|
We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On May 09 2013 14:02 docvoc wrote:Show nested quote +On May 09 2013 13:51 Wombat_NI wrote:
'She didn't consider it cheating' - How exactly did she come to that conclusion?
Not calling you an asshole in this instance, you didn't really do anything sexual iirc (although some find emotional cheating worse). When a girl shows those signs, it's time to get out lol. Cheaters always cheat, just a word to the wise in my experience. IMO it would depend how deep in the relationship we are, early maybe I'd let it slide with her never doing it again, later on I'd be like, NO, you're dumped.
Idk she said he was a douchebag, and it'd be nice to be wanted. but like i dunno, she said she didnt see it that way which was kinda weird(tho she said her boyfriend sees like, anything as cheating???) so i didnt really think much of it.
it hink i coulda stole home base but idk. im a douchebag but im not that big of a douchebag, which i cant say its all my fault since like i said it takes two to cheat, its not just a like.. one person thing..
|
On May 09 2013 13:41 arb wrote:Show nested quote +On May 09 2013 12:34 Zooper31 wrote:On May 09 2013 12:04 B.I.G. wrote:
You stayed at her place a few days? Man i wouldn't be a happy boyfriend if I would find out about that... That'd be enough for me to break up if I had a gf. Her cuddling with another guy period, let alone, alone at her place without my knowledge. I do feel kinda douchey about it, but idk. she said she didnt consider it cheating, and i told myself i wouldnt do anything else since she was dating someone. Like I know it was a REALLLLLLLL asshole thing to do, but it takes two to tango, and its not like i forced the point or tried anything else. dunno, shes all about trying to keep it secretive and shit so idk wtf.
It's cheating regardless of how she feels about it. And yes it is a douchey thing to do, two wrong's don't make a right. You can try to make w/e logical explanation about it you want but you know what you're doing. You're making a girl cheat on her bf and you're as low as they come atm.
I'd be ashamed and I've never ever do such a thing if I actually wanted to think highly of myself.
|
On May 09 2013 14:09 arb wrote:Show nested quote +On May 09 2013 14:02 docvoc wrote:On May 09 2013 13:51 Wombat_NI wrote:
'She didn't consider it cheating' - How exactly did she come to that conclusion?
Not calling you an asshole in this instance, you didn't really do anything sexual iirc (although some find emotional cheating worse). When a girl shows those signs, it's time to get out lol. Cheaters always cheat, just a word to the wise in my experience. IMO it would depend how deep in the relationship we are, early maybe I'd let it slide with her never doing it again, later on I'd be like, NO, you're dumped. Idk she said he was a douchebag, and it'd be nice to be wanted. but like i dunno, she said she didnt see it that way which was kinda weird(tho she said her boyfriend sees like, anything as cheating???) so i didnt really think much of it. it hink i coulda stole home base but idk. im a douchebag but im not that big of a douchebag, which i cant say its all my fault since like i said it takes two to cheat, its not just a like.. one person thing..
Whatever she says man. Act straight. Either be with her and make her break or tell her no cuddling/sex.
Looks pretty simple to me.
|
On May 09 2013 14:34 Zooper31 wrote:Show nested quote +On May 09 2013 13:41 arb wrote:On May 09 2013 12:34 Zooper31 wrote:On May 09 2013 12:04 B.I.G. wrote:
You stayed at her place a few days? Man i wouldn't be a happy boyfriend if I would find out about that... That'd be enough for me to break up if I had a gf. Her cuddling with another guy period, let alone, alone at her place without my knowledge. I do feel kinda douchey about it, but idk. she said she didnt consider it cheating, and i told myself i wouldnt do anything else since she was dating someone. Like I know it was a REALLLLLLLL asshole thing to do, but it takes two to tango, and its not like i forced the point or tried anything else. dunno, shes all about trying to keep it secretive and shit so idk wtf. It's cheating regardless of how she feels about it. And yes it is a douchey thing to do, two wrong's don't make a right. You can try to make w/e logical explanation about it you want but you know what you're doing. You're making a girl cheat on her bf and you're as low as they come atm. I'd be ashamed and I've never ever do such a thing if I actually wanted to think highly of myself.
i didnt make her do shit, she insisted i come up, she started all contact, i cant see how im at fault here
it takes two to tango.
i hadnt talked to her in 4 years till a bit ago, maybe it was against better judgement but im not gonna say i regret doing it or anything, thats dumb.
