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Joke Thread 2010 - Page 2

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zoOv
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
Australia269 Posts
April 16 2010 15:11 GMT
#21
One day three adventurers were trekking through a forest when they were surrounded and captured by a tribe of cannibals. They were taken to a camp where the chieftain came to speak to them.

"You should consider yourself lucky for we are not going to eat you right away. Instead, if you pass a trial we will let you go. The trial is that each of you have to go out into the woods accompanied by guards and you have to retrieve 10 of the same kind of fruit and bring it back."

So the three bewildered adventurers split up and each took different routes to find fruit. After a while, the first adventurer came back with ten apples and happily showed them to the chieftain.

Grinning, the chieftain said, "There's a catch, you have to shove all ten of the apples up your bum without making a sound. If you scream or yell we will kill you and eat you."

So the shocked adventurer began to push an apple up his bum and when he reached the third apple he yelled in pain and was slaughtered. The second adventurer came back and saw what happened. He thought he was lucky that he had brought back small berries. Now it was his turn, and he popped them in one by one without much trouble but when he was pushing in the eighth berry he suddenly laughed hysterically and as a result was killed by the cannibals.

When the second adventurer was floating up to heaven, he met the first confused adventurer who asked him, "You were so close to finishing.. why did you laugh?!?!"

The second adventurer replied, "I couldn't help it man, I saw the other guy coming back with pineapples."
Terror Australis :: [TA] :: Hard work beats talent when talent fails to work hard
Zoltan
Profile Blog Joined March 2010
United States656 Posts
April 16 2010 15:25 GMT
#22
On April 16 2010 01:41 TurbulentTurtle wrote:
What time do you usually go to the dentist?
2:30




two thirty
(tooth hurt-y)

Boo!

A blonde walks into an electronics store: "Can i buy that TV?" She says to the clerk:
Clerk: Sorry, I dont sell things to dumb blonds.
Blonde: How rude! My money is just as good as anyones!
Clerk: Fine, you can have it. Its 150 Dollars. No refunds.
The Blonde takes it and comes back in a few hours.
Blonde: This TV is broken! It only has one channel that shows yellow light and always makes this hummin noise!
Clerk: No refunds. Its a microwave.
'HOW LONG HAVE THOSE REAPERS BEEN KILLING MY PROBES?!?!
Cloud
Profile Blog Joined November 2004
Sexico5880 Posts
April 16 2010 15:29 GMT
#23
On April 17 2010 00:03 Chupacabra(UCSD) wrote:
A teacher tells three of her students to make up a sentence with the words liver and cheese.

The white kid says: My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich and it was sooooo good.
The black kid says: My papa told my mama to go to the market to buy some cheese but she
didn't so he punched her in the liver.
Then the Mexican kid says: Some cabrones were trying to look under my sister's dress and I said ey putos liver alone cheese my sister.

hahahah
BlueLaguna on West, msg for game.
yeeuniie
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
United States42 Posts
April 16 2010 23:56 GMT
#24
--- Nuked ---
yeeuniie
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
United States42 Posts
April 16 2010 23:59 GMT
#25
--- Nuked ---
jello_biafra
Profile Blog Joined September 2004
United Kingdom6638 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-04-26 13:47:26
April 26 2010 13:46 GMT
#26
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Well mate, in NZ we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass twice either," he says.

Seeing this, the Australian downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Australia mate, we have so many fucken South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
The road to hell is paved with good intentions | aka Probert[PaiN] @ iccup / godlikeparagon @ twitch | my BW stream: http://www.teamliquid.net/video/streams/jello_biafra
sc4k
Profile Blog Joined January 2010
United Kingdom5454 Posts
April 26 2010 13:57 GMT
#27
Omg huge facepalm at 99% of jokes that are more than one paragraph, so much time wasted reading for the tiny payoff at the end. Joke above me classic example, so obvious what the outcome would be after the second paragraph, so much reading for so little enjoyment. Ragnasaur better but still meh. Bah humbug.
BroOd
Profile Blog Joined April 2003
Austin10831 Posts
April 26 2010 15:25 GMT
#28
On April 26 2010 22:57 sc4k wrote:
Omg huge facepalm at 99% of jokes that are more than one paragraph, so much time wasted reading for the tiny payoff at the end. Joke above me classic example, so obvious what the outcome would be after the second paragraph, so much reading for so little enjoyment. Ragnasaur better but still meh. Bah humbug.

