|
We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On December 03 2014 05:10 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:
SCiberia, that sounds like puppy love/ lust. You don't really have time to create a solid relationship, and I think it would be pretty irresponsible of her to mess up her college plans to try and pursue a currently-nonexistent relationship with you.
You can let her know how you feel, but if she's relatively set in her goals, I wouldn't push her too hard.
You are completely right, sir, it will be unfair to her.
I will gently try to pinpoint how solid her plans are and if she can change them (from what I've heard from her I can understand that she is still uncertain). Afterwards I will act.. or not act..
|
On December 03 2014 05:36 SCiberia wrote:Show nested quote +On December 03 2014 05:10 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:
SCiberia, that sounds like puppy love/ lust. You don't really have time to create a solid relationship, and I think it would be pretty irresponsible of her to mess up her college plans to try and pursue a currently-nonexistent relationship with you.
You can let her know how you feel, but if she's relatively set in her goals, I wouldn't push her too hard. You are completely right, sir, it will be unfair to her. I will gently try to pinpoint how solid her plans are and if she can change them (from what I've heard from her I can understand that she is still uncertain). Afterwards I will act.. or not act..
Good luck 
|
you can try go out with her and if you still think you 2 should be together by the time she leaves, go on exchange to her university. worst case scenario is you break up but you still get to visit another country
|
On December 03 2014 05:05 SCiberia wrote:
Ok, guys, probably you can give an advice in my situation.
Less than 2 month ago I met a girl at the university. She is an exchange student and will return to her home university in 2 month, 99% I will never see her again after that.
I like her and she seems to like me. She is happy to see me and always shines when we talk to each other. (We dont meet often though, 1-2 times a week). I really feel that she is the right person for me. I want to ask her on a date and afterwards try to convince her to stay at least for 1 year more (there is such an option). For this gamble I really need to speed the things up. For now my idea is to straightforwardly say that I like her and want to ask her out. But she can obviously say no, because there are only 2 month left (in fact, it is only 1 month, because the other month she will be studying very hard to pass the exams).
What to do in this situation? Is it hopeless or it is still worth trying?
A couple of questions you should always be asking yourself:
"Is this woman the mother of my child?"
"Can I do better?"
"Can I tolerate living with this person for the rest of my life?"
If all the answers come to be negative, then you should always treat it like fling that can end at any time and prepare your mental state for the moment of cessation.
Now, those questions all needs some kind of process to determine. You DON'T, I repeat DON'T decide these things from the first encounter. You make it a testing process.
Go set up a date with her and make SURE that you guys are on the same page for various of subject such as sexually, general life philosophy, hobbies, world interests, etc.
If you guys ain't on the same page for these things, then the continuation of dating each other are both pointless and time-wasting.
So please, for your own sake make sure that you verify your life goals and interest. And really go deep into them too, don't just ask questions like "Hey, do you like X, Y, and Z?" that can have a simple Yes and No answers. Instead ask her about "So what do you think about A?" in order for her to respond in more details.
Personally, it seems to me that you are having confidence issues. You want to "convince" her to like you, you treat your plans as a "gamble".
If you can, flip the script. Think of all the positive things about you, such as your skills, kindness, your future prospect, your sense of humor, intelligence, and even personal appearance. Now pit it against her kindness, skills, future prospect, appearances, sense of humor, intelligence.
Sometime you think to yourself "Wait a moment, I think I'm much better than her. Why do I have to be the one that impresses and not the other way around?"
This helps you to improve your confidence and so does your charisma.
When this happens, you will be more attractive.
|
Yes, because those questions can be answered before you even know the girl at an intimate level? Oh, and "can I do better" is an absolutely terrible question, that has no useful answer: you shouldn't stay with a girl you don't like, because of fear you won't ever find someone else (or better). Alternatively you should never have as the reason to break up with a girl that you think you can hook up with someone hotter (or "better" in whatever nebulous way you define that).
