Well, I'll just get to the point, I've never been able to stare into someone's eyes...
That might be pushing it too much, but I can't face someone and look at their eyes while they talk. I get really nervous(even with my friends) and I just look away. This isn't really a BIG problem but it's extremely annoying. I also have another huge fucking problem. I can't say "Hi" to any female friends. If I end up doing so(which I've tried), my voice gets really deep and I sound like a dumbass, and if they engage in conversation with me, I can't look into their eyes so they think I'm ignoring them and I end up losing a lot of opportunities.
hmm i have the same problem.. staring someone in the eye makes it feel like they looking at me wierd or something i dunno... i try to move when i talk so i don't seem like a total dumbass
Ok, this is a confidence issue. And there is one sure cure that i've had great success with when helping people with similar problems.
psych yourself out. Think of how fucking awesome you are and that you are doing anyone you look a massive favour just to be in your presence. It's almost like you create an alterego for yourself that you learn to breakout when put under the pressure of it. Normally im somewhat shy but am able to lecture and give speeches to audiences 300+ because of it.
Just sit down for like 10 mins each morning and think of how great you are, all your accomplishments and everything you have going for you and that because your that great you are going to share a little bit of it with others. This all may sound incredibly arrogant, and it is. However, with confidence issues like this you need to dive into the deep in and then calibrate your attitude. You dont need to portray this attitude outloud, just keep it in your head.
At first it may feel awkward but just stick with it and you'll be ballin in no time at all.
I have the same problem. When people I don't know talk to me I get the impression that they think I'm an arrogant jerk or something because I can't look them in the eyes. And when I talk to people I'm not comfortable with I just sorta mumble or do the deep voice thing you mentioned.
Lately I've been trying to force myself to look people in the eyes and I'm getting used to it, but it still doesn't feel natural.
Get a job where you need to maintain eye contact with customers/guests e.g., serving at a restaurant or some sort of customer service in retail. This will force you to do it and you'll get the practice in.
On October 10 2007 12:52 -WGT-Stars- wrote: stare at their forehead :D
That works very well. Just don't look at their chest =P
Haha I do this all the time. I don't know if it's subconscious or I just naturally dart my eyes downward from their eyes. Either way I always feel like an idiot afterwards.
you're not engaging in social activities enough. The more you do it, the more comfortable you will be. Try to always be in constant social interaction.
man, i have the same problem. don't look people in the eyes enough. it's ok with people i know, but i'm terrible with like older people. my speech slurs as the throat drys up. but i think getting a job involving public interaction would help alot.
I found out my "problem" when I was having a conversation with my dad and he told me to look him in the eyes(because I was listening to him talk and was just staring at the wall) and I did... for like 4 seconds.
This is a self esteem and confidence issue. Do you also find you sometimes don't know what to say in social situations? You may be suffering from Social Anxiety.
Basically it stems from negative thinking and maybe past emotional traumatic experiences earlier in life.
The thing is, it will get worse if you don't do anything about it. In most situations practicing it over and over again will not help. How many times have you tried to do these things that cause you anxiety? Probably every day and it doesn't get any better right?
Look up cognitive behavioral therapy in google or PM me for more info on how to treat it.
I suffered from the same things a few years ago. In my teens I developed terrible acne, which over time developed a belief within me that I was ugly and no one wanted to talk to me. When my acne cleared up I still had this emotional belief that I was ugly even though I was far from it so i had to change that belief with rational thinking, instead of my old negative thinking that stemmed from that belief.
Edit: Shit I started writing this after reading the 2nd post you people are fast xD
On October 10 2007 12:57 Kennigit wrote: Ok, this is a confidence issue. And there is one sure cure that i've had great success with when helping people with similar problems.
psych yourself out. Think of how fucking awesome you are and that you are doing anyone you look a massive favour just to be in your presence. It's almost like you create an alterego for yourself that you learn to breakout when put under the pressure of it. Normally im somewhat shy but am able to lecture and give speeches to audiences 300+ because of it.
Just sit down for like 10 mins each morning and think of how great you are, all your accomplishments and everything you have going for you and that because your that great you are going to share a little bit of it with others. This all may sound incredibly arrogant, and it is. However, with confidence issues like this you need to dive into the deep in and then calibrate your attitude. You dont need to portray this attitude outloud, just keep it in your head.
At first it may feel awkward but just stick with it and you'll be ballin in no time at all.
This might sound stupid, but smile when you say hi. I forgot the scientifice reasons, but saying things when you smile makes your voice higher, seriously. I mean you don't have to do it throughout the conversation, but just saying "hi" with a sincere smile can really make a difference cause girls just seem to love upbeat and happy guys.
It could be as much a habitual issue as a confidence issue - if you've never looked people in the eyes, then of course it's not going to be comfortable. Just tell one of your real life friends your problem (you might feel dumb, but generally friends are understanding), and proceed to have staring contests. Failing a friend... try a pet, or head out to the country to find a cow to practise on. Cows have the maddest staring ability ever.
I dunno, consciously thinking about doing stuff while your talking can be bad, especially if you already have problems. Then you feel even less natural and sound awkward. Practice is probably the only way though.
girls love it when u look at their face/eyes when talking btw;o
I suggest you set your mind to crazy mode at all times when in public. Be random and extreme, be completely pointless, but be confident in doing so Stuff like looking into people's eyes when you talk to them should seem easy once you are in a good loony phase.
