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On October 05 2011 21:28 The Black wrote:
Although never fully discussed here, as I gather from searching, I'm sure a lot of TL have been thinking about it and been wanting to exchange ideas with others, especially those who have already made the commitment and being married.
So here I am, soon approaching the middle of my 20s, and with a gorgeous and wonderful girlfriend for 2 years. I recall Seth Rogen saying on TV that women thing about marriage all the time, and it's almost something that defines them. Men, on the other hand, think about it only when it's time. And I agree with him. Since after our first year of being together, my girlfriend has always tried to bring this up. To be honest, while I like the idea, I really don't know how to respond to it. To be completely honest, whenever I'm out, I think to myself "WOW all these lovely ladies and you're going to be with ONE woman for the rest of your life!" In short, panic.
But it's not that I'm completely adverse to the idea. It's just that It's not on my mind at the moment. Lately, I tried to assure here that 2012 will be our year, and if we had a chance, we can ever do it in the ruins of the Mayans, just to make it more memorable. I am sure that we would make each other good company, and would have the best of times ahead of us. But am I just being a barbar of the male species if I say that somewhere, somehow, you looks for other things, while keeping your wife as a constant, a home. It's unfair, yes, but it's a very strong drive. Really, the thought scares me to death. Millions and millions of women in the world, and you choose to be with one for the rest of your life. Damn.
Who among TL here are married already? How is married life so far? And who are in the same process as I am? It'd be interesting to hear your thoughts.
This sounds like you think there is someone better out there. Is this true? If you do think that, then you aren't ready to get married...
Men tend to blame the fact they dont think about marriage because they are men. If you truly want too you would have talked to her about it and you would have given it serious thought. The fact that you haven't says there is something about you or her that's holding you back.
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My cousin once told me "when you know, you know." She and her husband were married very quickly within 6 months of meeting each other. When I was single or dating, I never really understood those words. I would question, "Is this it?" "Is she the one?" and never really come up with a concrete answer.
I met my wife 2 years ago and we've been married 1.5 years. After a couple months, I realized she was someone I could imagine myself living with for the rest of my life. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I thought to myself "if I were to die today and never marry her, would I regret it?" In my heart, I knew would regret it if I didn't marry her. A lot of friends and family were saying to take it slow and take our time. In the end, it boiled down to what my cousin told me "when you know, you know." Haven't looked back ever since.
P.S. We have a 2 week old son now. 
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Probably not the best idea to get married and already be planning to cheat on her. Just saying.
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i recently celebrated my 6th wedding anniversary in Sept. my wife was on me about getting married for years. i wasn't ready. all women have a mindset that follows like this: engagement, wedding, kids. why? cuz thats all any of them talk about. "when are you getting married?" "when you gonna have kids?". its peer pressure from everyone around them, cuz thats what people think they have to do.
know what changed after we got married? nothing! its just a little piece of paper saying you legally share your lives.
remember, this isn't all about her. you guys have to make this decision together, if you feel she is the right girl, then yes, by all means...go get hitched. if you still aren't sure, wait it out for awhile, if she loves you, she'll understand. just don't string her along for too long.
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On October 05 2011 23:15 rogzardo wrote:
Probably not the best idea to get married and already be planning to cheat on her. Just saying.
You understood me perfectly. Does it still count as cheating if I still love here and commit to here forever?
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The thought of getting married was easy for me. Being married is easy for us. Been married for a little over three years now. We've been together since 10th grade. We are both 27. We also have a two year old daughter.
I still don't understand how EVERYONE says "marriage takes a lot of work blahblahblaaahhh".
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Eh although, I can't really agree with Seth Rogen as the best source of info. Time before marriage isn't really that big of a deal people make it out to be. My parent met 2 months before their marriage and have been married for 25+ years and continuing.
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On October 05 2011 23:38 The Black wrote:Show nested quote +On October 05 2011 23:15 rogzardo wrote:
Probably not the best idea to get married and already be planning to cheat on her. Just saying. You understood me perfectly. Does it still count as cheating if I still love here and commit to here forever?
Yes. Fucking another person counts as cheating.
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On October 05 2011 23:38 The Black wrote:Show nested quote +On October 05 2011 23:15 rogzardo wrote:
Probably not the best idea to get married and already be planning to cheat on her. Just saying. You understood me perfectly. Does it still count as cheating if I still love here and commit to here forever?
Now I'm beginning to think your a troll....
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Let me give you my opinion.
1) How many years you have been with the person doesn't make any conclusive sense : it's about how much you went through together(nice and bad things), of course if you have been with the person for 5 years, you are more likely to have encountered those moments than someone who is dating for 2 weeks that's just common sense, but you will find people that share more in one year than other in 5 years.
2) Being attracted physically by other persons,married or not, is completely normal, it's not the problem, it's about understanding that you will never be able to share the kind of relationship you have with your girlfriend with a stranger, who doesn't know you and that you don't know either. Simple example I'm pretty sure that if I say "noob" to a stranger he will not understand it, we will not laugh together about it, if I say "noob" to my fiancee right now she would start the PS3 and try to kick my ass at the game we play at that moment...It's just a completly random example that could apply to every situation you encounter in life with your partner.
