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Joke Thread 2010 - Page 3

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meegrean
Profile Joined May 2008
Thailand7699 Posts
April 26 2010 17:04 GMT
#41
A cannibal dumped his girlfriend.

+ Show Spoiler +
First heard this joke on TL. Can't forget it.
Brood War loyalist
fulmetljaket
Profile Blog Joined December 2008
482 Posts
April 26 2010 17:07 GMT
#42
heh, yea thats always a good laugh
"Hunter Seeker Missile Is Gay, Just Like You." - Anon @ US
kerpal
Profile Blog Joined June 2009
United Kingdom2695 Posts
April 26 2010 17:16 GMT
#43
slightly long:
+ Show Spoiler +

a man walking along came across a little boy out in the road, jumping up and down on a man-hole with an expression of unsurpassed ecstacy on his face. he was laughing and shouting,
"ninety-nine, ninety-nine, ninety-nine, ninety-nine, ninety-nine...." all the while jumping as high as he could and laughing.

the man watched for a while, confused until finally curiosity forced him to go over and ask the boy what he was doing.

"i'm jumping up and down (ninety-nine, ninety-nine, ninety-nine,) on this (ninety-nine, ninety-nine, ninety-nine,) manhole cover," the boy gasped between giggles, careful to say "ninety-nine" after each jump..

the man was confused still, but entralled. the kid was having so much fun..

"can i try?"
"no." (ninety-nine, ninety-nine, ninety-nine...)
"please" (ninety-nine, ninety-nine, ninety-nine...)
"no."(ninety-nine, ninety-nine, ninety-nine...)
"i'll give you 10 bucks"
(ninety-nine, ninety-nine, ninety-nine....)
"ok then."

the man forked up, eager to see what the fuss was about.. feeling self-conscious and a little childish, he started jumping. "ninety-nine," he said, getting faster and lounder each time, "ninety-nine, ninety-nine, ninety-nine, ninety-nine..."
suddenly a wave of carefree happiness came over him. this was what his life was missing! he was so worried about material things and pressures of his life that he had lost touch with the simple joys of being a child. he had...

the boy grabbed the manhole cover suddenly and pulled it away from under the man. the man fell into the sewer beneath as the boy slammed the cover back on.
looking around to make sure no one was watching the boy stood on the manhole cover for a moment, grinning. then started jumping,

"one HUNDRED! one HUNDRED! one HUNDRED! one HUNDRED! one HUNDRED!"
Crais
Profile Blog Joined March 2010
Canada2136 Posts
April 26 2010 17:47 GMT
#44
Bob and Lynda

Bob and Lynda were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and
explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". Bob turned to Lynda and
said, " that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that
will make me happy and sad at the same time.


Lynda said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
RIP MBC Game Hero
Not_A_Notion
Profile Joined May 2009
Ireland441 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-04-26 18:05:59
April 26 2010 18:04 GMT
#45
Did you hear about the mathematician with constipation?
+ Show Spoiler +
He worked it out with a pencil.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
+ Show Spoiler +
It went down the road and turned into a field.


A worrying lack of anvils
ProdT
Profile Joined January 2009
United States170 Posts
April 26 2010 18:19 GMT
#46
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink, he tries to pay the bartender but the bartender says "For you, no charge.".

Shotcoder
Profile Blog Joined July 2009
United States2316 Posts
April 26 2010 18:37 GMT
#47
A Seal walked into a club.
Shotcoder - C+ BW Terran, Gold LoL(ADC Main)
Gnaix
Profile Joined February 2009
United States438 Posts
April 26 2010 18:39 GMT
#48
On April 15 2010 19:55 gaizka wrote:
I was watching roffles stream, and...
Do you like fishsticks?

love 'em.
one thing that sc2 has over bw is the fact that I can actually manage my hotkeys
Gnaix
Profile Joined February 2009
United States438 Posts
April 26 2010 18:43 GMT
#49
On April 15 2010 21:56 KwarK wrote:
Show nested quote +
On April 15 2010 16:02 sqwert wrote:
"A policeman had a perfect hiding place to screen speeding drivers. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer investigated : a 9 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said "SPEED CAMERA AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's partner in crime, another boy about 200 meters beyond the speed camera with a sign reading "TIPS" & a bucket at his feet full of coins. "

In Britain all speeding cameras are in the open, painted bright yellow and are clearly signposted. The idea is to stop people speeding rather than catch them and make money.

