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I'm not used to speaking about that kind of personal stuff on web forums, especially not on TL, but this time I really need as much advice as I can get--and since I know we've got a bunch of specialists around here, I'd like to give it a try.
So I've been in love with a coworker of mine since last November (she got there in September, I was already working there). She's 30 (I'm 24) and recently married, so I had very little hope to begin with.
Yet I never could help but chat/joke around with her as often as I could. Just being around her made me feel really great, and since it seemed to be enjoyable to her as well, I kept it on for a couple of months. As a result, I became more and more fond of her as time was passing... to the point where I realized I was completely obsessed and couldn't hold it any longer.
I did hold it for a while though, and after some time realized she might have been feeling something similar as well. She started to give me some sorts of 'signals' and I wasn't sure if I was just making shit up or not... until last weekend. She sent me a straight, clear hint through an email, telling me she couldn't help emailing me during weekends, and a few other similar things.
The next monday (three days ago that is), she again sent me a couple of hints through MSN at work. That's when I decided it was time to tell her how I felt and see if it was mutual. It was unbearable anyway, so I had to. I took her to a café right after work, and there I did it... She told me it was mutual. That she couldn't stop thinking about me, had problems sleeping because of it and wanted to spend most of her time around me. She was half crying and we held each other's hands for a good 40 minutes without talking much as we were both quite shocked.
I took her in my arms for a minute or two as well. However, I didn't kiss her (except on her hair). I wanted to, but I do respect her and her marriage a lot and didn't want to force anything. She obviously didn't seem sure as to what she was going to do. After a while, she just accompanied me back to the gare and we kissed each other on the cheeks and said bye.
But tuesday was completely different. She did seem different at least. She clearly let me know that she wasn't even considering leaving her husband (I didn't expect her to make such a decision after a day of course, but I did hope she would at least think about it considering what she told me). She also said that she didn't think what she felt for me was love, but only a very strong form of friendship (that she didn't want to go away). I told her that I had a hard time believing her considering what she told me the day before. That you don't wake up in the middle of the night thinking about a "great friend"... But yet, she refused to call that love.
Anyway, her decision sounded firm. And she's convinced that revealing it to each other will make things easier for the both of us. I told her I didn't believe it would work out that way, but she does seem pretty optimistic. I do know it will never work for me at least.
So at that point, I have no idea what to do. I don't know if I should still retain any form of hope or rather completely give up on it. Whether I should quit my job to forget about her totally, or just keep things the way they are and try to enjoy our relationship as I did before without hoping for more. (I don't really think I can do that, actually.) I'm also considering starting to be willingly more distant to her to see if it can provoke some kind of reaction. Not sure it's worth it though, and it'd be pretty hard for me to pull off.
Also I can't help but think I've made mistakes. Maybe I should have gone for the kiss on monday and things would be different today. But she's married and she seemed completely confused, that would have been like a stolen one to me. And that would have made things even harder should she have taken the same decision afterward.
Maybe I should have waited a little bit longer before telling her, too... her feelings seemed to be growing and maybe waiting two or three more weeks could have made a difference?
Anyway, if you guys have any advice to give me as to what I should do now, or just general advices about all of this, it'd be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance.
 
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Doesn't sound like it was an issue of time... it just seems like she had a sudden rush of guilt after that afternoon. It is possible to be in love with two people at once as well, but it seems like maybe she's just recoiling at becoming a "cheater".
My guess is that if she really really likes you, she'll find a way to rationalize cheating on her husband with you eventually. Otherwise you might have to start letting go? Regardless, I wouldn't press it in the short term.
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Here's my naive opinion:
This person is married. She made a mutual commitment with someone not to see other people. She has indicated that she will not break this commitment in order to be with you.
It's possible that she has an open marriage, but judging by what you said, probably not.
With this in mind, do you want to risk hurting her in order to get what you want (emphasize "risk" - I am not implying that it will inevitably result)? I won't presume to answer that for you, and it wasn't a rhetorical question. You decide.
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I would think that your job is extremely important. Unless it starts to become seriously awkward then I would suggest against resigning. To the issue of the girl though, I would suggest you to, or at least make an effort to try and ignore some feeling you have for her. Eventually, if nothing happens, they can go away, and messing with her marriage would be a bad decision. I hate to be blunt but the idea of you causing her to divorce her husband for you can't end well in any way. So anything further than a close relationship probably won't be the best decision in the long run.
As for the kiss, I believe it was the right thing to do. Refraining from any action was probably the best decision.
In short, it is that anything more than a relationship can only result in short term.
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Homewrecka!
In all seriousness, I really doubt many people have been in this spot and can give you solid advice, so take what you get from here with a grain of salt. I think you have two options after her shift Tuesday: tell her that you love her again, and that if she doesn't want to leave her husband and be with you that you're going to have to cut ties, because it would be too painful for you; OR, you can keep talking to her and biding your time.
