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I’ve been very troubled lately – Hope the anonymity and wisdom of TL can shed some light for me.
I’ve been dating my current GF for the past 5 months now, and she’s absolutely fantastic – pretty, smart, makes me laugh, caring and does unspeakable things to me in bed. We love each other so much; it’s pretty much what I would call a perfect relationship. I see myself as a pretty conservative guy; I do party quite a bit, but I’m not the kind of person to date/kisss/fuck any pretty girl I meet – personality, closeness, etc. are things that I value more than sex. Consequently, I’ve only ever had 2 intimate relationships in the past; one of them we didn’t even go all the way. Recently through the afterglow of bedside conversations with my GF and what mutual friends have told me, I’ve been very troubled by what I have learned.
My GF parties quite a bit as well, and from what I’ve heard (some confirmed cases) she has made out with quite a few guys I know at various parties/clubs/etc. Those are only the guys I know, I’m sure there are many more. Once when we were both drinking at a party, some guy glanced at her with a smirk on his face the whole time and when I talked to him he just had this smuggest expression on his face that I couldn’t stand; I asked my GF about it afterwards and she said it was nothing, but she’s always been a bad liar however I just let it go. Also, a mutual friend told me that the night where we met at a karaoke place, she was at a club before and made out with a random guy because “he was tall, Korean, really good looking and had abs of steel”. The norm in today’s society? Yes. Shallow? Absolutely.
Even more troubling to me, she’s only ever had 1 boyfriend before me – who dated her just for sex. Short, average-looking, academic failure of a guy who never introduced her to any of his friends, never did anything special for her, made her miserable, fucked her once/took her virginity and dumped her right afterwards all in 5 months’ time. Ever since I found out, I’ve had some very mixed feelings. On one hand, I feel so sorry for my GF because I love her and I’ve been showering her with attention and care, but on the other hand, I’ve also developed feelings of contempt and anger towards her which I cannot communicate. Every time that I’ve tried to bring up subjects of her past (casually, jokingly, seriously, understandingly, etc. you name it) she becomes very guarded and irritated.
Now, I TRY SO HARD, I honest do, to just let it go. I try so hard to forget, or least not think about it, but I just can’t do it. I get irritated and depressed whenever her past crosses my mind, which unfortunately has become quite often. I really want to be a big person here, but I guess I’m just not one. All the mystery and making out with dozens of guys aside, I just can’t comprehend what she was thinking with her ex – why did she let a guy, who obviously didn’t love her and treated her like shit, fuck her especially for the first time (that ended in her ex dumping her a week later)? Now that I think about it, we had oral sex 2 weeks into our relationship, then sex 2 weeks after that. That was really fast for me, but she seemed completely okay and open with it. Why am I complaining about my hot GF that puts out? Well, combined with her past history this really makes me wonder about her integrity and fidelity as a person.
Despite all the media desensitization towards sex I have to say, at least in my social/cultural group, SEX IS A BIG DEAL, especially for the first time.
This girl loves me a lot, and I love her back. I’ve been otherwise extremely happy with her and I ‘m sure the same is true for her as well. I know that what matters is her present with me not the past, which is nothing short of the utmost loyalty, care, dependency and love towards me; I should just fucking be happy. But her past is like a fucking insect in the back of my skull, it’s a mental thing that gnaws at my brain whenever I think about it and I just wish I CAN STOP FEELING THIS WAY.
Am I being unreasonable? I really don’t want to feel this way at all but I just can’t help it. Fuck my Asian upbringing, I wish I could be some white guy who didn’t give a flying fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck.
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you love each other, let it go dude
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Well, from what I can tell, she either has issues or is slowly stopping being attracted to you, ''showering her with attention and care'' too much means she will get used to it and simply won't be interested in you anymore. I would have to see the situation in person to judge, though.
Anyway, you are being very unreasonable. This way you're gonna kill the relationship, if she really doesn't want to speak about it then there is nothing you can do, and acting like this will make you feel even worse, it's a problem in your head probably, if you wanted to let go, you would. You are just deepening it. About talking to her about it, just wait until she wants to talk about it, or shows some hints. If she doesn't want to tell you then all you will accomplish is her liking you less, perhaps even killing the relation ship. Your last paragraph is really what's the problem here, I would also like to ask your age?
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ALLEYCAT BLUES49776 Posts
You are overthinking.
SEX is a big deal but its not everything.You are being unreasonable.