|
On May 09 2013 14:34 Zooper31 wrote:Show nested quote +On May 09 2013 13:41 arb wrote:On May 09 2013 12:34 Zooper31 wrote:On May 09 2013 12:04 B.I.G. wrote:
You stayed at her place a few days? Man i wouldn't be a happy boyfriend if I would find out about that... That'd be enough for me to break up if I had a gf. Her cuddling with another guy period, let alone, alone at her place without my knowledge. I do feel kinda douchey about it, but idk. she said she didnt consider it cheating, and i told myself i wouldnt do anything else since she was dating someone. Like I know it was a REALLLLLLLL asshole thing to do, but it takes two to tango, and its not like i forced the point or tried anything else. dunno, shes all about trying to keep it secretive and shit so idk wtf. It's cheating regardless of how she feels about it. And yes it is a douchey thing to do, two wrong's don't make a right. You can try to make w/e logical explanation about it you want but you know what you're doing. You're making a girl cheat on her bf and you're as low as they come atm. I'd be ashamed and I've never ever do such a thing if I actually wanted to think highly of myself.
A boyfriend is not a husband. If one likes a girl he should try to go for it even if she has a boyfriend. It can only have a positive ending:
1. She breaks up with her current boyfriend for you: they were not meant to be together.
2. She repells you and stays with her boyfriend: it strengthen their couple.
There is nothing douchey about any of it as long as nobody is actually forced to do anything.
What's douchey is trying to hide or not assuming it.
|
On May 09 2013 16:15 arb wrote:
i cant see how im at fault here
On May 09 2013 13:41 arb wrote:
it takes two to tango.
It seems you can.
Just because the other wanted it doesn't mean you should.
You can get into situations where the other feels remorse/regret, which will then screw up any chances you had for a full on relationship.
If she really wants you more than her bf, she'll break up with him. If not, then she's just stringing you along for the funs. If you're happy with that then great for you but chances are at some point it'll stop or it'll ruin her relationship and she'll either blame you or expect you to take her in instead.
Don't kid yourself, you're as at fault as she is. You spent the energy to go over there and hang out with her, you could have easily said no or put the provisos on it that she break up with her current bf.
When doing something like this I've learned (the hard way) that it's best to think about how you would feel about it happening to you before doing these kinds of things. Not only does it make you act better, but you'll learn more about yourself and of what you're accepting.
|
arb, keep in mind that what she is doing now, she seems to consider it normal and ok ("she said she didnt consider it cheating").
That means that she'll still be thinking that way even if she ends up with you. Are you sure you want to be with such a person?
I mean, sure, if you're just looking for a short-term thing, there's nothing stopping you, but it does make you a douche (unless she wants the same, in which case I'd say she's only using you to break up with her bf... are you fine with that?)
Regarding the article, yes it's "in your face", yes it's impolite (hey, it's from Cracked, they are like that), but sometimes it's a better way to deliver the message.
We've all heard tons of well-intended, polite, calm, timely advice in our lives, and many of us ignored it over and over again. Sometimes it's the shock treatment, the brutal honesty, that finally wakes people up.
And in this case, I found the article to be having quite an impact on many, so I reckon it's worth sharing. It's not for everyone though. Nothing is.
If you are the type that prefers a more inspiring message delivered with more tact, then this might be for you:
Randy Pausch - The Last Lecture
(also awesome, but something that takes a bit more patience and time than most people are willing to invest nowadays)
Anyway, sorry, don't want to turn this into a typical self-help thread. It's about dating.
|
On May 09 2013 16:18 The_Masked_Shrimp wrote:Show nested quote +On May 09 2013 14:34 Zooper31 wrote:On May 09 2013 13:41 arb wrote:On May 09 2013 12:34 Zooper31 wrote:On May 09 2013 12:04 B.I.G. wrote:
You stayed at her place a few days? Man i wouldn't be a happy boyfriend if I would find out about that... That'd be enough for me to break up if I had a gf. Her cuddling with another guy period, let alone, alone at her place without my knowledge. I do feel kinda douchey about it, but idk. she said she didnt consider it cheating, and i told myself i wouldnt do anything else since she was dating someone. Like I know it was a REALLLLLLLL asshole thing to do, but it takes two to tango, and its not like i forced the point or tried anything else. dunno, shes all about trying to keep it secretive and shit so idk wtf. It's cheating regardless of how she feels about it. And yes it is a douchey thing to do, two wrong's don't make a right. You can try to make w/e logical explanation about it you want but you know what you're doing. You're making a girl cheat on her bf and you're as low as they come atm. I'd be ashamed and I've never ever do such a thing if I actually wanted to think highly of myself. A boyfriend is not a husband. If one likes a girl he should try to go for it even if she has a boyfriend. It can only have a positive ending: 1. She breaks up with her current boyfriend for you: they were not meant to be together. 2. She repells you and stays with her boyfriend: it strengthen their couple. There is nothing douchey about any of it as long as nobody is actually forced to do anything. What's douchey is trying to hide or not assuming it.