On October 10 2007 12:57 Kennigit wrote: Ok, this is a confidence issue. And there is one sure cure that i've had great success with when helping people with similar problems.
psych yourself out. Think of how fucking awesome you are and that you are doing anyone you look a massive favour just to be in your presence. It's almost like you create an alterego for yourself that you learn to breakout when put under the pressure of it. Normally im somewhat shy but am able to lecture and give speeches to audiences 300+ because of it.
Just sit down for like 10 mins each morning and think of how great you are, all your accomplishments and everything you have going for you and that because your that great you are going to share a little bit of it with others. This all may sound incredibly arrogant, and it is. However, with confidence issues like this you need to dive into the deep in and then calibrate your attitude. You dont need to portray this attitude outloud, just keep it in your head.
At first it may feel awkward but just stick with it and you'll be ballin in no time at all.
nice, i will try this out too ^ ^ though I don't have such problems
btw kennigit could you continue please the girl guide in your blog some time? ^ ^
I like the replies in this topic. Yes, I think you should feel more confident in yourself, and just keep trying to look people in the eyes and to say "hi" to girls: it will feel more natural with practice.
Maybe this will also help: when you look people in the eyes, think of it as a way of showing them that you are interested in what they are saying (when they are talking to you) and that you would like them to hear what you have to say (when you are talking to them). You should aim to feel good about looking them in the eyes, the same way you feel good about being polite and courteous.
(Edit 2: updating this bit...) You don't have to look into their eyes constantly. When you are talking to them, eye contact is less important. But when you are listening to them, I'd say most people expect at least some level of eye contact, and generally you should be looking at their eyes most of (if not all of) the time. But if you are rarely looking into their eyes when they are talking to you, then I think most people (unless they know you) will interpret it as disrespect. So I agree with your assessment that it is a serious problem =/.
(Edit: DT edit failed miserably: making new post.)
Lastly, I actually focus on the midpoint between the two eyes. I've always assumed this was the "normal" way to look someone in the eyes. I've never heard of people focusing on only one eye before o_O.
Pretend you are a silverback gorilla and if you break eye contact with a challenger you lose control, social status, and drop in the gorilla hierarchy.
Hate to say it but theres no easy "trick" to get better at it.
First of all I get uncomfortable when people look me in the eyes for too long, so I look away. It's just natural. I'm slowly working towards looking in peoples eyes a little bit, but very slow pace because it is infinitely more important to me to feel comfortable and good than look someone in the eyes for their benefit. Or even my benefit of g3tting girlzorz!!
Most people aren't even aware if you look them in the eyes or not all the time , I mean if you're just staring at the floor that's different, but there's a whole spectrum of "eye looking"
So what if you feel more comfortable not looking someone in the eyes all the time, you know theres nothing wrong with looking away when you're talking to someone. Has anyone told you that you don't look in their eyes?
How do you know that other people think you are disinterested? Did one person tell you? Do you just "feel" that way. Well if you feel or think a certain way then it doesn't mean its true. Theres a thing called projection where you project thoughts and feelings onto other people and feel that what you are thinking and feeling is what other people are thinking and feeling, and that is untrue.
Yes people can read emotions, but not thoughts. They can tell that you "look nervous" but not "OMG KEKE he is scared about his smile and his voice cracked and hes scared about it what a NOOB LOLZ"
About the subconscious things like eye contact and body language. Well you know what. At least right now, I like to keep that stuff subconscious and it works itself out kinda. It's nice to be aware of my subconscious stuff sometimes, but It's also nice to forget about it.
So what if i want to put my head down at a party or not talk to someone or dance on the table in the middle of class (haven't done it but its kinda fun/scary to think about). If it makes me feel more comfortable then I'm going to do it (about eye contact.) That's just me.
Also how do you know that you sound stupid when you say hi to a girl. Just because you think that you sound stupid doesn't mean everyone does. She might be thinking the exact same thing about herself. You know stuff like voice changing pitch is human and it's like showing emotion. If your voice sounded "super confident" all the time then that would be boring and no one would like you. Emotion is a good thing to show, and weakness is what makes us human. I've gotten my best complements when I've shown weakness.
You don't even know what the "general public" likes. and i mean what if for instance some girl got uncomfortable because you looked in her eyes too much even though you think its the "right" thing to do. Well she wouldn't feel comfortable and you would miss an opportunity and you would feel stupid trying to get the whole "lets look at her eyes more" thing down.
With this whole pump yourself with confidence thing, it really bothers me. Yes it is arrogant, and I feel that its shortsighted. If you are finding flaws (arrogance) about your philosophy, then it isn't "the best" philosophy. It's not that bad, but it's like a trick to bypass your scaredness and your mind and body will tell you that it's a trick. What about trying to say to yourself normal things like "I am going to try my best and maybe I'll talk to some people I like today" instead of "OMG IM gonna onzerz that party.
Even if you did pump yourself up with confidence and you think you did great (confidence and telling yourself you did great go hand in hand). and people didn't even think you did a great job. Well you won't know because you're blinding yourself in confidence. It isn't important what other people think about a speech for instance, but if you are pumping yourself up with confidence for them and they don't even like it cuz you were too arrogant, than you just put yourself into a paradox.
