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On April 10 2009 03:52 JWD wrote:
There's no way a friendship will work - and you know it. When a guy says "losing a huge friendship would be a loss for both of us", what he really means is "I'm totally in love with this girl, and I'm going to keep pursuing her under the pretense of preserving our friendship". This woman might genuinely value your friendship, but you need to put yourself first - if maintaining that friendship is going to drive you nuts and prevent you from getting over her (it is), then you shouldn't.
This woman has made her position really, really clear - she's married, in love with her husband, and not interested in a romantic relationship with you. Now you have to do whatever it takes to accept that as fact and get on with your life. That probably means abandoning the idea of a friendship. From the beginning you never wanted this woman as just a friend...and you definitely won't be able to shake those desires now.
Good luck. It's going to be really tough, but if you move on now you will be much happier a year down the line. Trust me, I've been there.
About 99% chances you're right and that won't work, but I don't see a reason not to give it a try. It's been painful for quite a while already, and no matter the decision I make these next few weeks/months will be tough. Plus should I decide to quit my job (which is, again, my only way to radically move on), I'll need to work there for at least a few more months anyway--so it's not like a couple of "friendship test weeks" are fundamentally going to change anything.
They'll probably be useless, but at least I won't have any regrets at all later. I'll know the only other option failed.
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I'd say I've had my fair share of obsessions with girls in my life. That said, I feel like people are recommending some rather drastic action. It's a crush on a girl, albeit a strong one. It's sounds like a huge over reaction to have to totally stop interacting with someone or worse, quit your job, just because someone couldn't handle a crush. You were friends before, you can be friends again. It can and will be awkward at first but I fail to see how two mature adults can't just be rational about this and coexist.
Sounds like the weak way out to totally remove her from your life and throw away a job you like in a crappy economy just to deal with some fleeting emotions. It will pass and you'll be stronger for it after wards. If the situation changes, perhaps re-evaluate things. Otherwise, give it a week or two, return to normal, and go about your life.
I really really don't mean to sound condescending or anything but I feel like I went through all manner of very long and painful obsessions back in high school and it all seems like a lifetime ago now. Looking back it all felt so foolish and my handling of the situations were incredibly immature.
It's a rough situation and it will most likely not be an easy transition regardless of what happens. Good luck to you man, I hope things work out for the best.
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France231 Posts
I can relate a lot to this, especially because i'm in love with a girl doesn't want me but I still have to see her every fucking day but sunday. In fact i was exactly in the same situation some months ago. When i first knew her she had a boy friend wich means it was already painful for a few months, exactly like you. I really know what you're going through atm and i also know how painful it is.
Here's what I did : I told her i couldn't see her as a friend and nothing else like I tried to do for a few months. I asked her to completly stop talking to me and tried to think of other girls.
It is deeply painful at first, and you burn to speak to her again, but i knew that if i did that I would never have lost my feelings towards her and that shit could have gone on for ever. And eventually you'll fall in love for someone else and forget her.
I think you should give it a try, as you said. That way, you'll have no regrets and it'll be easier to forget her in the end.
En tout cas j'suis vraiment désolé pour toi, parce que c'est une situation incroyablement difficile mentalement et qu'a très peu de chance de s'arranger à court et moyen termes, même si c'est tout le malheur que j'te souhaite.
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Sorry about your situation. It seems to me you have 2 good options.
1.) Get away from her and don't come back.
2.) Pursue a relationship with her anyways.
she doesn't have a kid right?
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Taiche
France1963 Posts
OK, my turn 
On April 09 2009 22:32 PoP wrote:
Anyway, her decision sounded firm. And she's convinced that revealing it to each other will make things easier for the both of us. I told her I didn't believe it would work out that way, but she does seem pretty optimistic. I do know it will never work for me at least.
I know it will sound harsh but she wants everything here : she wants to keep her husband AND the lover. It's selfish but it's normal you don't see it that way, as you're definitely in love with her.
