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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
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3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On December 17 2016 23:54 Volband wrote:
Cosmic once told me I harbor hatred for women. You know, could be true, but tell me, TELL ME how not to be furious when shit like this happen?
We agree on a date, everything's cool and on my way (train) there she sends me a text she had to go somewhere with her mom, sorry. Then not answersbmy text then hangs up on me when trying to call her. Like, like, LIKE how is it girls get a free pass on this shit, while my ootions with dealing this are:
- Be paranoid with every girl who agrees on a date, assuming they might do a turnnlike this
- Set myself up for getting played like this
Sure, it's the first time this actually happened, and there were instances when I started acting like a dick with girls who postponed a date, even though it turned out their excuse was legit and we eventually met, or even more.
God, this is like trying to get off from heroin, then someone throws a bunch of it in front of me, and I'm confused. My brain says let it go, shit happens, zen level 1000, but my brain also says I should go all out on her, like someone who confronts a litterer on the street.
The reality is that this happens when they have a much lower priority for the date than other things, and they don't honour commitments. There may also be buyer's remorse, where a woman agrees to a date and then realizes, when things get closer to the time, that she doesn't like you that much, or she gets nervous.
And yes, it's very frustrating. I've learned just to let them know that I'm frustrated or annoyed with them, and then don't let it effect me too much.
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On December 18 2016 02:28 WarSame wrote:
I've learned just to let them know that I'm frustrated or annoyed with them
I did that once. I got the most "I'm not sorry" response I've ever gotten from anyone ever. I took that quite poorly and stopped talking to her, even though she tried to "make up for it" in a very unconvincing way.
I've found that if people aren't immediately capable of acknowledging that short of a true emergency, that is an unacceptable act and in either case they should go out of their way to express their regret and apologize, then they never will be able to. I take a very hard line on the issue of flakiness but I absolutely think it justified.
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Haha right when I post advice here open my Facebook -26 messages from my gf :D
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I understand how frustrating it can be sometimes Volband. As you get a bit more dating experience you'll get a bit more relaxed because you'll have other stuff going on and you'll get to know women well enough to be able to tell when they are gonna flake out or not in advance.
Every once in a while a girl still cancels on me for whatever reason and I just tell them its all good. Don't show frustration don't try to reschedule. Many times you'll find she'll actually be the one to come back to you a few days later to set up something else.
And in general when dealing with women and dating them I have found that it's very helpful to try and be understanding. Even if it hurts or if its frustrating try to stand above it and realize that it's tough for her out there as well. Don't take that as me saying you should be a doormat though.
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Cancelling a date shouldn't be that big of a deal. Sure if she does it 2 minutes before it is a dick move, if it its a day or two beforehand whats the problem? It sucks sure, but would you rather her go on the date and be totally disinterested in you?
I also agree with what BIG said, often they will come back if you act like it was nothing and give them time.
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On December 17 2016 23:54 Volband wrote:
Cosmic once told me I harbor hatred for women. You know, could be true, but tell me, TELL ME how not to be furious when shit like this happen?
We agree on a date, everything's cool and on my way (train) there she sends me a text she had to go somewhere with her mom, sorry. Then not answersbmy text then hangs up on me when trying to call her. Like, like, LIKE how is it girls get a free pass on this shit, while my ootions with dealing this are:
- Be paranoid with every girl who agrees on a date, assuming they might do a turnnlike this
- Set myself up for getting played like this
Sure, it's the first time this actually happened, and there were instances when I started acting like a dick with girls who postponed a date, even though it turned out their excuse was legit and we eventually met, or even more.
God, this is like trying to get off from heroin, then someone throws a bunch of it in front of me, and I'm confused. My brain says let it go, shit happens, zen level 1000, but my brain also says I should go all out on her, like someone who confronts a litterer on the street.
So this is the first time it happened? Maybe it was an emergency? Certainly this does not automatically mean she's awful, let alone that all women are crazy. Relax 
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Yeah
I mean
what's the point of texting/calling afterwards anyways?
