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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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Ghostcom
Denmark4782 Posts
The thing about long-distance relationships is that you have less time together and thus have less in common to actually talk about. Her constantly talking about her friends/social life might be because you haven't really gotten anything else to talk about. And a minor comment on the "if it is her or you being unreasonable": It might very well be neither, you might just not be compatible - we all look for different things in our partner. | ||
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Najda
United States3765 Posts
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WombaT
Northern Ireland25310 Posts
On January 29 2014 08:44 xDaunt wrote: I wouldn't think about it terms of whether what she is demanding is "objectively" reasonable. All that matters is whether it's sufficiently acceptable to you given everything else that she offers as a package. If it makes you feel better about being uncomfortable with her level of demand, I can tell you that I think that it is unreasonable and wouldn't put up with it. I can also tell you that there are girls out there that wouldn't make such demands and would tell you point blank that your girlfriend is being ridiculous. I echo this sentiment. I mean, it really depends what you are happy to put up with, I am single currently because I wasn't and it was detrimental to my day-to-day if I did a cost-benefit analysis on that. While matters of the heart can be hard to treat in such a manner, I am currently a lot happier and am free to do my guitar grades, learn programming, stream and commentate SC games and other things I enjoy in the time that was taken up solely with (from my perspective) dealing with a girl's low self-esteem and demadn for attention. | ||
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xDaunt
United States17988 Posts
On January 29 2014 09:05 Wombat_NI wrote: I echo this sentiment. I mean, it really depends what you are happy to put up with, I am single currently because I wasn't and it was detrimental to my day-to-day if I did a cost-benefit analysis on that. While matters of the heart can be hard to treat in such a manner, I am currently a lot happier and am free to do my guitar grades, learn programming, stream and commentate SC games and other things I enjoy in the time that was taken up solely with (from my perspective) dealing with a girl's low self-esteem and demadn for attention. Yes, thank you for bringing this up. That's exactly the issue. Girls with low self-esteem tend to make horrible long-term partners. Not only will the low self-esteem manifest itself in terms of constant neediness, but it will also lead girls to do all sorts of other stupid shit that just wrecks relationships. It's not something you can really fix, either. The girl has to figure it out on her own. | ||
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SC2Jan
Germany93 Posts
On January 29 2014 08:33 Derez wrote: How do you force 'talking less'? I mean, I get that talking less is the solution, but how do you actually make that happen? We can talk less for a few days after I bring it up, but after that what happens is this: 'I really need to talk to you about [insert random crisis X]' (this can be as stupid as her missing a train). I then have the choice between saying 1) 'sure, call me' or 2) 'we already spoke yesterday and I'll be there tomorrow/day after and we'll talk about it then'. Option 2 is an instant fight because 'I do not care about her' and that has to be discussed in multiple long phone calls, which never end well because we fight on text and then on the phone. Option 1 ends in a long conversation where at some point, after 30-45 minutes or so, I feel everything has been said 3 or 4 times, and I try to end the call, which in turn makes her upset again. That in turn needs to be discussed in multiple calls the same day or the day after, where I will be frustrated again with worse results. I have no idea how to actually get my point across any more, and I end up caving because at that point my choices are between breaking up (with the eventual making up without changes) or just continue the way it was going before. And yes xdaunt, you might be correct. Maybe she wants more of me than I'm willing to give. I just don't know if its me being unreasonable or if its her. 1.: I have to agree with xDaunt - there isn't really an "objectively correct" answer. You both have different needs. If you want my personal opinion: Yes, I think she is pretty demanding. Pretty as in overly. 2.: I think you answered "how do you make that happen" yourself. So far you have told her that you wish to talk less and then you have a certain dynamic. Which objectively seems to be her being unreasonable. I understand -very much!