You love her and you say she loves you.Let bygones be bygones,even sex.....
EDIT: I have misread it a little but my point still stands.
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I hope you realize that the absolute worst characteristic you can have in a relationship is jealousy. It is the biggest relationship-killer that exists.
Even if you haven't voiced your jealousy aloud, your behavior changes and everything you do will convey jealousy and trust me, women are much better at reading subtle social cues than guys are. Especially if she's hot.
I’ve also developed feelings of contempt and anger towards her which I cannot communicate. Every time that I’ve tried to bring up subjects of her past (casually, jokingly, seriously, understandingly, etc. you name it) she becomes very guarded and irritated.
That's because you think you're not communicating your contempt and anger through your behavior. She already knows what you feel like, and that's why she becomes guarded and irritated. She doesn't like being judged by someone who supposedly loves her.
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Yeah you're being unreasonable.
1) Women like sex just as much as men. All that making out was practice for you.
2) Having sex is natural and beautiful. If she's mature enough and trusts you enough to start being sexually active with you that quickly more power to her. Do you believe you can't hook up with a girl on the first night you meet her and then have a successful long-term relationship after that? If you don't you're wrong. Time till hook up has NO CORRELATION with integrity or fidelity.
2.5) Generally if something is nagging you, disinfect with sunlight. If it affects you, it affects her.
[edit] She doesn't like being judged by someone who supposedly loves her.
yeah listen to this guy
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United States42197 Posts
I've had similar issues. A lot of girls have done stupid things in a moment of insecurity tbh and although it's obvious to you (and everyone else) that the guy was a prick they won't see it at the time. But all that jealousy and resentment won't do you any good and if that's how you feel then she's right to get all guarded whenever you bring it up. Your current relationship sounds pretty perfect and this is your issue that you're bringing up, it's on you to get over it. She can't change her past and it has no impact on how she is with you. Either you get over it somehow, put up with it or end it. Also making her feel like shit about it with comments and jokes probably won't get you far, if it was that much of a mistake she probably knows it herself.
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On October 29 2010 22:52 SolHeiM wrote:
I hope you realize that the absolute worst characteristic you can have any time for anything is jealousy. It is the lamest and worst emotion ever emittied by humans.
fixed
fact of the matter is, Freud was right. When people have too much of something, they take it for granted and don't really care as much about it. When something is limited or being taken away everyone wants it more. This is exactly why assholes always get the girls.
Don't be so clingy or needy, it's a sign of weakness. Girls whether they will admit it or not, will rather go for the guy who gives them a little attention and then blows them off just as easily. By showing that you don't need her, she understands that you are capable of anything so it doesn't matter if you have her or not, because it seems like you can have any girl you want to pursue, so she will try harder to keep you (if she really likes you).
Not saying you should all the sudden call her a bitch and give her dirty looks all the time, but when you are with her just relax and have a good time, don't be on her every move or whatever. Especially in public setting, be fine to just stroll around and chat it up with people. If she happens to see you having good coversations with other females or just people in general she will realize that you are just as well without her.
Also, you are taking the sex way too seriously. I'm assuming you are young because sex does not mean love. and love doesn't even mean anything anyways. Take all the shit you've seen in movies and on TV and just throw it out the window, there are no rules or guidelines to sex or love or dating or whatever you want to call it. You just do what you want and she may or may not fit into that and vise versa to her.
Me personally, I don't care if my gf has had sex with other guys or girls in her past and I don't care how many it was. All I care is that they were clean/wore condom or whatever.
In fact, I let my gf hook up with other girls while were going out until she got over it and just wants me. I probably wouldn't care all that much at first if she was with other dudes as well, as long as it didn't cause a problem with the relationship we have. This kind of shit is totally situational though, and now I probably would care if I found out she's been with another guy for a prolonged period of time because we've been together for 4 years.
But if it was like a one night thing, I could forgive her but I would pretend like It ruined me and dump her for a while because I don't wanna show weakness or let her think that kind of shit is ok.
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On October 29 2010 22:42 ArbAttack wrote:
I’ve also developed feelings of contempt and anger towards her which I cannot communicate.
I feel ya on this soo fucking bad on this point. You just start becoming easily irritable towards them and often end up inadverdently saying or doing things that might burn the bridge.
I'll refrain from giving bs advice. I just wanted to say I've been in a similiar situation and it's so friggen shit.