Makes you look clingy/controlling.
It's your choice to either just accept it, go about your business, let her contact (usually about some random stuff) you then ask her out again.
Or you know...just not see her again?
For me the number one quality in a woman initially after my attraction towards her is how much she's into me/how much effort she's willing to put in. If she cancels abruptly early and doesn't try to make up for it by at least contacting me afterwards it probably means she wasn't into me in the first place/it's time to move on.
I think these are wonderful times we live in, where you never have to settle so my approach is to be super picky in the beginning, date multiple women at the same time (it's fun too) so that when I do commit, I know I made a conscious educated choice and can throw my whole heart into it without regret. That means if she does something that's really a red flag very early on just move on, and give her a chance if she comes to you after giving her space. If she doesn't hey - she saved you a lot of wasted time
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On December 18 2016 06:46 B.I.G. wrote:
I understand how frustrating it can be sometimes Volband. As you get a bit more dating experience you'll get a bit more relaxed because you'll have other stuff going on and you'll get to know women well enough to be able to tell when they are gonna flake out or not in advance.
Every once in a while a girl still cancels on me for whatever reason and I just tell them its all good. Don't show frustration don't try to reschedule. Many times you'll find she'll actually be the one to come back to you a few days later to set up something else.
And in general when dealing with women and dating them I have found that it's very helpful to try and be understanding. Even if it hurts or if its frustrating try to stand above it and realize that it's tough for her out there as well. Don't take that as me saying you should be a doormat though.
I wonder, is it better to let no sign of annoyance show, or to give them a quick "Ok, that's a bit annoying."? Now that I'm reading it I probably agree with you more, but is there a place for the second option?
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On December 19 2016 14:29 WarSame wrote:Show nested quote +On December 18 2016 06:46 B.I.G. wrote:
I understand how frustrating it can be sometimes Volband. As you get a bit more dating experience you'll get a bit more relaxed because you'll have other stuff going on and you'll get to know women well enough to be able to tell when they are gonna flake out or not in advance.
Every once in a while a girl still cancels on me for whatever reason and I just tell them its all good. Don't show frustration don't try to reschedule. Many times you'll find she'll actually be the one to come back to you a few days later to set up something else.
And in general when dealing with women and dating them I have found that it's very helpful to try and be understanding. Even if it hurts or if its frustrating try to stand above it and realize that it's tough for her out there as well. Don't take that as me saying you should be a doormat though. I wonder, is it better to let no sign of annoyance show, or to give them a quick "Ok, that's a bit annoying."? Now that I'm reading it I probably agree with you more, but is there a place for the second option?
It might feel good to act on that impulse ("well fuck you then I never liked you anyway!") but it will only make you look weak and she'll think she dodged a bullet by not going on a date with a nutjob.
Even if you could guilt or pressure her into going on that date after all it will be a pointless exercise because you want her to be relaxed and have fun around you. As soon as you feel you need to push for a date you are essentially going the wrong direction.
So no, there is no real place for the show annoyance option. Unless you want to vent or come across as needy. But don't be that guy. Be the guy that has it going on.
PS: Save the neediness and annoyance for the people you are super close to.
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Netherlands6192 Posts
On December 19 2016 15:47 B.I.G. wrote:Show nested quote +On December 19 2016 14:29 WarSame wrote:On December 18 2016 06:46 B.I.G. wrote:
I understand how frustrating it can be sometimes Volband. As you get a bit more dating experience you'll get a bit more relaxed because you'll have other stuff going on and you'll get to know women well enough to be able to tell when they are gonna flake out or not in advance.
Every once in a while a girl still cancels on me for whatever reason and I just tell them its all good. Don't show frustration don't try to reschedule. Many times you'll find she'll actually be the one to come back to you a few days later to set up something else.