I agree with the CBT response. If one can change ones thoughts such as "OMG she noticed my nervousness" to "maybe she is totally oblivious to my nervousness" to "I don't give a fuck, wow she has nice eyes" that is a slow transition of "healthier thinking"
It makes perfect sense to look at someone BECAUSE YOU WANT TO AND FEEL COMFORTABLE DOING IT. not because it's what your supposed to do, or that it's right, or that it gets you the most girlzzzzzzzzzxoxoxo. What matters is that you are feeling ok and doing what you want to do (or not doing what you want to do and not feeling ok) (or not doing what you want to do and still feeling ok) (or doing what you want to do and not feeling ok) That's really all that matters.
What girls really want is confidence, not "try to do everything so I look the most confident."
ROFL girl guide in blogs u r perverted The girl is not something that picks u up or u pick up When there is something between u two u'll get it. Such thing can be written only by some retired guy who thinks he is great. On ur thread - I have no idea what to suggest. But this with the greatness is ROFL MAO try for example to look at the mirror in ur eyes or something like that. Try to be more confident. It doesn't cost very much. The girls would like that
lol dude... u are just being a pansy. its not hard to force yourself to do something. when you are looking in someones eyes it probably gets you nervous because of what you are thinking about. when you look in someone's eyes focus on their EYES(actually just focus on one-- thats what i do). not what is going on. after a while it will become natural to look people in the eye when you talk to them.
Oh gawd, I just told one of my girl friends IRL that I have this "problem" and she responded with "you don't have to look at my eyes to have a conversation with me[insert smiley orgy here]."
As for saying "hi" to girls, when done casually it doesn't mean you are interested in them or vice-versa. Not at all. It's exactly the same as saying "hi" casually to a guy you know. If you'll allow me to make some assumptions here, I think the first step for you might be to stop putting these girls on a mental pedestal: they are your equals, the same as guys. Then just smile and say "hi" to be friendly, and think nothing else of it.
I tried saying "hi" this past week to my new girl friends and it sometimes turns out good, sometimes turns out FUCKING RETARDED HOLY SHIT WTF WAS I THINKING?
But, this has happened to me for a long time now. I make a shitload of girl friends at the beginning of the year, but since I can't really make eye contact(thus, I don't really want to have conversations with them) plus the fact that I don't say hi(which is really just making them know that I have acknowledged their presence and maybe makes them feel good/want to get to know me better/have more conversations) makes these relationships extremely capricious and brief.
On October 10 2007 14:12 Scorpion wrote: But, this has happened to me for a long time now. I make a shitload of girl friends at the beginning of the year, but since I can't really make eye contact(thus, I don't really want to have conversations with them) plus the fact that I don't say hi(which is really just making them know that I have acknowledged their presence and maybe makes them feel good/want to get to know me better/have more conversations) makes these relationships extremely capricious and brief.
Uhhh... well, your idea of the meaning of saying hi sounds way off :S.
Between acquaintances, it just means "I recognize you. You are a likeable person." It sounds like you are putting waaaay too much importance and meaning on such a simple, casual greeting.
So what exactly happens? They say hi to you and you (visibly/obviously) notice, but don't respond? That... that kind of implies you don't like them at all, not even as acquaintances =/.
If you want to get to know them better or have more conversations, then you're going to have to do more than saying "hi", because saying "hi" alone doesn't convey that message at all (unless you say it with a provocative tone or body language, of course). If you want to get to know them better or have more conversations, then you need to start more conversations with them.
For the eye contact, you can try starting with a simple exercise. Whenever you walk past a stranger on the street, try looking them in the eye. Chances are that they will either look away, or you two will maintain eye contact and walk past each other. If you keep doing this you will probably eventually get used to looking into people's eyes. Another fun thing to do is while looking at their eye, try to see what color their eyes are. This will make it easier, as you will be interested in the eye color, and to see what color it is, you need to see it. I used to have trouble looking people in the eye, and as a lot of people said, it's really a matter of confidence, and you should probably build that up too, but try a few simple exercises to get comfortable and your confidence may rise as a result anyway.
Also, you can try saying hi to strangers on the street too to get used to saying hi to people you don't normally say hi to, and you might get comfortable just saying hi to anyone normally.
On October 10 2007 14:12 Scorpion wrote: But, this has happened to me for a long time now. I make a shitload of girl friends at the beginning of the year, but since I can't really make eye contact(thus, I don't really want to have conversations with them) plus the fact that I don't say hi(which is really just making them know that I have acknowledged their presence and maybe makes them feel good/want to get to know me better/have more conversations) makes these relationships extremely capricious and brief.
Another thing: correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you view every girl you meet as a potential girlfriend. You've really got to stop doing that.
