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It's obvious what's missing from the OP's life but most of the readers here are too young to see.
Op has a wife and is materially fine. So op just needs a child.
Opisska, you just need a child, mate. I was in the exact same position you're describing before my daughter was conceived. I was fooling around with my then to be wife, traveling places, having money to spend (I still am fine with finance, that's not the point). But still I wasn't quite happy, like a piece was missing. I never thought the piece was a child. But when she was born that night on 23 Nov 2009 and I saw her on the morning after, so pink and gentle, defenseless yet all - powerful and ruling as far as I was concerned, it all became clear. She was perfect, she made my life have a real goal, to make her happy, to see her grow up, to support and weep for her, to keep her from harm when possible.
I really think you need a child too.
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Thanks guys, that was some nice reading and food for thoughts. I don't think my life can be solved in a TL blog and that was not really the goal of it - I always feel a little bit sorry when I write something that I just have on my mind and people start giving me solid, well thought opinions - oh my, they invested they time and effort just because I felt like telling someone how I feel. That'something awesome.
I don't think the solution is anything along the lines of "work more". You may thing otherwise, but you just don't know me. I should have made that more clear, but in genral doing anything that requires some effort for a longer time has been always a problem for me. People who are able to just go to work 40 hours a week and focusedly do something, whatever that something is, have my deepest admiration, as I could never do that, I find it really physcially impossible. I am not denying that this is a big bart of the picture - I could probably be happier doing something fulfilling, however I don't have the power to do that, because it's too demanding. And these are not excuses, I have been trying and fighting the laziness for all my life and what I get now is the current battle line of twenty years struggle, I can't magically move it forward, the trenches are full and guarded.
I am very sceptical of therapists. It may sound self-centered and delusional, but my mind is pretty different from other people, moreover I am really bad at formulating my inner thoughts, I just don't see it very likely someone would really understand me (I actually used to see a therapist many years ago, when I was like 18, but it was not really worth it).
In general, I see it quite unlikely that I can just magically talk my way out of everything, that someone has the magic pill waitnig for me. Some responses have suggested things that can be boiled down to "be alone with yourself". That's something I started to really experience more in the last years when I started to watch birds intensely. Sometimes, I go with my wife or even with friends (most of them are not very into it though) and there is in general the social aspect of the "competitive birding" (I promise I make the next blog about that, TL is gonna love the concept), but a lot of time I just spend alone in the nature. This has proven to be a double-edged sword - I really like being out there with the living things, however these are exactly the moments when my mind has all the time in the world to wander and to start judging my life. And I pragmatically know that my life is pretty good, yet it doesn't really help.
The child thing, though, that's a scary thought. The scariest thing about it is that it may be the right one, but a child is something that requires constant work, attention, schedule, 24/7 ... exactly the things I suck the most at - as it is now, my sucking just makes me sad, but putting a life of a human being on line? An interesting side thought, though - my wife does not want children either (she is the one who would be always strongly against it, I sometimes tease her with contemplating having children and she becomes furious) and she is not very happy either, we are actually shockingly similar in much of what I have said here (however one might say that here problems are more "real" as she is seing a psychiatrist, taking anti-depressants and stuff).
Whatever, this short reply has become another wall of text about myself, a person you don't know and shouldn't really give a shit about, but since writing it down makes it easier for me to think about it and you basically ask for it by responding in such a provking manner, here you have it.
Peace.
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Japan11286 Posts
On July 14 2015 16:10 JieXian wrote:Show nested quote +On July 14 2015 15:56 c3rberUs wrote:Having freedom and lots of time is not happiness. I had a really good dose of freedom and time last week (class cancellations due storms) but I felt as bored as fuck. When you're doing something with your time and freedom, I think that's when you'll be happy. You should occupy yourself more.  What catches me though is that you say you have hobbies/passions and yet you spend most of your time on the net. Are your hobbies related to the net somehow? quite naturally we are all from TL
I was thinking he had some other hobbies. Like I don't know... playing chess or whatever. But yes, that part is quite natural. haha
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Just some thoughts if mine.
I am in a similar position, I have mostly everything I could need materially, have an amazing girlfriend, healthy, a caring family, etc. I too however don't have many close friends, and I've tried before... And if I'm trying, I can meet some people, and build friendships. However, it's too exhausting for me to do, and I often go between doing my own thing, and focusing more on social aspects of life.