On April 09 2009 23:07 PoP wrote:
But I'm not going to insist or anything. I just told her the door was open in case she changed her mind. What I'm more interested in knowing is whether I should quit my job to make it easier for her (and me), or if staying around is a better option. She told me she wanted me to stay and keep doing like nothing had happened, just as friends. But I'm not really sure it can work.
It won't work. If one or both partners are in a "love" relationship (or state of mind), there can't be any friendship between them. The "just as friends" thing will never work ; that is, unless everything is sorted out in a healthy way.
People think of friendship as a way of keeping in touch with the loved one, so they can still hope and the dream is not broken. But at some point, the sad truth will eventually appear.
As I said above, of course she wants you to stay : that way she can have it all at no cost. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying she's a selfish b**ch or whatever : I don't know her. She's just acting that way to protect herself from being harmed and simply doesn't realize (or doesn't want to realize) she's just hurting you more in the process.
On April 09 2009 22:32 PoP wrote:
Also I can't help but think I've made mistakes.
Blah blah blah. You told her how you felt, you were not ambiguous and didn't harm her. That's the game, either you win or you lose, but you actually played it and didn't stay out : you did what you had to do. Don't blame yourself.
And keep in mind that hadn't you been honest with her, you'd still be in that awkward situation, not knowing what to do. I also believe you did well by not kissing her, it just shows how nice and honest you are ; some people will say you're stupid for that, ignore them as they're just the idiots here.
On April 10 2009 02:24 PoP wrote:
I see most of you advise me to forget about her, and that's more or less what I expected. That might very well be the best option in the long run... but I still want to try a different approach first, only because losing such a great friendship (that's what it is before anything else) would be a huge loss for both of us. Trying to remain friends may be impossible and/or painful, but this is what she wants (I asked her) and what I believe we should try and do first. It may sound naive, and it most likely will fail, but if we both try to focus our "emotional brain" elsewhere (her to her husband, myself to other women... if I can), there's a slight chance we both manage to eventually move on, while retaining that friendship.
Problem is it's a fool's game. It can't be an honest friendship because there are other feelings involved. Of course it's "what she wants", of course you want to try. You are both totally confused by what is happening and instead of stepping back and trying to get the big picture, you just want to go deeper and deeper to find out if there's an easy way out of this mess.
Anyway, I've been there and done that but won't try to "enlighten" you : you need to build your own experience. Eventually, when your pain threshold will hit its limit, you'll throw the towel by yourself.
I know it sounds pessimistic and I really would like it not to happen this way but I simply don't see how it could work.
On April 10 2009 02:24 PoP wrote:
In any case, I think I'm screwed for a while: 1. I know I probably won't end up with her now; 2. I haven't been able to feel anything for any other woman since I know her, simply because she's 100% my ideal woman (and I told her). Actually it's like my video games experience after I discovered Starcraft. I basically stopped playing any other game because they all suddenly didn't seem interesting anymore. And that's since 1998. Even when I stopped playing SC for more than a year, I still didn't find interest in any other video game, simply because I was unconsciously comparing them to it. And that's exactly what's happening and will keep happening for a long while between me and other women. I doubt there's any way out of it, and if there is it will take years. And that sucks. :/
Thing is, no video game can dump you. A video game doesn't have any feeling ; actually it's more like a doll. You want to play with it then do it. You can't do that with people. People react in ways you can't always foretell or even understand. What if she suddenly stops talking to you next week ? Or what if she resigns ? Or what if she moves to Thailand next month ?
StarCraft can't do that : it's always available for you to play with.
Also remember that she is your "100% ideal woman" because you think you know her but actually you don't. You have to live with someone to know her and know all of her nasty habits. It's normal she's awesome when you see her : she likes you a lot, it's a seduction game. When you see her, what do you do : try to look great and be funny or fart while poking your nose like you always do when playing SC ? It's a caricature, but do keep in mind you're both playing an act.
