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On October 05 2011 21:52 NikonTC wrote:
I'm not sure of any legal benefits to getting married, so I won't comment on those, but I'd be suprised if they were such that a couple had to get married.
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To a degree they are. Depending on where you live, you can lose your home or miss out on health insurance etc etc.
Say your gf/bf dies, your home is in her/his name. His/her parents will inherit your house and you'll have to gtfo.
Then theres health insurance. Quite the incentive in some countries. Idk, there are many scenarios you and I have not thought about. Basically when you get married, everything is owned by both and shared. Up until then nothing is, unless contracts are explicitly signed with both names.
Think 100 years back, or more, when people married for money/wealth and social standing. Marriage was rarely about love
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Hello everyone, long time lurker here, but seeing this topic made me write my first post, having a similar problem to the OP, and seeing all the good answers he has received, my faith in the TL community grew even larger. So i present to you my situation:
I have only been with 1 girl my whole life (since i was 15, i am 23 now), both of us lost our virginity to each other, and we really got along easy from the beginning, tolerated each others faults, and for the first 3 years (the years we were still both in high school, being in the same class and linked by both of us going to chemistry and biology national olympics) we were deeply in love.
Then we both went to medicine university, got accepted among the first, and after a few months moved in together. Then i started playing WoW. So 3 more years passed, i didnt like school any more, simply didnt have any interest in it anymore, and doubt infiltrated my mind, thinking maybe im not right for medicine, so i decided to quit and find my 'true' calling in another profession. After i made this decision the urge to play wow dissapeared, so i now regard it as only a simpotm of unhappiness.
So i studied to get into the psychology univesity, and i got accepted-'yipee' at being a 1st year student all over again. So everything was going fine, or so i thought. I had quit my addiction and was on the path to healing. But all those years of neglecting her had taken their toll and i didnt feel quite as attracted to her, even though i still loved her deeply, she was the only one who knows me and understands me. Oh and i forgot to mention, even since we were in highschool i have told her that i would marry her in the future, because i honestly believed that.
But what happens now, i go into a different environment, and for the first time after so many years, i go into my work place without her ( remember highschool-same class, medicine-same group). I feel a bit awkward and antisocial for a while, but i try to overcome my feelings, knowing that after years spent in a world of illusion reality would sting a bit. But one day this weird thing happens, i have to go do an assignment with some of my colleagues, and guess what, i see this girl, not from my group, and i start to feel something weird for her. Sort of what i felt for the girl im with now. She isnt much by my normal standards, she doesnt seem like 'my type' (though i have to admit she is pretty hot, though ive seen better). Its that feeling i have that turns my world upside down. I had confused that feeling with love , its what ive been told, but i ask myself, why am i feeling it again? I dont do anything, i dont ask her out because i wouldnt dare cheat on my gf, i just know it would break her. But it starts to break me. The more i try to repress it, the more it haunts me. I start not wanting to go to college for fear of seeing her.
So i tell my gf about it. You can imagine she isnt very happy. And for the last year most of my energy went into rationalizing this, mostly to no avail. This summer, after feeling i cant take it anymore, i decide to split up with my gf. It only lasted me for 2 weeks. In those 2 weeks every other thought dissipated except for my gf. I did hit on other girls but it left a shallow feeling in me, i just wanted my gf back. So i decided to man up, stop caring about picking up other girls ( u can imagine her being the only girl i ever slept with has its ups and downs, i dont get to be jealous on ex-bfs, but my grass is greener on the other side is widely amplified by not having ever tasted that grass), and commit.
But guess what after 1 month of 'honeymoon' my doubts are starting to pour in again, especially thoughts about that girl. So now i feel im in deep shit again. I dont want to hurt my gf, i love her, i really care about her, and i realize what a selfish mongrel i am but i just cant stop it.
Sorry for the wall of text, i tried to sum it up as best as i could, so if anyone has been in a similar situation or would just care to help with some advice, insight or just tell me im a pussy and flame me i would welcome it. She wants me to commit to her, but i just cant, and that other girl that i know nothing about nor care in a serious way is the only thing holding me back... how do i get rid of this feeling?
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On October 05 2011 21:55 The Black wrote:Show nested quote +On October 05 2011 21:52 NikonTC wrote:
A more interesting debate in my mind is: Why do people NEED to get married these days?
