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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
On November 18 2016 21:18 Broetchenholer wrote: So, if my friends, coworkers and sportswomen are all taken or not interested, i am out of options  Neither of these groups should be your focus when dating in my opinion. Sure if you fall for a friend, ask her out. Actively trying to look for coworkers to date is somewhat strange. You don't want to be perceived as the guy who only does sports to meet women either. Why not branch out a bit? | ||
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Broetchenholer
Germany1970 Posts
And of course i am neither keeping friends to have girlfriendrecruitment material, or move on coworkers or be one of those guys that go to the gym to stare at the women. But if i can't or won't talk to new people, existing social meetups like my sport or my work or my hobbies are the only place i can actually find someone who i can fall for and if those resources are tapped, there is not much i can do except change. And changing is hard and undesirable. | ||
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Mikau
Netherlands1446 Posts
Sure, it's possible that she's just not that into me or only in a platonic way. There are many hints though that that's not the case, both in what she's saying and her mannerisms. If she isn't into me, that would mean she's being quite manipulative and to be honest, a good actress. It's surely possible, but as long as she gives me no apparent reason otherwise I'm just going to assume she's genuine. Maybe I'm naive or a worse judge of character than I think I am, but I think for now it's benefit of the doubt time. As for the rest, we haven't really talked about dating history, and I'm not going to bring it up in an interrogating way either. If it comes up we'll talk about it and if not I'll just have to wait and see. For good or for bad, I am starting to fall for her, so I'm willing to at least ride it out a little longer. I can't know for sure how long I'll be willing to be patient, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. | ||
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Artisreal
Germany9235 Posts
Depending on where you live I'd recommend bouldering and ultimate frisbee. While the former is more demanding in the sense of approaching strangers on your own while being in a hall, it is generally accepted to go solo and not be awkwardly looked at because you are alone. Also I've met some great people bouldering and entering a conversation is really easy because you can at first talk about the problems you are about to tackle and pick it up from there. As to Ultimate Frisbee, the sport seems to attract open, welcoming people, requires high activity, team play and is played without a referee. I've picked it up this summer and am blown away by the friendlieness of my club (other teams I've met during a tourney were amazing as well) and the sheer fun of running around and throwing discs. During play you switch between bench and field constantly, thus have time to socialize as well, if you want. Wooh! And I disagree that change is undesirable. Hard/demanding maybe but also rewarding. So go for it, try it out. Be honest with yourself and quit if it doesn't do you no good. Though don't quit before you try it. And honestly try. | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
On November 18 2016 23:27 Broetchenholer wrote: And changing is hard and undesirable. Changing is hard sure, but I agree with Artisreal, it can be very rewarding. I did not think I would enjoy dating as much as I have. Of course there are times when you wish you just would be done with dating strangers, but meeting random people is often a lot of fun. Undesirable...? In what way is it undesireable? I only think it's undesirable for you, however getting out of ones comfort box is good for everyone. One of the reasons I've began dating so many is that I wanted experience, so when I met someone I thought was amazing I wouldn't be scared of asking her out, going on dates and generally being a complete novice in the dating world. | ||
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Broetchenholer
Germany1970 Posts
So in the end, it's just a rant. Finding someone if you are introverted is hard. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
Doing what you doing while not accepting it or at least not working towards taking yourself as the awesome self you consciously chose to be is plain stupid. | ||
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evilfatsh1t
Australia8943 Posts
hes not talking about a smoking habit or biting at his fingernails. youre asking him to change his personality and who he is at the most fundamental level. that shit doesnt not change overnight, if at all. at best its a transformation that takes years, influenced by people around you, work, age and other external factors. introverts do not suddenly become extroverts because "they want to change", and vice versa. socially awkward people do not suddenly stop being socially awkward. people who enjoy drinking and clubbing dont suddenly want to play board games every weekend. etc hes sad because he knows the situation/environment hes in does not accommadate to his relationship needs despite him wanting it. if he maybe lived in a different city with larger 'feeding grounds' then maybe he wouldnt be sad because he can get what he wants without having to change who he is, but that isnt the case hence the sadness. its pretty fking ignorant to suggest that just because there arent that many women available he should radically open himself up to make more women available to him | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
Why change who you are, just change small things you do. But he specifically said he's not willing to change any of his habits , then there's only work to be done on self acceptance | ||
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Rocket-Bear
3070 Posts
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GoTuNk!