Sciberbia: ask her out, have fun, and if it works out and you fall desperately in love with each other, figure. out a way to make it work. No need to figure out her plans until you actually go out with her and know for sure you want her to stay longer.
|
On December 03 2014 09:08 Acrofales wrote:
Yes, because those questions can be answered before you even know the girl at an intimate level? Oh, and "can I do better" is an absolutely terrible question, that has no useful answer: you shouldn't stay with a girl you don't like, because of fear you won't ever find someone else (or better). Alternatively you should never have as the reason to break up with a girl that you think you can hook up with someone hotter (or "better" in whatever nebulous way you define that).
Sciberbia: ask her out, have fun, and if it works out and you fall desperately in love with each other, figure. out a way to make it work. No need to figure out her plans until you actually go out with her and know for sure you want her to stay longer.
Yeah, way to skip the rest of the post.
But hey if you want to fuck up you life (and hers) w/o thinking clearly for any future prospect, then you go straight ahead!
|
I can't find the AskReddit thread where I found it, but I've been able to talk to a lot more girls recently by imagining them sitting on the toilet. Like, everyone from you to your grandma to Vladimir Putin to Kim Kardashian, about once a day, has to sit down and drop a deuce. And it's kinda funny thinking about them running into problems once in a while, having to get the plunger out and count to sixty waiting for the water to go down, etc. It takes all the fear out of starting conversations. And every time I get scared of talking to someone new, even if it won't work out, at least I can have a giggle in my head about them out of breath on the porcelain throne after a night of Indian food or something.
|
United States15275 Posts
Don't disparage Xiphos. His advice is fine.
|
On December 03 2014 09:04 Xiphos wrote:Show nested quote +On December 03 2014 05:05 SCiberia wrote:
Ok, guys, probably you can give an advice in my situation.
Less than 2 month ago I met a girl at the university. She is an exchange student and will return to her home university in 2 month, 99% I will never see her again after that.
I like her and she seems to like me. She is happy to see me and always shines when we talk to each other. (We dont meet often though, 1-2 times a week). I really feel that she is the right person for me. I want to ask her on a date and afterwards try to convince her to stay at least for 1 year more (there is such an option). For this gamble I really need to speed the things up. For now my idea is to straightforwardly say that I like her and want to ask her out. But she can obviously say no, because there are only 2 month left (in fact, it is only 1 month, because the other month she will be studying very hard to pass the exams).
What to do in this situation? Is it hopeless or it is still worth trying? A couple of questions you should always be asking yourself:
"Is this woman the mother of my child?"
"Can I do better?"
"Can I tolerate living with this person for the rest of my life?"
If all the answers come to be negative, then you should always treat it like fling that can end at any time and prepare your mental state for the moment of cessation.Now, those questions all needs some kind of process to determine. You DON'T, I repeat DON'T decide these things from the first encounter. You make it a testing process. Go set up a date with her and make SURE that you guys are on the same page for various of subject such as sexually, general life philosophy, hobbies, world interests, etc.
If you guys ain't on the same page for these things, then the continuation of dating each other are both pointless and time-wasting.
So please, for your own sake make sure that you verify your life goals and interest. And really go deep into them too, don't just ask questions like "Hey, do you like X, Y, and Z?" that can have a simple Yes and No answers. Instead ask her about "So what do you think about A?" in order for her to respond in more details. Personally, it seems to me that you are having confidence issues. You want to "convince" her to like you, you treat your plans as a "gamble". If you can, flip the script. Think of all the positive things about you, such as your skills, kindness, your future prospect, your sense of humor, intelligence, and even personal appearance. Now pit it against her kindness, skills, future prospect, appearances, sense of humor, intelligence. Sometime you think to yourself "Wait a moment, I think I'm much better than her. Why do I have to be the one that impresses and not the other way around?"
This helps you to improve your confidence and so does your charisma.When this happens, you will be more attractive.