The sanctity of marriage is out the window completely, along with all religious reasons for it. So other than the chance to have a big party and a fuss made of the couple, why to they bother to get married at all? If your relationship is such that you NEED to have some form of "commitment" ceremony to bind yourselves together, then I'd question whether the relationship is strong enough for marriage in the first place.
I'm not sure of any legal benefits to getting married, so I won't comment on those, but I'd be suprised if they were such that a couple had to get married.
Myself, I don't care either way about marriage. I've never cheated on a girl in my life, and if I find a girl that I want to spend the rest of my life with, then I'm capable of doing that without a band of metal on my finger to remind me. However, the girl I'm with may want to get married, or at least have a ceremony of some sort. So I guess I'll have to stay open minded to the concept. This also. But my thought are actually more basic. I'm sorry for being too honest about this as well. You may call it cheating, but can a man actually be satisfied with just one woman (at least sexually?)
to be completely honest, after a while, you just put sex into a much lower priority than other stuffs and unless there are some super hot chicks who want a threesome with another super hot babe, then you just will learn to say no to these stuff.
Of cause, being young, you can still have your regrets and get more sex but then again, is it worth the loss is the question.
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On October 05 2011 21:34 kirdie wrote:
I think 2 or 3 years is not enough, 5 years is the best time I think.
Reason being that many relationships end after 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 years but if you are together for 5 years I think it can be assumed that it holds. But even then I have a friend that married after 5 and 1 year after that they divorced but you can never be sure...
That's bullshit. I knew my current wife for 1 year before I proposed and one year later we got married. We are now happily married for over 3 years and got a second kid on the way.
Marriage is a double-edged sword though, as it can as well screw as fix your life. I'm sure that if we wouldn't be married our relationship would fall apart some time ago. Marriage helps in the way that you're commited and can't really 'quit' for some bullshit reasons. Especially when you live together and have kids. You can't just walk away from that if something's pissing you off, you need to work to resolve any issues. The good side of that is that once you resolve those issues your relationship keeps getting better and better.
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Amnezie, you made the fatal mistake to solve personal problems within a relationship. It's usually better to 'grow' outside them, instead of burdening your partner with various personal issues. From your post it seems pretty clear you have just been following your gf around on jobs, studies whatever and so you were too dependent on her.
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On October 06 2011 19:30 Amnezie wrote:
Hello everyone, long time lurker here, but seeing this topic made me write my first post, having a similar problem to the OP, and seeing all the good answers he has received, my faith in the TL community grew even larger. So i present to you my situation:
I have only been with 1 girl my whole life (since i was 15, i am 23 now), both of us lost our virginity to each other, and we really got along easy from the beginning, tolerated each others faults, and for the first 3 years (the years we were still both in high school, being in the same class and linked by both of us going to chemistry and biology national olympics) we were deeply in love.
Then we both went to medicine university, got accepted among the first, and after a few months moved in together. Then i started playing WoW. So 3 more years passed, i didnt like school any more, simply didnt have any interest in it anymore, and doubt infiltrated my mind, thinking maybe im not right for medicine, so i decided to quit and find my 'true' calling in another profession. After i made this decision the urge to play wow dissapeared, so i now regard it as only a simpotm of unhappiness.
So i studied to get into the psychology univesity, and i got accepted-'yipee' at being a 1st year student all over again. So everything was going fine, or so i thought. I had quit my addiction and was on the path to healing. But all those years of neglecting her had taken their toll and i didnt feel quite as attracted to her, even though i still loved her deeply, she was the only one who knows me and understands me. Oh and i forgot to mention, even since we were in highschool i have told her that i would marry her in the future, because i honestly believed that.
But what happens now, i go into a different environment, and for the first time after so many years, i go into my work place without her ( remember highschool-same class, medicine-same group). I feel a bit awkward and antisocial for a while, but i try to overcome my feelings, knowing that after years spent in a world of illusion reality would sting a bit. But one day this weird thing happens, i have to go do an assignment with some of my colleagues, and guess what, i see this girl, not from my group, and i start to feel something weird for her. Sort of what i felt for the girl im with now. She isnt much by my normal standards, she doesnt seem like 'my type' (though i have to admit she is pretty hot, though ive seen better). Its that feeling i have that turns my world upside down. I had confused that feeling with love , its what ive been told, but i ask myself, why am i feeling it again? I dont do anything, i dont ask her out because i wouldnt dare cheat on my gf, i just know it would break her. But it starts to break me. The more i try to repress it, the more it haunts me. I start not wanting to go to college for fear of seeing her.