Don't be such a grinch. If you don't like x or y joke, post one you do like.
ModeratorSIRL and JLIG.
fulmetljaket
Profile Blog Joined December 2008
482 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-04-26 15:40:38
April 26 2010 15:32 GMT
#29
EDIT - NSFW:

+ Show Spoiler +
What did the black man get on his SAT? + Show Spoiler +
[BBQ sauce]


+ Show Spoiler +
Whats the difference between jam and marmalade? + Show Spoiler +
[You can't marmalade your cock down a girls throat.]


+ Show Spoiler +
That do 9 out of 10 people enjoy, but not the 10th? + Show Spoiler +
[Gang rape]


+ Show Spoiler +
Whats black and white and comes in little cans? + Show Spoiler +
[Michael Jackson]


+ Show Spoiler +
Whats the differencce between sand and period blood?+ Show Spoiler +
[I cant gargle sand]


+ Show Spoiler +
Whats the only thing worse than crawling out of a pile of dead babies? + Show Spoiler +
[Hiding your erection]


EDIT - This one is SFW:


+ Show Spoiler +
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

+ Show Spoiler +
Then he died.
"Hunter Seeker Missile Is Gay, Just Like You." - Anon @ US
SnowFantasy
Profile Blog Joined September 2006
4173 Posts
April 26 2010 15:34 GMT
#30
On April 26 2010 22:57 sc4k wrote:
Omg huge facepalm at 99% of jokes that are more than one paragraph, so much time wasted reading for the tiny payoff at the end. Joke above me classic example, so obvious what the outcome would be after the second paragraph, so much reading for so little enjoyment. Ragnasaur better but still meh. Bah humbug.


http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=89809&currentpage=29#565
QueueQueue
Profile Joined July 2009
Canada1000 Posts
April 26 2010 15:52 GMT
#31
On April 16 2010 01:41 TurbulentTurtle wrote:
What time do you usually go to the dentist?
2:30

two thirty
(tooth hurt-y)



*facepalm*
Kezzer
Profile Blog Joined December 2008
United States1268 Posts
April 26 2010 15:55 GMT
#32
On April 15 2010 16:02 sqwert wrote:
Start every morning with a nice funny joke or story. I'll start:

"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."

"A policeman had a perfect hiding place to screen speeding drivers. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer investigated : a 9 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said "SPEED CAMERA AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's partner in crime, another boy about 200 meters beyond the speed camera with a sign reading "TIPS" & a bucket at his feet full of coins. "




Am I missing something or are these jokes really lame?
Piy
Profile Blog Joined January 2008
Scotland3152 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-04-26 16:00:48
April 26 2010 16:00 GMT
#33
Venison is dear, isn't it.

If you can post a shorter one, I respect you.
My. Copy. Is. Here.
Stropheum
Profile Joined January 2010
United States1124 Posts
April 26 2010 16:01 GMT
#34
On April 15 2010 22:10 chongu wrote:
Here's one joke that i just read recently
+ Show Spoiler +
A mathematician, an engineer and a chemist are at a conference. They are staying in adjoining rooms. One evening they are downstairs in the bar. The mathematician goes to bed first. The chemist goes next, followed a minute or two later by the engineer. The chemist notices that in the corridor outside their rooms a rubbish bin is ablaze. There is a bucket of water nearby. The chemist starts concocting a means of generating carbon dioxide in order to create a makeshift extinguisher but before he can do so the engineer arrives, dumps the water on the fire and puts it out. The next morning the chemist and engineer tell the mathematician about the fire. She admits she saw it. They ask her why she didn't put it out. She replies contemptuously "there was a fire and a bucket of water: a solution obviously existed."