If you would try to hook up with my girlfriend, there would be a very bad ending for you  .
If you're willing to go for an already taken girl, you have no self respect and are the worst kind of trash there is.
If you'd try anything on my girlfriend I would first kindly ask you to step away but if you would keep interfering I wouldn't mind taking it to a whole other level, people like you are horrible disrespectful persons with no dignity and don't deserve any respect whatsoever.
Trying to break an established relationship for self gain is cool and all, but at the same point you shouldn't start whining when the consequences show themselves around the corner and you're sitting at home with either a black eye or being on a bad stance with someone. Taking responsibility and not whining is part of what you'd be doing.
Also I'd trust my girlfriend to blow you off immediately and inform me if you would keep harassing her, at which the ending wouldn't look any prettier.
It's really easy to be an E-hero online and say the stuff you just did, but on the same note i bet you'd be this tiny skinny guy in real life who wouldn't even know what to say the moment he got approached aggressively because of the actions he'd never even be daring to take.
|
Northern Ireland26225 Posts
Don't fuck with Grubby's woman is the lesson we can take home here
|
This isn't what happened, though. What would you do with your gf if she was up for spending time in bed with someone else? Would you immediately leave the relationship or figure out why she's doing that first?
|
Northern Ireland26225 Posts
Banhammer that.
Em, I don't know, it's rather case-dependent. I'm rather long-term, and actually would be more understanding if any kind of lapse occurred. Stale/unfulfilled relationship is rather difficult to avoid if you've been with someone for ages and are settled into a routine. We try to make time for each other at present, talk a lot and all that, but you know, it can happen to the best of us!
In the case of a 'serious' relationship, with all the exclusivity that is entailed by that (unless agreed otherwise), I'd turf a girl out if she cheated on me in the honeymoon period. There's one thing to be said for a lapse of judgement once you're settled into domestic drudgery, I don't feel there's any kind of mitigating circumstances that excuse the latter, and would want shot of a woman who showed such fickleness.
|
On May 09 2013 17:07 Gowerly wrote:
This isn't what happened, though. What would you do with your gf if she was up for spending time in bed with someone else? Would you immediately leave the relationship or figure out why she's doing that first?
There is one golden rule in a relationship. ( A serious one, not a "PUA" superficial one ):
A relationship is built on trust. The moment that trust is no longer there, there can and will be no proper relationship.
Your girlfriend is spending time in bed with someone else, behind your back.
You had to find out yourself, hell it doesn't even matter how you found out really.
The trust you built up, is completely gone. Any form of cheating completely ruins any (remaining)trust there was (left).
If I'd catch my girlfriend cheating one me (behind my back), I'd permanently break up with her and wouldn't look back.
If she does it once, whats stopping her from doing it twice?
How can I regain the trust I built up before? (I can't)
If she cheats on me, she obviously finds things lacking in the current relationship so it'd be better to walk away.
Of course it would be difficult to walk away from a long term relationship, but I personally wouldn't be able to maintain one without trust.
On May 09 2013 17:06 Wombat_NI wrote:
Don't fuck with Grubby's woman is the lesson we can take home here
:D
|
Northern Ireland26225 Posts
What about if say, she cheated but confessed to you, from what you typed there you seemed to stress almost as much importance in the trust/behind your back element as you do the infidelity
|
You can have sex with her if you want. Hell you can even start an affair with her or get her to dump her boyfriend for you. Just remember that it's only a matter of time until she starts cheating on you.
|
On May 09 2013 17:22 Wombat_NI wrote:
What about if say, she cheated but confessed to you, from what you typed there you seemed to stress almost as much importance in the trust/behind your back element as you do the infidelity
infidelity loves to stab trust in the back and bury it deep into the ground :-).
Cheating on your partner is not some "heat of the moment" "spontaneous" thing, it is well thought true.
How much time passes, getting to his/your house, getting undressed, getting naked in bed and having sex? Plenty of time to reconsider what you're doing.
Unfaithfulness equals (for me) being unable to trust that person ever again, I like knowing (or thinking to know) what I'm up for.
I don't like being paranoid and suspicious everytime she's out with someone, or at every corner or during every subtle move she makes. I can't live a relationship like that.
I don't want to have to think twice or worry when she's out with someone, I can only do that when there's a solid trust foundation ;-)!
|
Uh what? Most cheating is probably being drunk and just having poor judgement. A friend of mine has cheated on every girlfriend he's had, which would be at least four. He's a nice guy, truly, just drinks too much and doesn't think things through.