So i tell my gf about it. You can imagine she isnt very happy. And for the last year most of my energy went into rationalizing this, mostly to no avail. This summer, after feeling i cant take it anymore, i decide to split up with my gf. It only lasted me for 2 weeks. In those 2 weeks every other thought dissipated except for my gf. I did hit on other girls but it left a shallow feeling in me, i just wanted my gf back. So i decided to man up, stop caring about picking up other girls ( u can imagine her being the only girl i ever slept with has its ups and downs, i dont get to be jealous on ex-bfs, but my grass is greener on the other side is widely amplified by not having ever tasted that grass), and commit.
But guess what after 1 month of 'honeymoon' my doubts are starting to pour in again, especially thoughts about that girl. So now i feel im in deep shit again. I dont want to hurt my gf, i love her, i really care about her, and i realize what a selfish mongrel i am but i just cant stop it.
I feel you man. Maybe try to be open, You'll be ok. It's not clear to me. Are you back together now?
Sorry for the wall of text, i tried to sum it up as best as i could, so if anyone has been in a similar situation or would just care to help with some advice, insight or just tell me im a pussy and flame me i would welcome it. She wants me to commit to her, but i just cant, and that other girl that i know nothing about nor care in a serious way is the only thing holding me back... how do i get rid of this feeling?
I feel you man. Maybe go out and enjoy? By the way I don't understand. Are you back together now?
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On October 06 2011 19:30 Amnezie wrote:
so if anyone has been in a similar situation
I've been in a sort-of similar situation. Not as thoroughly involved as yours though, but we'd been together since we were 17 and after 4 years a change in my education and social environment happened. I started to heavily doubt my relationship because of this, being too anxious to tell her what was going on, the doubt went on for months until I cheated on her. I decided to tell her the very next day. Obviously she wasn't happy and we broke up for about half a year. When we got back together the same doubt came back after some months but I didn't want to give in to it. At a certain point I started talking to another girl and I knew that if I wouldn't act, things could possibly go wrong again. I didn't want to do that to her anymore, I couldn't ever get myself to cheating again after having gone through it once. I also knew the relationship was over, it was just so obvious but I didn't want to commit to the feeling since we had so much built up together.
When I did eventually get the insight, a couple of weeks later, I broke up with her basically straight away, telling myself that this had to be it, even though my feelings for her might still be strong, rationally the relationship couldn't continue. Not because of the love I still felt for her, but because we both had changed over the years, which is inevitable for young people, and both in a different direction. Rationally I decided it was over, and told myself to not see or get in touch with her for a very long time. Hard since we shared a lot of friends, but basically my strong connection with and empathy for her made me see that this was the best thing I could do to make it bearable for both of us. I didn't see or talk her for a year. After that year, we met up again, had a drink at some café and talked about the past. It was slightly awkward, she told me she had a new relationship, but for some reason the only thing I could feel was happiness for her. No regrets, no jealousy. I just really liked seeing her again as she is someone I shared a long period of my life with and can still closely relate to, but the deep emotional connection was gone, thanks to the long period of her absence.
I hope this helps you in some way. You don't have to act immediately, maybe you will come to an insight like mine after a while, maybe something needs to happen but don't wait the rest of your life.
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On October 05 2011 22:26 NikonTC wrote:
You're missing my point I think, I'm perfectly happy with "promising" myself to someone I care about, my question was why do I have to do it using a word, a band of metal, and a priest of a religion I don't even follow?
Symbolism, Tradition, Legal Benefits, etc.
Things of this nature outweigh the petty Counter-Culture anti-marriage beliefs at some point in your life. Taking your vows imo has nothing to do with the old religious connotations it was prescribed. Monogamy may have bared it's head through religion; but, the commitment in modern society has taken on a new life. I have no problem going through a ceremony pledging my life to my life to someone I will spend the rest of my life with.
My girlfriend and I have spent the past 2 years living with each other; currently, I'm memorializing my life through a series of letters to give to her, with the conclusion being my proposal. The only thing I can advise the o.g. poster is if you have found your greatest confidant, friend, and the person who makes you strive to better yourself; then you have found the "one".