I think what's happening to you is good, because you at a relatively young age (I assume), have been able to learn what importance money plays. Yes, it makes you happy to an extent, but you also get to see what it can't do. My dad is much like this, but to a much greater extent. He has actually become like "we don't need cable", we don't need this and that, etc. It's all just distractions. I know this sounds really spiritual and whatever (I'm far from being religious), but you need to look inside yourself, and figure out for you, what life is about. Imo, it's not being on facebook being "social", being a part of a sports team, working up the corporate ladder, etc. To be "happy" (I don't think this is the right word to use, nobody can always be happy, just satisfied with what they're doing, or like someone else in this thread put, doing the right thing), you need to figure out what you believe your purpose is.
This requires looking at things philosophically, my dad has started reading astrology books, chinese medicine books, and other things that most people here would think are kind of crazy. But once you find a purpose, or a sense of belonging in whatever you want to do, you will find satisfaction... Even though you might not be happy with doing all the time.
For example, if your philosophy is that life happened by accident, and there is absolutely no purpose or meaning in what we do... Nothing matters, so who cares what I do, I'll just do what's easiest. And I think that's why such a large portion of society doing stuff like you for example. That's why religion was/is such a powerful tool, because if you believe that your purpose is to make your god(s) happy, you have a clear direction of what the purpose of your life is, and how well you are fulfilling it.
It all depends on your philosophy, hence why I'm being so broad, instead of giving you specific advice. For example, maybe you believe that starting new life, and sharing all your wisdom with them is all that matters, then then having a child may be a good option, which would also involve you working hard and making a lot of money to make their life as good as possible. Maybe you want to have a legacy, maybe you want to be the best in the world as something, maybe you want to be famous, maybe you believe the way to live life is to use the smallest effort possible while having your necessities met, maybe it's to learn about the world (whether that's science, animals, history, astrology, consciousness, etc), help others, and so on.
So to sum it up, you must figure out what YOU believe matters in this world, doesn't matter what anyone says. And that's what you should do. That's why they tell you it doesn't matter what you do, so long as you enjoy it. That's why a person gains more satisfaction of putting up with a lot of bullshit from their partners, the time, the money, all the lost opportunity... To hear I love you, and to know they matter - It's obviously not to get laid.
Knowing you are living your life right is what will make you happy. Figure that out.
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I'm going to woods for a hike today in order to regain balance.
Let me tell you if it worked afterwards.
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I think you need to describe what you mean by "happy". But even so, as someone else said, you don't find happiness by searching for it. You also need to stop judging your life tbh, as by doing so you will only think of what you don't have or do in your life, while what you live on a day-to-day basis is what you have or do. Also, some questions :
-Do you do sports?
-Do you meditate?
-Do you drink (with friends, ofc)?
-Do you play music?
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FiWiFaKi: nice post. Yes, I am a relatively convinced atheist - I am certianly unsellable on any "religion with a story", I think these things are pretty absurd. I don't really feel the need to have a greater goal though, it seems to me a little silly when people construct a structre that suddenly makes something in the world overly important, because hey, what if they are just wrong? If anything matters to me beyond my own well-being, it's that of the other people, but yeah, I am again too lazy to really work for a charity or something (call me a bad person if you wish), so at least I try not to harm anyone and I do some essentially free talking about science to people, because that's what I do well and people seem to enjoy that. But I fully agree that teveryone needs to figure it out for himself. The only difficutl thing is to manage to do it within one lifetime, I guess (and I am not that very young anymore, 33).
OW: I like to hike and trek, but that's not something I would do weekly (I live in a rather boring place for that). I play volleyball for many years once a week, becasue my friend organises it, occasionally a play beach volley, but it requires the effort to collect the players ... you know. I do not medidate, I am not even sure what that really means. I drink very rarely, only with friends (I have never ever drunk alcohol alone in my life). I don't play music, I can't hear harmony and am again lazy to put in consistent training (but really, I have one of the worst musical hearing abilities I have ever seen).
But all these things seem like just details, I am not really sure that any of this can really unroot the general feeling of dissatisfaction as long as I don't know where the feeling comes from.
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Even since you mentioned that you don't like therapists, i would highly suggest you to try it once again, even if you had a bad experience in your teens.
A lot of what you mention sounds (to me, with only a very basic background in psychology) like symptoms of a depression. Which is usually a pretty treatable disease, but a lot of people simply don't accept that it is actually a disease, because it just "makes you a bit sad and unhappy". Seeing a therapist is also not a sign of weakness, or anything along those lines. Neither will they give you the "magical pill" to figure your problems out. The job of a therapist is pretty much exactly what you tried to find in this thread, helping you find ways to figure your problem out and solve it, except that he is a professional who spends time to get to know your problem instead of a bunch of random dudes on the internet who try to diagnose you from half a page of text without any knowledge beyond what makes them happy.
