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Hey guys, i need some advice.
I'm currently in a relationsship that lasts for almost two years now. At the beginning i was pretty happy about it but recently things are starting to change. My gf has always been a bit moody but now she more and more seems like she is constantly depressed. She complains all th time about literally everything and shows very little motivation to even leave the house anymore. I talked to here about seeing a therapist but she doesnt want that, although i think i could get her to do it, if i really tried... I am unsure if thats a good idea though because she still refuses to admit that this might help in any way.
However i feel like things are starting to drain on me. I am annoyed by her pessimistic attitude and catch myself tryng to find excuses for not meeting her. In contrary she is becoming more an more clingy and it kinda seems like I am the only decent thing left in her life of misery (at least thats what she tells me).
So what do i do? I really like her as a person but i dont feel things are going to change anytime soon and I am getting more and more unhappy with my relationship. On the other hand i feel bad and guilty for the thought of breaking up cause I feel like she really needs me right now and i am worried about what might happen if i just leave.
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Medicine really can help; the biggest issue though is to go into it with a genuine acknowledgment of the problem and a desire to fix it. Psychologists/psychiatrists are not all reliable (some do not act in good faith) but there are absolutely good medications to treat depression that will certainly make things better.
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On December 13 2016 01:44 NewEyes wrote:
Hey guys, i need some advice.
I'm currently in a relationsship that lasts for almost two years now. At the beginning i was pretty happy about it but recently things are starting to change. My gf has always been a bit moody but now she more and more seems like she is constantly depressed. She complains all th time about literally everything and shows very little motivation to even leave the house anymore. I talked to here about seeing a therapist but she doesnt want that, although i think i could get her to do it, if i really tried... I am unsure if thats a good idea though because she still refuses to admit that this might help in any way.
However i feel like things are starting to drain on me. I am annoyed by her pessimistic attitude and catch myself tryng to find excuses for not meeting her. In contrary she is becoming more an more clingy and it kinda seems like I am the only decent thing left in her life of misery (at least thats what she tells me).
So what do i do? I really like her as a person but i dont feel things are going to change anytime soon and I am getting more and more unhappy with my relationship. On the other hand i feel bad and guilty for the thought of breaking up cause I feel like she really needs me right now and i am worried about what might happen if i just leave.
That bolded paragraph tells me all that I need to know. You've already checked out emotionally and don't really like her enough to warrant the investment that it will take to fix her -- if it's even possible. Yes, this is cold, but you need to break up and move on. It's not your job to save her. You really don't want to be stuck with a perpetually miserable person.
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Personally, I would try to communicate to her, in a manner apropriate to her condition, that her behaviour is affecting you negatively and everything else that you started to notice about your own feelings towards her.
That you can pair with the plea to seek help because you alone cannot support her by yourself on the long run.
If there is no appropriate response in her seeking some sort of 3rd party help, talk again and ultimately let her decide by her actions whether you can stay together and break up if it's unbearable.
Maybe even before all that you could seek for help yourself. I suppose there are organisations/institutions you can turn to for help in that matter. Especially if you don't want to leave her alone, inform said organisations that she is depressive, maybe talk to her doctor on her behalf.
There is alot you could do not to leave her stranded and inform as many professionals of her supposed condition before you decide to finally cut the support.
I want to stress that it is not fair for her to soley rely on you. Still, to me it's imperative to help someone you like (romantically or not).
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On December 13 2016 02:38 xDaunt wrote:Show nested quote +On December 13 2016 01:44 NewEyes wrote:
Hey guys, i need some advice.
I'm currently in a relationsship that lasts for almost two years now. At the beginning i was pretty happy about it but recently things are starting to change. My gf has always been a bit moody but now she more and more seems like she is constantly depressed. She complains all th time about literally everything and shows very little motivation to even leave the house anymore. I talked to here about seeing a therapist but she doesnt want that, although i think i could get her to do it, if i really tried... I am unsure if thats a good idea though because she still refuses to admit that this might help in any way.
However i feel like things are starting to drain on me. I am annoyed by her pessimistic attitude and catch myself tryng to find excuses for not meeting her. In contrary she is becoming more an more clingy and it kinda seems like I am the only decent thing left in her life of misery (at least thats what she tells me).
So what do i do? I really like her as a person but i dont feel things are going to change anytime soon and I am getting more and more unhappy with my relationship. On the other hand i feel bad and guilty for the thought of breaking up cause I feel like she really needs me right now and i am worried about what might happen if i just leave. That bolded paragraph tells me all that I need to know. You've already checked out emotionally and don't really like her enough to warrant the investment that it will take to fix her -- if it's even possible. Yes, this is cold, but you need to break up and move on. It's not your job to save her. You really don't want to be stuck with a perpetually miserable person.