First and foremost, you have to stop viewing yourself as a guy in need of a girlfriend. Rather, you have to be secure about your situation in life: basically, you are single, but you feel confident/secure that you will live happily ever after in the end (married to a smart and attractive girl, assuming that's what you want). E.g. maybe the source of your confidence is that you know you are an intelligent and kind person who works hard, and therefore you are a desirable person. One way or another, until you have this security, you will never have a good relationship with any girl (in fact, if you are not very physically attractive, I can almost guarantee you will never get a girlfriend at all, for as long as you feel insecure and in need of one).
no seas puñetas wey.........no mames!! forget that, it was just my inher been xD.
talking more seriously first at all you didnt say your age, if you are between 14-16 its kinda normal, because the lack of confidence in middle puberty, but if you are less, or more that age you are in a real problem and you SHOULD go to terapy, im not laughing at you, its a real and honest tip, but if you dont feel you need it i suggest just to go to diferent places, where noone knows you and try to speak to girls a little younger than you, thats a 1st step ( not kindergarden 'course) another option is to get a hooker, i know it sounds stupid, but you can talk to her and get a nice BJ ( dont fuck'er its dangerous). if your father is alive try to speak to him, a father can be cool in sex stuff and he will feel proud if you are succesfull with women. i know in general the things i said sounds stupid, but believe it or not its true at leats in OUR culture man.
I know exactly what your experiencing. Everyone's shy, but the important thing is, you should take that feeling of nervousness, insecurity, and fear to your advantage. Most of us find it hard escaping shyness because it probably feels safer since you are not taking any risks. However, if you want to change and become a confident person, you will have to take risks. Without risks, you cannot move forward in life. Just like when all living things slow down and cease to change, they degenerate, and decompose, and so will you. If you delay things, your simply giving up the possible chance and the potential to escape that fear, and meeting someone who honestly respects and enjoys your company.
Another thing that most shy people do, including me, is we consider other people as being superior to us. We think if we make a mistake in front of them, the possibility of friendship or closer relationship is all lost. That is absolutely not true. Their opinion or reaction from talking to you has nothing to do with you. If it turns out to be negative, It's mostly based off from their own previous experiences and the mood they are in at that very moment. Besides, they will forget about everything next time they see you or talk to you. Only you will remember because you are putting all that energy and focus into anxious feelings. Those energy and focus could be better utilized by opening yourself to the listener, and giving them respect. That is making eye contact, avoiding weird unnecessary body movement, and not putting your hands in your pocket (probably the worst you can do because this body language means = please I'm not interested, I don't want to talk to you). Almost forgot, clasping your hands as if you are praying to SC gods for help ain't gonna give you GG in conversations. But anyway, it's really up to you. If you break the ice now, things will be much easier from now on and you will notice that by taking the initiative to speak to others first rather than waiting for a "hi" from them, they will generally be happy to talk to you and probably ask how you are doing, which makes the conversation alive and easy for you to say something back. From there on, it's just basically responding and exchanging questions/answers.
My professor told my class couple days ago that "Art is true Art, which does not seem to be Art." His basically saying that Art (in this case, socializing) is best when expressed naturally as if it's coming from nature. When you see progamers play Starcraft, you wonder how they are able to execute those goodly micro moves and key strokes so accurately and effortlessly. At first they may seem superior to you, but if you just stop and think for a moment, you will soon realize they were once just like all of us: average players, enthusiasts or whatnot. But because they have so developed their artifice in playing Starcraft, they appear to be acting naturally, perhaps even supernatural. Just like them, if you have the desire to succeed or improve yourself on a certain area, you gotta give it some effort, I mean like through your actions. You might be aware of all this already, but just knowing it vs. actually applying what you know or learned is a totally different scenario. So go out there, mingle, chat, compliment, and don't forget, be yourself. You had the courage to ask TL.net and share your problems, so I expect no problems.
When my gf jumps on top of me when I'm laying down she will sometimes just stare at my face or into my eyes or whatever. I find this really annoying (my mom has always done this stare at you shit since I was a kid too). She won't say anything, just stare at me with a blank look, I can't and don't want to stare back. She does this especially A LOT when she or I are trying to kiss or whatever. I always ask her why the fuck shes just staring at me or just say "what?!" and she never says anything or explains what the fuck she is trying to do. What do you think she does that for>?
Anyways for some advice, I would suggest saying "hey bitch" or whatever when you meet a girl. This kinda forces you to watch her eyes to see a reaction. Then laugh it off. Any jokes or anything also work in this same manner.
On October 10 2007 12:51 Scorpion wrote: Well, I'll just get to the point, I've never been able to stare into someone's eyes...
That might be pushing it too much, but I can't face someone and look at their eyes while they talk. I get really nervous(even with my friends) and I just look away. This isn't really a BIG problem but it's extremely annoying. I also have another huge fucking problem. I can't say "Hi" to any female friends. If I end up doing so(which I've tried), my voice gets really deep and I sound like a dumbass, and if they engage in conversation with me, I can't look into their eyes so they think I'm ignoring them and I end up losing a lot of opportunities.
On October 10 2007 13:57 Hot_Bid wrote: Pretend you are a silverback gorilla and if you break eye contact with a challenger you lose control, social status, and drop in the gorilla hierarchy.
Well actually serious or not as that is, it reminds me of something I read here once and decided to try out in real life. Someone once posted, can't remember where but that's not important, that when talking to someone, whoever breaks initial eye-contact will always react to the 'winner' of that initial eye contact trying to make eye contact again. Or in other words, person A and person B meet. Person B looks away first. Person A then looks at what he/she is doing and then looks back to person B. Person B looks up to meet As eyes almost always. If person B was to try initiate second eye contact, person A will only meet the eyes of B if they want to, they won't feel compelled to.
I used to work in service, on registers, so I actually tested this out over a few shifts, both by holding eye contact till they broke it, and then reiniating, and also by breaking it first, and then trying and failing to reinitiate.
