EPTRadiohead - Nude.
13 hour day of work. No lunch.
Funeral tomorrow.
It's been a while since i last posted on my blog. A while since my only post, i suppose. I've not been around because i can't seem to find the words to express what i want to exprress. i don't know what i want to express. I don't know if i have anything worth expresssing.
I'm changing.
I'm being drowned out by routine, comfort, luxury, and ease. And it's getting to me. I find myself becoming more and more numb to it all. I find myself becoming impatient with things i don't find stimulating - impatient in a subtle, numb, volitionless sense. But i'm not unempowered. I feel like i have more control over my life than i've ever had before. And in some ways i'm happier than i've ever been.... it's just that it's all too easy...
My life, up until recently, has never been an easy one. Many people in my life would probably debate this point, but in memory i have never felt at ease.
Since i was young i was dedicated to being the rebel. I wanted to figure it all out for myself. I wanted to do it my way. I wanted to do it because you said it couldn't be done. I loved to learn, but wanted to prove that homework was not relevant to that process. I thought school was for sheep that couldn't climb out of the box that tells you it's necessary to be happy. I wanted to hate my father, and thought it was important to succeed in such an endeavour. I succeeded. I was struggling with my sexuality, adamant that i not fit the stereotypes that goes along with it, as i needed to amount to more than just a label.
I always had a cause. And i always had someone against me. (parents, friends, teachers, society)
But now... it seems i've come around. While still lacking my highschool education, i feel that the pursuit of study is an incredibly convenient means to and end, and not urespectable at that. I have an amazing relationship with my father, as it occurred to me to explore his life from his side, instead of my own. I have a great job, with awesome co-workers, and set in an incredible environment. Sitting outside of stereotypes has lost it's glamour; i am simply me.
And don't get me wrong, i feel great about it all. My life has never been so rich.
But something is missing. It's just all to easy. Making good decisions is so much easier than making bad ones; every situation in the future is made easer by every good decision before it.
Again, i feel like i am lacking the words to express the entirety of my experience. I am not depressed. I am happy, laughing and smiling the majority of the time. It's just that it's all boring. It's not satisfying. Sorta like watching someone play Starcraft - completely stimulating and entertaining. But then i've won qualifications to be on Team Canada - immensely fulfilling.
Isn't this life the one that everyone says you should want? Money, Friends, Career, Health, Comfort, Luxury? And if you're not happy, you apparently don't have enough of one of the above?
I have my own thoughts about, and answers to, these questions. However, if such answers provided me comfort, i'd probably be sharing those instead of posing the questions themselves.
I want to find again that former me, the one that was near to weeping at the most random happenings. That every moment was fantastical and fundamentally moving because of the insights borne in it. My life was in a constant state of Emotional Flux. And now, i'm left with simple, steady, consistent, ease. Routine... i've always despised the Routine!
And now, a poem!
I wrote this a few months back when i was in a similar state of mind.
Photographer
Looking good!
From this view
Let me capture you,
Capture you from here
I wonder... what do you see?
Maybe my lens, surely my promise,
loving my vision
I wonder... do you see me?
Hark! Where's that frown coming from?
That doubt... Etched on the brow
Is something missing?
Wait! Don't eclipse it with Grandiose Ideas
That's sure a nice picture
I'll make sure to show the world
Don't worry about the money
It was my pleasure
Did you say something?
Oh... have i ever been in the picture?
Haha, of course not.
I'm the Photographer
) but hope you figure it out 
.