So. What to do, what to do. Of course, as the Observer (wooo, SC reference), it's prefectly clear : move on. And try to stay away from girls at work, especially the ones you work with every day. But for you, this is very different : you think we only have a superficial vision of what happened, we don't know the girl, etc... As I said above, you need to live it your way and build your own experience. Look : almost everyone in this thread has told you to let go, but you still want to believe there's a chance. It means you're not ready to listen to others' advice (the story is too fresh, obviously) and that's perfectly normal.
The only things I want you to keep in mind are the following questions : do you really want to preserve your friendship with her ? If so, do you think you're doing it the right way ? Also, are you acting on your own free will or are you biased in any way because of her ? And where are you getting at ? What are you trying to accomplish ?
These are simple questions you should ask yourself at all times ; I am not trying in any way to influence your judgment.
Good luck with all this, pal. I sincerely hope it works out for you 
+ Show Spoiler +Yeah, it happened to me once. She cheated on her BF for me for a week before she decided it was not worth it and broke up with me. I spent one month trying to stay friend with her until I realized I was being a fool and gave up. No need to say I thought she was "the one" back then ; today I know she wasn't and I'm glad I went away.
I know it's not even close to what you are going through these days, it's just to tell you I think it happens to all of us one day or the other.
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Unfortunately, Stendhal, Flaubert, and the entire French literary canon is unread these days by the Anglophone community, so fishing for advice on this forum will tend to yield rather English results when it comes to romance.
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You'll get over it soon, I had a similar situation once, try talking to others, you know, meet new people (GIRLS of course) to get rid of your "mutual" understanding. Eventually, you both will be friends, and you both will be happy! Cheers! Gl HF
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Physician
United States4146 Posts
- this is how people get killed lol..
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Her being married is kind of a constraint that I wouldn't violate for a number of reasons. [I will not go into my personal views so that this post can't be used as possible evidence against me in the future.]
One thing you could do to fundamentally change the situation is to come clean with the husband. Then he can either find his wife another job, or allow you two to be friends with accurate knowledge of the situation.
I'm not saying that is a wise decision, however it is an option.
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Physician
United States4146 Posts
On April 10 2009 12:41 fight_or_flight wrote:
One thing you could do to fundamentally change the situation is to come clean with the husband.
a potential Darwin award right there
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United States22883 Posts
On April 10 2009 03:52 JWD wrote:Show nested quote +On April 10 2009 03:23 inReacH wrote:
Quit your job if you have to.. create distance and when you feel comfortable try to be her friend/stay in contact until her marriage falls apart..
DONT be the reason it falls apart though.
You have like 50% odds that it won't go the distance and considering she is having strong feelings for other people already that's at least another 5%..
Again don't actively be the reason it fails though... just wait it out. This is awful advice. You do not want to "wait out" a marriage! You could spend 10, 15, 20 years sitting around, maintaining your valued "friendship" with this woman, and wishing you were with her. That would be a waste of your affections and your life. I know this is hard PoP, but you need to move on. Show nested quote +On April 10 2009 02:24 PoP wrote:
I see most of you advise me to forget about her, and that's more or less what I expected. That might very well be the best option in the long run... but I still want to try a different approach first, only because losing such a great friendship (that's what it is before anything else) would be a huge loss for both of us. Trying to remain friends may be impossible and/or painful, but this is what she wants (I asked her) and what I believe we should try and do first. It may sound naive, and it most likely will fail, but if we both try to focus our "emotional brain" elsewhere (her to her husband, myself to other women... if I can), there's a slight chance we both manage to eventually move on, while retaining that friendship. There's no way a friendship will work - and you know it. When a guy says "losing a huge friendship would be a loss for both of us", what he really means is "I'm totally in love with this girl, and I'm going to keep pursuing her under the pretense of preserving our friendship". This woman might genuinely value your friendship, but you need to put yourself first - if maintaining that friendship is going to drive you nuts and prevent you from getting over her (it is), then you shouldn't. This woman has made her position really, really clear - she's married, in love with her husband, and not interested in a romantic relationship with you. Now you have to do whatever it takes to accept that as fact and get on with your life. That probably means abandoning the idea of a friendship. From the beginning you never wanted this woman as just a friend...and you definitely won't be able to shake those desires now. Good luck. It's going to be really tough, but if you move on now you will be much happier a year down the line. Trust me, I've been there.
