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On September 29 2018 06:41 ZerOCoolSC2 wrote:Show nested quote +On September 29 2018 05:57 L_Master wrote:On September 28 2018 12:03 ZerOCoolSC2 wrote:
The dumbest thing I have heard trying to get to know someone, "stop asking me personal questions, ion know you." That was the exact verbiage used. I asked if she liked ramen because I know a few great places that would be dope first dates. Then her last name triggered a memory from the military and I thought maybe I knew someone she was related. Honest question. But nah, she gave me the above reply.
The amount of things a male can say to a woman and asking about your like for ramen or if you had anyone serve, is far too much and hostility is needed. I don't have time for that. Irritating. To be honest I don't really understand where you're coming from unless I'm missing something. Truth is some women are very hesitant or nervous like that. You can avoid them if that turns you off or you find it annoying, but, I don't feel you can blame them. That usually comes from guys doing wierd/bad shit to them, or hearing too many stories from friends about bad shit happening. Blame for that really should fall on guys. Is this online dating? Sounds like it since you're talking about pitching a first date. Not sure what you mean by "I don't have time for that." It's online. It doesn't really take any time. Just next her and move on to someone else. One or two minutes lost maximum. Not a big deal. If she did this an hour+ into an in person date, that would be entering borderline wierd territory to me. You'd either know by that point that she was very hesitant/nervous (so it shouldn't be a huge surprise) or you'd know that for whatever reason you had hit on a sensitive topic and just to pivot away. Short of those two it's hard for me to imagine this happening during an actual date. It goes for either online or offline. Every question is a personal question. You can't break the ice without asking a personal question. So how does one go about doing that? It was a quick, "hey, you popped up on my feed, we're both local. blah blah blah." And then an hour or so later, she hits me with that. If you can't answer a few questions, then something is weird. Maybe it is them getting hit on by every swinging dick, but still, a little politeness would be more deserved. I didn't send a dick pic or come off as anything than just wanting to talk a little, get to know her and see what happened. But all the same, yeah, I get the female perspective. It was just, weird that "stop asking personal questions" is a thing someone would say.
I got the feeling she meant personal questions in the sense of things she knows or people she knows. I could see, with a hesitant girl, how she might see that as too much "trying to figure out who I am".
If she responded to a question about what type of food she likes best, or what hobbies she has, or what's her favorite qualities and herself or in others, etc. I would be in total agreement. She'd basically just be wanting jokes or idle chit chat at that point.
In my opinion your question was totally reasonable to ask, especially knowing your perspective, but I could see where a nervous girl would be like "Wait what. Why is this guy asking if I know this person?". From my own perspective, asking "Do you know X" is a little more personal than "what do you enjoy doing for fun". I'm not sure if you explained why you were asking about knowing "X", but if not then I would do that in the future. If you did...eh, yea I think that's a bit of a paranoid reaction and I'd probably just next her. In my experience reactions like that are pretty uncommon. Certainly less than 1 in 25.
From what she said, I don't think that impolite. It's not like she said "fuck off you wierd creep". It's a simple "hey I'm not comfortable talking about that with someone I don't know.". She told you directly to not ask her questions like that (not rude imo) and she gave you a (female style) reason (she isn't comfortable with you), which is always a nice thing rather than leaving you in the dark. I didn't find the way she said it offensive, but if it bothered you or you just don't like that demeanor/type of girl then I'd just shrug it off and be glad the girl did you a favor and quickly outed herself to you as a girl you're not interested in.
When you say an hour or so later: did you guys exchanged 30 to 60 messages, or did you message her once and then an hour later she replied back? If the former, in my opinion you're spending way to much time talking to women online. I rarely exchange more than 3-5 messages before asking for a date. That comes from a combination of me believing people can seem very different online to in person and in-person is the only good way to get to know someone; mixed with time efficiency needs.
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On September 29 2018 06:59 L_Master wrote:Show nested quote +On September 29 2018 06:41 ZerOCoolSC2 wrote:On September 29 2018 05:57 L_Master wrote:On September 28 2018 12:03 ZerOCoolSC2 wrote:
The dumbest thing I have heard trying to get to know someone, "stop asking me personal questions, ion know you." That was the exact verbiage used. I asked if she liked ramen because I know a few great places that would be dope first dates. Then her last name triggered a memory from the military and I thought maybe I knew someone she was related. Honest question. But nah, she gave me the above reply.
