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M is pretty conflicted internally; needs to reevaluate his values and morals.
Responsible drug use is fucking amazing, M has been a firm believer. He has had a drug testing kit since forever which could test for purity and classes of drugs, to ensure whatever he gets is what was advertised. Moreover, he treats each new drug as a potential lethal allergen, and tests minuscule amounts through various routes of administration before gradually upping the dosage. Lastly, he tries his best to prevent the development of a heavy tolerance to any psychoactive substance, either rotating different things weekly or binge then quit cold turkey for a month or so.
Also, his connections with the chem students has allowed to him synthesize or extract certain things in the lab, which has been a godsend.
M has tried pretty much everything you can name in his short 2-year psychonautic career. So far, the only physical addictions he had to battle were from extremely powerful opiate and stimulant euphoriants, and of course, cigarettes. M is proud to say that from the hellish withdrawal experiences he has quit the former. However, the dilemma of psychological craving for more powerful things still remain to an overwhelming degree.
M is not currently tolerant to anything except for MJ and cigarettes, but his desire to chase the absolutely epic feelings of invincibility, ecstasy and enlightening empathy is overpowering his good sense to abstain. If drugs were legal, accessible, and accepted like cigarettes and alcohol, M would fucking do SOMETHING everyday - that's just who M is, and he accepts this fact. However, the current problem of strong spousal disapproval combined with the difficulty of obtaining things due to various factors has started to make him think about the role of chems in his future.
M hasn't done anything heavier than MJ in the past 5 months; he is completely clean and functional, getting by in grad school and relationships smoothly. He knows he should be fucking happy; but he isn't, and far from it. There is noticeable anhedonia and apathy evident; sex, gaming, music, partying, socializing, etc. just aren't the same with sobriety. So far M has had the good sense to exercise painful self-control because he loves his GF and needs to be productive, but he knows that deep down, he values the heavenly chemical highs more than he values anything else.
Part of M still possesses some sense of morality, and this part of him tells him that he doesn't need drugs to live a somewhat enjoyable life, that in order to make his career and relationships work, he needs to stay away (binges and comedowns really fuck with life even if you quit cold turkey a few days later).
Another part of him is completely okay with all of this; he fucking knows that NOTHING in life will ever feel as good as the chem highs, a fact that people who've never tried drugs will never understand. It doesn't matter that the best feelings on earth are clearly chemically fake and fabricated, because well, they fucking FEEL so real when you experience them. One could argue all they want about true enlightening and euphoric moments in life (i.e., discovering religion, having epiphanies in things that interest them, experiencing true love, etc.), but the cold fact is simply that these moments do not even begin to compare with the ecstatic and mind expandning experiences he has had on chems - if an enjoyable life experience is like jacking off to one's imagination, then the same enjoyable life experience on CHEMS is like actually fucking whoever you want in the world.
Sometimes M appreciates his life circumstances which have given rise to his psychonautic experiences, but other times M wonders if he's ruined and wrecked for life since he can never soberly enjoy life as much as the chem newbie. It's not like M is writing all of under the influence or while in withdrawal, in fact M has thought about this so much over the past few weeks in sobriety and so far he is still morally dumbfounded. Fuck, for Christ's sake, M has been sober for almost half a year, and he even had his dopamine and serotonin levels tested a month ago to make sure what he's experiencing isn't just temporary that will gradually subside with more time.
Sigh, it looks like M will never be free from the best highs in life, and the sooner he accepts that fact the better off he will be. M has enough discipline to never end up on the streets (quit cold turkey powerful opiates multiple times after short binges, has never been physically addicted to something for longer than 2 weeks), so he will probably always be that guy who pops that MDMA pill on the odd work day and snort up in the bathroom after a big project.
 
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Psychological addiction is a bitch.
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Things like these are why I'm glad I never did any drugs. Thanks!
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On April 14 2014 00:17 YouthSC wrote:
Things like these are why I'm glad I never did any drugs. Thanks!
That's what M is pondering as well; the question has always been whether one wants a life of stability and moderate contentment, or a life of full of ups and downs. The ups are undoubtedly incomparable to anything else on earth, but the downs bring out the worst in one's nature.
Moreover, it's not exactly fair to perceive all drugs as the same; in fact despite everything that has happened, M wholeheartedly recommends trying non-addictive psychedelics such as mushrooms, DMT, LSD, which when used infrequently and in moderation, are relatively safe so at worst, they won't cause you lasting harm, and at best they will expand one's mind immensely.
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nice read. im not doing drugs but I love extraordinary experiences, for example in dreams or meditation.
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You're an addict. Denial and rationalization. Of course you can't experience joy out of life if you're putting chemicals in your brain that shit on your dopamine and seratontine levels.