:/
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PoP any progress? I am very curious, wish you all the best man
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Yep a lot of us have experienced similar conceptual situations, including myself. Not as many have experienced your specific situation though (particularly in our age group). I would think having a strong crush or being in love with a married woman is different to having a strong crush or being in love with a girl who (only) has a boyfriend.
Personally, my situation was the latter, and it was painful enough already. It did not help that she was in my study group for finals at medical school. One must truly dig deep emotionally in those situations. I discovered that pain is indeed for the weak. I passed my finals first go by the way haha.
I note that the woman mentioned in the original post is 6 years older. That is interesting indeed. Age shouldn't make a jot of difference when it comes to love...but unforunately it often does.
Anyway, good luck and it would be nice to hear some updates if you'd care to share. From my experience, it takes much longer than a year for those feelings to truly go away. Fearfully, often they may never go away. It helps when you meet another girl though!
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On April 09 2009 22:47 JMave wrote:
Not to be offensive but..
Hey dude, she's married. Leave her alone.
what this guy said.
Don't be a dick dude.
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walk up to her, whip it out and say "well, what are we going to do about this?" but make sure you avoid eye contact and kinda murmur, they prefer it like this because its less threatening, also try to make your voice break half way through the sentence. dont forget to thrust hips as you do it too, this is key.
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On April 09 2009 22:47 JMave wrote:
Not to be offensive but..
Hey dude, she's married. Leave her alone.
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Screw (in a nice way of course) you all saying to get off from her because she's married. And as long as they don't have a baby it's not such a big deal.
Can't you see from what he wrote that she's ~in love~ with him?
Pop, just forget about that she's married, the rate of divorces these days is high as hell anyway and it's a big probability that she will divorce with him no matter you sticking your tail.
She's now in the period of having an inner fight. Just be close to her, let her feel your loving warmth. And next time kiss her.
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Paragraphers ..
If you want whats best for her, let her go.
And it didn't take even 1/121 the time it took for others to say that.
And if you're really going to play it out drama-like, and you don't mind a couple bruises, tell her husband.
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Calgary25998 Posts
Fuck that. Do not do what's best for her, do what's best for you. Seriously. Don't try to be a hero.
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United States47024 Posts
On April 10 2009 08:09 Taiche wrote:Thing is, no video game can dump you. A video game doesn't have any feeling ; actually it's more like a doll. You want to play with it then do it. You can't do that with people. People react in ways you can't always foretell or even understand. What if she suddenly stops talking to you next week ? Or what if she resigns ? Or what if she moves to Thailand next month ? StarCraft can't do that : it's always available for you to play with. Also remember that she is your "100% ideal woman" because you think you know her but actually you don't. You have to live with someone to know her and know all of her nasty habits. It's normal she's awesome when you see her : she likes you a lot, it's a seduction game. When you see her, what do you do : try to look great and be funny or fart while poking your nose like you always do when playing SC ? It's a caricature, but do keep in mind you're both playing an act.
There you have it, folks. Starcraft > Women.
On a more serious note...
On April 10 2009 03:52 JWD wrote:
There's no way a friendship will work - and you know it. When a guy says "losing a huge friendship would be a loss for both of us", what he really means is "I'm totally in love with this girl, and I'm going to keep pursuing her under the pretense of preserving our friendship". This woman might genuinely value your friendship, but you need to put yourself first - if maintaining that friendship is going to drive you nuts and prevent you from getting over her (it is), then you shouldn't.
This is, IMO, the most intelligent thing that has been said in this blog.
To those who keep saying "wtf she's married, etc." read the thread more carefully.
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EPT
