Some people always tell me how amazing life I have and how they are jealous of it (mostly those who know it only superficially). I have an awesome wife and usually manage to spend 2-3 months a year abroad, both leisurely and "business" (meaning paid by the taxpayer). I get a reasonable income while not having to really do much, most importantly I don't have to sit somewhere every day 9-5 and get my soul eaten up, I have freedom and lots of time. I have some great hobbies and passions (SC2 included) and some friends that I meet from time to time and that travell sometimes with me and we have a blast. Materially I have absolutely everything I could wish for (even though many of you from the richer countries would consider me poor when confronted with the actual numbers), I am reasonably healthy (not the best, had some multi-weeks episodes of unease this year which turned out to be likely due to allergy, but I have it under control and got thoroughly check for other stuff in the process)
So how come I am not fucking happy? I am running out of ideas what to do differently. There used to be times when I longed for something and got sad because of that, but years ago I realized that this is easily solved by just getting up and doing whatever it takes to get it. I am not really longing for anything besides maybe having more close friends and more stuff to do with other people - but that's the hardest thing to manipulate and I am aware of that (everything that's not other people can be just bought by money and money I have) and I have somehow come to terms with that. But still, I am not happy.
I spend a lot of time just sitting behind my computer and reading nonsense online (TL included). It's a bad habit that I should probably try to break, but for what? Before I had internet, I would just sit at home and watch a wall, this is at least marginally better. The reason is that I just don't know what else to do a lot of the time - or that I should be working, so I should not go out, but I end up not working anyway, because I am too lazy, so I just read the shit online (because any working would happen on the computer anyway). I regret this "wasted" time, as my time on Earth is surely limited, but I don't really have the stamina to keep doing something interresting all the time, as anything to do requires some organisation, thinking, managing ... overall the things I hate to do. And I can never seem to find people who would just hang with me, or take me to do something, so everything I ever want to do usually needs to be form my intiative and that's just exhausting - and the most demanding part is coming up with ideas what exactly should I do.
Yeah, there's probably the root cause of many of my problems in life: I never really knew what exactly do I want. Many people have their lifes so planned out, it's unbelievable for me. I am pretty sure about things I do not want and I can avoid them, but that's about it. Add to this the fact that I don't really fit in a company easily, am not the easiest person to come along with and am pretty picky about people I want to spend time with and there is the recipe for unhappiness.
you should try dedicating 2 hours a day to reading, alone and away from the world. it's like hitting the gym, except it stretches your brain instead of your body. try to read aloud too, maybe find a retirement home and read books aloud to them? reading really helps though, trust me!
You could try getting second job doing something you're more passionate about, since you have the time. Getting reasonable income while not having to really do much sounds doesn't sound like very fulfilling work to me.
Or you could try doing drugs. That seems to work for a lot of people too.
Ever considered taking up a new hobby relating to your interests? Or perhaps volunteering for a good cause or contributing to a non-profit would be productive and fulfilling. If those and alternatives aren't working, might want to look into a therapist.
I can relate to your problems. I have felt like that many times and most certainly I will feel like this again some time in the future. You can't feel happy all the time, it's not an everlasting state of mind. However you can develop strategies to deal with unhappiness. Break your usual patterns. You already seem to have figured out some parts of the puzzle. You want to have more close friends to hang out with so try to be more open minded about other people. Try to open up more, I think a lot of people can relate to the feeling of craving something more. Your notion that "many people have their lives planned out" is just a superficial observation just like the people telling you that your life is amazing and that they're jealous. Try to find activities that you can do instead of staring into the web that allow you to meet new people but don't require you to motivate others all the time. For me it was things like going to the climbing gym, learning an instrument, going to concerts. Most importantly confront your emotions don't just numb them by distracting yourself. Allow yourself to feel pain so that you know the difference between content and indifference. You can't find happiness by constantly looking for it.
I feel you. I think some people are just this way. I can only talk about me, but I know I have a hard time being at peace with myself. My personal take on it is to just be happy with what you do, just reflect on what you have and just enjoy being alive. But yeah, this is probably the hardest part in life for some of us.
Happiness is needs. Needs of course are things you can not live without. Such as food, shelter, love, family. If these are being met, you will find happiness no matter what your life is like.
If you're needs aren't met, your feelings scale from needs to something else, such as shown in the picture. If you feel confused, you're lacking a need. If you feel like your needs are being met but are still unhappy, your priorities are mixed up.
i.e. I have lots of money, and I have all my needs being met; why am I sad? Am I living for money? Or living for my needs? If I rearrange my priorities to needs>money, then I shall find happiness. Where if, I have money>needs, money is driving your needs and you feel something else, such as confusion or sadness.
