. Just like them, if you have the desire to succeed or improve yourself on a certain area, you gotta give it some effort, I mean like through your actions. You might be aware of all this already, but just knowing it vs. actually applying what you know or learned is a totally different scenario. So go out there, mingle, chat, compliment, and don't forget, be yourself. You had the courage to ask TL.net and share your problems, so I expect no problems.
Hope that helped.
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When my gf jumps on top of me when I'm laying down she will sometimes just stare at my face or into my eyes or whatever. I find this really annoying (my mom has always done this stare at you shit since I was a kid too). She won't say anything, just stare at me with a blank look, I can't and don't want to stare back. She does this especially A LOT when she or I are trying to kiss or whatever. I always ask her why the fuck shes just staring at me or just say "what?!" and she never says anything or explains what the fuck she is trying to do. What do you think she does that for>?
Anyways for some advice, I would suggest saying "hey bitch" or whatever when you meet a girl. This kinda forces you to watch her eyes to see a reaction. Then laugh it off. Any jokes or anything also work in this same manner.
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On October 10 2007 12:51 Scorpion wrote:
Well, I'll just get to the point, I've never been able to stare into someone's eyes...
That might be pushing it too much, but I can't face someone and look at their eyes while they talk. I get really nervous(even with my friends) and I just look away. This isn't really a BIG problem but it's extremely annoying. I also have another huge fucking problem. I can't say "Hi" to any female friends. If I end up doing so(which I've tried), my voice gets really deep and I sound like a dumbass, and if they engage in conversation with me, I can't look into their eyes so they think I'm ignoring them and I end up losing a lot of opportunities.
Any help is welcome ;(
get really drunk and try
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Sydney2287 Posts
On October 10 2007 13:57 Hot_Bid wrote:
Pretend you are a silverback gorilla and if you break eye contact with a challenger you lose control, social status, and drop in the gorilla hierarchy.
Well actually serious or not as that is, it reminds me of something I read here once and decided to try out in real life. Someone once posted, can't remember where but that's not important, that when talking to someone, whoever breaks initial eye-contact will always react to the 'winner' of that initial eye contact trying to make eye contact again. Or in other words, person A and person B meet. Person B looks away first. Person A then looks at what he/she is doing and then looks back to person B. Person B looks up to meet As eyes almost always. If person B was to try initiate second eye contact, person A will only meet the eyes of B if they want to, they won't feel compelled to.
I used to work in service, on registers, so I actually tested this out over a few shifts, both by holding eye contact till they broke it, and then reiniating, and also by breaking it first, and then trying and failing to reinitiate.
In face one time to really test it out I held eye contact, then looked away, then at them until they met my eyes, then away again, back, away, back and on and on. It was incredibly amusing to see them looking up-down-up-down depending if I was looking at them or not.
But yeah, relating this more to the OP, I have always been able to look people in the eye, but sometimes it did feel awkward, until I tried testing that theory and then ever since then I've never had that awkward feeling return (except once or twice, but for unrelated reasons).
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You my friend need CONFIDENCE.
Talk to every girl you see, hell even every guy and you'll improve I promise
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
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Australia3818 Posts
Pop being a Stussy.
Just like, pretend like you own the place...the place you are...and just be like "Get outta my office bitch."
That'll work.
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Maybe you just don't know what info you'll send by looking straight into their eyes (it usually means confidence and seriousity).
Go read some books about body language. After that you must think what you want to transmit to a certain person and then do so. It is now easy it takes time but after a while it will become natural for you to be able to send what info you want through body language. 90% of the communication is non-verbal and 70% is inconcious communication (throught body language the most).
For example when you have a business conversation with someone, a conversation with a girl you like or a conversation with a buddy you must use different styles of looking (from straight into his eyes, to his forehead to his/her lips and doing a triangle betwen eyes and lips etc).
Also read KoveN-'s post, quite interesting. I suffered from social anxiety also, and it almost developed into social phobia.
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Oh, i forgot to add that sometimes looking directly in people's eyes on the street is not a good thing as it might denote that you feel superior to some persons with problems (life problems, bad status etc) and/or suffering from inferiority complex. They might feel very offended about it and you can get your ass kicked (semi-happened to me but happened to alot of other people).
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Australia3818 Posts
But Pika Chu...I've also heard that making eye-contact with someone will make them not want to mug you or something like that. As in, if you look at your 'would-be-attacker' in the eyes, they choose to bypass you and get someone else who doesn't look them in the eyes.
Heard that in everyday life, not sure of its accuracy...or even why it'd be the case.
But enjoy my short piece of information.
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it subconsciously links with your self-image. you need to fix that and turn the tables so you have control of every person/conversation
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On October 10 2007 13:57 Hot_Bid wrote:
Pretend you are a silverback gorilla and if you break eye contact with a challenger you lose control, social status, and drop in the gorilla hierarchy.
I was gonna say opposite. When people question you, tell them you're like a wolf. Tell them that by them looking you in the eyes, you take it as a threat and will cut out their throat.
Although kenngit's advice sounds almost as good
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I really feel sorry for you . People can be so harsh to people that don't stick up for themselves. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, but respect is something you have to force sometimes. You have to get your self-esteem up, as well as your confidence.
Don't feel ashamed to get proffessional help if you can't figure it out yourself. I'm sure some kind of therapy will help you, better than anyone here can do. But don't let this discourage you to ask all you want of course!
Best of luck,
arie
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you have shyitis. better go get checked out
seriously thoughso far Ken's advice sounds good why dont you try that and report back, soldier.
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there no such thing that i love more than looking my girl friend in her eyes
on the other hand.. i dont like looking into the eyes of strangers, though..
but remember.. every stranger is a friend u have yet to meet
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what kennigt said worked for me in the past, but relies on you not being depressed and having the energy to do it. you dont need to focus on any 'accomplishments', you just have to make-believe that you're an indestructable superman johnny bravo! and then go with the vibe you get from it.
maybe you should tell ur IRL friends that u find it impossible to hold eye contact...like casually as part of a conversation...and then ask if you can practice on them and stuff. really you should have friends you can talk to about something like this, it's so trivial and silly you should laugh about it
xx
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Baltimore, USA22254 Posts
On October 10 2007 18:02 Nickisonfire wrote:Show nested quote +On October 10 2007 12:51 Scorpion wrote:
Well, I'll just get to the point, I've never been able to stare into someone's eyes...
That might be pushing it too much, but I can't face someone and look at their eyes while they talk. I get really nervous(even with my friends) and I just look away. This isn't really a BIG problem but it's extremely annoying. I also have another huge fucking problem. I can't say "Hi" to any female friends. If I end up doing so(which I've tried), my voice gets really deep and I sound like a dumbass, and if they engage in conversation with me, I can't look into their eyes so they think I'm ignoring them and I end up losing a lot of opportunities.
Any help is welcome ;( get really drunk and try
Actually that's the same advice I was going to give. Liquid courage ftw. I used to be in the same boat, especially when it came to talking to girls... drank to the point where I didn't care anymore and wasn't nervous, and it worked like a charm. The 'artificial' confidence eventually translated into my normal (sober) persona, and now I'm pretty confident in anything I do.
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