The amount of things a male can say to a woman and asking about your like for ramen or if you had anyone serve, is far too much and hostility is needed. I don't have time for that. Irritating. To be honest I don't really understand where you're coming from unless I'm missing something. Truth is some women are very hesitant or nervous like that. You can avoid them if that turns you off or you find it annoying, but, I don't feel you can blame them. That usually comes from guys doing wierd/bad shit to them, or hearing too many stories from friends about bad shit happening. Blame for that really should fall on guys. Is this online dating? Sounds like it since you're talking about pitching a first date. Not sure what you mean by "I don't have time for that." It's online. It doesn't really take any time. Just next her and move on to someone else. One or two minutes lost maximum. Not a big deal. If she did this an hour+ into an in person date, that would be entering borderline wierd territory to me. You'd either know by that point that she was very hesitant/nervous (so it shouldn't be a huge surprise) or you'd know that for whatever reason you had hit on a sensitive topic and just to pivot away. Short of those two it's hard for me to imagine this happening during an actual date. It goes for either online or offline. Every question is a personal question. You can't break the ice without asking a personal question. So how does one go about doing that? It was a quick, "hey, you popped up on my feed, we're both local. blah blah blah." And then an hour or so later, she hits me with that. If you can't answer a few questions, then something is weird. Maybe it is them getting hit on by every swinging dick, but still, a little politeness would be more deserved. I didn't send a dick pic or come off as anything than just wanting to talk a little, get to know her and see what happened. But all the same, yeah, I get the female perspective. It was just, weird that "stop asking personal questions" is a thing someone would say. I got the feeling she meant personal questions in the sense of things she knows or people she knows. I could see, with a hesitant girl, how she might see that as too much "trying to figure out who I am". If she responded to a question about what type of food she likes best, or what hobbies she has, or what's her favorite qualities and herself or in others, etc. I would be in total agreement. She'd basically just be wanting jokes or idle chit chat at that point. In my opinion your question was totally reasonable to ask, especially knowing your perspective, but I could see where a nervous girl would be like "Wait what. Why is this guy asking if I know this person?". From my own perspective, asking "Do you know X" is a little more personal than "what do you enjoy doing for fun". I'm not sure if you explained why you were asking about knowing "X", but if not then I would do that in the future. If you did...eh, yea I think that's a bit of a paranoid reaction and I'd probably just next her. In my experience reactions like that are pretty uncommon. Certainly less than 1 in 25. From what she said, I don't think that impolite. It's not like she said "fuck off you wierd creep". It's a simple "hey I'm not comfortable talking about that with someone I don't know.". She told you directly to not ask her questions like that (not rude imo) and she gave you a (female style) reason (she isn't comfortable with you), which is always a nice thing rather than leaving you in the dark. I didn't find the way she said it offensive, but if it bothered you or you just don't like that demeanor/type of girl then I'd just shrug it off and be glad the girl did you a favor and quickly outed herself to you as a girl you're not interested in. When you say an hour or so later: did you guys exchanged 30 to 60 messages, or did you message her once and then an hour later she replied back? If the former, in my opinion you're spending way to much time talking to women online. I rarely exchange more than 3-5 messages before asking for a date. That comes from a combination of me believing people can seem very different online to in person and in-person is the only good way to get to know someone; mixed with time efficiency needs.
Her last name jogged a memory and I was simply curious to see if we had someone in common. And she didn't even respond to the food question. It was "idk u" I guess you can call me a grammar nazi or whatever, but I would at least someone talk with some kind of intellect when first meeting/chatting with someone. I don't really like the internet lingo and it just irked me.
I get what you mean by a female style of reason. I'm not a stranger to it. It happens.
And yeah, we probably exchanged about half that. She was responsive, but then she just flipped the script and I was like, "wow, excuse me." and I bounced out. No more time spent on that. Like I said, we're both local and admittedly, I don't have many friends out here, so I was wondering if she would be free to meet up but it never got that far. Not that it really matters, I'm hopefully moving to Chicago in a month or so for work. Just wanted someone to chat with while I waited.
I don't talk to a lot of women online to be perfectly honest. I am selective to who I give my time to, as that is the most valuable thing to me. If I go out and meet people, I usually have a good time. But a string of things have prevented me from being an outgoing person and I'm pretty hesitant these days to put forth the effort. The ones I do put the effort into, are definitely worth it.
Dating has become a strange land I'm still not fully comprehending. I'm 31 and young enough to have grown up with it, but I'm also old enough to remember actually talking to people in person and being open about who we are.
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United Kingdom13775 Posts
If someone has an interesting name, that’s always the first thing I ever ask about, because there’s usually an interesting story there. The response is usually interesting, even if it’s also true that it’s approached with at least a little bit of incredulity. I get “no one has ever asked me that before” fairly often, which is perhaps a good explanation for why the question always draws interesting reactions. I’d take a response like “stop asking personal questions” quite personally though - if you’re not willing to share at least bits and pieces of your life story, there’s really not much more to talk about.
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On September 29 2018 07:49 LegalLord wrote:
If someone has an interesting name, that’s always the first thing I ever ask about, because there’s usually an interesting story there. The response is usually interesting, even if it’s also true that it’s approached with at least a little bit of incredulity. I get “no one has ever asked me that before” fairly often, which is perhaps a good explanation for why the question always draws interesting reactions. I’d take a response like “stop asking personal questions” quite personally though - if you’re not willing to share at least bits and pieces of your life story, there’s really not much more to talk about.
Cool idea!
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I've been around the country a bit and this was the first time I met someone with that same last name. So yeah, I asked. If she had said, "No, why?" or something to that effect (even though I told her why I asked), then I would have explained and we could have continued the conversation as light banter or just move on completely. It just makes no sense to say "stop asking me personal questions." It must make getting to know her really hard for anyone, not just males.