In face one time to really test it out I held eye contact, then looked away, then at them until they met my eyes, then away again, back, away, back and on and on. It was incredibly amusing to see them looking up-down-up-down depending if I was looking at them or not.
But yeah, relating this more to the OP, I have always been able to look people in the eye, but sometimes it did feel awkward, until I tried testing that theory and then ever since then I've never had that awkward feeling return (except once or twice, but for unrelated reasons).
Maybe you just don't know what info you'll send by looking straight into their eyes (it usually means confidence and seriousity). Go read some books about body language. After that you must think what you want to transmit to a certain person and then do so. It is now easy it takes time but after a while it will become natural for you to be able to send what info you want through body language. 90% of the communication is non-verbal and 70% is inconcious communication (throught body language the most). For example when you have a business conversation with someone, a conversation with a girl you like or a conversation with a buddy you must use different styles of looking (from straight into his eyes, to his forehead to his/her lips and doing a triangle betwen eyes and lips etc).
Also read KoveN-'s post, quite interesting. I suffered from social anxiety also, and it almost developed into social phobia.
Oh, i forgot to add that sometimes looking directly in people's eyes on the street is not a good thing as it might denote that you feel superior to some persons with problems (life problems, bad status etc) and/or suffering from inferiority complex. They might feel very offended about it and you can get your ass kicked (semi-happened to me but happened to alot of other people).
But Pika Chu...I've also heard that making eye-contact with someone will make them not want to mug you or something like that. As in, if you look at your 'would-be-attacker' in the eyes, they choose to bypass you and get someone else who doesn't look them in the eyes.
Heard that in everyday life, not sure of its accuracy...or even why it'd be the case.
On October 10 2007 13:57 Hot_Bid wrote: Pretend you are a silverback gorilla and if you break eye contact with a challenger you lose control, social status, and drop in the gorilla hierarchy.
I was gonna say opposite. When people question you, tell them you're like a wolf. Tell them that by them looking you in the eyes, you take it as a threat and will cut out their throat.
I really feel sorry for you . People can be so harsh to people that don't stick up for themselves. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, but respect is something you have to force sometimes. You have to get your self-esteem up, as well as your confidence.
Don't feel ashamed to get proffessional help if you can't figure it out yourself. I'm sure some kind of therapy will help you, better than anyone here can do. But don't let this discourage you to ask all you want of course!
there no such thing that i love more than looking my girl friend in her eyes on the other hand.. i dont like looking into the eyes of strangers, though..
but remember.. every stranger is a friend u have yet to meet
what kennigt said worked for me in the past, but relies on you not being depressed and having the energy to do it. you dont need to focus on any 'accomplishments', you just have to make-believe that you're an indestructable superman johnny bravo! and then go with the vibe you get from it.
maybe you should tell ur IRL friends that u find it impossible to hold eye contact...like casually as part of a conversation...and then ask if you can practice on them and stuff. really you should have friends you can talk to about something like this, it's so trivial and silly you should laugh about it xx
On October 10 2007 12:51 Scorpion wrote: Well, I'll just get to the point, I've never been able to stare into someone's eyes...
That might be pushing it too much, but I can't face someone and look at their eyes while they talk. I get really nervous(even with my friends) and I just look away. This isn't really a BIG problem but it's extremely annoying. I also have another huge fucking problem. I can't say "Hi" to any female friends. If I end up doing so(which I've tried), my voice gets really deep and I sound like a dumbass, and if they engage in conversation with me, I can't look into their eyes so they think I'm ignoring them and I end up losing a lot of opportunities.
Any help is welcome ;(
get really drunk and try
Actually that's the same advice I was going to give. Liquid courage ftw. I used to be in the same boat, especially when it came to talking to girls... drank to the point where I didn't care anymore and wasn't nervous, and it worked like a charm. The 'artificial' confidence eventually translated into my normal (sober) persona, and now I'm pretty confident in anything I do.
On October 10 2007 12:53 Ghin wrote: practice? i mean i could write a big post with 50000 words saying you should practice, but i think this says it just as easily
On October 10 2007 12:57 Kennigit wrote: Ok, this is a confidence issue. And there is one sure cure that i've had great success with when helping people with similar problems.
psych yourself out. Think of how fucking awesome you are and that you are doing anyone you look a massive favour just to be in your presence. It's almost like you create an alterego for yourself that you learn to breakout when put under the pressure of it. Normally im somewhat shy but am able to lecture and give speeches to audiences 300+ because of it.
Just sit down for like 10 mins each morning and think of how great you are, all your accomplishments and everything you have going for you and that because your that great you are going to share a little bit of it with others. This all may sound incredibly arrogant, and it is. However, with confidence issues like this you need to dive into the deep in and then calibrate your attitude. You dont need to portray this attitude outloud, just keep it in your head.
At first it may feel awkward but just stick with it and you'll be ballin in no time at all.
you could do a color print out of peoples faces real life size and try practicing with that
i think its a little like stress and panic when i get infront of a big crowd. what i do is try to first give the speech to a friend, then maybe my parents or something.
one word, LIE. lie like there's no tomorrow. if you can look in people eyes when you lie then it's something wrong with your head; if you can't look them in the eyes even when you lie then that's the way you are so you'll just have to practice, persevere and ignore the failures.
Yea, i have the same problem and im also sure it has to do with confidence.
