EPTDating: How's your luck? - Page 390
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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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GumBa
United Kingdom31935 Posts
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dravernor
Netherlands6192 Posts
Most of the people i dated were because i gave them a second chance | ||
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suki
Canada1159 Posts
So yeah. Do it in person. | ||
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WombaT
Northern Ireland26346 Posts
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GumBa
United Kingdom31935 Posts
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GumBa
United Kingdom31935 Posts
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dravernor
Netherlands6192 Posts
On January 29 2014 03:49 GumBa wrote: So my plan is hopefully meet her at the station conversate abit get it all relaxed etc then ask her as casually as possible Good luck! Looking forward to a success story in this thread. | ||
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rezoacken
Canada2719 Posts
If you can't, use the phone. Never text (or only through online dating, and even then you can ask for a number first). As simple as that. See it like this. If you meet someone everyday (co-worker, a waitress, at the bus etc) but chose phone over face to face it's weak since you had tons of opportunity to do it in person. However, if there is none or minimal hope for you to meet again but the girl still gave a phone number, it's acceptable. Oh... and don't stalk out of her job or something just in hopes to meet her, if you have nothing to do there. | ||
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GumBa
United Kingdom31935 Posts
 but its not to early to ask is it? I know her for years but have had more contact lass 2-3 months but dont wanna wait around to long | ||
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Najda
United States3765 Posts
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GumBa
United Kingdom31935 Posts
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Derez
Netherlands6068 Posts
Due to jobs we are 2 hours apart at the moment and speak at least once, usually two or three times a day on the phone, for at least like an hour total a day. I get incredibly bored with what she's saying (blablabla friend blablabla work blablabla) and can't hide being bored anymore. It even spills over into the days (weekends plus a night or two a week) where we actually spend time together, when she proceeds to tell me pretty much everything in even greater detail again. At times it makes me dread going over to her or her coming over and makes the entire relationship seem dull. I have no idea what to do with it anymore and am frustrated to the point where I don't even want to pick up anymore and intentionally leave my phone in the house while going out pretending to forget it. | ||
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Crushinator
Netherlands2138 Posts
On January 29 2014 07:09 Derez wrote: Anyone have a way to deal with a serious gf while at a distance? Due to jobs we are 2 hours apart at the moment and speak at least once, usually two or three times a day on the phone, for at least like an hour total a day. I get incredibly bored with what she's saying (blablabla friend blablabla work blablabla) and can't hide being bored anymore. It even spills over into the days (weekends plus a night or two a week) where we actually spend time together, when she proceeds to tell me pretty much everything in even greater detail again. At times it makes me dread going over to her or her coming over and makes the entire relationship seem dull. I have no idea what to do with it anymore and am frustrated to the point where I don't even want to pick up anymore and intentionally leave my phone in the house while going out pretending to forget it. My girlfriend lives in Norway and I live there only about half the time, with the rest spent in the Netherlands. We have been doing this for about 4 years now. There is definitely such a thing as talking too much on the phone. There really isn't several hours worth of interesting conversation each day. We talk on phones/skype about an hour a week, and do the rest through text. Trying to give eachother hours of undivided attention each day is not normal. When you live together you don't do that either, you go about your activities and talk when it is covenient and natural. We tried doing an every day for thing, but it just felt like a bit too much of a chore for both of us. I can't imagine doing several hours each day. Just tell her to stop calling and write it out or somethin, except tactfully. It is less exhausting to read dull text messages, and she probably won't bother sending you walls of text. | ||
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MightyBill
93 Posts
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Derez
Netherlands6068 Posts
We used to do the long distance thing also (NL - Portugal) and in the end she moved here. Even back then there would be daily skype calls and conversations and I figured I'd hang in there until things settled down a little. We have had the 'too much conversation'-conversation plenty of times. I am fine not talking (aside from maybe a quick 10 minute call) for the two days that we don't see each other. The conversation essentially ends up in her blaming me for not loving her enough because her previous boyfriends used to be able to stand it (or so she claims) and after that I get blamed for never calling her on my own initiative, which again is a result of me not loving her enough. We might eventually agree to talk less, but the result is that after a day or two she freaks out, starts to feel bad with the relationship and needs to talk more to me. We fight and in the end we end up talking just as much as before. I realize that part of it is me (being not-so social), part of it is her (having no hobbies except for social life) and part of it is cultural (NL -> blunt, PT -> fake nice) and it makes me feel like certain relationship are just not meant to be, even if you both love each other. | ||
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WarSame
Canada1950 Posts