Water under the bridge really. I didn't waste anything but an hour. Moving on, I'll just ask the most generic questions a person can ask, either in person or online. Just be, as they said in the US polo thread, "mayonnaise."
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On September 29 2018 08:02 ZerOCoolSC2 wrote:
I've been around the country a bit and this was the first time I met someone with that same last name. So yeah, I asked. If she had said, "No, why?" or something to that effect (even though I told her why I asked), then I would have explained and we could have continued the conversation as light banter or just move on completely. It just makes no sense to say "stop asking me personal questions." It must make getting to know her really hard for anyone, not just males.
She *probably* only does this to guys, and only to guys she hasn't met in person. If she does that to everything, and not just questions about people she knows, then yes, I would bet my house she goes on very few, if any dates, due to the extreme inhibition.
And yes, if she rejects any and all personal questions, that would make no sense. I'm not entirely convinced that's what she was going for. I think she was just rejecting to you asking about who she knows, rather than ANY personal question. I could be wrong. If I am wrong, then for sure what she said makes zero sense.
On September 29 2018 08:02 ZerOCoolSC2 wrote:
Moving on, I'll just ask the most generic questions a person can ask, either in person or online. Just be, as they said in the US polo thread, "mayonnaise."
I wouldn't take that approach. Online I usually just open with either something unique about her (not her looks) or something from the profile, of it I'm stone cold out of idea's something dumb like "you look like trouble" or "you seem adventurous". Maybe a banter or two, then usually a question that challenges them about who they are, and then if the answer doesn't totally turn me a off a "Hey I like what you said you seem cool. We should meet up, something simple like a quick drink. At the moment I could make Day X or Day Y evening work."
Usually she either says yes or I get radio silence. I forget the latter, you can sometimes resurrect them with something funny/good story but it never goes anywhere (okay, maybe 1 in 25...not worth it to me from a time perspective). Rarely I get a "I'm interested but I don't know you well enough response". If she is very young, I might chat a few more lines and pitch a meet again. If still no, I move on. I don't ask for phone numbers before, I find pitching a meet first does much better. After that I ask for a number/snap/etc. and at that point if she has agreed to meet she basically always agrees to give me that.
From there it's schedule the date, maybe one little banter session beforehand and then a confirmation text a few hours before. I guess you could say I'm fairly vanilla online.
Then in person I'll ask her much more serious stuff. I usually start off with a little fun banter, get relaxed, maybe get her talking about some hobbies or whatever. I want her doing most of the talking, she feels more engaged that way and I'm learning about her. From there I'll move into some more personal stuff, and actually ask some questions looking for things that matter to me. In my case this is looking for things like values fitness, trying to get a sense if she is kind/gentle, open minded, is she majorly a party girl or more a homebody, etc. The only thing that I find dangerous here is if I'm not careful it's easy to be in "interview mode" rather than having a flowing conversation. After that I usually segue into "So, hows the dating life been treating you" which gives me some idea about her sex drive, relationship history, etc. and as a bonus most women LOVE to talk about this. Share some funny stories of cool/wierd/bad dates here. Then I usually talk a little about sex; craziest stuff we've done, what turns her on, etc. If she is more reserved I keep it light, but most women love to talk about this and sometimes we get fairly detailed (how do you usually orgasm, favorite positions, etc.) After that it's a nice, firm, romantic hug goodbye and then arrange second date if I came away wanting to see her again.
Obviously the actual conversation will vary wildly date by date, but that general arrangement of banter/fun tone -> learn more about her, ask some probing questions to learn -> relationship talk -> sex talk -> goodbye is something I really like and works very well for me.
In person, I've never once had anything remotely close to the "don't ask me about personal stuff" question. I think you just got a very rare, particularly hesitant/nervous lady. If the comments I get after dates are any guide I think you'll be more frustrated and lose out on more opportunities being vanilla.
One other point on talking about sex. I feel I need to be explicitly clear there is a difference between being a guy who is confident talking about sex and a horny mofo. Being the latter is creepy and terrible. Don't do that. Things like "I bet you love a guy with magic hands  " would be a major no no.