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Some parenting advice from a heavy thinking child:
Judging by my parents (who are now divorced), and a lot of my friends' parents that I've gotten close to: learn how to communicate properly. Learn some debate skills, critical thinking, and logic. This are imperative to having rational discussions about differences (and differences are built in to the way humans function).
This is why my parents got a divorce: My mom only understands Catholic/blind faith logic, and my dad will never believe he is wrong. This leads to ridiculous arguments where absolutely nothing is even capable of getting accomplished. It's stupid to watch and it's horrible to be around. Please don't argue without logic.
Everytime you enter a conversation, you have to be prepared to find out that everything you've ever known to be true, was absolutely wrong. This is the only way to have a truly productive conversation about differences (in my opinion).
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Married here, for half a year now.
Me and my wife were neither pro or con on this subject, but when you decide to have children it's so much easier to take care of the 'legal stuff' when you're married.
We have legally seperate bank accounts though (prenuptial agreement) because I have my own company and in the rare case should we get separated, then I won't lose my company. 
In fact, everthing will go back to as it was before the marriage.
bottom line: Should you get married, get a prenuptial...
It's little effort, and it has nothing to do with not trusting the other completely.
It just prevents fights over money in case the marriage doesn't work out.
Better to discus these things while you're still talking to eachother right?
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I'm 25 and I have been married for two years already. It's best decision I ever made. So many people seem to think of marriage as some sort of limiting or restricting concept, when in my opinion it's great. My wife and I travel all over the world, we work hard and we share the same goals and dreams. It's awesome to have a constant friend at your side who can always be there to back you up... I wouldn't give that up for anything... If you get married, marry the right person and for the right reasons...
Obviously not everybody here will share my point of view...
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So maybe I can add a few things to this discussion. I'm a woman, was married for 7 years before we got divorced, and I have a degree in anthropology where I studied some of this stuff.
First off, if you don't think you can deny the impulses, you shouldn't be in a serious, committed relationship, let alone a marriage. And no matter how much she pressures you, you're only going to both be miserable if you are thinking the way you're stating.
Second, marriage is the not the best way to raise children, as someone stated. A stable, committed relationship is. Has nothing to do with with a ceremony.
Third, breaking up after several years of living with a girlfriend/boyfriend is just as emotionally charged and horrendous as a divorce. The only difference is the legal part. Especially if you had kids. So people who say not to get married because it's easier to break apart, that's bullsh*t. You still have to divide things up, and common law marriage laws can be used to still get half of everything.
Fourth, you're somewhat right about the urges. From the research I've done and the stuff I've read, men are predisposed towards wanting to spread their seed. It's survival of their genetics, and their made for that. But the best outcome for the infant has always been a committed relationship, and so there are primal urges in place for sticking around when a child is born. But there's things out there that show it fades as the child gets to be more independent. The 7 year itch has genetic basis. That's long enough to raise a healthy child. There are a lot of less advanced cultures that are based on this. In one culture, the child is what the marriage ceremony is, and they're considered married for 5 years. Or at least, the woman is. She can't have sex with anyone else. The man actually goes through fake labor when the child is being born to prove that the child is his and that's his claim to the woman and the child. And the 5 years is what gives the child the best chance at growing to survival.
Anyway, our culture is different. Obviously. And long term relationships are what the norm is. Doesn't mean there still isn't urges. It means you don't act on them. Whether you get married or not, you have to make a decision and a commitment. I'm not religious, and feel, for the most part, that marriage is just a ceremony of a commitment that should already be there, so I don't need another marriage. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has lived with 2 other women before, and he wants to prove this is different. So he wants the ceremony. And I'm fine with that. But even now, when we're not married, neither of us act on the urges we might feel. Because that's what commitment is.
Alright, soapbox done..
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A lot of people here have mentioned that if you are haveing those feelings of being trapped by the idea, or feeling limited by being shackled to one woman for the rest of your life, then you probably shouldn't get married and I have to agree. Some people just aren't ready for a committed relationship at an early stage of their lives - I read through some of the people who had relationships lasting a number of years and then feeling different about their partner. I noticed many of them were young when they got together - maybe too young to think about settling down with each other?
I was in a deep committed relationship where the woman was pressuring me into proposing. She had a schedule for her life and wanted me to do my part, which was proposing as we left uni together. My problem wasn't so much that I was questioning settling down, I just couldn't see myself fitting into her plan of married life. Ever see Desperate Housewives? Yeah, she was Bree.