- how hard it is to stay strong and say "no" if there is no good reason not to, but you really have to try. You are at the point where you say your options are "letting everything continue and being unhappy and having a breakup sooner or later" and "breaking up immediately". How about "testing how strong the relationship really is"? If you tell her (if you haven't already) that for you this situation is unbearable in the long run, what risk do you take? -> The risk of her saying "you obviously don't love me enough, I leave". I don't want to sound cruel, but... that sounds like her not really being willed to put some effort into the relationship. Relationships are hard work... and so far you seem to be the one who is sacrificing. -> The risk of her being pouting with more or less drama. That's okay, don't allow yourself to get sucked into the drama. Cut where things are not constructive anymore and maybe leave her pouting even more for the moment. She will have to clear her mind and find out what she really wants - a partner that gives her an amount of attention you can't give or you, even with less contact. -> The risk you fail to stay consequent till the end (whatever end that may be). Well, repeat... 100% agree with "girl with low self-esteem". Sounds to be one of the roots of her (your) issues, you have to let her figure things out! I know, trust me.  *edit* Oh btw: Telling her that you see these dynamics in your relationship and that you want to better things to a level where you both can continue with it (which you can not atm) is never wrong. Really make a statement that you don't just want a nicer position for yourself, but a situation you both can live with. | ||
Derez
Netherlands6068 Posts
On January 29 2014 08:50 Ghostcom wrote: Have you considered doing something "together" so that you would have something else to talk about? I.e. agree to read the same book or watch a movie (which could even be done together on Skype). The thing about long-distance relationships is that you have less time together and thus have less in common to actually talk about. Her constantly talking about her friends/social life might be because you haven't really gotten anything else to talk about. And a minor comment on the "if it is her or you being unreasonable": It might very well be neither, you might just not be compatible - we all look for different things in our partner. In my mind, we are not having a long distance relationship anymore. We used to, had some time of a 'normal relationship', and now see each other every weekend and usually every few week days due to being in different cities, but that's not what I would qualify as 'long distance'. We do plenty of things together on the days that we are together. It is true however that despite that, we don't have a whole lot to talk about. The general issue is that I find my day to day life rather uninteresting (nothing that special worth mentioning ever happens) while she feels that every little thing during the day is a major event and that I should care deeply about one of her many many friends doing something. On January 29 2014 08:56 Najda wrote: Have you guys always talked this much, did you enjoy it when you were together more often? Things have gotten worse since she moved here and lost her social life in portugal, placing a bigger load of the 'talking' burden on me. Even before she moved here we used to talk daily, including periods where it was a long time every day. It frustrated me back then also and led to conflicts, but was more bearable because it allowed us to actually stay close during long stretches apart. When we are together for longer times, it goes well generally speaking, although any space I need for myself has to be demanded. If I want to read a book on my own while she wants to watch a movie together or wanting to go for a run, things like that can create conflict. In the end I do what I want and it ends up fine. I'm not going to speak to the self-esteem thing, because I can't and don't want to judge it. All I can say is that she asks for much more attention than I can give. I'm not happy this way so things would really have to change. I don't think that's possible, we've tried plenty of times and me forcing the issue and standing by it would lead to a breakup. Maybe it's for the best. | ||
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fishjie
United States1519 Posts
On January 29 2014 08:33 Derez wrote: How do you force 'talking less'? I mean, I get that talking less is the solution, but how do you actually make that happen? We can talk less for a few days after I bring it up, but after that what happens is this: 'I really need to talk to you about [insert random crisis X]' (this can be as stupid as her missing a train). I then have the choice between saying 1) 'sure, call me' or 2) 'we already spoke yesterday and I'll be there tomorrow/day after and we'll talk about it then'. Option 2 is an instant fight because 'I do not care about her' and that has to be discussed in multiple long phone calls, which never end well because we fight on text and then on the phone. Option 1 ends in a long conversation where at some point, after 30-45 minutes or so, I feel everything has been said 3 or 4 times, and I try to end the call, which in turn makes her