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On September 29 2018 08:28 L_Master wrote:Show nested quote +On September 29 2018 08:02 ZerOCoolSC2 wrote:
I've been around the country a bit and this was the first time I met someone with that same last name. So yeah, I asked. If she had said, "No, why?" or something to that effect (even though I told her why I asked), then I would have explained and we could have continued the conversation as light banter or just move on completely. It just makes no sense to say "stop asking me personal questions." It must make getting to know her really hard for anyone, not just males. She *probably* only does this to guys, and only to guys she hasn't met in person. If she does that to everything, and not just questions about people she knows, then yes, I would bet my house she goes on very few, if any dates, due to the extreme inhibition. And yes, if she rejects any and all personal questions, that would make no sense. I'm not entirely convinced that's what she was going for. I think she was just rejecting to you asking about who she knows, rather than ANY personal question. I could be wrong. If I am wrong, then for sure what she said makes zero sense. Show nested quote +On September 29 2018 08:02 ZerOCoolSC2 wrote:
Moving on, I'll just ask the most generic questions a person can ask, either in person or online. Just be, as they said in the US polo thread, "mayonnaise." I wouldn't take that approach. Online I usually just open with either something unique about her (not her looks) or something from the profile, of it I'm stone cold out of idea's something dumb like "you look like trouble" or "you seem adventurous". Maybe a banter or two, then usually a question that challenges them about who they are, and then if the answer doesn't totally turn me a off a "Hey I like what you said you seem cool. We should meet up, something simple like a quick drink. At the moment I could make Day X or Day Y evening work." Usually she either says yes or I get radio silence. I forget the latter, you can sometimes resurrect them with something funny/good story but it never goes anywhere (okay, maybe 1 in 25...not worth it to me from a time perspective). Rarely I get a "I'm interested but I don't know you well enough response". If she is very young, I might chat a few more lines and pitch a meet again. If still no, I move on. I don't ask for phone numbers before, I find pitching a meet first does much better. After that I ask for a number/snap/etc. and at that point if she has agreed to meet she basically always agrees to give me that. From there it's schedule the date, maybe one little banter session beforehand and then a confirmation text a few hours before. I guess you could say I'm fairly vanilla online. Then in person I'll ask her much more serious stuff. I usually start off with a little fun banter, get relaxed, maybe get her talking about some hobbies or whatever. I want her doing most of the talking, she feels more engaged that way and I'm learning about her. From there I'll move into some more personal stuff, and actually ask some questions looking for things that matter to me. In my case this is looking for things like values fitness, trying to get a sense if she is kind/gentle, open minded, is she majorly a party girl or more a homebody, etc. The only thing that I find dangerous here is if I'm not careful it's easy to be in "interview mode" rather than having a flowing conversation. After that I usually segue into "So, hows the dating life been treating you" which gives me some idea about her sex drive, relationship history, etc. and as a bonus most women LOVE to talk about this. Share some funny stories of cool/wierd/bad dates here. Then I usually talk a little about sex; craziest stuff we've done, what turns her on, etc. If she is more reserved I keep it light, but most women love to talk about this and sometimes we get fairly detailed (how do you usually orgasm, favorite positions, etc.) After that it's a nice, firm, romantic hug goodbye and then arrange second date if I came away wanting to see her again. Obviously the actual conversation will vary wildly date by date, but that general arrangement of banter/fun tone -> learn more about her, ask some probing questions to learn -> relationship talk -> sex talk -> goodbye is something I really like and works very well for me. In person, I've never once had anything remotely close to the "don't ask me about personal stuff" question. I think you just got a very rare, particularly hesitant/nervous lady. If the comments I get after dates are any guide I think you'll be more frustrated and lose out on more opportunities being vanilla. One other point on talking about sex. I feel I need to be explicitly clear there is a difference between being a guy who is confident talking about sex and a horny mofo. Being the latter is creepy and terrible. Don't do that. Things like "I bet you love a guy with magic hands " would be a major no no.
I don't have this kind of issue in person. It is usually at a bar, watching people dance and just feeling the vibe. I've been on the receiving end so I can understand a little by what women on a daily goes through. I think I just found someone who just had a lot of people making really lewd comments and was just steering clear of potential creeps. I can get that. It was just the way it came across that rubbed me wrong.
I've been talking with a girl I met on IG for what seems like years and I've never met her. She's in a different state but we make an effort to keep the relationship somewhat hopeful. Our schedules don't really allow for one or the other to fly out. I've been moving a lot recently, so I've been hesitant on really getting to know people in general, especially women who I see will form an attachment. I can't guarantee I'll still be in the city this time next year. So I usually just small talk a lot of people.
The few I have shown interest in and have asked for a date, shot down the idea. Not sure if it's them being hit on all the time or whatever, but if we spend...more than 5-10 minutes talking, I'm shooting my shot. If they're someone I could see just hanging out with and not having a romantic relationship with, then it's easier. I'm notoriously shy, so that does not work in my favor. In most of my encounters, it's the woman who approaches me or gives the hint. I can't really recall a time (except the current woman I'm talking to), where I've honestly put in effort. It just happens.
I think, if I get to Chicago, I'll be a lot more outgoing and trying to see what is there for me in the dating and relationship world. I'm not against it talking to people or getting to know them. It's just, the effort it takes to get them to open up and then rinse and repeat.
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What's the general idea about religious-not that religious couple relationship?
The girl I'm seeing is a bit religious. I respect people unless they are hardcore atheists that fight every religious thing they come across or they are complete bigots. I was a bit religious too when young but gradually quit caring because I feel it restricts too much an already short and hard life. I'm 29 I have a good maybe 10-15 years and can't spend it caring about every little restriction religion brings.
She had a very tough time growing up with an extremely problematic father (he even burned down their home). I feel she embraced religion as a way to get through it.
She yesterday said she don't want to be in a serious relationship with a man that don't perform even the basic worships like going to prayer once a week and fasting for a month in a year.
I kinda like her many other aspects. She experienced many hardships and still strong and very caring about people. But I want to live the life and be happy, our religion is very restrictive when it comes to the stuff, even in bedroom and in daily life there are a lot of rules. We didn't talk about it that much since I don't like to argue about religion but I guess it may be a problem down the line.