I used money in my example because it's a very popular factor in a lot of unhappiness. Even rich people who have everything including their needs being met, don't prioritize, or have money driving their needs, when it should be vice versa. Instead of money, you can say employment, or relationship/friendship, or sex, etc. Every example works the same way.
A lot of people don't realize they are angry, because their perspective of anger is surface anger. When your needs aren't met, this leads to different feelings than happiness, and eventually manifests into anger, sometimes without you even realizing it. Just because you aren't visibly angry doesn't mean deep down you are happy; typically this just means you have self-control. i.e. a lot of depressed people are angry. This will lead to a failure of prioritizing, and why people stay depressed, because they have anger driving their needs.
Some peoples and cultures believe that anything more than what you need is greed, and these cultures believe greed to be a mental illness. There is a difference from living a satisfying life via monetary gains/possessions and greed. It's important for you to decide where to draw the line.
Specifically for you, you may not be getting a basic need met and as a result you feel confusion or "I don't know what I want". If you're happy, what you want will come to you as you move through life. Being content is different, but some people are truly happy being content. From reading what you've said, you seem content, but are unhappy with this. I would recommend self-reflecting and writing down your own needs and seeing if you are actually meeting them. You can't build a structure without first having a strong foundation.
I believe you are angry, and the by-product is confusion/sadness. You just haven't realized it, and once you start thinking about your needs, you may discover what is causing your anger, and then you can start working backwards from your anger, and eventually finding happiness. I don't really know you, and I am judging you basically on what you've written, so take that with a hunk of salt.
An interesting and well done documentary you may want to watch is "I am" directed by Tom Shadyac (he is famous for ace ventura, Nutty Professor) - I believe it's on Netflix. He had everything he ever wanted, but after a serious bicycle accident, he became extremely depressed, so he decided to figure out why. Eventually he finds out that the less he has the happier he becomes;this coincides with my point that the more you work on getting your basic needs met, the happier you will become. It's also about a few other things, and I definitely think you would benefit from watching it.
Good luck, man. Currently in my life I am talking to a psychiatrist and taking anger management, so I thought I would provide some insight on the new tools and perspectives I've been taught. At the very least, you'll be more conscious of yourself, and may discover a type of anger you didn't understand.
I'm not currently talking to a psychiatrist (never have, and never will ever since they advocated releasing your anger a long time ago, which I knew was bullshit as a child). I think the post above me misses the point. I do not doubt your/his sincerity in trying to help, but you seem to be repeating what is said to you without a good understanding because you have anger problems yourself.
Happiness is not needs but a mindset, so is anger. Happiness is when you don't have any more needs/unfufilled expectations - wanting more or less is a mindset,
Think about how a boy can be the happiest boy in the world if you buy him a new Samsung phone because he has never seen a phone before while another boy might be angry you didn't buy him the latest Apple instead. Expectations.
Think about how some situations can make you angry while it doesn't affect others or vice versa. Our grandparents might not mind waiting for 10 secs for a page to load but some people from our generation is might get really angry. Expectations.
On July 14 2015 08:06 lohdon wrote:You can't find happiness by constantly looking for it.
This guy is giving good advice, I like it.
Be happy with what you already have, you already do have things well, and you don't have to lie to yourself about it at all since you know it's true.
"being happy is the hardest thing you will ever do", Nathaniel Branden. "we human beings are strange. if you gave a human being the choice between being `right` and being happy. Most human beings would rather be `right` ", Nathaniel Branden.
something the women in my life have taught me that is a valuable tool for creating happiness....journal-ing.
create a daily journal for little personal notes. journal for a few moments before u go to bed each night... or take an hour or two if you need it. when journaling take on this perspective : "what is good in my life" , " what in my life needs work"
as you journal... i recommend working through a book called "How To Raise Your Self Esteem" by the late Nathaniel Branden... its not an easy book to work through... but being happy is a tough task.
I'm not currently talking to a psychiatrist (never have, and never will ever since they advocated releasing your anger a long time ago, which I knew was bullshit as a child). I think the post above me misses the point. I do not doubt your/his sincerity in trying to help, but you seem to be repeating what is said to you without a good understanding because you have anger problems yourself.
Happiness is not needs but a mindset, so is anger. Happiness is when you don't have any more needs/unfufilled expectations - wanting more or less is a mindset,
Think about how a boy can be the happiest boy in the world if you buy him a new Samsung phone because he has never seen a phone before while another boy might be angry you didn't buy him the latest Apple instead. Expectations.
Think about how some situations can make you angry while it doesn't affect others or vice versa. Our grandparents might not mind waiting for 10 secs for a page to load but some people from our generation is might get really angry. Expectations.
