It's like the older I get, the easier it gets, because the less I give a damn.
I wake up next to a girl one night and I ask myself, what the hell am I doing here?
Then I ask myself, what the hell is she doing here?
Does she even know? It's too late for me to fall in love. So it's too late for her. But she doesn't know, she's smiling in her sleep.
So I go back to sleep. But it doesn't get better. When I wake up, I ask myself, what the hell are these people doing here?
From the slides I make, I can see it now: in six months, I'll be translating in a conference room with two Fortune 100 CEOs, the kind that get invited to Trump Tower and Davos, and I don't think the two men will be able to actually understand each other. Even if they spoke the same language, I don't think they ever could.
You have on one side a man who grew up in a middle class household, who went to an average school and worked as a sales engineer and then rose through the ranks of selling hardware. Along the way he became close friends with a powerful Southern family, the Wilkeses reborn with spectrum and fiber optics in lieu of cotton and tobacco, and from that, he ruled the South. He delivered; he met his numbers and then some, then ascended into global head of sales, then the big seat upstairs.
His counterpart... well, let me tell you a story. When he was starting his company, he used to spend his days fluffing his product and making up numbers to raise money, and then spent his nights playing dozens of different beautiful women, sexting random men on his chat platform to increase user retention. But this was because he had to, not because he wanted to. He was eating ramen all the time, no money unless he had users, no girlfriend unless he had money (unless you counted random guys jerking off to his sexts), sleeping in a shared room, and listening to his friends make money or emigrate abroad. He was an entrepreneur before it was cool, before that thick safety net of EIR jobs and startup consultancies came into being.
You wanna talk grit? This guy has it in spades. But that's all he has, because the rest of his soul dissolved in a 55 gallon acid bath, the kind the cartels use when you're not important enough for your decapitated head to send a message.
But somehow, there will be a connection. I will paint that connection out of money, the universal solvent, the only reason why our skull-trapped primate neural nets have a reason to interact with smiles instead of fists. And just like that, we're smiling, we're shaking hands, high fives... I'll even get a selfie to remember this moment by. I'll drop the selfie on my personal altar to myself social media account and drown in the likes and finally feel good for a moment... hah, fat chance.
I used to think it took something special to do something big. Now I know all it takes is knowing the email address of someone with power who wants to look good. You feed them the idea and they take the credit, but hey, at least you did something. You made an impact, here's your thank you note and thank you check printed with your yearly allotment of good boy points that you can spend at your choice of 21st century Stakhanovite villages spread along islands that will soon vanish beneath the ocean. I'm going to be miles away from that room. Who cares.
Now I'm learning what it feels like to spend quiet evenings by choice, finding out what it feels like to say no to a trio of girls who want my time. One girl likes me so much, she cleaned my apartment, and she's talked about asking her uncle to extend the family business here so she can get a specialist visa. The other makes me breakfast every time I come over and rims me too. That's new. The third, she's a comp sci engineer and she dresses way too hard so I know I can roll her easy into the sack, but I don't even feel the urge to do so. What's happened? What's happening? The hell?
Is it just because they think they can change me, or because they don't know me? They don't know how deep it cut to give everything into a relationship and lose it all when you were supposed to be celebrating an engagement? That the wounds have healed but the pain remains, that the Katy Perry song you were hearing is the first song I don't reflexively associate with those big brown eyes I met on an airplane? Or am I just that good at hiding it beneath the Ethan Hunt grin I wear fourteen hours a day?
My coworkers and friends say they can see the convertible I've been thinking about in the reflection of my designer sunglasses, but do they know that my ex bought them and the only reason I wear them is because I need something to hide the tears when certain songs play on the radio?
But I like them all, like spending time with them, and hey, I have a positive savings account and girls on speed dial. Then I realize, shit I've always been like this, that at my moment of deepest pain four years ago, when I was trying to forget Banker Girl, I was still grinning and having them come in pairs and learning they flipped coins to decide who got to spend the night.
Airplane Girl used to tell me that I wasn't on the right track, but now I think I am. The beat is fast and the floor moves beneath me and all my dance partners are pretty, rich, or both. I should be happy, happy to be chained to the rhythm.
But ask me that, honestly?
I have no idea.
Samsara baby, but at least I seem to be spiraling up?
On March 29 2017 18:13 bo1b wrote: Another blog post from someone who seems incredibly good at creating a cynical side to hide the complete lack of anything worthwhile inside.
