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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
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4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On November 30 2014 07:51 arb wrote:
i think you were just dragging ass and not making any aggressive moves(like taking control of the situation) so you seemed like a pussy and that might be why she didnt want to do anything
How could I have taken control of the situation I did everything I could do to be respectful and make sure she was comfortable. I did not want to push her and now I am in a situation where there is no clear way for me to go.
Edit: I appreciate you saying it seemed like I was a pussy and not that I am a pussy I am grateful. I thought talking to her about it was me putting me foot down and sorting things out but im just left with more questions.
CosmicSpiral
She wants you to chase. Don't chase. Move on.
This is what I think is happening. Has this happened to you before? What do people say? When I was talking to her yesterday on the phone she basically told me "So its either we are dating or we are just friends" and I did not really know what to say. It seems like being between dating and being friends is a very big gray area that i don't completely feel comfortable being in.
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Dating is so difficult in the Bible Belt if you aren't religious. Only girls not from here I have found to not be also.
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On November 30 2014 08:02 KaiserKieran wrote:Show nested quote +On November 30 2014 07:51 arb wrote:
i think you were just dragging ass and not making any aggressive moves(like taking control of the situation) so you seemed like a pussy and that might be why she didnt want to do anything How could I have taken control of the situation I did everything I could do to be respectful and make sure she was comfortable. I did not want to push her and now I am in a situation where there is no clear way for me to go. Edit: I appreciate you saying it seemed like I was a pussy and not that I am a pussy I am grateful. I thought talking to her about it was me putting me foot down and sorting things out but im just left with more questions. This is what I think is happening. Has this happened to you before? What do people say? When I was talking to her yesterday on the phone she basically told me "So its either we are dating or we are just friends" and I did not really know what to say. It seems like being between dating and being friends is a very big gray area that i don't completely feel comfortable being in.
Then you need to lay down the law and tell her either you are together or you arent, and you arent gonna do this in between bullshit. And if she keeps wanting to play stupid games with you just drop her and move on to the next one
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I texted her yesterday to sort things out.
Me:Hey I was thinking about what we talked about yesterday and how you wanted to be more than friends. I was thinking that if you wanted that type of relationship why haven't we hooked up yet?
Rachel: I'm not really sure, two out of the three times we were at a party and the other time we were with (Her bestfriend) so I didn't feel like that was an appropriate time. Also I'm sorry I called you last night. That wasn't appropriate.
Me: It was appropriate to call me it was fine. I just wanna know why you felt uncomfortable.
Rachel: Because at both parties we were in social situations and I didnt want to leave everyone because I was having a good time. And at my house (Her bestfriend) was there.
Me: I understand what you're talking about when it comes to the parties but I thought at (Her bestfriends) was the ideal situation because she was basically asking if she wanted to leave you with just me.
Rachel: Because I wasn't gonna kick my friend out of the room. She was at my house I wasn't gonna ask her to leave or go hang out with my mom.
Me: Can I be upfront with you?
Rachel: Yes.
Me: I like you but the best thing for us is to just be friends.
Rachel: Okay.
Me: I don't want you to take it the wrong way. You are a really nice person and I like talking to you.
Rachel: Nope I totally get it.
End Convo.
So I put my foot down and ended whatever was going on. It feels kind of good to have some closure. I don't know what this means from here on out with how she'll treat me but I am gonna do my best to treat her like a friend. I appreciate all the advice.
I'm sure I'll feel like shit sometime during the next 2 weeks trying to get over my feelings but in the long run I think this is the best thing for me.
Once again I appreciate all the advice everyone has given me. I did my best.
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On November 30 2014 08:06 crayhasissues wrote:
Dating is so difficult in the Bible Belt if you aren't religious. Only girls not from here I have found to not be also.
It's aptly named! Are you in high school/ college/ working? You might consider moving to the west coast or northeast if you're looking for a less religious/ less socially conservative demographic.
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On December 01 2014 06:03 KaiserKieran wrote:I texted her yesterday to sort things out. Show nested quote +
Me:Hey I was thinking about what we talked about yesterday and how you wanted to be more than friends. I was thinking that if you wanted that type of relationship why haven't we hooked up yet?
Rachel: I'm not really sure, two out of the three times we were at a party and the other time we were with (Her bestfriend) so I didn't feel like that was an appropriate time. Also I'm sorry I called you last night. That wasn't appropriate.
Me: It was appropriate to call me it was fine. I just wanna know why you felt uncomfortable.
Rachel: Because at both parties we were in social situations and I didnt want to leave everyone because I was having a good time. And at my house (Her bestfriend) was there.
Me: I understand what you're talking about when it comes to the parties but I thought at (Her bestfriends) was the ideal situation because she was basically asking if she wanted to leave you with just me.