I think those three questions can be useful for older guys looking to settle down, but keep in mind there's still quite the spectrum between "just a fling" and "ready to have kids", especially at a younger age. SCiberia is in university at the moment, so he might not be thinking about having kids with this new crush just yet (nor does he realistically need to at this point in time). You can certainly date (even exclusively) for a while before even considering those three big questions you proposed. I'm sure most people haven't considered living with every girlfriend for the rest of their lives, especially when they're still in school.
Also, you may learn the answers to those questions through dating someone over a period of time; you probably won't know right off the bat, especially in SCiberia's situation.
Finally, in regards to your comment on confidence and who should be impressing who... both participants should be engaging in some sort of dance between making an effort to communicate affection while not compromising their entire identity just to appease their new flame. Show interest but not desperation, etc.; most importantly, it should come from both parties. You won't gain any confidence if you try acting like a cocky jerk and it turns girls away, so you need to be careful.
EDIT: You also make a first date sound like a job interview or a speed round. He doesn't need a checklist to get his date to agree upon on the first date or else "dating is pointless". That's both unromantic and unrealistic.
|
On December 03 2014 09:49 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:
I can't find the AskReddit thread where I found it, but I've been able to talk to a lot more girls recently by imagining them sitting on the toilet. Like, everyone from you to your grandma to Vladimir Putin to Kim Kardashian, about once a day, has to sit down and drop a deuce. And it's kinda funny thinking about them running into problems once in a while, having to get the plunger out and count to sixty waiting for the water to go down, etc. It takes all the fear out of starting conversations. And every time I get scared of talking to someone new, even if it won't work out, at least I can have a giggle in my head about them out of breath on the porcelain throne after a night of Indian food or something.
Haha that's awesome... it reminds me of the public speaking tactic where if you get nervous you should just picture the crowd naked. Also, why are you a drone? o.O
|
On December 03 2014 11:38 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Show nested quote +On December 03 2014 09:04 Xiphos wrote:On December 03 2014 05:05 SCiberia wrote:
Ok, guys, probably you can give an advice in my situation.
Less than 2 month ago I met a girl at the university. She is an exchange student and will return to her home university in 2 month, 99% I will never see her again after that.
I like her and she seems to like me. She is happy to see me and always shines when we talk to each other. (We dont meet often though, 1-2 times a week). I really feel that she is the right person for me. I want to ask her on a date and afterwards try to convince her to stay at least for 1 year more (there is such an option). For this gamble I really need to speed the things up. For now my idea is to straightforwardly say that I like her and want to ask her out. But she can obviously say no, because there are only 2 month left (in fact, it is only 1 month, because the other month she will be studying very hard to pass the exams).
What to do in this situation? Is it hopeless or it is still worth trying? A couple of questions you should always be asking yourself:
"Is this woman the mother of my child?"
"Can I do better?"
"Can I tolerate living with this person for the rest of my life?"
If all the answers come to be negative, then you should always treat it like fling that can end at any time and prepare your mental state for the moment of cessation.Now, those questions all needs some kind of process to determine. You DON'T, I repeat DON'T decide these things from the first encounter. You make it a testing process. Go set up a date with her and make SURE that you guys are on the same page for various of subject such as sexually, general life philosophy, hobbies, world interests, etc. If you guys ain't on the same page for these things, then the continuation of dating each other are both pointless and time-wasting. So please, for your own sake make sure that you verify your life goals and interest. And really go deep into them too, don't just ask questions like "Hey, do you like X, Y, and Z?" that can have a simple Yes and No answers. Instead ask her about "So what do you think about A?" in order for her to respond in more details. Personally, it seems to me that you are having confidence issues. You want to "convince" her to like you, you treat your plans as a "gamble". If you can, flip the script. Think of all the positive things about you, such as your skills, kindness, your future prospect, your sense of humor, intelligence, and even personal appearance. Now pit it against her kindness, skills, future prospect, appearances, sense of humor, intelligence. Sometime you think to yourself "Wait a moment, I think I'm much better than her. Why do I have to be the one that impresses and not the other way around?"