Also, when i see a nice girl and she looks at me, i usually look away if she's very beutiful, coz i feel she's above my league. Then i usually just dont look at her, coz i, i dont know, i think to myself, "nah, how could she want anything to do with me..." I know that looks pretty weak, right? so as time passed i spontaneously developed an attitude like i dont need noone, im fine by myself, i dont open myself, i dont get embarased/hurt. I basically hope a girl will come to me first. Its just so wrong i know it, but its sooo hard to change without upgrading my selfconfidence.
Im pretty sure most of my fuckups/missed oportunities in life were caused by confidence issues.
the same thing happened to me when i was like 12 or 13. I had a girlfriend that said she didn't like that I didnt look at her in the eyes. So I told her i felt uneasy about it and we would lay somewhere and stare at each other lol.
On October 10 2007 12:57 Kennigit wrote: Ok, this is a confidence issue. And there is one sure cure that i've had great success with when helping people with similar problems.
psych yourself out. Think of how fucking awesome you are and that you are doing anyone you look a massive favour just to be in your presence. It's almost like you create an alterego for yourself that you learn to breakout when put under the pressure of it. Normally im somewhat shy but am able to lecture and give speeches to audiences 300+ because of it.
Just sit down for like 10 mins each morning and think of how great you are, all your accomplishments and everything you have going for you and that because your that great you are going to share a little bit of it with others. This all may sound incredibly arrogant, and it is. However, with confidence issues like this you need to dive into the deep in and then calibrate your attitude. You dont need to portray this attitude outloud, just keep it in your head.
At first it may feel awkward but just stick with it and you'll be ballin in no time at all.
affirmation girl?
Oh god....i never want to be associated with this again o_o
I suggest getting into some fights just pick some random person in the street and beat the fuck out of them. Do that once a week. Cures any self confidence shit.
If you want some motivation for looking at eyes other than your self-image (so many self centered people posting here...), know that you can get a lot of extra information from someone by studying their eyes during verbal communication. You are missing out by looking away.
Well, I tend to look in another way when speaking with another person just to avoid eye contact. It's not like I'm afraid or nervous, I dunno why. But that started to solve when I got a GF ( got used to staring to people ).
About the other problem, as was pointed out before, it may just be some confidence issues ( or a soar throat). Just try to get one female friend and talk alot with her. And don't think of other girls just as possible partners. Just act normal.
The lack of demonstrated empathy is possibly the most dysfunctional aspect of AS.[2] Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or enjoy spontaneous interests or achievements with others, a lack of social or emotional reciprocity, and impaired nonverbal behaviors such as eye contact, facial expression, posture, and gesture.[1]
There's more in the Wikipedia section but it's a real disorder. I suggest contacting a Psychologist, not being a douche here or anything just want what's best for you. There's no single treatment for Asperger Syndrome, but if anyone can really help it's a Psychologist.
I really don't believe he's suffering from asperger syndrome. But he could tell us more about himself, about talking to people and sharing emotions etc (that way it could be made clear if he suffers from asperger syndrome or not).
Smurg, yes that can be true also... it just depends on the context like i mentioned before. The "oponent" can see it as a threat and it's just a matter of personality of how he will react: get scared, get pissed/provoked, etc.
This is not a problem reading shit on the internet alone can solve.. how old are you? if you are in high school you should have plenty of opportunities to practice looking at peoples eyes.
serious suggestion: wear dark sun glasses everywhere
I have similar problem, I realized when I talked face to face, I dont stare at their eyes, but I dont get shy really. My voice gets deep and all nervous sounding when I'm in front of the class but I try not to feel nervous
Ok, I tried most of what you guys said and it worked ;D I had like a million staring contests with all my female friends. At first it was REALLY awkward. I got the hang of looking into people's eyes now. Well, not entirely, but a little.
I got a little better saying "hi" also. I tried controlling my voice level so I don't sound like a pedophile.
On October 10 2007 12:57 Kennigit wrote: Ok, this is a confidence issue. And there is one sure cure that i've had great success with when helping people with similar problems.
psych yourself out. Think of how fucking awesome you are and that you are doing anyone you look a massive favour just to be in your presence. It's almost like you create an alterego for yourself that you learn to breakout when put under the pressure of it. Normally im somewhat shy but am able to lecture and give speeches to audiences 300+ because of it.
Just sit down for like 10 mins each morning and think of how great you are, all your accomplishments and everything you have going for you and that because your that great you are going to share a little bit of it with others. This all may sound incredibly arrogant, and it is. However, with confidence issues like this you need to dive into the deep in and then calibrate your attitude. You dont need to portray this attitude outloud, just keep it in your head.
At first it may feel awkward but just stick with it and you'll be ballin in no time at all.
This is completely true. I used to have this problem and solved it with a similar remedy
Too bad the idea that I'm a fucking incredibly sexy bastard is imprinted in my mind now -_-
On October 11 2007 07:46 Scorpion wrote: Ok, I tried most of what you guys said and it worked ;D I had like a million staring contests with all my female friends. At first it was REALLY awkward. I got the hang of looking into people's eyes now. Well, not entirely, but a little.
I got a little better saying "hi" also. I tried controlling my voice level so I don't sound like a pedophile.
Wow, if you keep going at this rate, you'll surpass kennigit soon.
