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Start every morning with a nice funny joke or story. I'll start:
"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."
"A policeman had a perfect hiding place to screen speeding drivers. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer investigated : a 9 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said "SPEED CAMERA AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's partner in crime, another boy about 200 meters beyond the speed camera with a sign reading "TIPS" & a bucket at his feet full of coins. "
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"I cannot commit suicide to save my life."
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"Friendship is like wetting your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth"
+ Show Spoiler +not really a joke, but made me chuckle
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I was watching roffles stream, and...
Do you like fishsticks?
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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Nice looking dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
New Zealander: (look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
New Zealander: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "That sheep's a bloody liar!”
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Hahahahaha oh my god, the ventriloquist one.......>_<
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United States42596 Posts
On April 15 2010 16:02 sqwert wrote:
"A policeman had a perfect hiding place to screen speeding drivers. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer investigated : a 9 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said "SPEED CAMERA AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's partner in crime, another boy about 200 meters beyond the speed camera with a sign reading "TIPS" & a bucket at his feet full of coins. "
In Britain all speeding cameras are in the open, painted bright yellow and are clearly signposted. The idea is to stop people speeding rather than catch them and make money.
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wait i don't get the ventriloquist joke
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On April 15 2010 21:59 Nal_rAwr wrote:
wait i don't get the ventriloquist joke
+ Show Spoiler +
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Spenguin
Australia3316 Posts
+ Show Spoiler +On April 15 2010 21:48 jello_biafra wrote:
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Nice looking dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
New Zealander: (look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
New Zealander: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "That sheep's a bloody liar!”
Hahahahaha never heard that one before
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Here's one joke that i just read recently
+ Show Spoiler +A mathematician, an engineer and a chemist are at a conference. They are staying in adjoining rooms. One evening they are downstairs in the bar. The mathematician goes to bed first. The chemist goes next, followed a minute or two later by the engineer. The chemist notices that in the corridor outside their rooms a rubbish bin is ablaze. There is a bucket of water nearby. The chemist starts concocting a means of generating carbon dioxide in order to create a makeshift extinguisher but before he can do so the engineer arrives, dumps the water on the fire and puts it out. The next morning the chemist and engineer tell the mathematician about the fire. She admits she saw it. They ask her why she didn't put it out. She replies contemptuously "there was a fire and a bucket of water: a solution obviously existed."
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On April 15 2010 22:10 chongu wrote:Here's one joke that i just read recently + Show Spoiler +A mathematician, an engineer and a chemist are at a conference. They are staying in adjoining rooms. One evening they are downstairs in the bar. The mathematician goes to bed first. The chemist goes next, followed a minute or two later by the engineer. The chemist notices that in the corridor outside their rooms a rubbish bin is ablaze. There is a bucket of water nearby. The chemist starts concocting a means of generating carbon dioxide in order to create a makeshift extinguisher but before he can do so the engineer arrives, dumps the water on the fire and puts it out. The next morning the chemist and engineer tell the mathematician about the fire. She admits she saw it. They ask her why she didn't put it out. She replies contemptuously "there was a fire and a bucket of water: a solution obviously existed."
LOL, well played.
Here's one shamelessly taken from another forum I frequent:
Nicolas Sarkozy, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring War on you!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you Paddy that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back...'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the War is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs, amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.' Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
'We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 Bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners.
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FROM REDDIT.COM:
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
LOL
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An American, an Australian and a Russian are sitting in a bar.
The American pulls out his revolver, shoots the cap off his beer, takes a large gulp and says "my name's Bill, Cowboy Bill!"
The Australian pulls out his boomerang and throws it, it flies right round the room and comes back and opens his beer, he takes a large gulp and says "my name's Bill, Crocodile Bill!"
The Russian thinks to himself "hmm I can't do such tricks...I know!" and he whips out his dick, showing that he has 3 of them and says "my name's Bill, Cherno Bill!"
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On April 15 2010 21:48 jello_biafra wrote:
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Nice looking dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
New Zealander: (look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
New Zealander: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "That sheep's a bloody liar!”
I Like this one! I usually hate long jokes but this made me lol.
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What time do you usually go to the dentist?
2:30
two thirty
(tooth hurt-y)
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from misc books, websites, and comedians
You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil? Nevermind, it's pointless.
Yo momma so old, she older than yo grandma!
"Don't trust volleyball players with your drinks."
"They might spike 'em."
Yo mama's so stupid, when she went for a blood test she studied for it.
Yo mama's so short, she tried to commit suicide off a curb.
I'm a heroin addict, i have to have sex with women who save lives
i wish my lawn was emo that way id cut itself
bear walks into a bar. bartender says what'll u have? bear says .................. i dont know. ...bartender says y the long paws. bear says iono had them all my life
What is a woman who is staring at a blank piece of paper doing? Reading her rights.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a Nobel Prize for being outstanding in his field?
My New Years resolution is 1024X768
A bar walks into a man. Opps, wrong frame of reference.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too
I'm against picketing, but I've got no way to show it.
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
I love my FedEx guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it.
I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.
I used to do drugs in the 80s. Now, I don't care what the temperature is
I don't smoke weed anymore.... or any less
I don't have a drug problem, I have a police problem.
Dogs are forever in the push-up position
I once had a talking bird, but it didn't say 'Feed me', so it died
I can't tell you the name of the hotel I'm staying in, but it involves two trees
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffe
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic man who sold his soul to Santa?
I used to think the brain was the most important organ in the human body, but then I thought 'Hey! Look what's telling me that!
Liquor in the front, poker in the rear
Two peanuts were walking down the street and one was a salted.
I'm a level 5 vegan, I don't eat anything that casts a shadow.
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
I went to the movies, the sign said Adults $5 children $2.50. I said "give me two boys and girl."
Someone once asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, "No. But I might want a regular banana later so, yeah."
The hardest part about rollerblading is telling your parents that you're gay.
Bruce Lee's favourite drink? WAH-TAH!!!
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.Sorry for the convenience
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?Fo Drizzle
Two muffins are in an oven. One of 'em says, "Wow, it's really hot in here." The other one says "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
this shirt is dry clean only, which means its dirty.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
When I was five my grandfather came up to me and said, "When I was your age, I was six," and then he cackled madly and threw a spoon against the window. He was a strange man.
I read the dictionary yesterday...turns out the zebra did it
My dad always told me 'If worse comes to worse, we're screwed.'
Wind-chimes are for stupid people so they know if there's a breeze
I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not so sure.
I farted in an elevator yesterday... it was wrong on so many levels.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
"I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights."
"I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer."
"What do gardeners do when they retire?"
"Whatever it is, I'm against it."
Menstruation jokes are the worst jokes ever. Period.
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
"You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back."
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
My friends in Germany were complaining that they couldn't find a good bagel anywhere. And I said "well whose fault is that?"
"I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo -- in morse code."
"Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize’, except at a funeral."
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters."
"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be"
"I'm a poet and didn't know this fact."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear."
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
I'm happier than Richard Simmons with a wheelbarrow full of buttholes.
If you tilt your head back and pretend you're shaking a salt shaker into your mouth, you will actually taste salt.
I may have Alzheimer's, but at least i don't have Alzheimer's.
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lol more people need to read ragnasaur's list. some are pretty funny
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A teacher tells three of her students to make up a sentence with the words liver and cheese.
The white kid says: My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich and it was sooooo good.
The black kid says: My papa told my mama to go to the market to buy some cheese but she
didn't so he punched her in the liver.
Then the Mexican kid says: Some cabrones were trying to look under my sister's dress and I said ey putos liver alone cheese my sister.
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EPT
