Metagaming in EVE - Page 52

1. For Darius JOHNSON and zapawork, on the conquest of Delve

for Vadinho, Zastrow, and Vio Geraci for inspiration

and for newbies.

In the name of the prophet Karttoon.



2. Once upon a time there were two alliances. One was favored by the devs. They could do no wrong, and any who exposed their gifts was baniced from the land. The other had to fight tooth and nail for a single belt of crokite.

(Pictured: SirMolle receiving gifts from the devs; Kugutsumen banished for exposing that)


SirMolle, the leader of Band of Brothers, was afraid to challenge equal opponents even with his dev favors, lets his K ratio suffer. So he sent forth his army of highly skilled men and transvestites to massacre the weak. Refusing to engage, GoonSwarm's young pilots hid and sold their enemies overpriced Caracals until SirMolle's patience wore thin. He departed, declaring a premature victory. Goons were furious at the loss of our wealthy customers and swore revenge.

For his part, SirMolle resented our refusal to pad his killboard. Also once one of his minions got himself run over by a truck and SirMolle held a grudge against anyone deemed insufficiently grief-strucken over it. Some people are very judgemental.

(Pictured: the Smoske incident)



3. As time passed, Goonswarm allied itself with Red Alliance and Tau Ceti Federation and stormed the southeast. Eager to take credit for Lotka Volterra's presumed victory, SirMolle declared war too. When we annihilated Lotka Volterra and pressed westward, only his titans gave him the courage to continue the fight.

In those days, logged-on titans were unstoppable and SirMolle ceaselessly abused his power to kill even lone frigates. Frustated, our founder Remedial urged a full retreat. When we refused, he stole the ham from our very mouths and abdicated his throne to The Mittani.

Equally frustrated, The Mittani declared war on the devs. Goons eagerly leapt into a threadnought from which few emerged unharmed; The Mittani himself was crippled. As the impossibility of victory grew clear, he ordered a ceasefire, appointed Sesfan Qu'lah his successor, and wheeled himself into the shadows. Only to be mauled by a bear, poor guy.

(Pictured: SirMolle remote doomsdaying a frigate gang as cartographers Roffer and Colonel Ives watch)



4. Unmoved by our drama, Band of Brothers continued the slaughter. To protect our first mothership, still cooking in 0P-U0Q, the lieutenant Suas successfully distracted the enemy with easy kills from coked-up SpecOps cannon fodder in XGH-SH. To evacuate our second mothership's components to safety, he and Nync POS spammed the system.

(Pictured: POS spam; xttz has a mothership)

When we noticed that SirMolle was relocating towers from 9-980U to XGH-SH to compete with our spam, we saw an opportunity to recapture that system. One horde of angry Russians and a few logisticians later, Band of Brothers' progress was halted forever.

(Pictured: angry Russians, Grayton and Stampert doing logistics)



5. GoonSwarm's efforts were aided by Bane Glorious, a holy man who daily begged the devs to end titan invulnerability. During the defense of XGH-SH they finally reached the end of his manifesto and answered his prayers. SirMolle knew the devs' will but arrogantly continued smiting frigates until Hrin caught him at it. Then Band of Brothers was helpless to save their leader despite DigitalCommunist's best rhetoric.

(Pictured: the death of Shrike)



6. Desperately needing a titan to compensate for certain inadequacies, SirMolle seized a subordinate's. Our efforts to kill this one went, shall we say, rather less favorably.

(Pictured: Molle steals Hegemon Rast's titan; Suas mourns Nyx and caps lost in the massacre in ZID)


Our allies had better luck. Tau Ceti Federation steamrolled through Omist. In Catch, Red Alliance and Against All Authorities killed a titan on their own. SirMolle refused to steal a replacement for Seleene, insisting that a transvestite should be glad to be relieved of the thing. Mercenary Coalition muttered bitterly but bowed to their master.