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Maybe you are right, maybe not.I am not condescending towards the notion of a depression as a medical condtion, as I have mentioned, my wife suffers from it, sees professinals and takes anti-depressants. She is not very thrilled from the therapy itself, but the pills seem to have some effect. However this really is a medical conditions and the pills just help to establish a balance of neurotransmitters. Honestly, I would be almost glad to have clinical depression, because that is a realtively clear problem with relatively clear solutions (even though the pills don't work all the time and even the doctors are not very sure about the details). But from knowing some people with real depression (including my wife, with whom I have lived throug 13 years of it), I am not very inclined to think that I suffer from it.
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HEY! I'm not the only birder on tl!! wish I could do more in europe, I've barely been
find other birders where you live! in the usa the birdwatching community is the friendliest, most welcoming group I've ever been acquainted with. in europe you get more of the crazy twitchers but the majority are still awesome people! there is much more to social birding than competitiveness (which isn't bad to begin with)
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On July 14 2015 22:32 catplanetcatplanet wrote:HEY! I'm not the only birder on tl!! wish I could do more in europe, I've barely been find other birders where you live! in the usa the birdwatching community is the friendliest, most welcoming group I've ever been acquainted with. in europe you get more of the crazy twitchers but the majority are still awesome people! there is much more to social birding than competitiveness (which isn't bad to begin with)
HEY! I'm not the only birder on TL ))
I fully agree, there are some fine people in birding, unfortunately there are also some weird ones. The Czech community is not the most welcoming one, is full of "experts" and "professionals" who consider anyone else but them seeing birds an unnecesarry disruption of wildlife (alfter all, they have already seen the bird, so it's documented), so there is a lot of secretivness and whatnot. But I tend to ignore those or straight laugh at them and they can't take the nature from me (at least not outside natural reserves ...). The nice part is when a rarity occurs somewhere and you come there and meet the same old bunch of people from all over the country, have some friendly banter and such.
I wish I can do more of the U.S.! Been there twice on a work trip, the second one to San Diego (the actual destination was Ensenada in Mexico) was super great, I went to some lagoons at the seashore and saw Pelicans, Sandpipers, Avocets, Terns and much more, there is really a lot to see in the U.S. with the varied habitats, after all it is a pretty huge country!
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I think you're a little too hard on yourself. Reading TL is not a bad habit compared to, let's say a Meth addiction. Everything is relative, it all comes down to your frame of mind in my opinion. Being a grown up with a job and a partner absolutely gets old. You sound like you're doing just fine but maybe stop focusing so much on yourself and look to your wife and/or others, maybe that will make you happy knowing you did something nice for them.
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1 thing about using the word "fucking" in the way you do.
i am not against swearing for any kind of religious reasons.
i am against using words that do not have a precise meaning. when u speak with words that have no precise meaning repeatedly... it hampers your ability to think clearly.
i've experimented myself with not swearing at all for 2 weeks... and then a month later trying swearing constantly and just letting my mind go. given those 2 extremes i'd choose to never swear.
precision speaking encourages precision thinking
imprecise, lazy speaking contributes to imprecise, lazy thinking
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On July 14 2015 19:20 OtherWorld wrote:
-Do you do sports?
-Do you meditate?
-Do you drink (with friends, ofc)?
-Do you play music?
YES
YES
YES
YES
You picked all things that i do regulary. Why then am i so noob at BW?
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On July 15 2015 02:13 pebble444 wrote:Show nested quote +On July 14 2015 19:20 OtherWorld wrote:
-Do you do sports?
-Do you meditate?
-Do you drink (with friends, ofc)?
-Do you play music? YES YES YES YES You picked all things that i do regulary. Why then am i so noob at BW?
That's easy - with all these activities, there is now way you have enough time to properly practice BW.
Come play SC2
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Well the problem lies for me in the concept of happiness itself. Happiness is supposed to be a static state you reach when you have got stuff you wanted. A great wife, a great house, a car, holidays, a good job and then you are happy forever and then you die. That's all veeeery american, this mixture of materialism and utilitarianism, but I don't think we work that way.
I was in the same place than you, but it solved itself altogether the day I gave up on happiness. I don't believe anymore that life is about being happy. Creativity, movement, emotions, strong joys and strong sorrows, that makes an interesting life. The Mickey Mouse smile for ever and ever that society wants you to pursue is not that fulfilling, I believe.
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EPT