With regards to myself, I haven't talked to my friend about introducing me to the girl I have a crush on yet. On my way back from class with another girl yesterday she told me she had a crush on me. Unfortunately, while I like the girl as a friend, I'm not sure if I want to have a relationship with her. So I just awkwardly said ... "Uh, thanks." And then walked off to the bus stop. Definitely could have handled that better and I think she'll be not too happy towards me for that. | ||
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SC2Jan
Germany93 Posts
This should create a situation where you both show at what point of "inner development" you are. She will have to realize that she doesn't -or shouldn't- depend on you being there all the time. That this dimension of "being there" is a real, unhealthy burden and loving her does in no way mean or legitimate denying yourself. And you have to learn to stand up for yourself and be consequent. Your post tells me you have given up a few times already after some days. Don't. Stick with your needs. If you are interested in a theoretical concept about this: David Schnarch is a great source. His book "Passionate Marriage: Sex, Love & Intimacy in emotionally committed relationships" is phenomenal in my opinion. | ||
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xDaunt
United States17988 Posts
On January 29 2014 07:38 Derez wrote: Appreciate your post but trust me I've tried and I'm completely, utterly honest about it with her. It just doesn't change anything. We used to do the long distance thing also (NL - Portugal) and in the end she moved here. Even back then there would be daily skype calls and conversations and I figured I'd hang in there until things settled down a little. We have had the 'too much conversation'-conversation plenty of times. I am fine not talking (aside from maybe a quick 10 minute call) for the two days that we don't see each other. The conversation essentially ends up in her blaming me for not loving her enough because her previous boyfriends used to be able to stand it (or so she claims) and after that I get blamed for never calling her on my own initiative, which again is a result of me not loving her enough. We might eventually agree to talk less, but the result is that after a day or two she freaks out, starts to feel bad with the relationship and needs to talk more to me. We fight and in the end we end up talking just as much as before. I realize that part of it is me (being not-so social), part of it is her (having no hobbies except for social life) and part of it is cultural (NL -> blunt, PT -> fake nice) and it makes me feel like certain relationship are just not meant to be, even if you both love each other. Sounds like she's too needy for you, but it's up to you to make that decision for yourself and then just tell her how it's going to be. I will say that "playing the previous BF's card" is pretty low, and you should note as such. As just a general piece of advice to everyone, the time that you spend away from your significant other is almost as important as the time that you spend with your significant other. Keep that in mind. | ||
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Derez
Netherlands6068 Posts
On January 29 2014 08:11 SC2Jan wrote: I absolutely have to agree with Crushinator. Made these kind of experiences myself to some extent two years ago and I have learned a lot from it. In general, your amount of talking on phone seems really out of proportion. But that's not the main point. The important point is that you feel the way you do about the current situation and she has her feelings. It looks like in the long run you will not be able to hold this dynamic of yours without threatening your relationship. As hard as it sounds: In situations like these it is often unavoidable to stand up for the own needs (and therefore testing the strength of your relationship), which in your case means "less phone/skype calls". You wrote you have explained the situation to her quite some times and it should seem only legit to her that you stand up for your needs. If you don't, you put her on first place - after yourself, which never ends well in the long run. No surprise there. Loving someone doesn't mean giving up yourself, your needs or identity. Tell that to her a "last" time and try to be strict from that time on. How do you force 'talking less'? I mean, I get that talking less is the solution, but how do you actually make that happen? We can talk less for a few days after I bring it up, but after that what happens is this: 'I really need to talk to you about [insert random crisis X]' (this can be as stupid as her missing a train). I then have the choice between saying 1) 'sure, call me' or 2) 'we already spoke yesterday and I'll be there tomorrow/day after and we'll talk about it then'. Option 2 is an instant fight because 'I do not care about her' and that has to be discussed in multiple long phone calls, which never end well because we fight on text and then on the phone. Option 1 ends in a long conversation where at some point, after 30-45 minutes or so, I feel everything has been said 3 or 4 times, and I try to end the call, which in turn makes her upset again. That in turn needs to be discussed in multiple calls the same day or the day after, where I will be frustrated again with worse results. I have no idea how to actually get my point across any more, and I end up caving because at that point my choices are between breaking up (with the eventual making up without changes) or just continue the way it was going before. And yes xdaunt, you might be correct. Maybe she wants more of me than I'm willing to give. I just don't know if its me being unreasonable or if its her. | ||
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xDaunt
United States17988 Posts
On January 29 2014 08:33 Derez wrote: And yes xdaunt, you might be correct. Maybe she wants more of me than I'm willing to give. I just don't know if its me being unreasonable or if its her. I wouldn't think about it terms of whether what she is demanding is "objectively" reasonable. All that matters is whether it's sufficiently acceptable to you given everything else that she offers as a package. If it makes you feel better about being uncomfortable with her level of demand, I can tell you that I think that it is unreasonable and wouldn't put up with it. I can also tell you that there are girls out there that wouldn't make such demands and would tell you point blank that your girlfriend is being ridiculous. | ||
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