Edit: Wombat, I feel this Grubby impersonator thing has potential, I suggest we henceforth stalk this man through all the realms of Teamliquid and ask him about upcoming tournaments, current form and various other things only Grubby would know.
|
On May 09 2013 17:52 McBengt wrote:
Uh what? Most cheating is probably being drunk and just having poor judgement. A friend of mine has cheated on every girlfriend he's had, which would be at least four. He's a nice guy, truly, just drinks too much and doesn't think things through.
Keep thinking that way ^^, at least I know I'll have solid relationships while the poor women who hook up with your friend will be getting the worst end of the stick. He can be nice but if he repeatedly cheats on his women and uses alcohol as an excuse ( A very sucky one at that), he's not proper relationship material but merely "Friends with benefits" material if any.
I don't know how young you are (no offense meant) but it takes a while before you start respecting the values of a solid relationship.
|
On May 09 2013 18:00 kaluro wrote:Show nested quote +On May 09 2013 17:52 McBengt wrote:
Uh what? Most cheating is probably being drunk and just having poor judgement. A friend of mine has cheated on every girlfriend he's had, which would be at least four. He's a nice guy, truly, just drinks too much and doesn't think things through. Keep thinking that way ^^, at least I know I'll have solid relationships while the poor women who hook up with your friend will be getting the worst end of the stick. He can be nice but if he repeatedly cheats on his women and uses alcohol as an excuse ( A very sucky one at that), he's not proper relationship material but merely "Friends with benefits" material if any. I don't know how young you are (no offense meant) but it takes a while before you start respecting the values of a solid relationship.
Are you suggesting alcohol does not impair judgement? Cheating is mostly an impulsive decision brought on by the perfectly natural instinct to procreate with as many people as possible. Humans are not monogamous by nature. There is no intrinsic value to a relationship of sexual exclusivity. Looser inhibitions simply make us act more according to our nature.
Oh, and I've been in relationships, it sucked. I doubt I'll ever really learn to appreciate something I don't even like the concept of.
|
Northern Ireland26225 Posts
I'm somewhat between you guys I think. Habitual infidelity is just somewhat inexcusable, of the kind McBengt's friends does, but I am a bit more inclined to forgive a genuine one-off, confessed screwup.
That said, that's said as somebody who hasn't really had that issue to deal with, so perhaps that hurdle may be unmanageable for me in actuality!
I am up for stalkage, but let's let him digest the disappointment of losing in WCS Europe first. Behind his placid demeanor the Grubster must be hurting
|
On May 09 2013 18:08 McBengt wrote:Show nested quote +On May 09 2013 18:00 kaluro wrote:On May 09 2013 17:52 McBengt wrote:
Uh what? Most cheating is probably being drunk and just having poor judgement. A friend of mine has cheated on every girlfriend he's had, which would be at least four. He's a nice guy, truly, just drinks too much and doesn't think things through. Keep thinking that way ^^, at least I know I'll have solid relationships while the poor women who hook up with your friend will be getting the worst end of the stick. He can be nice but if he repeatedly cheats on his women and uses alcohol as an excuse ( A very sucky one at that), he's not proper relationship material but merely "Friends with benefits" material if any. I don't know how young you are (no offense meant) but it takes a while before you start respecting the values of a solid relationship. Are you suggesting alcohol does not impair judgement? Cheating is mostly an impulsive decision brought on by the perfectly natural instinct to procreate with as many people as possible. Humans are not monogamous by nature. There is no intrinsic value to a relationship of sexual exclusivity. Looser inhibitions simply make us act more according to our nature. Oh, and I've been in relationships, it sucked. I doubt I'll ever really learn to appreciate something I don't even like the concept of.
I am saying that if you're an adult (21+), you are responsible for your own actions and that using alcohol as an excuse for cheating on your long-term partner is a very faulty one. Using excuses for something you had full control of to begin with is just faulty. Just like saying humans are not monogamous by nature. You'll never in my life catch me on cheating. If I find something potent enough to try out, I'd first break up with my girlfriend. I am responsible enough to do that and I am not the type of asshole to ruin a long term relationship and disrespect my partner like that.
If your friend knows he cheats on his partners when drinking too much alcohol (which is bull in my opinion, you might be less aware of what you're doing, but you're still véry aware), he should lower on the amount of alcohol he intakes as he obviously can't handle it well at all.
Cheating is not impulsive at all, cheating is done by immature people who aren't read to settle yet and they do it willingly and knowingly. all the excuses you see passing by is to cover up how 'weak' they are to resist temptations. It's their doing, their responsibility, not like they were being mind controlled or anything.
If you hit someone in the face during a super super heated arguement, THAT's impulsive.
If you start to chat a girl up, go to her place, get undressed, get nude in bed and have sex.. how the hell can that be impulsive. Impulsiveness is done within seconds, not hours.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