But it's also not fair to ditch someone at the first sign of difficulty, particularly in a more long-term invested relationship. Nobody's life is perfect, and people have their own highs and lows. A committed relationship is one that respects that, and each person is there for the other, through both high and low. He's been with this girl for nearly two years, so it's safe to say he's pretty invested in it, which makes walking away not only difficult, but also potentially the wrong answer. If you really care about someone, and you see them going through a hard time, you should be trying to help them, not walking away and telling 'em good luck. Communication and support are extremely important in this case. This can still result in a breaking-off, but it should only be after you've both mulled it over. On the flipside, it's very possible that while she might have inconvenienced you as she was going through this hard time, she might repay that later if you're still together.
On the other hand, if you were hooking up with someone casually and for fun, and this started happening, you'd have little reason not to move on, since the relationship didn't mean much to begin with. It's really up to him what it's worth.
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Also consider the possibility that breaking up with her will force her into changing things and get out of her negative spiral. So it might be a win-win.
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So "finally" I'm my first relationship, yay! With a girl I met one year ago. We started dating in sept and have been together since the end of october. Since we're both busy we have only the weekends for us which is at least in my opinion okay but she thinks otherwise. And because of that she kept texting me over and over again. Most of the with pretty nonensical messages about shampoo, eating chips or that she just got home. ~50 messages a day, and that for weeks.
So yesterday, after she sent me 4 texts within 45 minutes and no response from my side she asked what's wrong. I told her in a polite way that "we" are texting way too much for my taste. Now she's sad and angry and won't text me anymore. And now I feel guilty... Apparently she had a rough week. I've no idea what to do now.
Maybe it's because of the difference in age (she's 18 I'm 27) but I don't think that this will last very long if it goes on like this.
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On December 15 2016 17:55 JoeCool wrote:
So "finally" I'm my first relationship, yay! With a girl I met one year ago. We started dating in sept and have been together since the end of october. Since we're both busy we have only the weekends for us which is at least in my opinion okay but she thinks otherwise. And because of that she kept texting me over and over again. Most of the with pretty nonensical messages about shampoo, eating chips or that she just got home. ~50 messages a day, and that for weeks.
So yesterday, after she sent me 4 texts within 45 minutes and no response from my side she asked what's wrong. I told her in a polite way that "we" are texting way too much for my taste. Now she's sad and angry and won't text me anymore. And now I feel guilty... Apparently she had a rough week. I've no idea what to do now.
Maybe it's because of the difference in age (she's 18 I'm 27) but I don't think that this will last very long if it goes on like this.
Doesn't necessarily have to be the age. Some people like texting some people do not.
However, if I was 18 I wouldn't want to just see my girlfriend during weekends. I'm guessing you are working and she has a bunch of spare time she would like to spend with you. It is a possibility that you are just too far apart in life. Why do you only see each other on weekends? Do you live far away from each other?
You really should have a real conversation about it.
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On December 15 2016 17:55 JoeCool wrote:
So "finally" I'm my first relationship, yay! With a girl I met one year ago. We started dating in sept and have been together since the end of october. Since we're both busy we have only the weekends for us which is at least in my opinion okay but she thinks otherwise. And because of that she kept texting me over and over again. Most of the with pretty nonensical messages about shampoo, eating chips or that she just got home. ~50 messages a day, and that for weeks.
So yesterday, after she sent me 4 texts within 45 minutes and no response from my side she asked what's wrong. I told her in a polite way that "we" are texting way too much for my taste. Now she's sad and angry and won't text me anymore. And now I feel guilty... Apparently she had a rough week. I've no idea what to do now.
Maybe it's because of the difference in age (she's 18 I'm 27) but I don't think that this will last very long if it goes on like this.
Dude I feel you. The 'mass texting' type is indeed gloriously annoying to deal with.
It most likely comes from the fact that she's feeling insecure and needs to know where you are/what you're doing at all times, so it might go away after a while. If you've got the patience for it you should talk to her and tell her to try texting you less. I usually use the (good, imo) excuse that text conversations are often prone to misunderstandings and overinterpretation and can fuck up a relationship. Say that you'd rather have real talks with her exclusively face to face and that texts are just meant to decide when/where to meet. Occasional phone calls are also a solution, as they're a lot better/more bounding than basic texting.
Now let's be straight, the fact that she's 18 (and likely inexperienced) doesn't help and might make your issue unsolvable.
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Be honest, tell her you work and can't really answer and that after work you might need to relax a bit and stop actively looking at screens of some sort (in case that's true).