Rachel: Because I wasn't gonna kick my friend out of the room. She was at my house I wasn't gonna ask her to leave or go hang out with my mom.
Me: Can I be upfront with you?
Rachel: Yes.
Me: I like you but the best thing for us is to just be friends.
Rachel: Okay.
Me: I don't want you to take it the wrong way. You are a really nice person and I like talking to you.
Rachel: Nope I totally get it.
End Convo. So I put my foot down and ended whatever was going on. It feels kind of good to have some closure. I don't know what this means from here on out with how she'll treat me but I am gonna do my best to treat her like a friend. I appreciate all the advice. I'm sure I'll feel like shit sometime during the next 2 weeks trying to get over my feelings but in the long run I think this is the best thing for me. Once again I appreciate all the advice everyone has given me. I did my best.
Way to go buddy
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She will be back. If that's how you frame it, then that's how it will be.
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So I've been single since 2010, and despite numerous attempts I haven't had any success. I feel that part of my fault is my inability to have "good conversational timing." I also don't know how I'm supposed to get a girl to like me - I know it sounds really stupid but I feel like I'm just giving off the wrong vibes.
I recently finished medical school, and I've been TOLD by others than being a doctor is a huge plus for dating, yet I feel that this year has been the most difficult for me in terms of social interaction (not finding time, just doing it properly). I consider myself average looking - not really ugly nor physically attractive.
I've tried to get to know several girls over the past year. One commonality is that a lot of girls will say fairly early they think I like them - even the ones I'm not interested in.
I don't want to be so passive that I let an opportunity slip, but I also feel like I am being too aggressive and that is scaring girls away. There's also a thought in the back of my head that girls will never like me - that I'm just a creeper and no girl will ever see me as anything more than a friend.
Any thoughts or opinions on the matter? I just feel lost and I don't know what to do.
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United States15275 Posts
On December 01 2014 07:41 Kyo Yuy wrote:
So I've been single since 2010, and despite numerous attempts I haven't had any success. I feel that part of my fault is my inability to have "good conversational timing." I also don't know how I'm supposed to get a girl to like me - I know it sounds really stupid but I feel like I'm just giving off the wrong vibes.
I recently finished medical school, and I've been TOLD by others than being a doctor is a huge plus for dating, yet I feel that this year has been the most difficult for me in terms of social interaction (not finding time, just doing it properly). I consider myself average looking - not really ugly nor physically attractive.
I've tried to get to know several girls over the past year. One commonality is that a lot of girls will say fairly early they think I like them - even the ones I'm not interested in.
I don't want to be so passive that I let an opportunity slip, but I also feel like I am being too aggressive and that is scaring girls away. There's also a thought in the back of my head that girls will never like me - that I'm just a creeper and no girl will ever see me as anything more than a friend.
Any thoughts or opinions on the matter? I just feel lost and I don't know what to do.
Do you want to like girls or do you want girls to like you? There is no splitting the difference.
Being a doctor means nothing unless you want these women to think of you as a provider. Most success derived from that position is a placebo effect.
As said girls mentioned, you are too needy for their approval and affection.
Stop focusing on girls and focus on making yourself a better, more dynamic person.
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I actually feel like i am making progress for once but everytime i say that i speak too soon, and this is kind of a complicated situation which is like idk.
fuck.
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On December 01 2014 13:17 CosmicSpiral wrote:
Stop focusing on girls and focus on making yourself a better, more dynamic person.
Can you elaborate? You mention the problem but the solution is not very well laid out.
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On December 02 2014 07:55 arb wrote:
I actually feel like i am making progress for once but everytime i say that i speak too soon, and this is kind of a complicated situation which is like idk.
fuck.
You and me both brother
I'm bordering on success but I've been wrong about that many times before
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On December 02 2014 14:56 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:Show nested quote +On December 02 2014 07:55 arb wrote:
I actually feel like i am making progress for once but everytime i say that i speak too soon, and this is kind of a complicated situation which is like idk.
fuck. You and me both brother I'm bordering on success but I've been wrong about that many times before
I have better vibes about this one but it is such a fucked up situation i could be completely wrong.
I dont think and certainly dont hope im wrong but you never know
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United States15275 Posts
On December 02 2014 08:03 Kyo Yuy wrote:Show nested quote +On December 01 2014 13:17 CosmicSpiral wrote:
Stop focusing on girls and focus on making yourself a better, more dynamic person. Can you elaborate? You mention the problem but the solution is not very well laid out.
I can't elaborate any further.I have a specific idea of what constitutes a great person. I could tell you exactly what that is and how you ought to reach it. But then it wouldn't be your definition, it would be mine. You're a different person than me and you would inevitably become unhappy if you tried to fulfill my vision. You have to know what you want out of life and pursue it.