(Pictured: TCF ; Seleene mourns her Ragnarok)



7. Further south in RIT-A7, a handful of Black Ops and Pandemic Legion ships had been terrorizing the Band of Brothers pet R i s e for weeks. Now a goon prophet arose to minister to our enemy, to warn them of SirMolle's infidelity and to reveal that Band of Brothers had no intention of providing the protection R i s e had paid for. Unable to handle the truth, even after a disastrous pep-talk by Yaay confirmed it, R i s e continued to wait for rescue.

When the Eye of Terror opened, R i s e was finished. Spurred on by chat porn from Band of Brothers' countless cascading pets, the full weight of GoonSwarm landed on the triangle. Laughing at R i s e's misplaced loyalty and Firmus Ixion's faith in a false god, we decimated R i s e's carrier gate camps, broke their Sov4, and laid waste to their land.

(Pictured: RoyOfCa's "PEOPLE OF RISE" propaganda; Sesfan and Papa Digger being awesome ; Apple Boy looting wrecks ; The Mittani receiving intelligence)



8. With his buffer of puppet-states collapsing, SirMolle realized he could not hold back the Red Swarm Federation. Abandoning his vassals to evacuate their armor tanked Rokhs on their own, he ordered his soldiers back to Delve. And so the prophesies of RoyOfCa came to pass.

Band of Brothers packed into Delve, fat with new recruits plundered from dying pets. Occasionally they puzzled over their lack of allies and released videos claiming victimhood in the war they had begun.

(Pictured: BoB withdrawal from Omist, Feythabolis and Paragon Soul; dudes chilling)

The Red Swarm Federation also pressed on to Delve, divvying up our new territories and gaining new allies, including the Mercenary Coalition. Finally fed up with SirMolle's heterosexism and flatered by Suas' paean(?) Seleene threw her lot in with us.

(Pictured: Scavok killing the fleeing enemies ; Tortuga casting Molle aside)



9. With great fanfare, GoonSwarm took QY6-RK and our first foothold in Delve. Sesfan Qu'lah attempted to name the station to honour an enemy commander, but was thwarted by the devs, citing the lady's enormously delicate sensibilities. Even today those who dare to speak her name are struck mute.

(Pictured: conga around Skynet ; Suas making songs ; wounded tiger)

At last we forced our way into NOL-M9. As SirMolle had a prior engagement showing Thai children his titan, the defense of Band of Brothers' home system fell to his deputy, Jake Noble. Unfortunately for GoonSwarm, Miners with Attitude was simply better than us. After a bitter fight our flagship Rorqual was destroyed and we were pushed back into QY6-RK.

(Pictured: the loss of Oort's Erebus)



10. Samhandwich astride Sally, his Wyvern class mothership that was aborted and then raised from the dead, as the prophet Karttoon promised all good goons will be, except Sally's seventy two virgins had neckbeards...?

(Pictured: Sally)


Pressing the advantage, Band of Brothers drove us from QY6-RK. Faced with eight titans, cynojammers, and jump bridges, and abandoned by both the duplicitous Seleene and our exhausted allies, goon corpses littered the landscape. Realizing that despite conquering seven regions he was no closer to slaying SirMolle, Sesfan Qu'Lah resigned and appointed Darius JOHNSON our leader.

(Pictured: BoB titans stomping goons ; Seleene begs to SirMolle ; Sesfan passes leadership to Darius)



11. With one last halfhearted cap battle, the Great War floundered to a close. GoonSwarm withdrew to our new southern territories, to amuse each other, or hit rehab, or explore our feminine side. And a new prophet arose to lead us in the way of the jihad, and pubby miners wept and paid mercenaries small fortunes to chase our brave jihadis and died nonetheless. And the prophet Karttoon smiled.

At long last deciding that blatant favoritism was bad and oversight was good, the devs declared an election for an advisory council. As a negro scarred by disenfranchisement, our leader insisted every goon vote and both he and Bane Glorious were elected. Their combined skill was fortunately enough to check the council chair, a debaunched courtesan determined to reshape the very universe to reverse her compatriots' history of unmitigated failures.