Good news is that I'm an addict as well, and I haven't used anything in a while (being clean means abstinence from all drugs, including alcohol and weed). There's help for you if you ever want it.
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I guess using "M" is slightly less annoying than "SWIM" (someone who isn't me, for those who are curious), but it's pretty much the same thing. The laziest way to avoid self-incrimination/self-reference. We all know who this post is about, why not just say it?
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he fucking knows that NOTHING in life will ever feel as good as the chem highs, a fact that people who've never tried drugs will never understand. It doesn't matter that the best feelings on earth are clearly chemically fake and fabricated, because well, they fucking FEEL so real when you experience them. One could argue all they want about true enlightening and euphoric moments in life (i.e., discovering religion, having epiphanies in things that interest them, experiencing true love, etc.), but the cold fact is simply that these moments do not even begin to compare with the ecstatic and mind expanding experiences he has had on chems
damn so fuckin true... life's pretty dull.
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On April 14 2014 08:35 Pierrot wrote:
I guess using "M" is slightly less annoying than "SWIM" (someone who isn't me, for those who are curious), but it's pretty much the same thing. The laziest way to avoid self-incrimination/self-reference. We all know who this post is about, why not just say it?
I was wondering why he was referring to himself in third person.
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On April 14 2014 05:09 beachbeachy wrote:
You're an addict. Denial and rationalization. Of course you can't experience joy out of life if you're putting chemicals in your brain that shit on your dopamine and seratontine levels.
Good news is that I'm an addict as well, and I haven't used anything in a while (being clean means abstinence from all drugs, including alcohol and weed). There's help for you if you ever want it.
truth.
To add to this, the anxiety/depression or whatever can and probably will get worse. Often times people who are addicts and quit without support network become severely depressed. To add to that, some of these drugs can actually change the way your brain functions (ie; brain damage) and actualyl physically cause a problem with your receptors and leave you permanently depressed where you will have to take some drugs for the rest of your life just to be normal. It's not a good road to fucking around with E, hallucinogens, and meth.
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On April 14 2014 05:09 beachbeachy wrote:
You're an addict. Denial and rationalization. Of course you can't experience joy out of life if you're putting chemicals in your brain that shit on your dopamine and seratontine levels.
Good news is that I'm an addict as well, and I haven't used anything in a while (being clean means abstinence from all drugs, including alcohol and weed). There's help for you if you ever want it.
Perhaps, but the definition of an addict is pretty vague. Technically, you're only "(physically) addicted" to something if you will experience immediate withdrawal symptoms upon cessation of use. Also technically, you cannot be physically addicted to something like DMT or LSD, although it's true physical withdrawal symptoms from weed is pretty real.
So no, you're not an "addict" if you haven't used anything in a while. Also, have to disagree with you completely regarding weed and alcohol messing with M's enjoyment of life; like he said, M had his dopamine and serotonin levels checked about a month ago and they were completely normal, despite the fact that he had smoked the weekend before. M does sometimes smoke more, but on average for the past half year, he has only smoked bi-weekly and sometimes not even that due to various reasons, and he drinks even less frequently.
So are you really saying that smoking up a few bowls on a Saturday night bi-weekly is typical addict behavior, which is the main cause for M's current anhedonia? Because if you are, then M could only wish you were right as he'd have such an easy solution to his current dilemma.
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On April 14 2014 05:09 beachbeachy wrote:
You're an addict. Denial and rationalization. Of course you can't experience joy out of life if you're putting chemicals in your brain that shit on your dopamine and seratontine levels.
Good news is that I'm an addict as well, and I haven't used anything in a while (being clean means abstinence from all drugs, including alcohol and weed). There's help for you if you ever want it.
i'm glad it worked for you but denial and rationalization are cop-outs and ultimate authority cards for the 12 step methods. there's a reason most people with drug and/or alcohol problems simply quit on their own and that nearly all addiction recovery methods including rational recovery and all that don't have very high success rates at all. there are people -many people - who have drug/alcohol problems that fit the disease theory of addiction and the concepts of denial and rationalization apply to their life and use of drugs very well but imo they are concepts and theories that are overused and there isn't enough finesse in the addiction treatment / recovery system as it currently exists.
unless you're quite rich and can afford going to one-on-one sessions with a therapist multiple times a week or even daily (as some celebrity addicts have done) or hire one of those sober living coaches (preferably one you'd be afraid to piss off because seems like for most celebrities these coaches do little to nothing to keep them sober), you better hope you're one of the lucky few the 12 step method works for long-term.
by the way i went through the windows and into the light on some albert hoffman memorial print 5 years ago and i wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. also weed. well weed not so much, i'd give up weed if i had to or wanted to. done it before 3 times for extended periods so whatever. drugs are bad except for the ones that are good.
all i would say about M is fuck the opiates weed and good booze and the occasional trip is where it's at. back when oxies were first getting real bad my buddy started doing them and i did something like 4 30s over the course of a week. by the fourth one i was barely feeling it but wanted more anyway and i was like no more of this shit, never did any more, something like that just doesn't work for me. but our neuroreceptors all have their own unique little preferences from person to person.