3) Put all those legal benefits out of your decision, it shouldn't even come to mind seriously, it's about choosing if you're going or not to build the rest of your life with a person (whether it's a religious mariage or not doesn't matter)
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On October 05 2011 23:07 csn_JohnClark wrote:
If you are questioning how you feel about a woman... do not get married.
If you think the 'next step' in your life is to get married... do not get married.
BUT.. if neither one of those thoughts/feelings are present.. and you feel truly blessed to be sharing your life with the other person..then go for it! Its a commitment that takes work, a little luck and lots of love.. but one that is surely worth it.
my 3 cents...
Can't really say I agree with both of those "if's", to a extent you may be right though. But I still go by "a good follower questions his leader", in this sense I find it only natural to question your feelings about your loved one from time to time. After all, when you have a loved one and life is so amazing with her/him, isn't it natural for you to question those "perfect" moments in life and in that way question your love for him/her?
Doing this doesn't mean you aren't ready or shouldn't get married in any way, it may be a sign that you aren't ready yet, true, but not that often to really make it a general sign for everyone to watch out for. I do it alot, questioning her love for me and mine love for her and each and every time I or she proves me wrong about my doubts. I don't see how that would be a sign in any way to not get married or not being ready to get married.
As for the next step, that thought often comes to mind with people because of society labeling marriage as "the next step". Thinking about it in that way is a pretty regular thing to do for someone I do believe and not a reason to not get married yet. Though if you mean, and I think you do, that you "solely" think of marriage as the next step for.. a longer period of time and feel like you should do it because of this, then it may be best to not get married on that thought/feeling.
Just my view on this.
On October 05 2011 23:38 The Black wrote:Show nested quote +On October 05 2011 23:15 rogzardo wrote:
Probably not the best idea to get married and already be planning to cheat on her. Just saying. You understood me perfectly. Does it still count as cheating if I still love here and commit to here forever?
Uuh, yes?
Unless you discuss this with your gf/wife (if you get married) and she has no issues with you sleeping with other women (or men, your choice ^ ^), then it simply does count as cheating. No matter how much you love her or commit to her, if you do such a thing behind her back or out in the open without her approval then it's just plain cheating on her.
Seeing this post and the rest (+ the reactions of some other posters on you), I do believe you'r indeed not ready to get married and most likely she isn't the right person for you. She, seeing from your post, obviously wants to commit to you, but you on the other hand aren't sure about that (nothing wrong with that alone) and at the same time question wheter it's oke to cheat on her or not when you do commit.
Unless you want to go for a open marriage, then I do believe you'r better off not comitting to her at this point. If you do and these thoughts about going around with other women stays, then you will most likely end up hurting her when you give in to those thoughts/feelings. Which isn't something she wants to happen (of course) or you if you truly love her.
I guess it isn't so much about wheter you are ready to get married, but more or less wheter you are ready to commit in general here. Seeing this all, I do believe you'r not ready to commit seriously to a relationship, wheter in marriage or not, perhaps time will change this and you will end up marrying her and spend the rest of your life faithfully to her, who knows.
But for know I advice you to not marry her if you seriously are considering such thoughts/feelings.
Not meaning to offend you in any way btw with this, if I did my apologies, just trying to help out.
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26 years atm, been married for 2 years and a bit. My wife and I were friends for just under a year when we got together as a couple. One year later we both moved out of our parents houses (as students) and moved in together. 5 years later we got married.
Now, we never were (and still aren't) the traditional romantic types, so marriage was never something that was very high on the to-do list (more of a "yeah, we could do that at some point" thing). In fact, I can truthfully say that we got married for the money My wife works as a particle physicist (doing a PhD) in the Netherlands, and as a part of her work, she had to live and work at CERN in Geneva, Switzerland, for one year. To compensate for the additional costs and related downsides of this year abroad, a persons salary is increased during this year and a number of return trips back home are refunded. The size of the salary-increase and the number of return-trips goes up quite a bit if you're in a legal partnership or marriage.
So already sharing all financial resources and costs and having settled on the whole staying together forever business, we decided that we'd go for the extra money. Since my wife has the Dutch, Swiss and US nationalities, the standard Dutch legal partnership would probably not carry over too well to the other 2 countries. In addition, our line of work has a really high chance of us ending up working in countries other than the Netherlands and especially when you have kids, things just get simpler if you're married.
So that's our completely unromantic story... Note that we did decide on having a "proper" wedding day, with a dress, a cake and stuff (though none of it very high budget) and it was an amazing day that was totally worth it. But afterwards, nothing really changed in our lives as we already lived together and shared everything.
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Marriage is either a religious (pseudo cult) ritual to discourage infidelity, a legal agreement between two people, or a celebration of a commitment.
If you feel the need or desire to participate in any of these things feel free to do so. Otherwise marriage is outdated and irrelevant.