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On October 29 2010 22:42 ArbAttack wrote:
My GF parties quite a bit as well, and from what I’ve heard (some confirmed cases) she has made out with quite a few guys I know at various parties/clubs/etc. Those are only the guys I know, I’m sure there are many more. Once when we were both drinking at a party, some guy glanced at her with a smirk on his face the whole time and when I talked to him he just had this smuggest expression on his face that I couldn’t stand; I asked my GF about it afterwards and she said it was nothing, but she’s always been a bad liar however I just let it go. Also, a mutual friend told me that the night where we met at a karaoke place, she was at a club before and made out with a random guy because “he was tall, Korean, really good looking and had abs of steel”. The norm in today’s society? Yes. Shallow? Absolutely.
Even more troubling to me, she’s only ever had 1 boyfriend before me – who dated her just for sex. Short, average-looking, academic failure of a guy who never introduced her to any of his friends, never did anything special for her, made her miserable, fucked her once/took her virginity and dumped her right afterwards all in 5 months’ time. Ever since I found out, I’ve had some very mixed feelings. On one hand, I feel so sorry for my GF because I love her and I’ve been showering her with attention and care, but on the other hand, I’ve also developed feelings of contempt and anger towards her which I cannot communicate. Every time that I’ve tried to bring up subjects of her past (casually, jokingly, seriously, understandingly, etc. you name it) she becomes very guarded and irritated.
i see only 1 solution for u. u must find this korean guy and this other boyfriend. and u must make out with them. then have ur friends tell her ur history with these dudes and u and ur gf will be even.
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I think everyone has those moments where u see your girls ex or a girl talks about her ex (Doesn't matter if she's comparing him to you in a positive light or just talking about how much of a faggot he was in my experience) and you want to immediately hunt him down and rip his testicles off and shove them down his throat...
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yep, thats my contribution.
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I'ts like being mad at Lenin about the revolution - what's done is done. It's the present that matters.
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On October 29 2010 23:12 Schplyok wrote:
I'ts like being mad at Lenin about the revolution - what's done is done. It's the present that matters.
Not really. His post is a bit unclear, but if she made out with guys when she was in a relationship with him "what's done is done, it's the present that matters," doesn't really count anymore. But if she had been with those guys prior to becoming his girlfriend, then her past is irrelevant.
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yah man u have a beautiful gf, the next time u kiss her just don't think about all the other dudes dongs shes put in her mouth. just don't think about all the dongs. ignore the other dudes dongs, don't think about the dongs of the other guys.
edit but srsly dont think about the dongs, its not worth it
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On October 29 2010 23:07 baller wrote:Show nested quote +On October 29 2010 22:42 ArbAttack wrote:
My GF parties quite a bit as well, and from what I’ve heard (some confirmed cases) she has made out with quite a few guys I know at various parties/clubs/etc. Those are only the guys I know, I’m sure there are many more. Once when we were both drinking at a party, some guy glanced at her with a smirk on his face the whole time and when I talked to him he just had this smuggest expression on his face that I couldn’t stand; I asked my GF about it afterwards and she said it was nothing, but she’s always been a bad liar however I just let it go. Also, a mutual friend told me that the night where we met at a karaoke place, she was at a club before and made out with a random guy because “he was tall, Korean, really good looking and had abs of steel”. The norm in today’s society? Yes. Shallow? Absolutely.
Even more troubling to me, she’s only ever had 1 boyfriend before me – who dated her just for sex. Short, average-looking, academic failure of a guy who never introduced her to any of his friends, never did anything special for her, made her miserable, fucked her once/took her virginity and dumped her right afterwards all in 5 months’ time. Ever since I found out, I’ve had some very mixed feelings. On one hand, I feel so sorry for my GF because I love her and I’ve been showering her with attention and care, but on the other hand, I’ve also developed feelings of contempt and anger towards her which I cannot communicate. Every time that I’ve tried to bring up subjects of her past (casually, jokingly, seriously, understandingly, etc. you name it) she becomes very guarded and irritated. i see only 1 solution for u. u must find this korean guy and this other boyfriend. and u must make out with them. then have ur friends tell her ur history with these dudes and u and ur gf will be even.
Ahahahaha can someone add this to the baller quotes thread.
Gold. Thanks baller.
On October 29 2010 23:09 Ftrunkz wrote:
I think everyone has those moments where u see your girls ex or a girl talks about her ex (Doesn't matter if she's comparing him to you in a positive light or just talking about how much of a faggot he was in my experience) and you want to immediately hunt him down and rip his testicles off and shove them down his throat...