Chile4591 Posts
I remember being shitless scared to talking to woman. Removing all the self-doubt and second guessing in yourself, both in relationship to woman and other stuff, is def worth it. | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
On November 19 2016 20:02 evilfatsh1t wrote: "put in the effort and change your habits" is a load of shit. hes not talking about a smoking habit or biting at his fingernails. youre asking him to change his personality and who he is at the most fundamental level. that shit doesnt not change overnight, if at all. at best its a transformation that takes years, influenced by people around you, work, age and other external factors. No he is not. Biting your fingernails is a lot harder to stop than to start seeing women. Trying to meet women is just making an effort at a few specific moments. Downloading tinder, approaching a girl that you think looks cute on the street, ask someone you're talking to at a party for a number etc On November 19 2016 20:02 evilfatsh1t wrote: introverts do not suddenly become extroverts because "they want to change", and vice versa. socially awkward people do not suddenly stop being socially awkward. people who enjoy drinking and clubbing dont suddenly want to play board games every weekend. etc hes sad because he knows the situation/environment hes in does not accommadate to his relationship needs despite him wanting it. if he maybe lived in a different city with larger 'feeding grounds' then maybe he wouldnt be sad because he can get what he wants without having to change who he is, but that isnt the case hence the sadness. its pretty fking ignorant to suggest that just because there arent that many women available he should radically open himself up to make more women available to him Nobody has said anything about him needing to turn into an extrovert. Just because you are an introverted person does not mean you are bound to dwell in your basement for an eternity, that is ignorant thinking if anything. Nobody has said it is going to be easy either. To complain about not getting a girlfriend/meeting women without doing anything to get towards that goal is pretty childish. | ||
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evilfatsh1t
Australia8943 Posts
heres an anology for you guys. you work in an office 9-5 as a highly productive and efficient worker, but you never overtime or come early because you love having time to spare for your family and personal life. your boss favours workers who put in additional hours and therefore doesnt appreciate you as much. by you guys' logic, this worker should obviously change his "habits" in order to not get overlooked by his boss or accept the fact that hell never get promoted. well congratulations, he now hates his job because he had to change his lifestyle and can no longer just do what he enjoys. its the exact fking same with what youre asking broetchenholer to do pretty much. you guys just dont see it because you dont understand why others might not like it. from what i can see broetchenholer is complaining about his situation just like the worker would complain about wanting a fair boss. | ||
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Acrofales
Spain18488 Posts
On November 19 2016 23:35 evilfatsh1t wrote: here come all the guys who enjoy talking to random chicks and cant fathom why someone else may find that uncomfortable. heres an anology for you guys. you work in an office 9-5 as a highly productive and efficient worker, but you never overtime or come early because you love having time to spare for your family and personal life. your boss favours workers who put in additional hours and therefore doesnt appreciate you as much. by you guys' logic, this worker should obviously change his "habits" in order to not get overlooked by his boss or accept the fact that hell never get promoted. well congratulations, he now hates his job because he had to change his lifestyle and can no longer just do what he enjoys. its the exact fking same with what youre asking broetchenholer to do pretty much. you guys just dont see it because you dont understand why others might not like it. from what i can see broetchenholer is complaining about his situation just like the worker would complain about wanting a fair boss. Life isn't fair. You can complain about that boss all you like, but that won't get you promoted. Your choices are: changing yourself, changing jobs (moving) or accepting your status quo. While the latter doesn't really require you to stop moaning about it on an online forum, you shouldn't really expect sympathy there either: if you don't want to change your situation, then deal with it. Especially as there are a lot more fun ways of going out and meeting new people than forced overtime. Any sport, or hobby activity you thought might be interesting? Find a group and see if it is interesting. You'll meet people while having fun! | ||
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Th1rdEye
United States1074 Posts
You gotta be happy with who you are before you'll ever be able to be in a relationship. All it took was me to eat LSD for the first time in 2-3 years and within a day I met the love of my life  edit: This was after a semi mental breakdown the week or two prior about how I was fed up with the way things were going. So maybe deep trauma or breakthroughs are an important low in finding a high point. 2 cents. | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
On November 20 2016 01:27 Th1rdEye wrote: I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for nearly 4 1/2 years. You gotta be happy with who you are before you'll ever be able to be in a relationship. All it took was me to eat LSD for the first time in 2-3 years and within a day I met the love of my life edit: This was after a semi mental breakdown the week or two prior about how I was fed up with the way things were going. So maybe deep trauma or breakthroughs are an important low in finding a high point. 2 cents. Haha, I don't know how much drugs will help you with dating But I do appreciate drugs, I think my personality changed a bit after the first time I did ecstasy. | ||
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IgnE
United States7684 Posts
On November 18 2016 22:30 LemOn wrote: She might like him very much, just not romantically - what's strange with that. because she would have to be cruel or stupid to not know that she was leading him on. or she's been crystal clear that she's not into him, and he's ignorant/stupid for not realizing it. but i like to give people the benefit of the doubt. | ||
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xDaunt
United States17988 Posts
On November 20 2016 03:02 IgnE wrote: because she would have to be cruel or stupid to not know that she was leading him on. or she's been crystal clear that she's not into him, and he's ignorant/stupid for not realizing it. but i like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Don't ever rule that one out. That one's happened to me before. Sometimes girls like to have a backup guy available, both to give them company when they're lonely and to use as a foil to snag the guys that they really want. | ||
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Mikau
Netherlands1446 Posts
On November 20 2016 03:02 IgnE wrote: because she would have to be cruel or stupid to not know that she was leading him on. or she's been crystal clear that she's not into him, and he's ignorant/stupid for not realizing it. but i like to give people the benefit of the doubt. She claims to like me, and she knows I like her. So that would make her very cruel for leading me on. You could think I'm naive or stupid for believing she isn't intentionally leading me on, but I'd rather believe people aren't cruel unless proven otherwise. That coupled with clues and mannerisms that show me she is being truthful (though I might be a bad judge of character) means I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt for now. | ||
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xDaunt
United States17988 Posts
On November 20 2016 05:27 Mikau wrote: She claims to like me, and she knows I like her. So that would make her very cruel for leading me on. You could think I'm naive or stupid for believing she isn't intentionally leading me on, but I'd rather believe people aren't cruel unless proven otherwise. That coupled with clues and mannerisms that show me she is being truthful (though I might be a bad judge of character) means I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt for now. What do your friends think of her? Especially any female friends of yours? You need some third-party vetting because people in your position are utterly incapable of clearly seeing what's going on. | ||
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