+ Show Spoiler +i hope i get married one day foreveralone.jpg
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On October 05 2011 23:50 wingweaver415 wrote:Show nested quote +On October 05 2011 23:38 The Black wrote:On October 05 2011 23:15 rogzardo wrote:
Probably not the best idea to get married and already be planning to cheat on her. Just saying. You understood me perfectly. Does it still count as cheating if I still love here and commit to here forever? Now I'm beginning to think your a troll....
No you don't understand me. Let me ask this question among men here, is it just me or is it natural to desire sex with beautiful women, many of them. That among the core issues I tried to bring up in the OP, other than of course the act of marriage.
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Well, I've waited a long time...I'm 35 now. And I recently got engaged to me girlfriend of three years.
I don't buy Seth Rogan's distinction between men and women. Plenty of women I have met show little interest in marriage. Plenty of men I've known imagine themselves having a family.
For me, I did not want to settle for the wrong person or for someone who was mostly right for me. Given that my parents divorced when I was in my early twenties, I decided to take the decision seriously.
I'm happy to be engaged and as soon as I finish my dissertation, I'll have the peace of mind to pursue the planning of the future.
tl;dr Don't settle. There is not rush to get married. Men have this easier as their are fewer social taboos and biological limitations on having kids later in life.
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"Don't even think about marriage until you are at least thirty..."
-- Barney Stinson
However, I never had a long (or very successful for that matter) relationship...
(I'm twenty five.)
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Lord_J
Kenya1085 Posts
I'm not married and don't plan to marry. For me, it's a matter of personal preference. While I recognize that there are many people in the world who would be happier married than otherwise, I don't think that I'm among them.
When it comes down to it, I prefer freedom and independence over stability and belonging. I'm a private person who needs a lot of personal space and a lot of time to myself. I don't want children, but I do want the freedom to pick up and move to another city, or even another country, if the right opportunity presents itself, without worrying about how it will affect someone else.
In the end, that kind of commitment is a deeply personal choice. If you're having the kind of doubts about it that you seem to be, then you should take that as a huge warning sign that marriage is not right for you--at least, not right now. That may change. It could change for me too: I am open to that possibility. However, you definitely don't want to get into the mindset of "it's time to get married" because of social pressure or expectations. If and when you decide to get married, it should be because you personally and genuinely want to do it.
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On October 06 2011 00:00 The Black wrote:Show nested quote +On October 05 2011 23:50 wingweaver415 wrote:On October 05 2011 23:38 The Black wrote:On October 05 2011 23:15 rogzardo wrote:
Probably not the best idea to get married and already be planning to cheat on her. Just saying. You understood me perfectly. Does it still count as cheating if I still love here and commit to here forever? Now I'm beginning to think your a troll.... No you don't understand me. Let me ask this question among men here, is it just me or is it natural to desire sex with beautiful women, many of them. That among the core issues I tried to bring up in the OP, other than of course the act of marriage.
You did a poor job at bringing this subject up at your OP to be honest. xD
I will reply, even though I am not a guy, because this goes beyond just being a guy. After all, wheter you'r a guy or a woman, we both have feelings and both have lust and desires. Wheter that is for a guy or a woman doesn't really matter in this case in my eyes.
Now onto what you are asking, yes and no. I can't speak for every person out there obviously, but I do believe that having thoughts/desires about having sex with beautiful women (or men for that matter) isn't unnatural, wheter you are in a relationship or not.
Though to what extent this desire goes is what matters here, you have put this rather short and simple which doesn't give anyone here much insight to what extent you really mean. After all, having the desire or thought about having sex with beautiful women/men doesn't really sound alien to anyone in these forums I do believe.
But is this desire so big that you feel like you "have" to give in to it, no matter wheter you'r in a relationship or not?
Or is this desire just something that comes up now and then when you see/hear something that reminds you of such a matter and lingers in your head for a while?
Simply put, are the desires so big that they can and will completely control your actions at a point or not?
If not then I doubt one can call such desires unnatural, but if it's something you can't ignore even though you love/commited completely to one person, then one can say it's "unnatural" I do believe. (by "society standards")
In the end though, I can't look inside other people's heads and thus can't call on what's natural or what not. And for that matter, what's natural? That's all just a opinion formed by each person for themselves, often influenced by society though, so my view on this can differ greatly compared to other posters here. ^ ^
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It looks like I'm the only one who thinks that 2 years is a long time to be with someone. I guess it's just cause of the people I know who are married. Most of them didn't know each other for more than a year.
My parents were together for maybe 2 months before they got married, and they've been together so, so happily for about 20 years. A lot of my older cousins have been married for almost 10 years after only knowing each other for about 2-3 months.
I'm not saying I think it's bad to be with someone that long, in fact I think it's awesome. Yeah there are millions of women in the world and the possibility of picking only one to be with for your entire life can be mind boggling, but in my opinion, I feel that it's a very important part of life and if you can spend 2 years with her and things are wonderful, then why not?
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Lord_J
Kenya1085 Posts
On October 06 2011 00:00 ComaDose wrote:
Marriage is either a religious (pseudo cult) ritual to discourage infidelity, a legal agreement between two people, or a celebration of a commitment.
Well, there's also much of the world--and the overwhelming weight of history--in which marriage is essentially a form of ownership of women by men.
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EPT