upset again. That in turn needs to be discussed in multiple calls the same day or the day after, where I will be frustrated again with worse results. I have no idea how to actually get my point across any more, and I end up caving because at that point my choices are between breaking up (with the eventual making up without changes) or just continue the way it was going before. And yes xdaunt, you might be correct. Maybe she wants more of me than I'm willing to give. I just don't know if its me being unreasonable or if its her. I don't think there is anything such as one side being unreasonable. In relationships its best not to frame things in the context of who is "right" or "wrong". That leads to a scorekeeping mentality of who has screwed up more and it isn't really healthy. Better to think of it in terms of compatibility. Sounds like she may require more attention, whereas you don't. That might be a fundamental dealbreaker, so you can only talk these things through, see if you can come to a workable compromise, and proceed from there. Sadly, those differences may be irreconcilable. Wish you the best | ||
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Calanthe
United States141 Posts
On January 29 2014 08:33 Derez wrote: Maybe she wants more of me than I'm willing to give. I just don't know if its me being unreasonable or if its her. Alas, this is something of an irreconcilable difference. Your desires here are not totally unreasonable. Neither are hers. Women natter like this as a way of processing things, and as a way of connecting to the people around us. If you're bored with her and if you're bored with the relationship, you know what you need to do here. I'm in the US, and my fiance has been in the UK for the entirety of the time we've been dating, and both of us agreed that this was a serious, exclusive relationship from the beginning. Throughout, we've been on basically endless skype calls with occasional texts when one of us is at work/visiting friends out of town/doing other shit. Neither of us feel like this is an unreasonable amount of communication. Since ongoing skype calls are the norm, when one of us needs some time alone (usually me, ngl - I'm pretty introverted and I've been working in fields that require me to be peppy and friendly for 9 hours a day, so sometimes I need time to myself), we say so and start a call again when we're ready. Neither of us feels put-upon. We're lucky enough to have world-class levels of communication going on, so there's no guesswork if one of us is feeling upset or irritated. Different strokes etc. Good luck. | ||
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xDaunt
United States17988 Posts
Given your obvious reservations about the time that she demands from you, it sounds like she probably isn't the right fit for you. It sucks, but that just may be how it is. Just don't presume that you can change her. | ||
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Dogfoodboy16
364 Posts
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xDaunt
United States17988 Posts
On January 29 2014 14:51 Dogfoodboy16 wrote: What do European girls think of American men? I'm traveling to Sweden in April for 2 weeks and wonder if the girls will like that I am American or be turned off. Eh, depends. I did the whole red-blooded American thing when I went to Europe a couple times. Some European girls found me appalling. Others were ready to jump my bones. Most were fairly open minded. | ||
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Acrofales
Spain17989 Posts
On January 29 2014 08:33 Derez wrote: How do you force 'talking less'? I mean, I get that talking less is the solution, but how do you actually make that happen? We can talk less for a few days after I bring it up, but after that what happens is this: 'I really need to talk to you about [insert random crisis X]' (this can be as stupid as her missing a train). I then have the choice between saying 1) 'sure, call me' or 2) 'we already spoke yesterday and I'll be there tomorrow/day after and we'll talk about it then'. Option 2 is an instant fight because 'I do not care about her' and that has to be discussed in multiple long phone calls, which never end well because we fight on text and then on the phone. Option 1 ends in a long conversation where at some point, after 30-45 minutes or so, I feel everything has been said 3 or 4 times, and I try to end the call, which in turn makes her upset again. That in turn needs to be discussed in multiple calls the same day or the day after, where I will be frustrated again with worse results. I have no idea how to actually get my point across any more, and I end up caving because at that point my choices are between breaking up (with the eventual making up without changes) or just continue the way it was going before. And yes xdaunt, you might be correct. Maybe she wants more of me than I'm willing to give. I just don't know if its me being unreasonable or if its her. You tell her, frankly, that sometimes you do not feel like talking, and won't pick up the phone if she calls. You understand