Also what cptMarvel said. I avoid text based messages about important stuff like the plague. Had bunch of bad experience with that kind of communication. I told my gf time and again that I don't argue/discuss via phone/text and it's been working out quite well.
Though you have to assess the comment regarding her age for yourself.
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Netherlands6192 Posts
Texting is a massive part of our culture. People use it as an effective and silent way to communicate their feelings and involve other people in their lives via regular pointless updates. I do this all the time. My friends do too.
It isn't for everyone, definitely, but as someone who texts a lot I can also see it from her side. When you're used to 24/7 open communication and you're now dealing with someone who doesn't like to text, you do get anxious because you don't really understand why they're closing you out.
It'll be a sore point with her for some time. But definitely worth talking about in person and letting her know that you do care about her etc but you don't like texting.
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On December 15 2016 17:55 JoeCool wrote:
So "finally" I'm my first relationship, yay! With a girl I met one year ago. We started dating in sept and have been together since the end of october. Since we're both busy we have only the weekends for us which is at least in my opinion okay but she thinks otherwise. And because of that she kept texting me over and over again. Most of the with pretty nonensical messages about shampoo, eating chips or that she just got home. ~50 messages a day, and that for weeks.
So yesterday, after she sent me 4 texts within 45 minutes and no response from my side she asked what's wrong. I told her in a polite way that "we" are texting way too much for my taste. Now she's sad and angry and won't text me anymore. And now I feel guilty... Apparently she had a rough week. I've no idea what to do now.
Maybe it's because of the difference in age (she's 18 I'm 27) but I don't think that this will last very long if it goes on like this.
1) Why only weekends
Couldn't you spare 2 hours during the week for sex or e.g. lunch? In a normal relationship when a girl starts texting and blowing up your phone I simply offer to see her more instead of text - it's usually what they want anyways. Not just because of distraction/time but because I always feel like I'm robbed of the experience of sharing in person
2) Why does she assume you'll respond often - what did the relationship and texting patterns look like before?
This is why I sort of always liked keeping the phone strictly for setting dates more or less in the beginning. Besides just a nice text between dates, and when on the phone while setting a date when it turns into a phone date on it's own.
Because if you always respond in the beginning you set a pattern and when you stop responding later on it looks like you were just trying to get her hooked.
3) Why is it an issue really that she texts you - it's entirely up to you how much you respond, don't think you have to tell her "we" are texting way too much or that she's doing something wrong. Just get her texts, and then read and respond e.g. at night or the next day. Or just don't respond at all and give her a call, offer to see her for a short time instead
And in that scenario you can just say "everything's awesome missy, working like a champ and finally got some time to look at your texts" even if it's 10 hours later
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First of all, thank you guys for the time you took to respond to my comment. I appreciate it!
On December 15 2016 18:21 bloodwhore~ wrote:
Doesn't necessarily have to be the age. Some people like texting some people do not.
However, if I was 18 I wouldn't want to just see my girlfriend during weekends. I'm guessing you are working and she has a bunch of spare time she would like to spend with you. It is a possibility that you are just too far apart in life. Why do you only see each other on weekends? Do you live far away from each other?
You really should have a real conversation about it.
On December 15 2016 23:07 LemOn wrote:
1) Why only weekends
Couldn't you spare 2 hours during the week for sex or e.g. lunch? In a normal relationship when a girl starts texting and blowing up your phone I simply offer to see her more instead of text - it's usually what they want anyways. Not just because of distraction/time but because I always feel like I'm robbed of the experience of sharing in person
Unfortunately there is very little time during the week. We've discussed this before and agreed to meet at least once per week (for example every wednesday) but it's just really hard. I'm opening my own business in january and there is sooo much stuff to do. She has school five days a week and three times from 8.00 to 17.00. When she is not in school she is teaching kids how to dance and dances herself. (she's a professional dancer with a couple of championships), plus she needs tuition in math... if she's done with that her house needs to be cleaned, food needs to be bought etc.
On December 15 2016 20:23 CptMarvel wrote:
I usually use the (good, imo) excuse that text conversations are often prone to misunderstandings and overinterpretation and can fuck up a relationship. Say that you'd rather have real talks with her exclusively face to face and that texts are just meant to decide when/where to meet. Occasional phone calls are also a solution, as they're a lot better/more bounding than basic texting.
That's exactly what I'm thinking. And it's kinda what's happening right now. But I believe it's some sort of substitute for not-meeting.
On December 15 2016 23:07 LemOn wrote:
2) Why does she assume you'll respond often - what did the relationship and texting patterns look like before?
This is why I sort of always liked keeping the phone strictly for setting dates more or less in the beginning. Besides just a nice text between dates, and when on the phone while setting a date when it turns into a phone date on it's own.