This helps you to improve your confidence and so does your charisma.When this happens, you will be more attractive. I think those three questions can be useful for older guys looking to settle down, but keep in mind there's still quite the spectrum between "just a fling" and "ready to have kids", especially at a younger age. SCiberia is in university at the moment, so he might not be thinking about having kids with this new crush just yet (nor does he realistically need to at this point in time). You can certainly date (even exclusively) for a while before even considering those three big questions you proposed. I'm sure most people haven't considered living with every girlfriend for the rest of their lives, especially when they're still in school. Also, you may learn the answers to those questions through dating someone over a period of time; you probably won't know right off the bat, especially in SCiberia's situation. Finally, in regards to your comment on confidence and who should be impressing who... both participants should be engaging in some sort of dance between making an effort to communicate affection while not compromising their entire identity just to appease their new flame. Show interest but not desperation, etc.; most importantly, it should come from both parties. You won't gain any confidence if you try acting like a cocky jerk and it turns girls away, so you need to be careful.
That's why you have an interview process to learn each other.
Its when you have to examine the situation from all variables.
There are many cases where there are literally red flags everywhere on this broad.
And the guy sitting there going: "Hey as long as I can get my dick in her, I don't fucking care." and then proceed on marrying her despite of her other flaws.
As stated, always keep on analyzing.
When I go out there and shop for a suitable mate. There are cases where after the interview process that the girl is currently participating some higher potential subjects than what I do, have better skills in either art/language, or have more knowledge than me in world events, go to gym regularly AND isn't a cunt; then there really is nothing that I can do but to up my game and accept that I have to be the one that puts in that extra effort to maintain the relationship.
And then when the spectrum where the girl is being a complete bitch, acts like she is all that, then of course I will be acting out differently. It akin to "Woah girl, just because you have a cunt, doesn't excuse you to be one."
But the thing is that, we as a species should be promoting the first exhibit of individuals but there are also men who fall head over heel just because a girl have a pretty face. This just further enforces those type of behaviors.
Its all about that supply and demand.
|
Xiphos, have you ever actually performed your recommended "interview process" on a first date before? A set up where you "make SURE that you guys are on the same page for various of subject such as sexually, general life philosophy, hobbies, world interests, etc."? I'm honestly curious how such a date goes, since you sound like you're a boss interviewing a possible employee and totally sapping the romance out of a first date. Do you actually have a checklist and rate a new girl or something? Because according to you, your hypothetical date will 99% of the time end with you saying "I'm sorry, we're not compatible; there's no need for us to waste our time with a second date. Have a nice life." Is that what actually happens? You shake hands and go your separate ways or something? It sounds very Sheldon Cooper-esque.
|
Thanks for the advice guys . Late response I know, but I appreciate the constructive feedback.
Backpacking through Europe is definitely out right now as I am in residency and can only take week long vacations at the maximum (and still have to worry about paying off student loans for the time being) but may be up for consideration between finishing residency and starting my job.
|
"So tell me about yourself"
"Oh yeah that sounds cool, can you elaborate more?"
"Oh you are into that too! That's awesome! So what did you find the most interesting about his latest work?"
"Hey have you heard about what happened recently, how strange was that? What do you think about it?"
"Did you always want to go into this field, what other dreams did you have?"
"Oh, I like hiking too. We should go together, sit on the top of hill, have a picnic, and who knows what comes afterward."
etc.
There is a way to playfully get to know the other person's true self.
|
On December 03 2014 12:10 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:
Xiphos, have you ever actually performed your recommended "interview process" on a first date before? A set up where you "make SURE that you guys are on the same page for various of subject such as sexually, general life philosophy, hobbies, world interests, etc."? I'm honestly curious how such a date goes, since you sound like you're a boss interviewing a possible employee and totally sapping the romance out of a first date. Do you actually have a checklist and rate a new girl or something? Because according to you, your hypothetical date will 99% of the time end with you saying "I'm sorry, we're not compatible; there's no need for us to waste our time with a second date. Have a nice life." Is that what actually happens? You shake hands and go your separate ways or something? It sounds very Sheldon Cooper-esque.
