EPT[R] Woman issue... advices? - Page 2
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ichimarugin680
United States182 Posts
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lilpwnyIII
United States23 Posts
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JWD
United States12607 Posts
Here's my advice: you need to move on, as soon as possible. If that means you have to quit your job, then so be it (but try to avoid that, at least for a while). Unrequited love happens all the time, and it sucks hard. But you have to put aside your feelings for this woman for a moment and thing practically about what your future is like if you continue to pursue her. She's made it clear to you that, even if she was interested, she would not break off her marriage for you. So at this point, you have to be thinking that, even if you do "succeed" with her, the best you're going to get is an affair. And come on man, you are way better than that. What's more likely, though, is that this woman is committed to her marriage and, once she had some time to think about it, realized that she didn't want to throw away her married life for you. That fact hurts, but if you go into denial about it you won't get anywhere - in fact, you'll just waste even more of your time when you could be out finding another woman who will please you. That's my two cents: if you "succeed" with this woman, you still probably won't have her for yourself, and if you continue to pursue her but fail, you'll regret it later. Just do your best to pick yourself up and move on - at all costs. | ||
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Salv
Canada3083 Posts
I agree with JWD, I think it would be wise to just pursue other women and see what happens with time. She knows you're interested, let her make up her own mind. I think she has to see if it's just lust or love. Question; I am confused at these dates. Did you take this woman to the cafe on Monday and than expect a decision on the Tuesday? Or was that Tuesday three weeks afterwards. I ask because you wrote that it was three weeks ago. | ||
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ffswowsucks
Greece2294 Posts
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elpriceisright
United States42 Posts
Not your wife. Not your wife! | ||
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Ghardo
Germany1685 Posts
 or both | ||
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iCmB
France525 Posts
The worse thing that you should not do is to pressurize her and make her feel trapped. Here are the things i see from my point of view: You love her and she knows it but now she is trapped into a sort of dilemma. I think you made her feel very special (and women love THAT) and desirable at some point that her husband did not manage to. Thus, she is confused and now tries to do what she thinks is best for HER. Will she break a tangible commitment and place a bet on you? So let her go. Think about you. Think about what’s really best for you. You said that you would have not expected her to quit her husband right away. It is honourable but how long do you think that you can handle this situation? Could you stay gently weeks after weeks while she is living her doomed marriage? I can only foresee frustration which could lead to some unbearable situations (argument, anger, misery…). I don’t know you at all but I can tell you the most frequent mistakes that are made after this kind of situation are: more love declarations, sympathy gestures, to try to convince her with relevant (or not) point of view, to force her (sic!), to chase after her, to be satisfied with your “friendship”, to make concessions, to look desperate and the most important: lost yourself. You offer her your love and she “refused” it. You said you can not believe this quick twist of attitude from her. I think it is a good thing and prove she is a reasonable person. She preferred to stop something that she thinks she could not handle: adultery. Let’s imagine that your relationship went further. If she could not make her mind with her marriage, she will finished completely torn apart. And the risk of breaking with you is very, very high. You will be more devastated than today. Believe me. So the best thing to do right now is to move on. Try not to be friend with her because you will be constantly switched between hope and deception. It is not healthy at all. You will loose your mind. It will be fucking hard to remove her from your mind but you have to. Like Elric points out: force yourself into something else as sports (work out for example), hanging out with buddies. If you can afford quitting your job, do it. It is the best way to heal. It will take weeks, months but you will be ready for another (healthier) relationship. Well, it is just common sense and i understand that you need advices from others. However i truly and deeply believe that you already knew all that and what to do. You just need confirmations, right? Take care of yourself and wish you all the luck to get better. Regards. | ||
Emlary
China3334 Posts
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MoltkeWarding
5195 Posts
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PoP
France15446 Posts
First of all, since many of you are wondering, she told me several times that she does love her husband. It's not like she wants to stay with him only because they're married or something. Now that's been said, I must say I couldn't imagine myself being married and thinking about someone else most of the time without asking myself serious questions such as what my real feelings for my wife/husband are, and whether I'm really happy. I see most of you advise me to forget about her, and that's more or less what I expected. That might very well be the best option in the long run... but I still want to try a different approach first, only because losing such a great friendship (that's what it is before anything else) would be a huge loss for both of us. Trying to remain friends may be impossible and/or painful, but this is what she wants (I asked her) and what I believe we should try and do first. It may sound naive, and it most likely will fail, but if we both try to focus our "emotional brain" elsewhere (her to her husband, myself