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On April 14 2014 05:09 beachbeachy wrote:
You're an addict. Denial and rationalization. Of course you can't experience joy out of life if you're putting chemicals in your brain that shit on your dopamine and seratontine levels.
Good news is that I'm an addict as well, and I haven't used anything in a while (being clean means abstinence from all drugs, including alcohol and weed). There's help for you if you ever want it.
bullshit. addiction is physical, since he didnt use drugs the past 6 months, except for non addictive mj, he is not addicted. he tested his hormone levels as well.
that idea of "being clean" is extremely, extremely damaging to addicts chances of getting rid of their addiction problems. there is absolutely no reason to avoid one drug when you abuse another. if you would start abusing mj to get over alcoholism, then you have an mj problem and need to handle that as well, but the 100% most effective scientifically proven way to get rid of addiction is to start using in whatever means you actually want to use. if you WANT to be a gutterfiend, you won't be well off doing anything else. if you want to smoke the occasional joint and drink some drinks with friends, that's what you should do. if you can't, step back more until you can.
there can be no cure for drug abuse until you can use the drug without abusing. all this 12 step shit and complete abstinence is like 50 years old prejudiced bullshit.
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non-addictive marijuana? what? and using one drug to escape another is absolutely downright retarded. If you're abusing one drug you'll just abuse the next instead. The poster above me is out of his mind with bullshit.
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On April 15 2014 01:43 CYFAWS wrote:Show nested quote +On April 14 2014 05:09 beachbeachy wrote:
You're an addict. Denial and rationalization. Of course you can't experience joy out of life if you're putting chemicals in your brain that shit on your dopamine and seratontine levels.
Good news is that I'm an addict as well, and I haven't used anything in a while (being clean means abstinence from all drugs, including alcohol and weed). There's help for you if you ever want it. bullshit. addiction is physical, since he didnt use drugs the past 6 months, except for non addictive mj, he is not addicted. he tested his hormone levels as well. that idea of "being clean" is extremely, extremely damaging to addicts chances of getting rid of their addiction problems. there is absolutely no reason to avoid one drug when you abuse another. if you would start abusing mj to get over alcoholism, then you have an mj problem and need to handle that as well, but the 100% most effective scientifically proven way to get rid of addiction is to start using in whatever means you actually want to use. if you WANT to be a gutterfiend, you won't be well off doing anything else. if you want to smoke the occasional joint and drink some drinks with friends, that's what you should do. if you can't, step back more until you can. there can be no cure for drug abuse until you can use the drug without abusing. all this 12 step shit and complete abstinence is like 50 years old prejudiced bullshit.
You are ignorant. Please educate yourself about addiction and the brain, and come back when you have something interesting or relevant to share. I suggest starting with:
http://www.amazon.com/Cracked-Life-Edge-Rehab-Clinic/dp/0060096551/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1397494682&sr=8-1&keywords=cracked dr drew
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On April 15 2014 01:54 Omnishroud wrote:
non-addictive marijuana? what? and using one drug to escape another is absolutely downright retarded. If you're abusing one drug you'll just abuse the next instead. The poster above me is out of his mind with bullshit.
addictive in the sense that there are no withdrawal symptoms for not using MJ iirc
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Totally feel you OP. I've done a various array of drugs (psychedelics, stimulants, research chemicals) and have pretty much done it all. My favorite is probably LSD  But I wouldn't call myself even close to addicted. I just think it's a fantastic chemical and the effects during and after the trip are highly enjoyable.
Also, many misinformed people ITT who have no idea regarding drugs or addiction. Do some research before you preach. Damn.
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On April 15 2014 02:15 MysteryMeat1 wrote:Show nested quote +On April 15 2014 01:54 Omnishroud wrote:
non-addictive marijuana? what? and using one drug to escape another is absolutely downright retarded. If you're abusing one drug you'll just abuse the next instead. The poster above me is out of his mind with bullshit. addictive in the sense that there are no withdrawal symptoms for not using MJ iirc
there are many withdrawal symptoms for not using MJ if you have been addicted over a long period of time. Most are psychological but there are mild (in comparison) physical effects too such as cold sweats and insomnia to name a couple.
and please stop using "MJ", i feel like im talking about people smoking michael jackson. D:
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Hey,
I lost my best friend to a heroin overdose. All drugs are bad....there should be no reason to take them. You can achieve much better highs by just doing sport or something you enjoy. I have not known anyone in my life who used drugs responsibly, even though that was what they claimed...and i have known alot of drug users...never have i met someone who's life got better from drugs.