(Pictured: Stoffer Ninjapirate's ascension to a dev, dudes chilling, Poluketes dazzling everyone with animated Little Bees; Darius and Bane arguing with Jade Constantine in CSM council; the jihad against highsec miners)



12. Unsatisfied to merely advise the devs, Darius JOHNSON deployed the fleet to Geminate to exact punishment for Peoke's terrible spelling. The early campaign was marked by the loss of deadtear's titan, to the delight of the enemy and goons alike. Buoyed by this good omen, GoonSwarm proceeded to obliterate Smash and R0ADKILL despite their diligent use of multispecs.

(Pictured: the loss of deadtear's Erebus ; nicnivin seduces BobVII)

(Pictured: the Smash campaign)



13. Victorious, GoonSwarm returned home to consolidate our space and reclaim some moons from Stain Empire. Jealous of our northern frolic, SirMolle briefly invaded the Northern Coalition and, determined to outdo us, lost two titans. The rest of his band of ex-pets followed his example, proving themselves worthless under any alliance name.

(Pictured: NC kills Molle's titans ; goons shooting SE towers ; Hoegaarden along with all of GROON is kicked out of Goonswarm)

A minor disagreement over the merits of Ebay mushroomed when nync's old corp heartlessly slew a goon. After Red Alliance sided with us and expelled the corp, nync was forced to shop for new allies. Sadly the best he and his aluminum magnate could buy was a tubby kid in need of a dentist.

(Pictured: disagreements over the BJD4 deadspace complex; various Russian factions)



14. When Darius JOHNSON sounded the Horn of Goondor, prying 0oyz from nync's cold, dead hands in Russian prime proved laughably easy. Conveniently concerned for his wounded bosom friends, SirMolle fled the Northern Coalition and opened a second front against us. Unwilling to let him off that easily, the Northern Coalition followed him south. GoonSwarm, for our part, refused to be distracted from our valiant fight against game bugs.

(Pictured: siege of 0oyz; BobFromMarketing loses a MS; various sieging and a wizard is smoking weed and fighting a dragon and the dragon's fire breath is lighting the bong)



15. Unfortunately for SirMolle, Jake Noble was too busy gloating over his short-lived access to our directors' penis jokes to help Band of Brothers win a single cap battle. Then, deciding that some trinkets trapped in DG-8OJ were more important than his director-level spy, he instructed Iromei to offline the system. Iromei was immediately kicked and his prenatal titan confiscated. When overtures of Boss Tess failed to net a replacement spy, Jake Noble was driven mad by his own irrelevance and lost his entire knowledge of game mechanics.

Meanwhile, angry that no one worshipepd him in absentia and unable to endure the thought of Evil Thug in the arms of his beloved nync, Suas ditched rehab to steal the newborn titan. Remedial promptly sued for plagiarism. SpecOps was disbanded on the off chance of its dozen remaining members might stop weeping long enough to stage a coup.

(Pictured: DBRB kills Hurley's Avatar; Vio Geraci punishes Iromei ; Suas steals a titan)



16. Suas was forgotten when we found a Band of Brothers director in our midst. Haargoth Agamar begged to stay, explaining he only wanted sanctuary from our enemy's elitism and mindless ex-pets. He said we were nice. The Mittani's steely heart was warmed, and Haargoth was told he could remain if he closed his alliance and gave us their name. So he did.

(Pictured: SirMolle robbed blind and raging; goons abandon everything to gay Russians and set sail to Delve)

And then there was only one alliance.

(Pictured: Shadoo shooting lightning everywhere, goons recuperate, Darius passes CEO to Zapawork to Karttoon)

Delve is perfect.



17. Historia scribitur eunuchis speculatoribusque ostentatoribusque qui laniant mortuas linguast et budunt braeco trocho. Et victoribus~

Poluketes 2009

If you liked it, give isk? Or better yet make DBRB shut up.