to other women... if I can), there's a slight chance we both manage to eventually move on, while retaining that friendship. If I'm speaking about quitting my job, that's because it's basically impossible not to think about her if I don't. We're often having lunch with the whole team, and our respective jobs make us interact with each other on a daily basis. That means if I do have to "let her go" in the end, resigning would be the only possible option. I know it's not a great time at all to do so, plus there's the fact I really like my job (and everything that goes with it), but I do have enough resources to take a few months off if necessary (and I will probably have to anyway if I cut every part of my relationship with that woman), and I don't see any other "let go of her" solution. In any case, I think I'm screwed for a while: 1. I know I probably won't end up with her now; 2. I haven't been able to feel anything for any other woman since I know her, simply because she's 100% my ideal woman (and I told her). Actually it's like my video games experience after I discovered Starcraft. I basically stopped playing any other game because they all suddenly didn't seem interesting anymore. And that's since 1998. Even when I stopped playing SC for more than a year, I still didn't find interest in any other video game, simply because I was unconsciously comparing them to it. And that's exactly what's happening and will keep happening for a long while between me and other women. I doubt there's any way out of it, and if there is it will take years. And that sucks. :/ | ||
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paper
13196 Posts
sort of like sc2 from sc! (bad example) | ||
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sashkata
Bulgaria3241 Posts
Best of luck! | ||
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milkshake87
United States26 Posts
What she might have wanted was to have a little fun and 'risque' relationship with you. For whatever reason she felt her marriage was really being put on the table and, even though she liked you, she wouldn't trade that. As long as you don't pressure her marriage, you can probably still hook up with her. It is still a dangerous business but that might be half the fun. devil's advocate, sure, but at least 50-60% of married couples (who get divorced) in the US agree with me, in word or action. | ||
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FreeZEternal
Korea (South)3396 Posts
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PoP
France15446 Posts
On April 10 2009 00:39 Salv wrote: Question; I am confused at these dates. Did you take this woman to the cafe on Monday and than expect a decision on the Tuesday? Or was that Tuesday three weeks afterwards. I ask because you wrote that it was three weeks ago. Missed that question. It was indeed the following day, but I obviously didn't expect a decision by then. I just hoped a "I need some time to think about it" kind of reaction--probably that was too optimistic of me. | ||
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inReacH
Sweden1612 Posts
DONT be the reason it falls apart though. You have like 50% odds that it won't go the distance and considering she is having strong feelings for other people already that's at least another 5%.. Again don't actively be the reason it fails though... just wait it out. | ||
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JWD
United States12607 Posts
On April 10 2009 03:23 inReacH wrote: Quit your job if you have to.. create distance and when you feel comfortable try to be her friend/stay in contact until her marriage falls apart.. DONT be the reason it falls apart though. You have like 50% odds that it won't go the distance and considering she is having strong feelings for other people already that's at least another 5%.. Again don't actively be the reason it fails though... just wait it out. This is awful advice. You do not want to "wait out" a marriage! You could spend 10, 15, 20 years sitting around, maintaining your valued "friendship" with this woman, and wishing you were with her. That would be a waste of your affections and your life. I know this is hard PoP, but you need to move on. On April 10 2009 02:24 PoP wrote: I see most of you advise me to forget about her, and that's more or less what I expected. That might very well be the best option in the long run... but I still want to try a different approach first, only because losing such a great friendship (that's what it is before anything else) would be a huge loss for both of us. Trying to remain friends may be impossible and/or painful, but this is what she wants (I asked her) and what I believe we should try and do first. It may sound naive, and it most likely will fail, but if we both try to focus our "emotional brain" elsewhere (her to her husband, myself to other women... if I can), there's a slight chance we both manage to eventually move on, while retaining that friendship. There's no way a friendship will work - and you know it. When a guy says "losing a huge friendship would be a loss for both of us", what he really means is "I'm totally in love with this girl, and I'm going to keep pursuing her under the pretense of preserving our friendship". This woman might genuinely value your friendship, but you need to put yourself first - if maintaining that friendship is going to drive you nuts and prevent you from getting over her (it is), then you shouldn't. This woman has made her position really, really clear - she's married, in love with her husband, and not interested in a romantic relationship with you. Now you have to do whatever it takes to accept that as fact and get on with your life. That probably means abandoning the idea of a friendship. From the beginning you never wanted this woman as just a friend...and you definitely won't be able to shake those desires now. Good luck. It's going to be really tough, but if you move on now you will be much happier a year down the line. Trust me, I've been there. | ||
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Rayzorblade
United States1172 Posts
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Boblion
France8043 Posts
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