I've tried to "escape" texting before, basically like this: I don't answer every text, I take my time to respond and when I respond it's as short as possible without beeing rude. Plus, no room for interpretation/further questions. But that didn't work at all...
On December 15 2016 23:07 LemOn wrote:
3) Why is it an issue really that she texts you - it's entirely up to you how much you respond, don't think you have to tell her "we" are texting way too much or that she's doing something wrong. Just get her texts, and then read and respond e.g. at night or the next day. Or just don't respond at all and give her a call, offer to see her for a short time instead
That's the point. Yesterday was the first day where I didn't respond at all. Because her messages were completely nonsensical, sth about Kanye West and Donald Trump. As soon as I responded, which was 5 hours later, she asked me what's wrong... and there we are.
Btw: She just texted me again, she couldn't "bear" the silence between us... I'll give her a call.
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So you were responding right away in the beginning to most texts?
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Unfortunately there is very little time during the week. We've discussed this before and agreed to meet at least once per week (for example every wednesday) but it's just really hard. I'm opening my own business in january and there is sooo much stuff to do. She has school five days a week and three times from 8.00 to 17.00. When she is not in school she is teaching kids how to dance and dances herself. (she's a professional dancer with a couple of championships), plus she needs tuition in math... if she's done with that her house needs to be cleaned, food needs to be bought etc.
I won't say it's indicative of her not making a dating relationship a priority, i.e. I'll fit it in if I can. I will say the situation you just described will severely stress any relationship to the point where if it wasn't texting, it would be something else.
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Have you considered just texting her a bit more since it makes her so happy? She likes texting, you don't. Everyone here seems to take it for granted that she is "wrong" and should get used to it. Why not meet her halfway?
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On December 16 2016 16:40 B.I.G. wrote:
Have you considered just texting her a bit more since it makes her so happy? She likes texting, you don't. Everyone here seems to take it for granted that she is "wrong" and should get used to it. Why not meet her halfway?
I don't think that was the take away message. Or it wasn't what I read in the advice. There's no wrong or right here. There's two people who are encountering a problem in their relationship. The take away message should be that you have to communicate about it. And probably make an effort to spend more time together, but schedules seem to be making that impossible for now.
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On December 15 2016 20:23 CptMarvel wrote:Show nested quote +On December 15 2016 17:55 JoeCool wrote:
So "finally" I'm my first relationship, yay! With a girl I met one year ago. We started dating in sept and have been together since the end of october. Since we're both busy we have only the weekends for us which is at least in my opinion okay but she thinks otherwise. And because of that she kept texting me over and over again. Most of the with pretty nonensical messages about shampoo, eating chips or that she just got home. ~50 messages a day, and that for weeks.
So yesterday, after she sent me 4 texts within 45 minutes and no response from my side she asked what's wrong. I told her in a polite way that "we" are texting way too much for my taste. Now she's sad and angry and won't text me anymore. And now I feel guilty... Apparently she had a rough week. I've no idea what to do now.
Maybe it's because of the difference in age (she's 18 I'm 27) but I don't think that this will last very long if it goes on like this.
I usually use the (good, imo) excuse that text conversations are often prone to misunderstandings and overinterpretation and can fuck up a relationship. Occasional phone calls are also a solution, as they're a lot better/more bounding than basic texting.
I also did this when I started dating my gf two years ago and it worked pretty well. Another good reason is not wanting to watch some screen for an hour after 8 hours of working while watching a computer screen, if that's the case.
If she is the mass texting type and young she is probably not gonna understand that you simply don't like mass texting, so I would just say this, do it face to face and be serious about it.
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Cosmic once told me I harbor hatred for women. You know, could be true, but tell me, TELL ME how not to be furious when shit like this happen?
We agree on a date, everything's cool and on my way (train) there she sends me a text she had to go somewhere with her mom, sorry. Then not answersbmy text then hangs up on me when trying to call her. Like, like, LIKE how is it girls get a free pass on this shit, while my ootions with dealing this are:
- Be paranoid with every girl who agrees on a date, assuming they might do a turnnlike this
- Set myself up for getting played like this
Sure, it's the first time this actually happened, and there were instances when I started acting like a dick with girls who postponed a date, even though it turned out their excuse was legit and we eventually met, or even more.
God, this is like trying to get off from heroin, then someone throws a bunch of it in front of me, and I'm confused. My brain says let it go, shit happens, zen level 1000, but my brain also says I should go all out on her, like someone who confronts a litterer on the street.
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Don't blame all women for some of them being shitty. They are half the population and some of them are shitty, but each of them is a different person. We've all been there.
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EPT