Lol
hyst.eric.al
Profile Blog Joined June 2009
United States2332 Posts
April 26 2010 16:06 GMT
#35
women's rights+ Show Spoiler +
PLEASE DONT BAN ME, IT HAD TO BE SAID
Leta , BeSt, Calm fan forever! 김정우, I am sorry I ever lost faith in you.
Stropheum
Profile Joined January 2010
United States1124 Posts
April 26 2010 16:07 GMT
#36
Three men are in the middle of nowhere on a seemingly deserted island

While in the woods, a bunch of natives jump out and capture them

The tribal leader goes to the first man and says "You have two choices, death, or bumba!"

The first man says, "Well, I suppose anything is better than death, I choose bumba"

Out of nowhere 10 giant naked men jump out of the trees and rape the poor traveler.

The tribal leader then goes to the second man and says "Do you choose death, or bumba?"

The second man says "Well, that's pretty awful, but it can't be as bad as dying. I choose bumba too"

Then 10 more men come out of the woods and join the other 10 men in raping the second traveler. After they've had their way with him, the tribal leader goes to the third man and says "Do you choose death, or bumba?"

Looking at his two friends, the third man is very distraught. He says "I don't want to live with having that happen to me, i choose death!"

Then the tribal leader shouts "Death, by bumba!!!!"
hyst.eric.al
Profile Blog Joined June 2009
United States2332 Posts
April 26 2010 16:11 GMT
#37
On April 27 2010 01:07 Stropheum wrote:
Three men are in the middle of nowhere on a seemingly deserted island

While in the woods, a bunch of natives jump out and capture them

The tribal leader goes to the first man and says "You have two choices, death, or bumba!"

The first man says, "Well, I suppose anything is better than death, I choose bumba"

Out of nowhere 10 giant naked men jump out of the trees and rape the poor traveler.

The tribal leader then goes to the second man and says "Do you choose death, or bumba?"

The second man says "Well, that's pretty awful, but it can't be as bad as dying. I choose bumba too"

Then 10 more men come out of the woods and join the other 10 men in raping the second traveler. After they've had their way with him, the tribal leader goes to the third man and says "Do you choose death, or bumba?"

Looking at his two friends, the third man is very distraught. He says "I don't want to live with having that happen to me, i choose death!"

Then the tribal leader shouts "Death, by bumba!!!!"
LOLOL i liked it
Leta , BeSt, Calm fan forever! 김정우, I am sorry I ever lost faith in you.
flamewheel
Profile Blog Joined December 2009
FREEAGLELAND26781 Posts
April 26 2010 16:12 GMT
#38
On April 27 2010 00:32 fulmetljaket wrote:
EDIT - This one is SFW:


+ Show Spoiler +
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

+ Show Spoiler +
Then he died.

Oh god this... :HS:
Writerdamn, i was two days from retirement
fulmetljaket
Profile Blog Joined December 2008
482 Posts
April 26 2010 16:12 GMT
#39
+ Show Spoiler +
On April 27 2010 01:07 Stropheum wrote:
Three men are in the middle of nowhere on a seemingly deserted island

While in the woods, a bunch of natives jump out and capture them

The tribal leader goes to the first man and says "You have two choices, death, or bumba!"

The first man says, "Well, I suppose anything is better than death, I choose bumba"

Out of nowhere 10 giant naked men jump out of the trees and rape the poor traveler.

The tribal leader then goes to the second man and says "Do you choose death, or bumba?"

The second man says "Well, that's pretty awful, but it can't be as bad as dying. I choose bumba too"

Then 10 more men come out of the woods and join the other 10 men in raping the second traveler. After they've had their way with him, the tribal leader goes to the third man and says "Do you choose death, or bumba?"

Looking at his two friends, the third man is very distraught. He says "I don't want to live with having that happen to me, i choose death!"

Then the tribal leader shouts "Death, by bumba!!!!"


LOL!!!
"Hunter Seeker Missile Is Gay, Just Like You." - Anon @ US
Chill
Profile Blog Joined January 2005
Calgary25986 Posts
April 26 2010 16:21 GMT
#40
Still my number 1 joke:

What do you say to a pedophile at the beach?
Get out of my sun.
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