You shouldn't get married because you feel you should, or because it seems like now is the time to do it. You devote yourself to another person because you cannot see your life without them in it, because you want to declare that you are a pair to the world. Throw out the religious aspects of marriage too - you don't get married to please your family or theirs. You get married to deepen your relationship with your partner. Marriage isn't for everyone - some people like their relationship to be less defined, or like to have that feeling of freedom for themselves. Others have been burned by marriage in the past and don't see a point in being married again. Each to their own.
Personally, I have been adamant I would get married and try my best to make it stick from an early age. My parents and my close family have been through several marriages and I always hated that to many people marriage is just a case of 'well, that one didn't work out. Oh well, I'll get a divorce and try again'. Divorce is supposed to be when all else fails, not a failsafe for when people rush into marriage and need an escape hatch. I got married less than a month ago now to a wonderful woman I have been with for four years, and I intend it to damn well stick. I realise that we haven't been through everything, but we've faced a lot and I feel confident we'll be able to fight through whatever we come across. But I feel that way because I'm confident we understand each other and keep talking. From seeing my family when they've split up it's when you grow apart and stop talking that the real trouble begins.
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Married man reporting in
Marriage is like not being married, except you can make references to being married with one another. We've been a couple already for .. 5 years or so before getting married, and our two daughters were bride maids, which should give you a clue as to how the marriage got together.
For me, marriage is not a necessity, for a long lasting relationship. I see it as a symbol of commitment. There's also the law side of it, which I don't see any risk in, but some people want to factor that in with their decision. My wife was eager to get married before I put my thought into it, as she values the symbolism and expressed commitment (I assume) of it highly.
I did not get married in a church or in front of a priest otherwise. I have witnessed a wedding in that style, and being atheist/absurdist, combined with sticking to my morals, I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face in church. My wife wanted that, but backed down on that wish.
How to propose: Do it your own way X). You hear stories of some really complicated routines, or super special places and so. I am not the person to organize such a thing. I proposed whilst sitting on the ground with my wife, cuddling. Beforehand I wished for some .. awe inspiring setting as well, but it's not really the thing that counts.
Good luck whatever you decide
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On October 06 2011 23:11 Dude. wrote:
Some parenting advice from a heavy thinking child:
Judging by my parents (who are now divorced), and a lot of my friends' parents that I've gotten close to: learn how to communicate properly. Learn some debate skills, critical thinking, and logic. This are imperative to having rational discussions about differences (and differences are built in to the way humans function).
Debate skills are nice, but humility > any amount of logical reasoning skills IMO.
It doesn't really matter how well-reasoned your arguments are if you can't realize that your values aren't the ones worth believing in.
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I've been with a girl for almost 3 years and I'm planning on asking within the next year. Good luck man!
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I was thinking about this thread last night and I remember that sometimes I have to just bare the small things you don't like about your significant other. For example, I'm laying down and my GF would sometimes bug the shit out of me with these small pranks, but I just relax and wait till it ends. No one is perfect. I do things that annoy her sometimes and vice-versa. I just try to focus on the positive things and cope with the small negative things. It's not worth cutting a relationship over small things.
I have to see my my fiancee's dad before marriage, but I've seen here mom couple times in person. I really don't know how Korean dads react to their daughter getting married, but I know it will be pretty awkward. I heard a story from someone where the dad was trying to hit the guy for coming to his home asking to marry his daughter. I just got to win over her dad and I'm cool because her mom is perfectly cool with it. I've seen her mom couple times and she already treats me like her son-in-law.
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heh, feels familiar.
I've been together with my GF for 10 years now, time flies. (32 yrs. old myself)
Living together for 7 years.
I've only proposed to her last June, we will get married next June 2012.
The reason i hadn't asked her before was children.
I've always known i would want children some day and she didnt.
Only the last two years she has come around , probably due to the fact many of our friends started having them too and thus experiencing first or second hand how it actually is.
We had a lot of open talks about this issue in the past where i admiited to her i would never ask her to marry me if she didnt want children.
Wasnt meant as a means of emotional blackmail , but i did want them , so commiting my life to someone who didnt , didnt seem honest to myself.
Luckily for me she has turned 180 degrees about the subject.