On October 11 2007 11:39 il0seonpurpose wrote: I usually stare away because the girl is just so gorgeous and I have some skin problems (pimples) nothing major but I just seem so much lower.
I still do that... but now, I've gotten a bit use to it(I had a staring contest with a really attractive female friend of mine).
It was hard at first, but just think of them as one of your "guy" friends or like someone you've always known(rofl, what a contradiction; I started this thread sounding like the most pathetic guy on the planet and here I am, giving advice).
On October 11 2007 11:59 EAGER-beaver wrote: Wear proper UV protection before staring into someone's eyes. Start with sunglasses.
Holy crap where did you come from after like 5 months of nonexistance? :O
I still check out tl.net almost daily, I've just been lurking behind damp foliage, trees, fallen logs, etc...
I see what you did there.
Back on topic, now that I'm getting these social problems out of the way, another problem arose: I sometimes avoid some people because I can't possibly think of anything to say.
I can say stuff like "oh did you hear what happened/saw what happened/" or "what class are you going to next", but, if I was talking to myself and I told myself those things, I'd engage in projectile vomit because they sound so fucking OVERUSED and basically shows that you can only talk about things that have just happened and not just have a conversation.
Ok, what I mean is, I don't want to have a conversation with someone knowing I will only talk about current events. I don't think anyone wants to hear me talk about how if you saw that one guy trip during marching band. I'm sure like 3 other people have talked to them about it and hearing me talk about it would just be boring and the conversation would only be about 3 minutes long. I sometimes have this problem with friends I've had for YEARS.
;/
EDIT: Ok, maybe I didn't type this out clearly enough but what I'm trying to say is I do know how to start conversations and I can keep a conversation but how can I make the conversation less bland? :\
Learn how to tell stories. It's not much what you say but how you say it. Use body language and enthusiasm when you tell the story.
Instead of talking about THINGS talk about the emotions you experienced, girls love this. Girls relate on emotions, you will start tonnes of conversations if you talk about the emotions you felt for instance instead of saying "I went to paris last year and saw the eifel tower, it was massive, there was a staircase all the way up, something like 1000steps!"
You would say "I went to paris last year in the summer, it was winter in australia at the time so it felt great to experience great weather in another country. I had been told the eifel tower was an amazing sight but you just don't realise until you are really standing there. I was a little scared to go up as it was shaking back and forth because of the wind, well it was more because there was something like 994 steps to climb but whos counting." etc
On October 11 2007 07:46 Scorpion wrote: Ok, I tried most of what you guys said and it worked ;D I had like a million staring contests with all my female friends. At first it was REALLY awkward. I got the hang of looking into people's eyes now. Well, not entirely, but a little.
I got a little better saying "hi" also. I tried controlling my voice level so I don't sound like a pedophile.
Hehe, good job with the eye-contact thing .
As for the conversations thing, well, sometimes there just isn't much to say to someone else, especially if you guys have little in common. My advice is, if nothing comes to your mind and they can't think of anything to say, either, then don't stress over it: just think about something else or say "see ya later" and go off and do something else. Don't just stand there spending 10+ seconds trying to think of something meaningful to say .
Edit: (after reading KoveN-'s post) Oh yeah, if you can learn to tell stories then that'd be great. I knew a girl who used to tell me stories all the time, and I really enjoyed listening to them. In general, I enjoy listening to / reading stories from others. (Remember BigBalls's stories? I loved reading those.) Unfortunately, although I really wish I could, I am utterly terrible at telling stories, mainly because I am terrible at recalling stories to tell T_T.
On October 11 2007 12:55 Scorpion wrote: EDIT: Ok, maybe I didn't type this out clearly enough but what I'm trying to say is I do know how to start conversations and I can keep a conversation but how can I make the conversation less bland? :\
Make it personal.
Don't just gossip. Pick up threads in the conversation to which you associate personal experiences, and express them. Best they be fresh, because if you're telling a story you've told 5 times before, you will be bored of it, and you'll project that, making the other person just as bored.
I'm very tired as I write this, so maybe it isn't comprehensible =_= I'm off to bed, good night.
I think the problem with not being able to stare ppl in the eyes i pretty common. I know, that I for some reason dislike, so I just stare at there nose, it works wonders.
On October 11 2007 11:59 EAGER-beaver wrote: Wear proper UV protection before staring into someone's eyes. Start with sunglasses.
Holy crap where did you come from after like 5 months of nonexistance? :O
I still check out tl.net almost daily, I've just been lurking behind damp foliage, trees, fallen logs, etc...
I see what you did there.
Back on topic, now that I'm getting these social problems out of the way, another problem arose: I sometimes avoid some people because I can't possibly think of anything to say.
I can say stuff like "oh did you hear what happened/saw what happened/" or "what class are you going to next", but, if I was talking to myself and I told myself those things, I'd engage in projectile vomit because they sound so fucking OVERUSED and basically shows that you can only talk about things that have just happened and not just have a conversation.
Ok, what I mean is, I don't want to have a conversation with someone knowing I will only talk about current events. I don't think anyone wants to hear me talk about how if you saw that one guy trip during marching band. I'm sure like 3 other people have talked to them about it and hearing me talk about it would just be boring and the conversation would only be about 3 minutes long. I sometimes have this problem with friends I've had for YEARS.
