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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On January 28 2014 07:02 Najda wrote:Show nested quote +On January 28 2014 06:45 Acrofales wrote:On January 28 2014 06:37 Najda wrote:
Started using tinder and I've gotten a few matches but have no idea what to open with, any suggestions? "hi" The point is: it really doesn't matter what you open with (within reason), as long as you open. Me: Hi Them: Hey Me: ?? I understand a situational opener based on one of their pictures or account info is good but that isn't always really possible.
Give baits. The 20 other dudes that tried to talk to her this week all wrote a message with "hi" / "HEY HOW'S IT GOING" / "WANNA SEE MY DICK?" - none of those work spectacularly well. As someone else mentioned, grab shit from her profile that intrigued you, that's what makes online dating easier at the starting stage for most people.
If she really signed up on that site, uploaded a photo and has NOTHING but generic bullshit personally I'd just go next. Plenty of fish around, no need to deal with that. If you don't want to do that and/or think she's too hot to not go for I highly recommend random bullshit. Have answers for generic bullshit. "How's it going?" "Good, you?" "I just came back from going climbing with two old school buddies and I'm super tired but super happy. Was just about to make myself a drink. What do you like to do to get rid off a stressful week?" - not the best version, but the basic scheme should be obvious:
"I did xyz, it was awesome" and/or "I'll do bla (something small) soon" + question that can't be answered with yes or no. If she's still not responding in a similar length or even positively, I'd MAYBE give it another try or two but then definitely let it go. If she doesn't reopen at this point not worth your time.
As for the people earlier talking about how it is better to appeal to a select group instead of please everyone - that's only correct to a certain extent. You don't exactly should aim to appeal to a certain group but you should not be afraid of showing your association with a certain group and draw clear borders. If you love metal, play the guitar and drink whiskey - that's fine but it also paints a certain picture of a specific group. The guy who loves metal, plays the piano and doesn't drink alcohol besides Gin & Tonic paints a picture of someone who enjoys specific things in different areas of his life. Don't be afraid to polarize. Love certain things, hate others and respect most of them. Being open, honest and not afraid of being judged is attractive as fuck.
That's how e.g. the guy that shows up to a rap concert in a metal shirt and goes wild to the music gets more attention (in this case aka attraction) than the guy who wears the same stuff as everyone else there.
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Dear readers, lest you be wondering, in the above example, r.EVO's Dude In The Metal Shirt is attracting attention because he's clearly making a fool of himself, not because of what he's wearing. Let's be clear on that.
You did, however, hit the nail on the head with your suggestion of having a go-to "Ah yes I just came back from ACTIVITY, whee fun yay." These demonstrate social value ("Oh good, he doesn't sit and post on the internet all day! Maybe this one won't try to corner me and make me see the finer points of Hitomi's relationship with Mikisuki...") and indicate that other people can and do tolerate you. These are really important things to establish in online dating.
The only thing I'd add is that instead of just ~*saying*~ that shit, go do it. Go rock climbing. Hike your local peak. Go check out First Friday or some gallery openings. Kayak. Get really good at horseshoes. Just go do something interesting.
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On January 28 2014 11:21 Calanthe wrote:
Dear readers, lest you be wondering, in the above example, r.EVO's Dude In The Metal Shirt is attracting attention because he's clearly making a fool of himself, not because of what he's wearing. Let's be clear on that.
Wearing something that doesn't fit the occasion just to wear something that doesn't fit the occasion represents a frame that projects what people usually call fake or stupidity.
If you wear or do something because you genuinely enjoy it for the sake of enjoying it, then in most cases (where it's considered not the norm) it takes guts and confidence to do so which both are pretty damn attractive. We're not talking about wearing the same shit in an opera and yelling "SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!"
If you walk in the rain without appropriate clothing/umbrella because you want to show others how cool you are, you're making a fool out of yourself. If you walk in the rain like that because you enjoy walking in the rain like that it represents attractive and desirable traits.
It's the same as with the good ol' "WHEN CAN I BUY HER A DRINK WITHOUT LOOKING STUPID?!" where the correct answer is "Depends on the frame and mindset in which you do it". It's just not an answer you give to someone just starting out because he won't have a clue about what exactly you're trying to say.
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United Kingdom31935 Posts
Hmm ok thx guys I might ask her out then just need to grow the balls to go for it :D any ideas what one can do on a first date?