For example I don't drink that much but I like a wine or couple beers a few times a week. I guess she will oppose that, or won't join me. I'd prefer we could share that moments. Or religion says I have to take a shower after sex. It's okay but I take a shower when I feel dirty not because religion says that. I imagine she may argue about me on every little thing like that. I don't know.
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On October 06 2018 16:56 mantequilla wrote:
What's the general idea about religious-not that religious couple relationship?
The girl I'm seeing is a bit religious. I respect people unless they are hardcore atheists that fight every religious thing they come across or they are complete bigots. I was a bit religious too when young but gradually quit caring because I feel it restricts too much an already short and hard life. I'm 29 I have a good maybe 10-15 years and can't spend it caring about every little restriction religion brings.
She had a very tough time growing up with an extremely problematic father (he even burned down their home). I feel she embraced religion as a way to get through it.
She yesterday said she don't want to be in a serious relationship with a man that don't perform even the basic worships like going to prayer once a week and fasting for a month in a year.
I kinda like her many other aspects. She experienced many hardships and still strong and very caring about people. But I want to live the life and be happy, our religion is very restrictive when it comes to the stuff, even in bedroom and in daily life there are a lot of rules. We didn't talk about it that much since I don't like to argue about religion but I guess it may be a problem down the line.
For example I don't drink that much but I like a wine or couple beers a few times a week. I guess she will oppose that, or won't join me. I'd prefer we could share that moments. Or religion says I have to take a shower after sex. It's okay but I take a shower when I feel dirty not because religion says that. I imagine she may argue about me on every little thing like that. I don't know.
The bolded is the major issue you need to address, because that is a very clear conflict of interest. She wants to have a relationship with a religious man, and you don't want to be a religious man. The only way around this is if either she or you changes. Which means that if you guys want to be serious, you need to deal with that at some point. And the longer you keep it quiet and hope it works out, the more this will become a problem eventually, because she will keep on believing that you want to become religious, and you will keep on believing that she is fine with you not being religious, which leads to major conflicts eventually.
All the other naggings (that so far have not happened yet and never may, remember this!) are secondary to this, and disappear once you solve the primary problem. (And i mean really solve, not just kinda have a half-assed armistice about). Sadly, there does not appear to be a simple solution. Either you become religious, or she becomes fine with you not being religious. Both of those are hard.
And not to disturb you even more, but she telling you that she only wants to be with a religious man, when she is with you and knows that you are not a religious man, sounds like her trying to tell you "get religious or get out". That might be an incorrect read on the situation though, since i obviously was not there for context.
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On October 06 2018 16:56 mantequilla wrote:
She yesterday said she don't want to be in a serious relationship with a man that don't perform even the basic worships like going to prayer once a week and fasting for a month in a year.
Sounds like you should just end it right now.
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On October 06 2018 17:06 Simberto wrote:Show nested quote +On October 06 2018 16:56 mantequilla wrote:
What's the general idea about religious-not that religious couple relationship?
The girl I'm seeing is a bit religious. I respect people unless they are hardcore atheists that fight every religious thing they come across or they are complete bigots. I was a bit religious too when young but gradually quit caring because I feel it restricts too much an already short and hard life. I'm 29 I have a good maybe 10-15 years and can't spend it caring about every little restriction religion brings.
She had a very tough time growing up with an extremely problematic father (he even burned down their home). I feel she embraced religion as a way to get through it.
She yesterday said she don't want to be in a serious relationship with a man that don't perform even the basic worships like going to prayer once a week and fasting for a month in a year.
I kinda like her many other aspects. She experienced many hardships and still strong and very caring about people. But I want to live the life and be happy, our religion is very restrictive when it comes to the stuff, even in bedroom and in daily life there are a lot of rules. We didn't talk about it that much since I don't like to argue about religion but I guess it may be a problem down the line.
For example I don't drink that much but I like a wine or couple beers a few times a week. I guess she will oppose that, or won't join me. I'd prefer we could share that moments. Or religion says I have to take a shower after sex. It's okay but I take a shower when I feel dirty not because religion says that. I imagine she may argue about me on every little thing like that. I don't know. The bolded is the major issue you need to address, because that is a very clear conflict of interest. She wants to have a relationship with a religious man, and you don't want to be a religious man. The only way around this is if either she or you changes. Which means that if you guys want to be serious, you need to deal with that at some point. And the longer you keep it quiet and hope it works out, the more this will become a problem eventually, because she will keep on believing that you want to become religious, and you will keep on believing that she is fine with you not being religious, which leads to major conflicts eventually. All the other naggings (that so far have not happened yet and never may, remember this!) are secondary to this, and disappear once you solve the primary problem. (And i mean really solve, not just kinda have a half-assed armistice about). Sadly, there does not appear to be a simple solution. Either you become religious, or she becomes fine with you not being religious. Both of those are hard. And not to disturb you even more, but she telling you that she only wants to be with a religious man, when she is with you and knows that you are not a religious man, sounds like her trying to tell you "get religious or get out". That might be an incorrect read on the situation though, since i obviously was not there for context.
This seems right. Also, if she is saying that, her parents are probably quite conservative, and even if you convince her to be ok with a non-religious man, you will then have a real mess when it comes to her family.