On March 29 2017 18:13 bo1b wrote: Another blog post from someone who seems incredibly good at creating a cynical side to hide the complete lack of anything worthwhile inside.
jeeeesus alert the burn unit.
Ahaha at least he said I'm good at something right... right?
I know you, I know you. You're the only serious person in the room, aren't you, the only one who understands, and you can prove it by the fact that you've never finished a single thing in your life. You're the only well-educated person, because you never went to college, and you resent education, you resent social ease, you resent good manners, you resent success, you resent any kind of success, you resent God, you resent Christ, you resent thousand-dollar bills, you resent Christmas, by God, you resent happiness, you resent happiness itself, because none of that's real. What is real, then? Nothing's real to you that isn't part of your own past, real life, a swamp of failures, of social, sexual, financial, personal...spiritual failure. Real life. You poor bastard. You don't know what real life is, you've never been near it. All you have is a thousand intellectualized ideas about life. But life? Have you ever measured yourself against anything but your own lousy past? Have you ever faced anything outside yourself? Life! You poor bastard.
On March 31 2017 02:05 Carnivorous Sheep wrote: I know you, I know you. You're the only serious person in the room, aren't you, the only one who understands, and you can prove it by the fact that you've never finished a single thing in your life. You're the only well-educated person, because you never went to college, and you resent education, you resent social ease, you resent good manners, you resent success, you resent any kind of success, you resent God, you resent Christ, you resent thousand-dollar bills, you resent Christmas, by God, you resent happiness, you resent happiness itself, because none of that's real. What is real, then? Nothing's real to you that isn't part of your own past, real life, a swamp of failures, of social, sexual, financial, personal...spiritual failure. Real life. You poor bastard. You don't know what real life is, you've never been near it. All you have is a thousand intellectualized ideas about life. But life? Have you ever measured yourself against anything but your own lousy past? Have you ever faced anything outside yourself? Life! You poor bastard.
Anyone who puts phpbb code to align the formatting with the original earns points in my book.
In all honesty though, I'll probably get back to fiction in a month or so
Sounds like you're still hung up on the past and can't move on. Definitely not a good thing. My advice is to take a small break from everything and just relax.
On April 02 2017 10:27 BigFan wrote: Sounds like you're still hung up on the past and can't move on. Definitely not a good thing. My advice is to take a small break from everything and just relax.
You're right. Could you share anything that's worked for you (or those you know) in a similar situation?
I'd recommend travelling. Go to some place that is completely different from your own culture. I went to India for 2 months and stayed at a buddhist temple. When I got back to Sweden I had a different outlook on life. Way more positive, brave, inspired and accepting of others. Might be worth a shot. Seems like you got the money to travel.
I doubt you're on the 'right' track, even if one did exist. It all seems pretty vacuous and self-obsessed. Congrats on the money and girls I guess, but you sound lost.
On April 04 2017 02:27 Naugrim wrote: I'd recommend travelling. Go to some place that is completely different from your own culture. I went to India for 2 months and stayed at a buddhist temple. When I got back to Sweden I had a different outlook on life. Way more positive, brave, inspired and accepting of others. Might be worth a shot. Seems like you got the money to travel.
Great idea and thank you for the inspiration - just booked a week stay in the Maldives to decompress. Going to pack a good book and a bottle of Dugat-Py.
On April 04 2017 02:27 Naugrim wrote: I'd recommend travelling. Go to some place that is completely different from your own culture. I went to India for 2 months and stayed at a buddhist temple. When I got back to Sweden I had a different outlook on life. Way more positive, brave, inspired and accepting of others. Might be worth a shot. Seems like you got the money to travel.
Great idea and thank you for the inspiration - just booked a week stay in the Maldives to decompress. Going to pack a good book and a bottle of Dugat-Py.
good idea, a vacation will definitely help you out. I don't know if a week is enough, however, it's all about changing the environment. Don't think about work or anything else, just focus on having fun within moderation lol.
On April 04 2017 02:27 Naugrim wrote: I'd recommend travelling. Go to some place that is completely different from your own culture. I went to India for 2 months and stayed at a buddhist temple. When I got back to Sweden I had a different outlook on life. Way more positive, brave, inspired and accepting of others. Might be worth a shot. Seems like you got the money to travel.
Great idea and thank you for the inspiration - just booked a week stay in the Maldives to decompress. Going to pack a good book and a bottle of Dugat-Py.
good idea, a vacation will definitely help you out. I don't know if a week is enough, however, it's all about changing the environment. Don't think about work or anything else, just focus on having fun within moderation lol.