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Anybody ever been cockblocked by a girls dog? Just happened to me. Tonight i took a girl out for dinner afterwardd she invited me to come home with her. When I got there this Yorker/terrier would not stop yapping at me for about 10 minutes and kept tugging on pant leg. I officially hate all dogs under 20 pounds.
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On January 28 2014 15:55 Dogfoodboy16 wrote:
Anybody ever been cockblocked by a girls dog? Just happened to me. Tonight i took a girl out for dinner afterwardd she invited me to come home with her. When I got there this Yorker/terrier would not stop yapping at me for about 10 minutes and kept tugging on pant leg. I officially hate all dogs under 20 pounds.
Maybe he knew your TL username?
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On January 28 2014 15:55 Dogfoodboy16 wrote:
Anybody ever been cockblocked by a girls dog? Just happened to me. Tonight i took a girl out for dinner afterwardd she invited me to come home with her. When I got there this Yorker/terrier would not stop yapping at me for about 10 minutes and kept tugging on pant leg. I officially hate all dogs under 20 pounds.
take the dog out back and show him whose boss. losing to a dog under 20lbs. beta status achieved!!
seriously though i dont' really like small dogs
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On January 28 2014 15:55 Dogfoodboy16 wrote:
Anybody ever been cockblocked by a girls dog? Just happened to me. Tonight i took a girl out for dinner afterwardd she invited me to come home with her. When I got there this Yorker/terrier would not stop yapping at me for about 10 minutes and kept tugging on pant leg. I officially hate all dogs under 20 pounds.
Why didn't you just go into another room and shut the door behind you?
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On January 28 2014 15:55 Dogfoodboy16 wrote:
Anybody ever been cockblocked by a girls dog? Just happened to me. Tonight i took a girl out for dinner afterwardd she invited me to come home with her. When I got there this Yorker/terrier would not stop yapping at me for about 10 minutes and kept tugging on pant leg. I officially hate all dogs under 20 pounds.
Alternatively you could have upsized to a threesome  .
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On January 28 2014 23:49 Rollin wrote:Show nested quote +On January 28 2014 15:55 Dogfoodboy16 wrote:
Anybody ever been cockblocked by a girls dog? Just happened to me. Tonight i took a girl out for dinner afterwardd she invited me to come home with her. When I got there this Yorker/terrier would not stop yapping at me for about 10 minutes and kept tugging on pant leg. I officially hate all dogs under 20 pounds. Alternatively you could have upsized to a threesome .
He could have had a 3FFA!
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United Kingdom31935 Posts
How do you guys gather enough courage to ask the girl out lol and I meet her on the train when I go home from work and she goes to evenig school can a I ask her then? And how do you guys ask ? Out of the conversation or straight up? And what do you do on a first date lol?
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United Kingdom36161 Posts
On January 28 2014 16:30 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Show nested quote +On January 28 2014 15:55 Dogfoodboy16 wrote:
Anybody ever been cockblocked by a girls dog? Just happened to me. Tonight i took a girl out for dinner afterwardd she invited me to come home with her. When I got there this Yorker/terrier would not stop yapping at me for about 10 minutes and kept tugging on pant leg. I officially hate all dogs under 20 pounds. Maybe he knew your TL username?
This very much deserves a post of my appreciation.
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Just be yourself and be honest to yourself. Just ask her out of the blue "I think you're amazing and want to go out on a date with you. Will you give me your number?" Smile while saying it. After you said it you're allowed to look very nervous. You can even say "Oh my god I was so nervous I've never asked someone on a date before".
Basically you're cool because you just went vulnerable mode and said what you want to say. Even if you get rejected you're still cool for what you did. That's how I think at least. If I make a girl smile I'm glad already. The rest is bonus.
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United Kingdom31935 Posts
On January 29 2014 00:45 MightyBill wrote:
Just be yourself and be honest to yourself. Just ask her out of the blue "I think you're amazing and want to go out on a date with you. Will you give me your number?" Smile while saying it. After you said it you're allowed to look very nervous. You can even say "Oh my god I was so nervous I've never asked someone on a date before".
Basically you're cool because you just went vulnerable mode and said what you want to say. Even if you get rejected you're still cool for what you did. That's how I think at least. If I make a girl smile I'm glad already. The rest is bonus.
I already have her number and we know each other does that change anything?