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yep, thats my contribution.
Exactly how I feel sometimes.
On October 29 2010 22:58 KwarK wrote:
I've had similar issues. A lot of girls have done stupid things in a moment of insecurity tbh and although it's obvious to you (and everyone else) that the guy was a prick they won't see it at the time. But all that jealousy and resentment won't do you any good and if that's how you feel then she's right to get all guarded whenever you bring it up. Your current relationship sounds pretty perfect and this is your issue that you're bringing up, it's on you to get over it. She can't change her past and it has no impact on how she is with you. Either you get over it somehow, put up with it or end it. Also making her feel like shit about it with comments and jokes probably won't get you far, if it was that much of a mistake she probably knows it herself.
Thanks I know, it's just a matter of doing it and right now, it's pretty shitty.
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On October 29 2010 23:14 baller wrote:
yah man u have a beautiful gf, the next time u kiss her just don't think about all the other dudes dongs shes put in her mouth. just don't think about all the dongs. ignore the other dudes dongs, don't think about the dongs of the other guys.
edit but srsly dont think about the dongs, its not worth it
You can also be such a dong sometimes baller :S
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On October 29 2010 22:42 ArbAttack wrote:
Am I being unreasonable? I really don’t want to feel this way at all but I just can’t help it. Fuck my Asian upbringing, I wish I could be some white guy who didn’t give a flying fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck.
Hahahahaha, what the fuck is this about?
As to your situation, I would say that you need to really think about and figure out whether or not you can deal with it. If you're just in your relationship for some fun, and you're not concerned about the short term, I guess it wouldn't matter, but if you're interested in a relationship that may have some staying power, you would need to get over this. I think you have a legitimate reason to be bothered, I would be too if I met my girlfriends ex, or just some guys I knew she had made out with and they were acting smug as shit.
On the other hand, it's entirely possible this girl of yours was easy before, or kind of slutty, but has changed her ways or considers you a special guy and she has every intention of being monogamous. Ask yourself this, if you knew for a fact that your girlfriend was done being shallow and easy, and that she would most definitely be faithful to you, would this still bother you? What I mean is: Is the problem that you think she might cheat on you, or that you just hate her past so much?
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If she is faithful towards you and isn't making out with other guys you have absolutely no right to judge her on her behaviour before she met you.
There are a couple reasons why she could have behaved the way she did.
1) She likes to make out / have sex for plesure. Pure and simple.
2) She could have been looking for intimecy / warmth / love and kissing / having sex was the only way she knew how to get this.
But no matter what the reason was if she changed her behaviour after meeting you, you'll have to accept it or separate if it's bothering you to much to handle. If it's the first reason I mentioned then there is nothing to talk about imo. If it's the second reason then she will talk about it with you when she's ready.
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VERY few guys turn down sex if it's offered to them. If they look good, are single and the woman is into it, it's a done deal. Check some of the replies in this topic: http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=108168 Sex is offered to women by a lot of pretty boys/rakes/thugs and all she has to do is say yes and it's a one night stand right there. If that's what she wants.
That aside, you seem to be beating yourself up over the situation a lot. Don't do that. You're angry for just reasons. Your girlfriend is not serious about your relationship because she's making out with other guys while you two have a relationship. She's an adult and it's her right to live freely as she wants as long as she doesn't hurt anyone, but you shouldn't put up with it. Unless you have girls on the side as well.
You can choose whether you want to be with her anymore or not. It sounds like you're suffering a lot from this relationship. Try to get involved in some other activities to get your mind off it. Go to the movies, spend time with your friends (and don't talk too much about your g/f, try to have some fun), take an evening course outside of college, stay at the library really late, take a walk to some interesting spot in your town, meet some new people/new girls at the bar. There's a life outside this relationship, you just don't see it right now. Also, your girl has a rough history. Most people know a person like that. You need to help her, but at the same time keep it in check so you don't fuck up the rest of your life. That part you can control. She has parents/friends/social workers who can help as well.
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I've been in the same situation as you.
Basically I think there is no way out of this one except for you to accept it, if you can't, maybe its not the girl you need.
If you talk to her about it (too much), she will feel uncomfortable and ask herself why do you bother so much.
Best thing is to keep going the way you are and you will know if you love her. If you keep feeling this way, I don't see a solution but breakup 
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EPT