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On October 06 2018 17:20 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On October 06 2018 16:56 mantequilla wrote:
She yesterday said she don't want to be in a serious relationship with a man that don't perform even the basic worships like going to prayer once a week and fasting for a month in a year. Sounds like you should just end it right now.
Kinda thinking the same thing. Or at the very least basically sit down with her and tell her something to the effect of "I really love/care about you, and want you to be happy. However, I'm never going to be a religious person. Ever. If that’s unacceptable to you and you need to leave me because of it, I’ll be very sad, but I’ll understand and want you to do what's best for you"
On October 06 2018 17:23 Acrofales wrote:Show nested quote +On October 06 2018 17:06 Simberto wrote:On October 06 2018 16:56 mantequilla wrote:
What's the general idea about religious-not that religious couple relationship?
The girl I'm seeing is a bit religious. I respect people unless they are hardcore atheists that fight every religious thing they come across or they are complete bigots. I was a bit religious too when young but gradually quit caring because I feel it restricts too much an already short and hard life. I'm 29 I have a good maybe 10-15 years and can't spend it caring about every little restriction religion brings.
She had a very tough time growing up with an extremely problematic father (he even burned down their home). I feel she embraced religion as a way to get through it.
She yesterday said she don't want to be in a serious relationship with a man that don't perform even the basic worships like going to prayer once a week and fasting for a month in a year.
I kinda like her many other aspects. She experienced many hardships and still strong and very caring about people. But I want to live the life and be happy, our religion is very restrictive when it comes to the stuff, even in bedroom and in daily life there are a lot of rules. We didn't talk about it that much since I don't like to argue about religion but I guess it may be a problem down the line.
For example I don't drink that much but I like a wine or couple beers a few times a week. I guess she will oppose that, or won't join me. I'd prefer we could share that moments. Or religion says I have to take a shower after sex. It's okay but I take a shower when I feel dirty not because religion says that. I imagine she may argue about me on every little thing like that. I don't know. The bolded is the major issue you need to address, because that is a very clear conflict of interest. She wants to have a relationship with a religious man, and you don't want to be a religious man. The only way around this is if either she or you changes. Which means that if you guys want to be serious, you need to deal with that at some point. And the longer you keep it quiet and hope it works out, the more this will become a problem eventually, because she will keep on believing that you want to become religious, and you will keep on believing that she is fine with you not being religious, which leads to major conflicts eventually. All the other naggings (that so far have not happened yet and never may, remember this!) are secondary to this, and disappear once you solve the primary problem. (And i mean really solve, not just kinda have a half-assed armistice about). Sadly, there does not appear to be a simple solution. Either you become religious, or she becomes fine with you not being religious. Both of those are hard. And not to disturb you even more, but she telling you that she only wants to be with a religious man, when she is with you and knows that you are not a religious man, sounds like her trying to tell you "get religious or get out". That might be an incorrect read on the situation though, since i obviously was not there for context. This seems right. Also, if she is saying that, her parents are probably quite conservative, and even if you convince her to be ok with a non-religious man, you will then have a real mess when it comes to her family.
First thing I want to say is you're 100% right, especially depending on area, that this will be a mess. Honestly though, I just don't tolerate that in my life. If her family where to give me crap, or especially be disresectful, rude, or cold; I would just cut them out of my life. Realistically, this will still cause some conflict because their daughter is still very likely to want to spend time with them. The only way it goes more or less smoothly is if she is 100% on board, and delivers a similar ultimatum along those lines (If you want to see me again, you must treat my husband respectfully). This, of course, is a highly unlikely scenario unless you two are really on the same wavelength about everything, which clearly isn't the case here.
It's definitely something to think about long term, especially if you know the girl has very strong family ties.
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The 5 Star General is back!
My GF of 3.5years is gone for over 4 months abroad to study
And a month in she called me she wants to take a break.
I actually offered it before she left , but she's so nice and kinda traditional that I just couldn't make myself offer it without giving away this half joking undertone, she hasn't been with many guys and I really think a person needs experiences like that while young before settling, or then you ask yourself what if 10 years down the line.
I love her dearly, but it's important to me to be with someone who wants you almost above all else.
So I might never see here again, but it'd be great if she gives me a call one day
I'll be working hard on my job, sustainable lifestyle. And maybe I'll take up my old hobby again - dating :D
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Awesome attitude LemOn. Sounds like you have a great mindset about this.
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On October 07 2018 01:29 LemOn wrote:
The 5 Star General is back!
My GF of 3.5years is gone for over 4 months abroad to study
And a month in she called me she wants to take a break.
I actually offered it before she left , but she's so nice and kinda traditional that I just couldn't make myself offer it without giving away this half joking undertone, she hasn't been with many guys and I really think a person needs experiences like that while young before settling, or then you ask yourself what if 10 years down the line.
I love her dearly, but it's important to me to be with someone who wants you almost above all else.
So I might never see here again, but it'd be great if she gives me a call one day
I'll be working hard on my job, sustainable lifestyle. And maybe I'll take up my old hobby again - dating :D
Damn that sucks.