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On January 29 2014 01:14 GumBa wrote:Show nested quote +On January 29 2014 00:45 MightyBill wrote:
Just be yourself and be honest to yourself. Just ask her out of the blue "I think you're amazing and want to go out on a date with you. Will you give me your number?" Smile while saying it. After you said it you're allowed to look very nervous. You can even say "Oh my god I was so nervous I've never asked someone on a date before".
Basically you're cool because you just went vulnerable mode and said what you want to say. Even if you get rejected you're still cool for what you did. That's how I think at least. If I make a girl smile I'm glad already. The rest is bonus. I already have her number and we know each other does that change anything?
It only begs the question why you haven't asked her out yet then?
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Northern Ireland27478 Posts
I dunno, if it was me I'd drop the 'youre amazing' and 'nervous'. It just kind of frames you as a bit of an unconfident soul. That said, some girls do find that endearing and almost like to be the one to unleash your inner confidence if that makes sense.
That said, I tend to be pretty blunt, almost to the point of casualness in doing such things, which kind of works because it fits with my general personality and whatnot. I guess you have to taper things around your natural demeanour and there's no real one-size-fits-all approach.
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United Kingdom31935 Posts
On January 29 2014 01:42 Ghostcom wrote:Show nested quote +On January 29 2014 01:14 GumBa wrote:On January 29 2014 00:45 MightyBill wrote:
Just be yourself and be honest to yourself. Just ask her out of the blue "I think you're amazing and want to go out on a date with you. Will you give me your number?" Smile while saying it. After you said it you're allowed to look very nervous. You can even say "Oh my god I was so nervous I've never asked someone on a date before".
Basically you're cool because you just went vulnerable mode and said what you want to say. Even if you get rejected you're still cool for what you did. That's how I think at least. If I make a girl smile I'm glad already. The rest is bonus. I already have her number and we know each other does that change anything? It only begs the question why you haven't asked her out yet then?
Because I have never had the courage to ask her.
@Wombat
Hmm yeah I am not sure I am quite blunt as well and am kinda like the jokster that never means anything seriously etc.
What do you think I should do then?
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On January 29 2014 01:51 GumBa wrote:Show nested quote +On January 29 2014 01:42 Ghostcom wrote:On January 29 2014 01:14 GumBa wrote:On January 29 2014 00:45 MightyBill wrote:
Just be yourself and be honest to yourself. Just ask her out of the blue "I think you're amazing and want to go out on a date with you. Will you give me your number?" Smile while saying it. After you said it you're allowed to look very nervous. You can even say "Oh my god I was so nervous I've never asked someone on a date before".
Basically you're cool because you just went vulnerable mode and said what you want to say. Even if you get rejected you're still cool for what you did. That's how I think at least. If I make a girl smile I'm glad already. The rest is bonus. I already have her number and we know each other does that change anything? It only begs the question why you haven't asked her out yet then? Because I have never had the courage to ask her. @Wombat Hmm yeah I am not sure I am quite blunt as well and am kinda like the jokster that never means anything seriously etc. What do you think I should do then?
If you have her number you can just phone her and ask her out. But if you see her every day anyway, it's better to do it in person.
There's no need to think of elaborate contexts and fancy sentences. A simple "Would you like to go out with me?" when your stop is approaching (give her some time to respond, don't ask as the train is pulling up) seems good.
As for first date ideas: the last page is already full of discussion. The main idea of the date is to get to know her, and for her to get to know you. If you think that you'll be too nervous to be comfortable in a conversation in a cafe or bar, think of some activity you would enjoy sharing with her, but make sure it's an activity that allows for lots of chit chat (cycling, rowing, ice skating are good examples). I belong to the group that thinks cinema is bad for a first date, especially if you're really nervous. Cinema is great when you're more comfortable with her and can spend the time in the dark snuggling and kissing.
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United Kingdom31935 Posts
Ok I will (try) to ask her out tomorrow in the train. Might go eqt something or a cafe then.
Wish me luck!
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On January 29 2014 02:30 GumBa wrote:
Ok I will (try) to ask her out tomorrow in the train. Might go eqt something or a cafe then.
Wish me luck!
Why wait. If you have her number, give her a call or text whenever you can. Asking someone in person may seem like a nicer experience in your head, but in practice its nerve wracking for both of you.
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EPT