All this said, you're messing around with someone's wife, and a co-worker. You need to be very careful, or this could end up fucking up not only your relationship with her, but fucking up your job.
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Not to be offensive but..
Hey dude, she's married. Leave her alone.
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I know she's married--I don't want to break that at all and I won't force anything. I do want what's best for her though. I know if I were married and fell in love with someone else I'd be asking myself some questions, especially if I didn't have children yet. Questions such as "am I really happy in my current situation?"
But I'm not going to insist or anything. I just told her the door was open in case she changed her mind. What I'm more interested in knowing is whether I should quit my job to make it easier for her (and me), or if staying around is a better option. She told me she wanted me to stay and keep doing like nothing had happened, just as friends. But I'm not really sure it can work.
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For me, easiest way to distinguish right from wrong is to put yourself in that situation. In your case - put yourself into her husbands position and imagine how would you feel if someone was trying to seduce your wife. We're all human and we're all vulnerable by our irrational feelings, so you might actually be successful at getting her, but it's so damn wrong in my world view. Think about it.
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On April 09 2009 23:09 Jusciax wrote:
For me, easiest way to distinguish right from wrong is to put yourself in that situation. In your case - put yourself into her husbands position and imagine how would you feel if someone was trying to seduce your wife. We're all human and we're all vulnerable by our irrational feelings, so you might actually be successful at getting her, but it's so damn wrong in my world view. Think about it.
It's not about getting her in any way. I don't think my original post was about that. By "what I should do?" I don't mean "what I should do to get her?", but "what should I do to make it better for both of us?".
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On April 09 2009 23:09 Jusciax wrote:
For me, easiest way to distinguish right from wrong is to put yourself in that situation. In your case - put yourself into her husbands position and imagine how would you feel if someone was trying to seduce your wife. We're all human and we're all vulnerable by our irrational feelings, so you might actually be successful at getting her, but it's so damn wrong in my world view. Think about it.
If she doesn't love her husband they're going to get divorced eventually, or she'll be unhappy for the rest of her life out of some sense of duty to her husband (who, likely, will be unhappy in the marriage because his wife doesn't love him and it will show). If our information is correct, and she's being honest about her feelings and not doing this as some kind of retribution or to make him jealous, it's a doomed marriage and honoring it is nothing but a farce.
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On April 09 2009 23:07 PoP wrote:
I do want what's best for her though.
It's hard when it's about love but try to be rational.
Do what's best for you.
Do you know what she really wants? What she wants from you? What you can really expect from a potential relationship with her?
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Wait till their divorced??
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I've got to agree with the above... she's married dude. Let's see what happens:
A) In the extremely extremely unlikely situation that she divorces her husband and chooses to live her life with you do you really want to be the guy that fucks up a marriage? Think of the poor guy on the other end at the very least. And just how long and how much stress/anguish is it going to cause everyone to go through that whole process? It will take years for any closure if something like this happens. During that time, everyone is going to be an emotional shipwreck. And think about the type of woman you will be possibly marrying. Can you really say that you trust her 100% if she can do what she did to her ex-husband...
B) Far more likely is that she will never divorce and you will keep stringing along. You'll keep clinging on to the hope that somehow she will be with you and everything will be okay after that. You might have some more intimate encounters with her, some sex..whatever, but your soul is going to get destroyed. Because you're going to be thinking about her 24/7 but you never will be with her properly. You'll always be number 2 in her life. The bit on the side. Nothing more. You'll be risking your job, your social life, all the other relationship opportunities and your sanity. That sounds pretty ott, but you if you are obsessed with her as much as you sound.. it doesn't sound too far off.
Then one day.. even while you curse the heavens for getting into the mess.. the shit will really hit the fan. She will move house / change job / change city / have kids and just completely cut you off. Then your mind will be completely fucked. Because thats when you will really realise what a waste of 3/6/12 months its been.. how futile and pathetic any hope of being with her was...
So... do C) Sit down and chat with her. A serious business chat. Tell her you have to minimize all non-job related contact with her. She will understand of course.. because she probably has been thinking the same thing. The 'okay, we'll just be best buddies for life' is not going to cut it, you're going down path B). We're only human. You might think you handle the emotions and the mini heartbreaks everytime you see her but you're just going to become more obsessed.
C will be fucking hard and difficult but is the only responsible route to take. It's good you've thought about quitting your job if worst comes to the worst... because if that what it takes to get out of this emotional mess then you're gonna have to do it. To help you with C.. the usual stuff applies. Get obsessed/involved with something else. Force yourself to spend more time doing other things.. like hanging out with your friends more, getting obsessed with another (single!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hohoho) girl...getting ready for SC2 etc.etc.