Asking her father for her hand was one the funniest things i ever did , was so nervous and akward.
The marriage itself , i dont expect it will change what we have now , just that we both wanted too.
10 years seems like a really long time to take before you ask , but it didnt feel as " the time " before , can't explain it better than that.
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Marriage is no biggy really. Divorce is always right around the corner if you need it.
Having children is THE thing imo. You don't want to screw up on this one, but marriage bah. Worse thing will be divorce + another marriage/party/honeymoon.
GO FOR IT
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/WaFL8.jpg)
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On October 06 2011 19:30 Amnezie wrote:Hello everyone, long time lurker here, but seeing this topic made me write my first post, having a similar problem to the OP, and seeing all the good answers he has received, my faith in the TL community grew even larger. So i present to you my situation: + Show Spoiler +I have only been with 1 girl my whole life (since i was 15, i am 23 now), both of us lost our virginity to each other, and we really got along easy from the beginning, tolerated each others faults, and for the first 3 years (the years we were still both in high school, being in the same class and linked by both of us going to chemistry and biology national olympics) we were deeply in love.
Then we both went to medicine university, got accepted among the first, and after a few months moved in together. Then i started playing WoW. So 3 more years passed, i didnt like school any more, simply didnt have any interest in it anymore, and doubt infiltrated my mind, thinking maybe im not right for medicine, so i decided to quit and find my 'true' calling in another profession. After i made this decision the urge to play wow dissapeared, so i now regard it as only a simpotm of unhappiness.
So i studied to get into the psychology univesity, and i got accepted-'yipee' at being a 1st year student all over again. So everything was going fine, or so i thought. I had quit my addiction and was on the path to healing. But all those years of neglecting her had taken their toll and i didnt feel quite as attracted to her, even though i still loved her deeply, she was the only one who knows me and understands me. Oh and i forgot to mention, even since we were in highschool i have told her that i would marry her in the future, because i honestly believed that.
But what happens now, i go into a different environment, and for the first time after so many years, i go into my work place without her ( remember highschool-same class, medicine-same group). I feel a bit awkward and antisocial for a while, but i try to overcome my feelings, knowing that after years spent in a world of illusion reality would sting a bit. But one day this weird thing happens, i have to go do an assignment with some of my colleagues, and guess what, i see this girl, not from my group, and i start to feel something weird for her. Sort of what i felt for the girl im with now. She isnt much by my normal standards, she doesnt seem like 'my type' (though i have to admit she is pretty hot, though ive seen better). Its that feeling i have that turns my world upside down. I had confused that feeling with love , its what ive been told, but i ask myself, why am i feeling it again? I dont do anything, i dont ask her out because i wouldnt dare cheat on my gf, i just know it would break her. But it starts to break me. The more i try to repress it, the more it haunts me. I start not wanting to go to college for fear of seeing her.
So i tell my gf about it. You can imagine she isnt very happy. And for the last year most of my energy went into rationalizing this, mostly to no avail. This summer, after feeling i cant take it anymore, i decide to split up with my gf. It only lasted me for 2 weeks. In those 2 weeks every other thought dissipated except for my gf. I did hit on other girls but it left a shallow feeling in me, i just wanted my gf back. So i decided to man up, stop caring about picking up other girls ( u can imagine her being the only girl i ever slept with has its ups and downs, i dont get to be jealous on ex-bfs, but my grass is greener on the other side is widely amplified by not having ever tasted that grass), and commit.
But guess what after 1 month of 'honeymoon' my doubts are starting to pour in again, especially thoughts about that girl. So now i feel im in deep shit again. I dont want to hurt my gf, i love her, i really care about her, and i realize what a selfish mongrel i am but i just cant stop it.
Sorry for the wall of text, i tried to sum it up as best as i could, so if anyone has been in a similar situation or would just care to help with some advice, insight or just tell me im a pussy and flame me i would welcome it. She wants me to commit to her, but i just cant, and that other girl that i know nothing about nor care in a serious way is the only thing holding me back... how do i get rid of this feeling?
I am gonna call you a pussy yes, you should decide whether u really want to be with her or not, I am not saying this for your sake but for hers. Because the one who is the real victim here is her because you are not able to choose. I would also like to add that if you are not certain then you should NOT do it, it will most likely just come back and bite you later, you should be 100% about something like this.
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EPT