I feel that is a problem with dating younger people though, they aren't in the same state in life most of the times. And I feel like it's just a matter of time before they decide to do something else, without you. I'm only 25, but if I date a 20 year old 70% of the times she will not have even have started studying at University. A lot of people choose to leave Stockholm as well (which I think you're a moron if you do not do it). Which would result in a long distance distance relationship. Which in turn, given that the fabric of space rips apart and I actually find someone I like who likes me back, would be a problem for me.
What are your thoughts about her coming back into your life after studying abroad? I feel like I would be split if I even would want her back...
On one hand I agree with you that I think she should experience stuff.
But 4 months away is honestly nothing at all given that you've been together for 3.5 years? If it takes that little for her to want a break, is it worth restarting the relationship afterwards? Wouldn't you be scared of her leaving for another "bump in the road" two years later?
Anyways, it's good to have the master of dating back 
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On October 07 2018 06:09 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On October 07 2018 01:29 LemOn wrote:
The 5 Star General is back!
My GF of 3.5years is gone for over 4 months abroad to study
And a month in she called me she wants to take a break.
I actually offered it before she left , but she's so nice and kinda traditional that I just couldn't make myself offer it without giving away this half joking undertone, she hasn't been with many guys and I really think a person needs experiences like that while young before settling, or then you ask yourself what if 10 years down the line.
I love her dearly, but it's important to me to be with someone who wants you almost above all else.
So I might never see here again, but it'd be great if she gives me a call one day
I'll be working hard on my job, sustainable lifestyle. And maybe I'll take up my old hobby again - dating :D
Damn that sucks. I feel that is a problem with dating younger people though, they aren't in the same state in life most of the times. And I feel like it's just a matter of time before they decide to do something else, without you. I'm only 25, but if I date a 20 year old 70% of the times she will not have even have started studying at University. A lot of people choose to leave Stockholm as well (which I think you're a moron if you do not do it). Which would result in a long distance distance relationship. Which in turn, given that the fabric of space rips apart and I actually find someone I like who likes me back, would be a problem for me. Anyways, it's good to have the master of dating back
Absolutely have noticed this, and it seems to be more the norm than the exception. As you said though, it makes perfect sense. Guess it's the "price" you pay/risk you take if you want to date someone on the younger end of the spectrum.
What are your thoughts about her coming back into your life after studying abroad? I feel like I would be split if I even would want her back...
On one hand I agree with you that I think she should experience stuff.
But 4 months away is honestly nothing at all given that you've been together for 3.5 years? If it takes that little for her to want a break, is it worth restarting the relationship afterwards? Wouldn't you be scared of her leaving for another "bump in the road" two years later?
From my non-monogamous perspective it's not a big issue for me. It's always a bit of a bummer to lose someone, especially so if it was a deep, strong relationship.
For me though, there isn't a "risk" to taking them back because they aren't the only person I'm dating. That particular relationship won't likely have the closeness it once did, but if we re-connect and I find I still enjoy spending time with them I'm happy to resume that relationship on some level. If they do leave again, I of course will miss them, but I accept it happens and move on from there.
One interesting thing I've noticed, probably as a result of dating non-monogamously, is that women will often leave me when they find someone that they see as a boyfriend. So far this has happened four times, two are still in relationships, but the other two immediately came right back to me when they broke up with there boyfriend. Will be interesting to see if that is a common theme.
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Just went on my first date after breaking up with my ex in April.
Went hiking, then got Chinese food, then walked around and talked an got insomnia cookies. Was pretty aight.
She's legit crazy tho.
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On October 07 2018 06:34 L_Master wrote:Show nested quote +On October 07 2018 06:09 bloodwhore~ wrote:On October 07 2018 01:29 LemOn wrote:
The 5 Star General is back!
My GF of 3.5years is gone for over 4 months abroad to study
And a month in she called me she wants to take a break.
I actually offered it before she left , but she's so nice and kinda traditional that I just couldn't make myself offer it without giving away this half joking undertone, she hasn't been with many guys and I really think a person needs experiences like that while young before settling, or then you ask yourself what if 10 years down the line.
I love her dearly, but it's important to me to be with someone who wants you almost above all else.
So I might never see here again, but it'd be great if she gives me a call one day
I'll be working hard on my job, sustainable lifestyle. And maybe I'll take up my old hobby again - dating :D
Damn that sucks. I feel that is a problem with dating younger people though, they aren't in the same state in life most of the times. And I feel like it's just a matter of time before they decide to do something else, without you. I'm only 25, but if I date a 20 year old 70% of the times she will not have even have started studying at University. A lot of people choose to leave Stockholm as well (which I think you're a moron if you do not do it). Which would result in a long distance distance relationship. Which in turn, given that the fabric of space rips apart and I actually find someone I like who likes me back, would be a problem for me. Anyways, it's good to have the master of dating back Absolutely have noticed this, and it seems to be more the norm than the exception. As you said though, it makes perfect sense. Guess it's the "price" you pay/risk you take if you want to date someone on the younger end of the spectrum. Show nested quote +What are your thoughts about her coming back into your life after studying abroad? I feel like I would be split if I even would want her back...
On one hand I agree with you that I think she should experience stuff.