Hogwash. No matter where you go, you'll always be stuck with yourself. A change of scenery might get you out of your usual haunts or away from places that spark memories and longing within you, but when you pack your suitcase your whole history comes with you. Moving doesn't change who you are. Same asshole, different scenery.
On April 04 2017 02:27 Naugrim wrote: I'd recommend travelling. Go to some place that is completely different from your own culture. I went to India for 2 months and stayed at a buddhist temple. When I got back to Sweden I had a different outlook on life. Way more positive, brave, inspired and accepting of others. Might be worth a shot. Seems like you got the money to travel.
Great idea and thank you for the inspiration - just booked a week stay in the Maldives to decompress. Going to pack a good book and a bottle of Dugat-Py.
What an inspired choice -.- That's not quite what he meant... Drinking some fancy wine and getting a tan for a week on some tourist islands will not shake up your outlook one iota.
On April 04 2017 02:27 Naugrim wrote: I'd recommend travelling. Go to some place that is completely different from your own culture. I went to India for 2 months and stayed at a buddhist temple. When I got back to Sweden I had a different outlook on life. Way more positive, brave, inspired and accepting of others. Might be worth a shot. Seems like you got the money to travel.
Great idea and thank you for the inspiration - just booked a week stay in the Maldives to decompress. Going to pack a good book and a bottle of Dugat-Py.
good idea, a vacation will definitely help you out. I don't know if a week is enough, however, it's all about changing the environment. Don't think about work or anything else, just focus on having fun within moderation lol.
Hogwash. No matter where you go, you'll always be stuck with yourself. A change of scenery might get you out of your usual haunts or away from places that spark memories and longing within you, but when you pack your suitcase your whole history comes with you. Moving doesn't change who you are. Same asshole, different scenery.
Mm. Maybe I'll meet someone on the plane who puts me out of asshole mode.
In all honesty though, im not done deprogramming yet. It still surprises me how much I internalized her materialism.
On April 04 2017 02:27 Naugrim wrote: I'd recommend travelling. Go to some place that is completely different from your own culture. I went to India for 2 months and stayed at a buddhist temple. When I got back to Sweden I had a different outlook on life. Way more positive, brave, inspired and accepting of others. Might be worth a shot. Seems like you got the money to travel.
Great idea and thank you for the inspiration - just booked a week stay in the Maldives to decompress. Going to pack a good book and a bottle of Dugat-Py.
good idea, a vacation will definitely help you out. I don't know if a week is enough, however, it's all about changing the environment. Don't think about work or anything else, just focus on having fun within moderation lol.
Hogwash. No matter where you go, you'll always be stuck with yourself. A change of scenery might get you out of your usual haunts or away from places that spark memories and longing within you, but when you pack your suitcase your whole history comes with you. Moving doesn't change who you are. Same asshole, different scenery.
Mm. Maybe I'll meet someone on the plane who puts me out of asshole mode.
In all honesty though, im not done deprogramming yet. It still surprises me how much I internalized her materialism.
Don't rely on or blame others for work that you need to do on yourself. You are who you are because of choices that you made, your predispositions and your willingness or lack thereof in allowing certain cognitive processes, habits, and values to permeate the membrane of the self and become a part of you.
On April 04 2017 02:27 Naugrim wrote: I'd recommend travelling. Go to some place that is completely different from your own culture. I went to India for 2 months and stayed at a buddhist temple. When I got back to Sweden I had a different outlook on life. Way more positive, brave, inspired and accepting of others. Might be worth a shot. Seems like you got the money to travel.
Great idea and thank you for the inspiration - just booked a week stay in the Maldives to decompress. Going to pack a good book and a bottle of Dugat-Py.
good idea, a vacation will definitely help you out. I don't know if a week is enough, however, it's all about changing the environment. Don't think about work or anything else, just focus on having fun within moderation lol.
Hogwash. No matter where you go, you'll always be stuck with yourself. A change of scenery might get you out of your usual haunts or away from places that spark memories and longing within you, but when you pack your suitcase your whole history comes with you. Moving doesn't change who you are. Same asshole, different scenery.
Mm. Maybe I'll meet someone on the plane who puts me out of asshole mode.
In all honesty though, im not done deprogramming yet. It still surprises me how much I internalized her materialism.
Don't rely on or blame others for work that you need to do on yourself. You are who you are because of choices that you made, your predispositions and your willingness or lack thereof in allowing certain cognitive processes, habits, and values to permeate the membrane of the self and become a part of you.
EPT