why do you guys drive on the left side of the road?
one thing that sc2 has over bw is the fact that I can actually manage my hotkeys
Sephy90
Profile Blog Joined January 2010
United States1785 Posts
April 26 2010 18:45 GMT
#50
On April 27 2010 01:06 hyst.eric.al wrote:
women's rights+ Show Spoiler +
PLEASE DONT BAN ME, IT HAD TO BE SAID

this is the best joke LOL god it's so funny when you tell people and they expect something long
"So I turned the lights off at night and practiced by myself"
Pliers
Profile Joined October 2008
Canada42 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-04-26 18:49:05
April 26 2010 18:48 GMT
#51
The spoilers are there for a reason

How did the redneck dad know that his daughter was on her period?
+ Show Spoiler +
His son's dick tasted like blood


What's the hardest thing about going to the funeral of a rape victim?
+ Show Spoiler +
My erupting erection


What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
+ Show Spoiler +
Don't make me tell you a third time


What's the worst part about being a black jew?
+ Show Spoiler +
You gotta sit in the back of the oven
Gnaix
Profile Joined February 2009
United States438 Posts
April 26 2010 18:50 GMT
#52
On April 15 2010 23:48 new_construct wrote:
FROM REDDIT.COM:

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

LOL

Yet somehow you guys needed us to win WWI and WWII.
one thing that sc2 has over bw is the fact that I can actually manage my hotkeys
MindRush
Profile Joined April 2010
Romania916 Posts
April 26 2010 18:53 GMT
#53
a woman asked her husband if he liked her.
husband : you should rub a piece of toilet paper between your breasts twice a day and they will grow !
wife : will they grow then ?
husband : well, it worked with your ass, didn't it !
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." - Albert Einstein
omfghi2u2
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States831 Posts
April 26 2010 18:54 GMT
#54
A Wisconsin State Trooper is driving when he pulls over a woman. As the trooper pulls out his ticket book, the woman says, "So I suppose you are going to write me a ticket to the Wisconsin State Trooper's Ball?"

The trooper quickly replies, "Wisconsin State Troopers dont have balls."

The trooper stops, puts his ticket book away, then drives off.
MindRush
Profile Joined April 2010
Romania916 Posts
April 26 2010 18:59 GMT
#55
don't ban me for this one
+ Show Spoiler +

Q : What is the difference between a jew and Santa ?
A : Santa goes down the chimney
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." - Albert Einstein
jello_biafra
Profile Blog Joined September 2004
United Kingdom6641 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-04-26 19:06:51
April 26 2010 19:01 GMT
#56
+ Show Spoiler +
On April 27 2010 03:50 Gnaix wrote:
Show nested quote +
On April 15 2010 23:48 new_construct wrote:
FROM REDDIT.COM:

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

LOL

Yet somehow you guys needed us to win WWI and WWII.

First of all, "you guys" and "us" ?
No one here had anything to do with it.

Secondly the US was not needed in WW1 they just sped up the victory and if they hadn't got involved in WW2 when they did they would have had to eventually, AND the Soviet Union did most of the fighting.


An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.

He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"
The road to hell is paved with good intentions | aka Probert[PaiN] @ iccup / godlikeparagon @ twitch | my BW stream: http://www.teamliquid.net/video/streams/jello_biafra
Nal_rAwr
Profile Blog Joined July 2009
United States2611 Posts
April 26 2010 19:02 GMT
#57
On April 27 2010 03:39 Gnaix wrote:
Show nested quote +
On April 15 2010 19:55 gaizka wrote:
I was watching roffles stream, and...
Do you like fishsticks?

love 'em.

are you a gay fish?
Nony is Bonjwa
]343[
Profile Blog Joined May 2008
United States10328 Posts
April 26 2010 19:06 GMT
#58
On April 27 2010 00:32 fulmetljaket wrote:
EDIT - This one is SFW:


+ Show Spoiler +
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

+ Show Spoiler +
Then he died.



this makes me so angry
Writer
Kezzer
Profile Blog Joined December 2008
United States1268 Posts
April 26 2010 19:15 GMT
#59
On April 27 2010 03:48 Pliers wrote:
How did the redneck dad know that his daughter was on her period?
+ Show Spoiler +
His son's dick tasted like blood


God that is so sick lol
Random()
Profile Blog Joined August 2004
Kyrgyz Republic1462 Posts
April 26 2010 19:20 GMT
#60
A guy is buying some condoms.
Cashier: Would you like a bag?
The guy: No thanks, she is good looking.
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