And in general when dealing with women and dating them I have found that it's very helpful to try and be understanding. Even if it hurts or if its frustrating try to stand above it and realize that it's tough for her out there as well. Don't take that as me saying you should be a doormat though. I wonder, is it better to let no sign of annoyance show, or to give them a quick "Ok, that's a bit annoying."? Now that I'm reading it I probably agree with you more, but is there a place for the second option? It might feel good to act on that impulse ("well fuck you then I never liked you anyway!") but it will only make you look weak and she'll think she dodged a bullet by not going on a date with a nutjob. Even if you could guilt or pressure her into going on that date after all it will be a pointless exercise because you want her to be relaxed and have fun around you. As soon as you feel you need to push for a date you are essentially going the wrong direction. So no, there is no real place for the show annoyance option. Unless you want to vent or come across as needy. But don't be that guy. Be the guy that has it going on. PS: Save the neediness and annoyance for the people you are super close to.
^ this advice, SO much.
Like, 100%.
There is nothing more off putting than someone you don't know expressing annoyance at an inconvenience that you a) either couldn't help or b) reaffirming your reasons for flaking on them.
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Flakiness isn't something that can really be brushed off, in my eyes. Some people might be able to take such an approach to "maybe they show up, maybe they don't" and find it acceptable - I do not fall into that camp. I do, however, agree that there is simply no benefit to expressing annoyance there. If they don't see why it's problematic to be unwilling to be there when they agree to do so, there is nothing more to say to them and that's the end of that. I would write them off as a potential date and call it a day.
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Netherlands6192 Posts
If the person is flakey then you're wasting your time trying to date them, so if they cancel the date and don't make an effort to reschedule then you're saving yourself time and heartbreak by just taking it on the nose and moving on.
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Haha that "quality women" discussion few pages back
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On December 19 2016 14:29 WarSame wrote:Show nested quote +On December 18 2016 06:46 B.I.G. wrote:
I understand how frustrating it can be sometimes Volband. As you get a bit more dating experience you'll get a bit more relaxed because you'll have other stuff going on and you'll get to know women well enough to be able to tell when they are gonna flake out or not in advance.
Every once in a while a girl still cancels on me for whatever reason and I just tell them its all good. Don't show frustration don't try to reschedule. Many times you'll find she'll actually be the one to come back to you a few days later to set up something else.
And in general when dealing with women and dating them I have found that it's very helpful to try and be understanding. Even if it hurts or if its frustrating try to stand above it and realize that it's tough for her out there as well. Don't take that as me saying you should be a doormat though. I wonder, is it better to let no sign of annoyance show, or to give them a quick "Ok, that's a bit annoying."? Now that I'm reading it I probably agree with you more, but is there a place for the second option?
I don't really see how you can demand any sort of commitment for a first date. It of course depends on the curcumstance but especially in regard to tinder dates I'd be very suprised if people took offence when calling off a date on short notice and citing family as a reason. Whether it's a genuine excuse or not very much so depends on how well you know your date. Even if it ain't genuine the better for you to not have a date with someone with their thoughts who knows where or who'd much rather be somewhere else.
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On December 19 2016 22:25 Artisreal wrote:Show nested quote +On December 19 2016 14:29 WarSame wrote:On December 18 2016 06:46 B.I.G. wrote:
I understand how frustrating it can be sometimes Volband. As you get a bit more dating experience you'll get a bit more relaxed because you'll have other stuff going on and you'll get to know women well enough to be able to tell when they are gonna flake out or not in advance.
Every once in a while a girl still cancels on me for whatever reason and I just tell them its all good. Don't show frustration don't try to reschedule. Many times you'll find she'll actually be the one to come back to you a few days later to set up something else.
And in general when dealing with women and dating them I have found that it's very helpful to try and be understanding. Even if it hurts or if its frustrating try to stand above it and realize that it's tough for her out there as well. Don't take that as me saying you should be a doormat though. I wonder, is it better to let no sign of annoyance show, or to give them a quick "Ok, that's a bit annoying."? Now that I'm reading it I probably agree with you more, but is there a place for the second option? I don't really see how you can demand any sort of commitment for a first date. It of course depends on the curcumstance but especially in regard to tinder dates I'd be very suprised if people took offence when calling off a date on short notice and citing family as a reason. Whether it's a genuine excuse or not very much so depends on how well you know your date. Even if it ain't genuine the better for you to not have a date with someone with their thoughts who knows where or who'd much rather be somewhere else.