You don't have to specifically state a question and wait for a response in order to get information. It would be like a job interviewer asking you, "Do you have excellent computer skills, yes or no? Do you know how to use the photocopier, yes or no?" and taking the responses at face value.
You can subtly lead a conversation into almost any direction and generally speaking there is no real need to ask an outright specific question to get the answer you want. It's why job interviewers ask questions that try and get you to outline your thought process and/or use examples from your past to get a better idea of the candidate's suitability.
And Xiphos I think the best relationships are the ones where your strong skills are complementary such that you both think you are getting the better end of the bargain.
|
On December 03 2014 12:25 Xiphos wrote:
"So tell me about yourself"
"Oh yeah that sounds cool, can you elaborate more?"
"Oh you are into that too! That's awesome! So what did you find the most interesting about his latest work?"
"Hey have you heard about what happened recently, how strange was that? What do you think about it?"
"Did you always want to go into this field, what other dreams did you have?"
"Oh, I like hiking too. We should go together, sit on the top of hill, have a picnic, and who knows what comes afterward."
etc.
There is a way to playfully get to know the other person's true self.
I'm totally fine with casual conversation and playful discussion, and definitely okay with those questions. They sound normal and appropriate for a first date. I must have misunderstood you, because that doesn't sound to me like a standard "interview process" where your goal is to find out the answers to the three necessary questions that you listed for deciding the fate of a first date: "Is this woman the mother of my child?", "Can I do better?", and "Can I tolerate living with this person for the rest of my life?" The list of quotes you just made sound very different than the protocol you were talking about earlier, unless I missed something.
|
On December 03 2014 12:27 Yoz wrote:Show nested quote +On December 03 2014 12:10 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:
Xiphos, have you ever actually performed your recommended "interview process" on a first date before? A set up where you "make SURE that you guys are on the same page for various of subject such as sexually, general life philosophy, hobbies, world interests, etc."? I'm honestly curious how such a date goes, since you sound like you're a boss interviewing a possible employee and totally sapping the romance out of a first date. Do you actually have a checklist and rate a new girl or something? Because according to you, your hypothetical date will 99% of the time end with you saying "I'm sorry, we're not compatible; there's no need for us to waste our time with a second date. Have a nice life." Is that what actually happens? You shake hands and go your separate ways or something? It sounds very Sheldon Cooper-esque. You don't have to specifically state a question and wait for a response in order to get information. It would be like a job interviewer asking you, "Do you have excellent computer skills, yes or no? Do you know how to use the photocopier, yes or no?" and taking the responses at face value. You can subtly lead a conversation into almost any direction and generally speaking there is no real need to ask an outright specific question to get the answer you want. It's why job interviewers ask questions that try and get you to outline your thought process and/or use examples from your past to get a better idea of the candidate's suitability.
I agree; I just don't think that the three answers you need to know by the end of your first date- regardless of how old or experienced you are- are "Is this woman the mother of my child?", "Can I do better?", and "Can I tolerate living with this person for the rest of my life?", which is what Xiphos said.
|
On December 03 2014 11:48 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Show nested quote +On December 03 2014 09:49 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:
I can't find the AskReddit thread where I found it, but I've been able to talk to a lot more girls recently by imagining them sitting on the toilet. Like, everyone from you to your grandma to Vladimir Putin to Kim Kardashian, about once a day, has to sit down and drop a deuce. And it's kinda funny thinking about them running into problems once in a while, having to get the plunger out and count to sixty waiting for the water to go down, etc. It takes all the fear out of starting conversations. And every time I get scared of talking to someone new, even if it won't work out, at least I can have a giggle in my head about them out of breath on the porcelain throne after a night of Indian food or something. Haha that's awesome... it reminds me of the public speaking tactic where if you get nervous you should just picture the crowd naked. Also, why are you a drone? o.O
Some people look too damn good naked. It's part of my motivation for going after them  But nobody looks good or at least dignified taking a huge dump.