You have a lot of mental clutter to navigate though, so I recommend prioritizing the other things in your life before worrying about women. Some of your issues will disappear as you acquire confidence and competence, others you'll have to face head-on (in particular your preoccupation with your looks).
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On December 02 2014 08:03 Kyo Yuy wrote:Show nested quote +On December 01 2014 13:17 CosmicSpiral wrote:
Stop focusing on girls and focus on making yourself a better, more dynamic person. Can you elaborate? You mention the problem but the solution is not very well laid out.
You should ignore him, that's the solution. No offense meant. Instead of trying to change yourself into a better more dynamic person, you could also just accept who you are. Thinking that you have to change implies that you think you're not good enough. But even if you change, when will you think that it's good enough? Probably never.
So seriously, stop with the whole hierarchy, and stop using terms like "better". If you pull "value" out of the equation, if you stop comparing stuff on a lopsided scale, you'll probably end up more content. Just accept yourself, it makes it a lot easier for other people to accept you.
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Maybe as a doctor you should have a reputation for compassion, hard work and brilliance and eventually the other people at the hospital will come to respect you and help set you up on dates. Then all you have to do is be friendly and engaging.
As an intelligent person with no personality problems the odds are in your favor.
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On December 02 2014 08:03 Kyo Yuy wrote:Show nested quote +On December 01 2014 13:17 CosmicSpiral wrote:
Stop focusing on girls and focus on making yourself a better, more dynamic person. Can you elaborate? You mention the problem but the solution is not very well laid out.
I can, and I'll be straight with you. There are a lot of guys just like you. Screw the word "dynamic" it means nothing to you right now. You need to get some hobbies going, go traveling and find yourself. You just finished med school, now is the perfect time before starting fellowships or any of the other responsibilities you will find yourself in very soon. What you need to do is understand yourself and then you will understand why you should matter to girls. (This is about to get a bit Aristotelian, but bear with me) I frequently find that guys that feel they lack confidence or seem needy are that way because they don't see their value to others, and those that are foolhardy and overconfident are in a much better dating spot even if that is still not the best place to be. For you to get the benefits you're talking about, you need find why a girl should date you inside yourself, and believe me, its all there. I would suggest you do three things before you get a job in the medical field. 1st is read. I want you to pick up some books off a top 100 list or off a must read list - a pick some poetry too (please for the love of god read poetry). 2nd is travel, take some time off and go backpacking across Latin America/Europe/Central America/Africa/Asia - you need to give yourself time to experience other ways of life as opposed to the very stringent environment that medical school creates. 3rd, get yourself a hobby or two, it can be a sport, an instrument, a type of art, really anything like that - these demonstrate what you have to offer other people to yourself and are often great ways of meeting other people.
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I feel my life is going in a really good direction lately, doing well at school and becoming much better then I have used to be on the social front. for the first time of my life I feel I can make friends easily and being really comfortable with both men and women.
One thing I seem to have troubles with is translating all the friendships I can get at school to anything outside of it. especially with women. any tips?
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Ok, guys, probably you can give an advice in my situation.
Less than 2 month ago I met a girl at the university. She is an exchange student and will return to her home university in 2 month, 99% I will never see her again after that.
I like her and she seems to like me. She is happy to see me and always shines when we talk to each other. (We dont meet often though, 1-2 times a week). I really feel that she is the right person for me. I want to ask her on a date and afterwards try to convince her to stay at least for 1 year more (there is such an option). For this gamble I really need to speed the things up. For now my idea is to straightforwardly say that I like her and want to ask her out. But she can obviously say no, because there are only 2 month left (in fact, it is only 1 month, because the other month she will be studying very hard to pass the exams).
What to do in this situation? Is it hopeless or it is still worth trying?
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On December 03 2014 05:05 SCiberia wrote:
Ok, guys, probably you can give an advice in my situation.
Less than 2 month ago I met a girl at the university. She is an exchange student and will return to her home university in 2 month, 99% I will never see her again after that.
I like her and she seems to like me. She is happy to see me and always shines when we talk to each other. (We dont meet often though, 1-2 times a week). I really feel that she is the right person for me. I want to ask her on a date and afterwards try to convince her to stay at least for 1 year more (there is such an option). For this gamble I really need to speed the things up. For now my idea is to straightforwardly say that I like her and want to ask her out. But she can obviously say no, because there are only 2 month left (in fact, it is only 1 month, because the other month she will be studying very hard to pass the exams).
What to do in this situation? Is it hopeless or it is still worth trying?
SCiberia, that sounds like puppy love/ lust. You don't really have time to create a solid relationship, and I think it would be pretty irresponsible of her to mess up her college plans to try and pursue a currently-nonexistent relationship with you.
You can let her know how you feel, but if she's relatively set in her goals, I wouldn't push her too hard.
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EPT