On July 14 2015 06:56 opisska wrote: I spend a lot of time just sitting behind my computer and reading nonsense online (TL included). It's a bad habit that I should probably try to break, but for what?
unless u r a GM player discussing strats to move up to become a paid pro TL.Net time should be regarded as pure entertainment time... if u're on here to get something serious accomplished that does not involve pro level game playing you're in the wrong place...
Blizzard employees being the exception.. .they are getting something serious accomplished on here.
On July 14 2015 07:54 QuanticHawk wrote: Find new hobbies, especially if they can be social.
failing that, see a therapist??
Solid advice. Seeing a therapist can often solve a lot of the issues just by vocalizing them - which allows you to really come to conclusions you wouldn't normally think of just in your head. I always suggest changing up hobbies and getting more social, but you may need to do the opposite and take an interest of yours and turn it into a small money maker/allow something to take up more of your time. Being overly busy isn't good, but having too much time on your hands normally allows the mind to wander and overthink life. Thinking about your life is all good, but overthinking it normally makes people quite sad and even sometimes apathetic since they feel something is missing.
You may one day realize, that happiness is not something permanent. In fact, the more you look for it, the more you LONG for it - the unhappier you must be. I know this might sound shallow or esoteric, but it contains a truth, valid for any mortal with a capacity for reason. Don't let your mind troll you. You are not your thoughts. You are not your Ego.
Also: Sports is a great way to find more satisfaction in life. Calm your body, and the mind will follow.
I'm not currently talking to a psychiatrist (never have, and never will ever since they advocated releasing your anger a long time ago, which I knew was bullshit as a child). I think the post above me misses the point. I do not doubt your/his sincerity in trying to help, but you seem to be repeating what is said to you without a good understanding because you have anger problems yourself.
Happiness is not needs but a mindset, so is anger. Happiness is when you don't have any more needs/unfufilled expectations - wanting more or less is a mindset,
Think about how a boy can be the happiest boy in the world if you buy him a new Samsung phone because he has never seen a phone before while another boy might be angry you didn't buy him the latest Apple instead. Expectations.
Think about how some situations can make you angry while it doesn't affect others or vice versa. Our grandparents might not mind waiting for 10 secs for a page to load but some people from our generation is might get really angry. Expectations.
On July 14 2015 08:06 lohdon wrote:You can't find happiness by constantly looking for it.
Be happy with what you already have, you already do have things well, and you don't have to lie to yourself about it at all since you know it's true.
feel free to pm me if you'd like.
Instead of talking about what I said - maybe offer some insight to the OP. Otherwise you're just derailing his thread.
If anything you are angry and you seem extremely frustrated. Maybe change your "mindset" and you'll be happier. Lol...
And to all the rest of the things you said... 0.0 wat?? You have some funny logic my friend.
??? I think you're just unfamiliar with this way of thinking. I am from Asia after all and I'm naturally, heavily influenced by our philosophy.
I think a lot of what I have heard (I admit I'm not 100% up to date) with western psychiatry is ineffective and wrong. I guess you think the disagreement makes me angry and frustrated, in which case it was a wrong reading.
When everyone in the car was cursing because of a near miss accident my friend was in awe "you still managed to maintain your composure" he said.
So as someone who was trying to help a fellow TLer I have way no reason to get angry. The last time I got angry was in Feburary where somebody's negligence has almost killed the plumber that was fixing something in my house, so yea that was hard to get over because I should be responsible for his well being, since as a foreigner he'd be in serious trouble once he gets hurt. I can't remember of a time prior to that.
And I'm not even talking about "Changing" a mindset but "Learning". All the learning has made me much calmer and happier.
of course if a psychiatrist improves things for you, by all means please do so.
Edit: oh wait I just realised
Instead of talking about what I said -
You were the person whom I disagreed with. As I said, I have nothing against you and I do not doubt your sincerity or your intelligence of anything.
I was merely pointing out how your advice was ineffective and missing the point imo, and is counterproductive for the OP.
PS: I admit I do attack people in other threads but I'm usually joking sarcastially but yea I ideally shouldn't attack them at all
Having freedom and lots of time is not happiness. I had a really good dose of freedom and time last week (class cancellations due storms) but I felt as bored as fuck. When you're doing something with your time and freedom, I think that's when you'll be happy. You should occupy yourself more.
What catches me though is that you say you have hobbies/passions and yet you spend most of your time on the net. Are your hobbies related to the net somehow?
On July 14 2015 15:56 c3rberUs wrote: Having freedom and lots of time is not happiness. I had a really good dose of freedom and time last week (class cancellations due storms) but I felt as bored as fuck. When you're doing something with your time and freedom, I think that's when you'll be happy. You should occupy yourself more.
What catches me though is that you say you have hobbies/passions and yet you spend most of your time on the net. Are your hobbies related to the net somehow?
EPT
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