I am a bit of a delusional guy, like thinking that things will happen to me, whilst they clearly will not.
I always imagine that people are going to invite me to some sexual adventures, and that I will perform well if it happened, and show them the best times of their life.
Let us be less deviant here, I also always imagine people praising me or getting in an argument with me, I do not know why.
I like to wait for things to happen, which usually leads to nothing happening, like ever.
I also have a craving for conversations, but then I also try to find an escape route as they are happening, to them just want them again straight away.
Let us get back to the main point, being delusional.
It is a weird a combination of things, thinking that the universe’s stars will align to have you get the destiny you are dreaming of.
I think that a girl will magically fall in love with me, telling me straight away, being attracted to me as if I was a bright candle in a summer night and she would be a desperate moth, whilst the opposite is always happening, I am the moth they are the far away stars I want to reach.
I hope that just not eating too much will have me lose weight, and even that a couple push ups every weeks will give me the great body I have always been delusionally thinking I could one day have.
My biggest delusion, and this one is going to hurt, is to be a great lover. I have this very weird fantasy of my first time with a girl leading her to the best experience of her life, and me magically pleasuring her with my, pathetically, small pecker, and my, aggravating, inexperience, and the, ever proving to be true, permanent mediocrity at anything especially something physical.
I am also some kind of people please, and I always try to avoid contact (I know, I said a few lines above that I am imagining people picking up an argument with me… delusion, I tell you, delusion).
As a result I have started imagining being in a polyamory or an open relationship with a partner, just to avoid them cheating on me (I know, it is still technically possible to break boundaries in those relationships). Just as if, them having a chance to sleep with anyone, would keep them close to me, they would be satisfy with our shitty sex life, rather than the great ones, of some guys better in every single aspect than me.
This delusion adds another layer, implying I could handle the jealousy and anxiety of knowing my partner sleeps with anyone, or could leave me one day for something better, how does that not clash, in my mind, with the constant quest for validation and “hero” status I am always chasing in every single situation in my life, I could tell you that I do not know, but the truth resides in one word… delusion.
Another delusion to that one, how could I even find a partner wanting to open a relationship with me, and how could I even find other people to add to this open relationship. I already do not have a single relationship, how could I have multiple one, knowing that most people are not on board with trying this type of stuff… Delusion.
I have read recently about what would probably happen with me, that girl is opening her relationship with her partner, and the guy opens with “I am in an open relationship”, and he does not get any girl at all, that would probably be me, hell even this kind of opening is exactly what I was thinking to open with, if I were to be in a hypothetically open relationship.
I think about my weight a lot, I am not supposed to be overweight if we believe the easy to follow cm = kg ratio. But I still look fat, I have a belly, I have man boobs, I am fat, my belly is not just a small pouch, I can grab the fat with my two hands, and there is still some extra fat to it.
But, my delusion is keeping the dream of losing weight, magically with only a calories counted diet and no exercise, alive.
I have the delusion that, no one is ever going to mock my penis, it has happened to multiple people online, but for some reason I want to believe that I will be enough. It is bad, it is the joke size people mention in stand up comedy, it is the kind of size you have a hard time finding condoms for, it is the size, you had to bring your own any where, because at a sex party, a club, or a girl carrying some with her condoms, would all be too large for it.
It is a great source of shame, and it is really weird thinking that it will probably not getting any lustful attention on its own, like ho well, another trait that will need everything else around to be nice, for it to be worth anything.
You may know my username as the poetry guy, I write wrong sounding Sonnets, with a 90% of the time, edgy angry moody teenager theme in it.
I had a few answers about them, but it feels a bit lonely, my attention whoring seeking syndrome is always thinking, do anyone really like them, why is no one trying to understand them or give me their interpretations of it.
I got a friend telling me he likes them, but he does not say what he likes in them, and we never discuss them either.
I have an imposter syndrome, and I think people only say good things about me and my work, and my work (not a repetition, job, and poetry), just because they know I am lonely, a weirdo, and look sad all the time, so they praise me to have me feel food about myself.
I have never taken any critic about my poetry in a genuine manner, ever, and I do not think it will ever happen, is that another delusion? Wanting praise, but knowing you will never accept it, especially if it comes after some kind of hidden begging, like I have just did so far.
Another delusion about writing, I have this weird idea that I could write something good, this blog is an example of it. I have been reading some lit magazine at work lately, and I want to make myself believe that I, too, could write something worthy of attention and waking up feelings, something people would read and say, and think, “I like this”. While I know full well, this is just a vent, rant, random thoughts thrown together. Hell, I never proof read what I write, I never re write, I never do any of the work, I expect it to be good from the first draft, delusion.
For anyone whom as read so far, most of it were lies, most of my poetry are lies, the only truth is me being an attention seeking fiend, the rest is exaggerated bunch of half lies, half truth, the only other truth is that I have a very small amount of friends, and I talk only to my online one, and most of what I told them are lies too, or is that the only lie there, and everything is true… I think we both know the obvious answer, a shitty writer does not have imagination enough.
Thanks for reading, apologize for having you lose your time.