Good luck.. keep us updated please~
oh yeah as pretentious as i sound... im not pretending the above is any special advice.. everyone knows that stuff.. including Pop. I just wrote in that style to get the point across as bluntly as possible. :/
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Hungary11238 Posts
The emotional situation sounds complex for sure. The one thing I am curious about is if the job is worth staying. I mean, are there alternatives or would quitting that job be a setback for you?
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On April 09 2009 23:31 Elric wrote:
[...]
oh yeah as pretentious as i sound... im not pretending the above is any special advice.. everyone knows that stuff.. including Pop. I just wrote in that style to get the point across as bluntly as possible. :/
I agree 100%
It might seem cynical but... it's just true.
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this is hard to say
like you describe it the feeling really seems to be mutual but she probably sees herself as a "decent" woman and respects the institution of marriage and the promise of faithfulness connected to it. Another thing is that she just "recently" got married, probably thought her live was finally settled and would continue like that... and then you come and she falls in love with another man so shortly afterwards. If she is able to suppress it she'll learn to live with it and though she may have the feeling she "missed" something still accepts the fact that she's tied to her husband. So, convinces herself that she loves him though her feelings have told her something different initially.
what can you do? wait if that will happen, or if she decides otherwise and can _not_ live with that situation, that mistake (given the situation is as assumed) for the rest of her life and makes a fundamental break. you could ask her - when some time has passed and she still seems as miserable as you - if she wants to live with that for the rest of her life.
yeah, otherwise.. suppress it as well.. if you can.. it's only hormones and there are other women (some new info here) although you say "but i can't change my feelings.. they are just there". take distance in that case and force your mind not to think of her, think less of her, although you see her daily, but try to only "register" her and not think of her in a sexual sense. when time passes your feelings should become less painful (hey theory!).
actually i don't know  if she's not the person to make a fundamental break and rather stays conventional, you can do nothing. only quit your job if it totally fucks up your emotional life or bear it if you can manage that. maybe she will quit her job if she really loves you but on the other hand is unable to leave her husband.
you can live with mistakes and still lead a pretty satisfying life though you may think now and then "what if i had..." ... or you decide you can not or do not want to live like that and do something against it. but this depends wholly on her because YOU would be ok with it if she broke up with her husband for your and her sake.. it's only the question (as mentioned numerous times) if she can.
if you find the strength try to provoke some signals that tell you how her true feelings are and act based on that. that's all you can do. you can not _force_ her out of her relationship, just double check if she's really and finally firm with it or if she reconsiders / would reconsider.
and to all that crap with "she's married, man": better admit a mistake sooner than later. if she's now - so shortly after her marriage - unsure of her feelings (towards her husband), how will it be in 10, 20 years? and is it better to break up then (if she meets another man), when they have built up more of a life together?
but the main uncertainty is if it's actually "strong friendship" (bla bla) that she feels for you or love which even blanks out her husband. without that knowledge you're pretty much at 0 
*edit* some of the stuff i wrote is obsolete based on the comments that have been made while i wrote this down but still... take it as the perspective that i provide. cheers.
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If I were you I wouldn't quit my job (unless it sucks anyway), but I would distance myself from her. I don't think you can just pretend it never happened.
And stop it with that "stealing that guy's wife" shit. He is not forcing anything.
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On April 09 2009 23:53 KarlSberg~ wrote:Show nested quote +On April 09 2009 23:31 Elric wrote:
[...]
oh yeah as pretentious as i sound... im not pretending the above is any special advice.. everyone knows that stuff.. including Pop. I just wrote in that style to get the point across as bluntly as possible. :/ I agree 100% It might seem cynical but... it's just true.
I also agree. But if it doesn't work out in your favor, sometimes you just have to let go.
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5673 Posts
I'd walk away from this while you still can, Pop. She's not someone's date, or girlfriend, she's someone's wife, and she has a husband. There is a simplistic view a few posts up that if she has feelings for you her marriage is doomed and all sorts of rubbish like that. IF ONLY love was that simple, and you could know within an instance if someone was right for you or not.
To be fair, very few relationships are doomed from the outset, and putting yourself in a situation like this with a married woman is only going to end in hurt on all sides. You mentioned she is newly married, and that can contribute a lot to what she is feeling. Maybe she has commitment issues, and if so, these may well transfer in to your relationship, should you ever have one. Of course, she may have made a mistake in choosing a partner, and if so, you can hang around and wait till she decides she has.
However, putting yourself in the picture as a viable option before she chooses to be single is not helpful, even if you are looking at it solely from your point of view. Remember, she is married to this other dude, and until such a time as she isn't, you're always just going to be that other dude.
So um, whether you look at it from a moralistic point of view, or just think about it based on what you have to gain personally, the situation looks pretty grim anyway. If you're nuts about her, take steps to move away from being like that, and if she continues to flirt or make advances, sit her down (as someone said earlier) and ask her to be clear with you.
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