Also...experiencing life as dull is very natural when you quit...it gets better..but it can take years..just be patient.
I can definatly recommend running...after an hour run....it will be the best high ever..and atleast you wont be ruining your body.
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On April 15 2014 01:59 9heart wrote:Show nested quote +On April 15 2014 01:43 CYFAWS wrote:On April 14 2014 05:09 beachbeachy wrote:
You're an addict. Denial and rationalization. Of course you can't experience joy out of life if you're putting chemicals in your brain that shit on your dopamine and seratontine levels.
Good news is that I'm an addict as well, and I haven't used anything in a while (being clean means abstinence from all drugs, including alcohol and weed). There's help for you if you ever want it. bullshit. addiction is physical, since he didnt use drugs the past 6 months, except for non addictive mj, he is not addicted. he tested his hormone levels as well. that idea of "being clean" is extremely, extremely damaging to addicts chances of getting rid of their addiction problems. there is absolutely no reason to avoid one drug when you abuse another. if you would start abusing mj to get over alcoholism, then you have an mj problem and need to handle that as well, but the 100% most effective scientifically proven way to get rid of addiction is to start using in whatever means you actually want to use. if you WANT to be a gutterfiend, you won't be well off doing anything else. if you want to smoke the occasional joint and drink some drinks with friends, that's what you should do. if you can't, step back more until you can. there can be no cure for drug abuse until you can use the drug without abusing. all this 12 step shit and complete abstinence is like 50 years old prejudiced bullshit. You are ignorant. Please educate yourself about addiction and the brain, and come back when you have something interesting or relevant to share. I suggest starting with: http://www.amazon.com/Cracked-Life-Edge-Rehab-Clinic/dp/0060096551/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1397494682&sr=8-1&keywords=cracked dr drew
dr. drew lol
i would recommend books by people like dr. abraham twerski, hasidic rabbi and psychologist who founded gateway rehab near pittsburgh and has spent around 50 years studying and treating addiction. not a media whore who has a terrible record of exploiting his celebrity patients and an even worse record at keeping them clean and sober.
but even then long-term sobriety using the disease theory of addiction and the 12-step method that is so popular has a success rate (long-term sobriety success) of like 1-2%... almost anywhere else such failure would cause almost everything that was believed to be thrown out and start fresh. but the disease theory of addiction does have biological scientific validity and most people in the rehab/recovery community cannot even conceive of trying anything else other than the 12-step method, it's the best we have no matter how much it actually sucks. alternative methods to the 12 steps like rational recovery etc. don't do much better at achieving long-term sobriety. substance abuse and addiction is very much a gordian knot and no alexander has yet appeared to cut it.
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I think drugs just give you a different take on things. But there are bits of life that can give comparable highs, they are just harder to get to, more time intensive or more dangerous (depending on drug of choice).
For example dropped some acid and it was super awesome. Getting giggly, seeing all the colours, auras, dancing trees. Thats an impossible thing to get without drugs. Would definately do again.
But then I've has awesome times without any drugs. For example awesome powder days out skiing still give the best tactile sensations of out anything else I've done. Nailing a grab you've been working on for a while is a super good feeling or just the feeling of flying of a good kicker or drop is also so much fun.
Been to gigs without drugs or alcohol and it's also been super fun, crazy dancing, crowd surfing, moshing etc.
Do emphasise with how most of life is kinda dry. Running, cycling, football, lifing weights is kinda zzzzz for me (so jealous of people that find that stuff fun), all the stuff I like isn't really in my area. Video games help a lot, they let you do stuff you can't ever do (like go around in a big stompy space robot).
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On April 21 2014 19:41 MoonfireSpam wrote:
Do emphasise with how most of life is kinda dry. Running, cycling, football, lifing weights is kinda zzzzz for me (so jealous of people that find that stuff fun), all the stuff I like isn't really in my area. Video games help a lot, they let you do stuff you can't ever do (like go around in a big stompy space robot).
Man life is not dry.....life is the greatest drama of them all.
I guess if you are still young it is very hard to comprehend that...but once you see enough shit in life....strangely enough you'll actually start to appreciate those "mediocre" times.
I've had alot of problems with drugs, i got kicked out of highschool...that got me into a major depression for 3 years...i nearly died...(shooting up vodka and stuff when i had nothing else).... then my best friend overdosed on heroin...from that day on, i never touched anything. In the years after that i got a degree as paramedic and also a degree as game artist...and now i am starting my own company.
Im happy with this boring life.......i dont need all that shit from the past anymore...
Young people should be happy with what they have...drugs can seriously fuck you up...its not worth it...life has to much up and downs already without drugs.
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EPT