;/
EDIT: Ok, maybe I didn't type this out clearly enough but what I'm trying to say is I do know how to start conversations and I can keep a conversation but how can I make the conversation less bland? :\
put more emotion into what you're saying.. realize that how people talk to you and how you think of them is not that much different if you flip it around.. alot of times things will get silent.. crickets will come out.. but just abandon when you feel that coming
small talk will lead to medium chats to longer ones.. start small
some people talk, some listen. just go with what you feel more comfortable always prioritizing your innate characteristics. it will be more rewarding/satisfying.
about what Kennigit said: a 'knowledgeable ' person can see through that bullshit and cand really fuck you up if he desires.
You think you sounded like a pedophile!?! even if it was a joke from the other thread
You are asking advice on what to say during a conversation?!?
The problem is that the thoughts are even going through your head AND THAT THEY BOTHER YOU
You will never find an end to fixing "social issues", you will always be able to "improve" something,
If you are stressed about it, you will be stressed ad infinitum.
What I'm trying to say, is that your problem is stressing out about this stuff, not the actual stuff itself.
Let me play devil's advocate.
What if the people around you were thinking, "why is he trying so hard" Well how are you going to try less, if you are thinking about your eye contact and stuff like that. You are screwed then.
What im saying is. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE THINKING.
Let me play devil's advocate again (OMG blandness!!!!)
How much eye contact is good? There is no fucking rule book that everyone has and you can't follow it. WTF how can you sound like a pedophile, wtf does a pedophile sound like?
You think your conversation is bland, other people might not, they might love it. I AM SERIOUS. maybe instead of bland they think that its "safe" conversation. If you keep trying to spice up your conversation, you might start talking random shit. THATS WHAT PEOPLE SAY "RANDOM".
If you don't talk about current events or whatever then people will call it RANDOM!!!! and make fun of you.
Now I dont give a flying fuck what you talk about, i'm just saying that no matter what you do other people will sometimes think that you are boring or random or a pedophile or whatever who gives a fuck.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY ARE THINKING. the most you can get is their emotional reaction from chemicals they release in their body plus the things that you can see of their body language. unless they say something with WORDS to tell you WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE THEIR MIND you have no idea. AND EVEN THEN THEY MIGHT BE LYING. YOU HAVE NO IDEA, and if you think you do WELL BE A PSYCHIC OR A GYPSY BECAUSE THEY ARE REALLY RESPECTED AND EVERYONE BELIEVES THAT THEY CAN "READ" PEOPLE (sarcasm off)
its actually very pretentious that you assume you know what other people are thinking.
Yo man this path you are going down is bad news. See A Therapist. you are stressing too much for your own good about little shit.
On October 12 2007 01:10 RedTail wrote: WTF how can you sound like a pedophile, wtf does a pedophile sound like?
I tried not deepening my voice so that I don't sound like I'm about to sing Chocolate Rain then I try adding cheerfulness to my voice.
The end result was usually pathetic. I've improved upon it(so that my actual voice comes out and not my manly voice(which I seem to not be able to control)) so it isn't that bad XD.
Scorpion dude one piece of advice. When you are conversing with some one straight on its RUDE to NOT LOOK at them in the eye. If they are talking to you and your looking away or looking over the shoulder YOU are ignoring them. RUDE GOT ME ? you loose socially When YOU are talking its ok to look to the left or to the right slighlty then go back to eye contact. When they talk YOU MUST LOOk into their eyes it make them think that you are listening to them. To be a listener and to be heard is very important to other people. So when you talk you would like people to listen to you and maintain eye contact rather then having them look all over the place. my 2 cents.
I have pretty much the EXACT same problem. Nowadays when I'm talking to anyone like say a teacher or something, it's a habit for me to look to the left every couple seconds or so.
Do you guys know what to do when you talk to a person with a lazy eye or is cross sided? I always try to make eye contact when talking to someone but when they have a fucked up eyes I don't want to not look and make them feel awkward but at the same time when I look into their eyes it is very awkward for me (and them lol).
On October 12 2007 12:54 Hokay wrote: Do you guys know what to do when you talk to a person with a lazy eye or is cross sided? I always try to make eye contact when talking to someone but when they have a fucked up eyes I don't want to not look and make them feel awkward but at the same time when I look into their eyes it is very awkward for me (and them lol).
I don't think they are that concious of it, so staring at them wouldn't be like rude or make them feel awkward I think. I know a guy at my school whose eyes are a bit screwed up and I'm pretty sure he doesn't think of it much.
I used to be the same way. I say 'used to' because it seems to be going away the more I socialize with other people. One thing that I find somewhat interesting about this is that I never had this sort of issue around close friends, only people I didn't consider close friends or family members.
About the hand movement and whatnot, I always do that, even with bland conversations topics. If I find a conversation topic extremely bland I add a shitton of gestures then try relating it to something else so that the conversation keeps going.
I never thought about story telling and adding your emotions to it, though. Thanks for the tips!
Study journalism, it helps. You get to learn how to face people
No, but seriously, just knock into your head that "who cares what happends". If you make a fool out of yourself, then so what? Hopefully you learned something, and if its still really bothering you, just be open and tell the girl your'e speaking to that you generally get nervous around girls. That might actually even score you some bonus points.
Everyone has to learn to make a fool of them selves occasionally, thats the way it works.
EPT
God damnit.
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