When I started dating my girlfriend she rescheduled close to the actual date once or twice for legit reasons(and also because when you just start dating you're lower on the priority list). However, I don't think flaking with no warning or anything is a tolerable thing to do.
Everyone seems to have interpreted me as saying you should freak out on the girl. Obviously not. However, I meant saying something like "You should let me know ahead of time if you aren't going to be able to make it." and moving on. If a girl fully flaked on me that's the last time I'm trying with her.
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On December 20 2016 10:40 WarSame wrote:Show nested quote +On December 19 2016 22:25 Artisreal wrote:On December 19 2016 14:29 WarSame wrote:On December 18 2016 06:46 B.I.G. wrote:
I understand how frustrating it can be sometimes Volband. As you get a bit more dating experience you'll get a bit more relaxed because you'll have other stuff going on and you'll get to know women well enough to be able to tell when they are gonna flake out or not in advance.
Every once in a while a girl still cancels on me for whatever reason and I just tell them its all good. Don't show frustration don't try to reschedule. Many times you'll find she'll actually be the one to come back to you a few days later to set up something else.
And in general when dealing with women and dating them I have found that it's very helpful to try and be understanding. Even if it hurts or if its frustrating try to stand above it and realize that it's tough for her out there as well. Don't take that as me saying you should be a doormat though. I wonder, is it better to let no sign of annoyance show, or to give them a quick "Ok, that's a bit annoying."? Now that I'm reading it I probably agree with you more, but is there a place for the second option? I don't really see how you can demand any sort of commitment for a first date. It of course depends on the curcumstance but especially in regard to tinder dates I'd be very suprised if people took offence when calling off a date on short notice and citing family as a reason. Whether it's a genuine excuse or not very much so depends on how well you know your date. Even if it ain't genuine the better for you to not have a date with someone with their thoughts who knows where or who'd much rather be somewhere else. When I started dating my girlfriend she rescheduled close to the actual date once or twice for legit reasons(and also because when you just start dating you're lower on the priority list). However, I don't think flaking with no warning or anything is a tolerable thing to do. Everyone seems to have interpreted me as saying you should freak out on the girl. Obviously not. However, I meant saying something like "You should let me know ahead of time if you aren't going to be able to make it." and moving on. If a girl fully flaked on me that's the last time I'm trying with her.
You mean when you simply get stood up? You are waiting at the restaurant with a bouquet of flowers (for example) and she just doesnt show? Obviously thats different because thats just really rude.
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On December 20 2016 10:58 B.I.G. wrote:Show nested quote +On December 20 2016 10:40 WarSame wrote:On December 19 2016 22:25 Artisreal wrote:On December 19 2016 14:29 WarSame wrote:On December 18 2016 06:46 B.I.G. wrote:
I understand how frustrating it can be sometimes Volband. As you get a bit more dating experience you'll get a bit more relaxed because you'll have other stuff going on and you'll get to know women well enough to be able to tell when they are gonna flake out or not in advance.
Every once in a while a girl still cancels on me for whatever reason and I just tell them its all good. Don't show frustration don't try to reschedule. Many times you'll find she'll actually be the one to come back to you a few days later to set up something else.