that she wants to talk, but that it is exhausting and boring when that happens too often, and you cannot do it anymore. EDIT: sorry, didn't read your message properly. If this is causing so much friction and tension between you two, you really need to sit down and sort it out; maybe come to the realization that you require two different things from a relationship, but it doesn't have to be as drastic as that. However, anything that makes you feel like this is not sustainable in the long run. I was in a long-distance relationship (Brazil-Spain) for 1 1/2 years before my gf moved here to Brazil with me, and it almost broke our relationship, but what saved us is that we were honest about what we needed, what made us uncomfortable, and when things were not good. | ||
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Erik.TheRed
United States1655 Posts
On January 29 2014 14:51 Dogfoodboy16 wrote: What do European girls think of American men? I'm traveling abroad for the first time to Sweden in April for 2 weeks and wonder if the girls will like that I am American or be turned off. Any thing I should know? I've been living in Sweden for almost 6 months, and from my experience Swedes are generally fond of Americans in a social context. Just be yourself and don't act weird if you find yourself at the center of attention (it might happen more easily than you'd think-- Swedes are typically kind of shy and stoic). Try to learn a few phrases in Swedish and it'll be even better. But do you plan on going clubbing or just generally meeting people at events/in the street? | ||
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Reason
United Kingdom2770 Posts
On January 29 2014 09:12 xDaunt wrote: Yes, thank you for bringing this up. That's exactly the issue. Girls with low self-esteem tend to make horrible long-term partners. Not only will the low self-esteem manifest itself in terms of constant neediness, but it will also lead girls to do all sorts of other stupid shit that just wrecks relationships. It's not something you can really fix, either. The girl has to figure it out on her own. Could you clarify what kinds of stupid shit they might do that would wreck a relationship please? | ||
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xDaunt
United States17988 Posts
On January 29 2014 21:00 Reason wrote: Could you clarify what kinds of stupid shit they might do that would wreck a relationship please? Jealousy. Paranoia. Cheating. Drinking to excess. Other substance abuse. Eating disorders. Any number of other self-destructive behaviors arising from a lack of self-respect. Yeah, a guy can have some fun (and many do) with a girl like that, but there's a lot of baggage there that you don't want to carry on the long haul. | ||
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Dogfoodboy16
364 Posts
On January 29 2014 20:09 Erik.TheRed wrote: I've been living in Sweden for almost 6 months, and from my experience Swedes are generally fond of Americans in a social context. Just be yourself and don't act weird if you find yourself at the center of attention (it might happen more easily than you'd think-- Swedes are typically kind of shy and stoic). Try to learn a few phrases in Swedish and it'll be even better. But do you plan on going clubbing or just generally meeting people at events/in the street? It's good to know I won't be shunned XD I was planning on doing a little bit of both clubbing and traveling around on foot but don't really have plans yet on what exactly I will do when I get there. I'll start to learn some of the language as a start I suppose. I heard rumors that in Sweden you can walk down the street while drinking a beer and not get arrested. Is that true. My friend also told me that the legal age of consent in Sweden is 15. Does that mean when I go out clubbing and a girl that doesn't look 18 starts dancing with me I don't have to run away for fear of being thrown in prison? | ||
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lantz
United States762 Posts
On January 30 2014 00:28 Dogfoodboy16 wrote: It's good to know I won't be shunned XD I was planning on doing a little bit of both clubbing and traveling around on foot but don't really have plans yet on what exactly I will do when I get there. I'll start to learn some of the language as a start I suppose. I heard rumors that in Sweden you can walk down the street while drinking a beer and not get arrested. Is that true. My friend also told me that the legal age of consent in Sweden is 15. Does that mean when I go out clubbing and a girl that doesn't look 18 starts dancing with me I don't have to run away for fear of being thrown in prison? yup in Sweden the laws are lax and you can bang anything that moves. If it doesn't move, you can also bang it, but not in public | ||
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Monsen
Germany2548 Posts
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GumBa
United Kingdom31935 Posts
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Najda
United States3765 Posts
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