But 4 months away is honestly nothing at all given that you've been together for 3.5 years? If it takes that little for her to want a break, is it worth restarting the relationship afterwards? Wouldn't you be scared of her leaving for another "bump in the road" two years later? From my non-monogamous perspective it's not a big issue for me. It's always a bit of a bummer to lose someone, especially so if it was a deep, strong relationship. For me though, there isn't a "risk" to taking them back because they aren't the only person I'm dating. That particular relationship won't likely have the closeness it once did, but if we re-connect and I find I still enjoy spending time with them I'm happy to resume that relationship on some level. If they do leave again, I of course will miss them, but I accept it happens and move on from there. One interesting thing I've noticed, probably as a result of dating non-monogamously, is that women will often leave me when they find someone that they see as a boyfriend. So far this has happened four times, two are still in relationships, but the other two immediately came right back to me when they broke up with there boyfriend. Will be interesting to see if that is a common theme.
Pretty much this.
It will be like dating someone new really.
She pointed out major things I've already been working on for months now for myself (namely sustainable lifestyle instead of the all or nothing approach I tend to take when it comes to work, dieting working out, even hobbies...,
And stress from my job making my moods etc. unstable. This stability I've been working on for the job itself and is a vital part of me performing well in the first place, let alone impact on relationships)
And last few months together I had my hand injured, big work project burnt me out, then got a bad flu, then got on antibiotics and she was stressed with working and studying and pushing herself too hard, while still living with her parents so we were not in the best place really either of us I feel when it comes to communication etc. I kinda welcomed the break myself even before she offered it, just to work on myself on my own while she's gone for months. Even though I'd prefer to stay in a relationship and keep contact and make it an open one temporarily before I got that call.
We will be different people when she comes back
I'm gonna be dating other women
And it's her who needs to come forward
And if/when she does and neither of us are in a committed relationship at that point I don't see why not go on a date with her and see how it goes after some time
EDIT: She hasn't cheated while being committed or anything, I really trust in her there. I know it's an arbitrary line but if she has an orgy with 20 big black guys now, gets married and divorced while away I'd be totally fine with that.
But if it turns out she did more than drunk kiss someone while still being committed that'd be it for me.
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On October 07 2018 14:56 Luepert wrote:
Just went on my first date after breaking up with my ex in April.
Went hiking, then got Chinese food, then walked around and talked an got insomnia cookies. Was pretty aight.
She's legit crazy tho.
Well congrats on getting back out there and having some fun!
Crazy is, within reason, pretty fun most of the time. Just realize if you get serious there will be constant drama 99% of the time. If you're not a drama guy be careful. If you are more the type of person that almost seems to thrive on drama (I don't understand you guys ) then have fun!
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Okay boys
Newly single
Last time around it was a serious hobby, nay, lifestyle, and took a lot of my time. Don't get me wrong, I learned a lot about myself, got a lot of confidence and sense of abundance when it comes to dating. But it'd be too much with me focusing on my career.
I think this time around I want to have a more balanced approach.
1) No Internet apps
Well first off I find a lot of women are not of the best quality there, I'm looking for someone who has a life is sought after
And
last time I remember I spent so much time on 3 different dating sites it hindered my productivity, not worth the effort I'd say.
Plus it takes such a long time as you have to send a bunch of messages and with like 1/10 women you actually strongly hit it off with chemistry and flow when you're together I'd rather skip that. Plus the constant urge to check messages is just so distracting, social media's plenty enough
2) Meeting activities
There's a bunch of stuff on meetup.com I go to, hiking meditation honesty workshops . . .
There's even a singles mixer at the top of a tower in this fancy bar I'll check out, these places are great to meet people in general, women also.
Actually met a great girl a day or two before my GF called me she wants a break on one of these.
I actually felt kinda guilty for feeling attracted to her and hitting it off on a personal level so well.
Of course I blabbed all day about how awesome my girlfriend is (EDIT: Ex-girlfriend, will take some time to get used to dammit, it's been years after all)) I don't want anything serious, and my best female friend's always busy these days so I think I'd love her to be my friend I can talk dating with, seems like more value to me at the moment.
3) Bars+clubs
I love dancing. On my own, I'm one of these people that get completely lost in the beat, almost meditative experience
And I used to do stuff like set a target that I'd approach 10 people without any result goals, just approach them see what happens, so I'll do that at cool events I'd go to anyways.
Plus I've met some cool guys that are single and also moved in from abroad, so I hope to get a partner in crime for proper sleazy PUA stuff :D
4) Cold day approach
It's damn terrifying
But probably the easiest way
It just basically means if I like someone during the day I keep my eyes open and strike a conversation.
I've only done it at events before, and where people drink and go to relax and/or it's full of tourists etc. where you know it's gonna be easy
But never really in everyday situations. Somehow I always get into these flirtatious conversations with older women, shop assistants etc. but always stopped myself when I'm just attracted to someone my age
Will be a great life lesson also to just be more social and think on my feet at all times, not just when I set my mind to it.
But where 2-3 I know I'll do and will be easy
4) Is still kind of a block in my mind and I've scarcely done even at the top of my game
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EPT