And in general when dealing with women and dating them I have found that it's very helpful to try and be understanding. Even if it hurts or if its frustrating try to stand above it and realize that it's tough for her out there as well. Don't take that as me saying you should be a doormat though. I wonder, is it better to let no sign of annoyance show, or to give them a quick "Ok, that's a bit annoying."? Now that I'm reading it I probably agree with you more, but is there a place for the second option? I don't really see how you can demand any sort of commitment for a first date. It of course depends on the curcumstance but especially in regard to tinder dates I'd be very suprised if people took offence when calling off a date on short notice and citing family as a reason. Whether it's a genuine excuse or not very much so depends on how well you know your date. Even if it ain't genuine the better for you to not have a date with someone with their thoughts who knows where or who'd much rather be somewhere else. When I started dating my girlfriend she rescheduled close to the actual date once or twice for legit reasons(and also because when you just start dating you're lower on the priority list). However, I don't think flaking with no warning or anything is a tolerable thing to do. Everyone seems to have interpreted me as saying you should freak out on the girl. Obviously not. However, I meant saying something like "You should let me know ahead of time if you aren't going to be able to make it." and moving on. If a girl fully flaked on me that's the last time I'm trying with her. You mean when you simply get stood up? You are waiting at the restaurant with a bouquet of flowers (for example) and she just doesnt show? Obviously thats different because thats just really rude.
That's close to what Volband was saying. He got the message only when already too late. Giving notice 10 minutes before the date is at least better, but it's still really fucking rude.
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On December 20 2016 11:00 WarSame wrote:Show nested quote +On December 20 2016 10:58 B.I.G. wrote:On December 20 2016 10:40 WarSame wrote:On December 19 2016 22:25 Artisreal wrote:On December 19 2016 14:29 WarSame wrote:On December 18 2016 06:46 B.I.G. wrote:
I understand how frustrating it can be sometimes Volband. As you get a bit more dating experience you'll get a bit more relaxed because you'll have other stuff going on and you'll get to know women well enough to be able to tell when they are gonna flake out or not in advance.
Every once in a while a girl still cancels on me for whatever reason and I just tell them its all good. Don't show frustration don't try to reschedule. Many times you'll find she'll actually be the one to come back to you a few days later to set up something else.
And in general when dealing with women and dating them I have found that it's very helpful to try and be understanding. Even if it hurts or if its frustrating try to stand above it and realize that it's tough for her out there as well. Don't take that as me saying you should be a doormat though. I wonder, is it better to let no sign of annoyance show, or to give them a quick "Ok, that's a bit annoying."? Now that I'm reading it I probably agree with you more, but is there a place for the second option? I don't really see how you can demand any sort of commitment for a first date. It of course depends on the curcumstance but especially in regard to tinder dates I'd be very suprised if people took offence when calling off a date on short notice and citing family as a reason. Whether it's a genuine excuse or not very much so depends on how well you know your date. Even if it ain't genuine the better for you to not have a date with someone with their thoughts who knows where or who'd much rather be somewhere else. When I started dating my girlfriend she rescheduled close to the actual date once or twice for legit reasons(and also because when you just start dating you're lower on the priority list). However, I don't think flaking with no warning or anything is a tolerable thing to do. Everyone seems to have interpreted me as saying you should freak out on the girl. Obviously not. However, I meant saying something like "You should let me know ahead of time if you aren't going to be able to make it." and moving on. If a girl fully flaked on me that's the last time I'm trying with her. You mean when you simply get stood up? You are waiting at the restaurant with a bouquet of flowers (for example) and she just doesnt show? Obviously thats different because thats just really rude. That's close to what Volband was saying. He got the message only when already too late. Giving notice 10 minutes before the date is at least better, but it's still really fucking rude.
Still wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Just ignore her from that point on. If she's really sorry and really wants to go on that date with you you'll find out soon enough.
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On December 18 2016 02:09 LegalLord wrote:
Don't blame all women for some of them being shitty. They are half the population and some of them are shitty, but each of them is a different person. We've all been there.
More than half actually. 
There are more of us than men in the world yet guys still tell me they feel like they will never find the one. There's plenty of fish in the sea, more than enough in fact! <3
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I think what I hate the most are one night stands with girls you really vibe with. It never amounts to anything after. If you wanna be friendly, there's no way to not come off as clingy/needy or whatever. It's just done. But it leaves such a sour taste. Any advice?
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EPT