I asked to be a drone, so a drone I shall be!
|
On December 03 2014 04:17 docvoc wrote:Show nested quote +On December 02 2014 08:03 Kyo Yuy wrote:On December 01 2014 13:17 CosmicSpiral wrote:
Stop focusing on girls and focus on making yourself a better, more dynamic person. Can you elaborate? You mention the problem but the solution is not very well laid out. I can, and I'll be straight with you. There are a lot of guys just like you. Screw the word "dynamic" it means nothing to you right now. You need to get some hobbies going, go traveling and find yourself. You just finished med school, now is the perfect time before starting fellowships or any of the other responsibilities you will find yourself in very soon. What you need to do is understand yourself and then you will understand why you should matter to girls. (This is about to get a bit Aristotelian, but bear with me) I frequently find that guys that feel they lack confidence or seem needy are that way because they don't see their value to others, and those that are foolhardy and overconfident are in a much better dating spot even if that is still not the best place to be. For you to get the benefits you're talking about, you need find why a girl should date you inside yourself, and believe me, its all there. I would suggest you do three things before you get a job in the medical field. 1st is read. I want you to pick up some books off a top 100 list or off a must read list - a pick some poetry too (please for the love of god read poetry). 2nd is travel, take some time off and go backpacking across Latin America/Europe/Central America/Africa/Asia - you need to give yourself time to experience other ways of life as opposed to the very stringent environment that medical school creates. 3rd, get yourself a hobby or two, it can be a sport, an instrument, a type of art, really anything like that - these demonstrate what you have to offer other people to yourself and are often great ways of meeting other people.
I don't particularly like this advice. People ask "How can I make myself more interesting" and the answer is "jetset around the world and read a ton and do all this other stuff". Sure, those things would help. But a boring person can do that just as well as an interesting person - it's not the events and knowledge that a person has/has done that make them interesting. It's their personality - the way they approach life. How you develop an interesting personality itself is a hard question but here's my take - open yourself up more.
Reading, as doc mentioned, does help. Read new perspectives, new information that challenges you, new activities that you've never had or even though about trying. Reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, for example, gave me a huge appreciation for the difference in travelling on a motorcycle versus travelling in a car. And think about the perspectives, too. Don't just think to yourself "oh, that's a cool idea." Look at how they formed the impression and why. Art, in general, allows for this.
In your social life, being more honest helps. More importantly, putting yourself out of your comfort zone in general is extremely useful and EXHILIRATING! So many people have problems asking girls out, etc... but if you do it once, it gets easier to do again and again. Your comfort zone expands when you push it. And having a large comfort zone helps make a person interesting.
Finally, related to doc's hobby points, and the previous 2 points, finding an interest, or multiple interests, for you is great.
So in contrast to doc's overall point, it's not external things or activities that make a person interesting. It's what's inside you that really make you interesting. External things can try to make up for or accentuate internal characteristics, but they can't form interesting substance on their own.
You'll notice most of what I said is the same as doc, but with a different view or intention. And in my opinion, that distinction is important.
|
On December 03 2014 14:17 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:Show nested quote +On December 03 2014 11:48 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:On December 03 2014 09:49 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:
I can't find the AskReddit thread where I found it, but I've been able to talk to a lot more girls recently by imagining them sitting on the toilet. Like, everyone from you to your grandma to Vladimir Putin to Kim Kardashian, about once a day, has to sit down and drop a deuce. And it's kinda funny thinking about them running into problems once in a while, having to get the plunger out and count to sixty waiting for the water to go down, etc. It takes all the fear out of starting conversations. And every time I get scared of talking to someone new, even if it won't work out, at least I can have a giggle in my head about them out of breath on the porcelain throne after a night of Indian food or something. Haha that's awesome... it reminds me of the public speaking tactic where if you get nervous you should just picture the crowd naked. Also, why are you a drone? o.O Some people look too damn good naked. It's part of my motivation for going after them But nobody looks good or at least dignified taking a huge dump. I asked to be a drone, so a drone I shall be!
Haha fair enough ^^
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
