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Blogs > boesthius
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boesthius
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States11637 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-04-09 13:34:31
April 09 2014 13:31 GMT
#1
--- Nuked ---

***
Promethelax
Profile Joined February 2012
Canada7089 Posts
April 09 2014 13:40 GMT
#2
Are you me?
TL Mafia. Love it. Play it. http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/index.php?show_part=31 I find Kennigit really attractive. If anyone has a picture of him please feel free to PM it to me.
Smix *
Profile Blog Joined January 2009
United States4549 Posts
April 09 2014 13:41 GMT
#3
sigh. fighting bocho i got really, really close a few times too. support system is so crucial.
really hope one day this fucker depression can be history for both of us
TranslatorBe an Optimist Prime, Not a Negatron // twitter @smixity
[MD]Frostbite
Profile Blog Joined May 2012
Canada292 Posts
April 09 2014 13:51 GMT
#4
Do you actually have that many tattoos? Thats pretty badass.
Good luck with the depression, I've had my low spots as well, just don't give up. Once you have given up, its really hard to try again.
White-Ra, the godfather Protoss
Carnivorous Sheep
Profile Blog Joined November 2008
Baa?21242 Posts
April 09 2014 14:13 GMT
#5
ilu boes <3
TranslatorBaa!
NeThZOR
Profile Blog Joined November 2010
South Africa7387 Posts
April 09 2014 14:26 GMT
#6
I like your plugs. Don't keep on going bigger until your ears are gone though
SuperNova - 2015 | SKT1 fan for years | Dear, FlaSh, PartinG, Soulkey, Naniwa
Pandemona *
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
Charlie Sheens House51470 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-04-09 15:24:53
April 09 2014 15:21 GMT
#7
Dat TLO beard doe!!!!!!!!!!!
Nice blog as usual just hope you come through this depression, but to me this is day 1 of your comeback trail!
Blog about your recovery if you can, i can see you want to get out of this and with your brother and now a good therapist i cant see you not.
ModeratorTeam Liquid Football Thread Guru! - Chelsea FC ♥
HackBenjamin
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
Canada1094 Posts
April 09 2014 15:36 GMT
#8
SICK BEARD
Ctone23
Profile Blog Joined December 2012
United States1839 Posts
April 09 2014 15:39 GMT
#9
I went through a long period of depression. You're right, there is really no way for other people to understand. Most people are way too obsessed with themselves to care, and a lot of people who become depressed, got that way because they too cared about themselves way too much, how they look, etc.

I dug myself into depression for a number of reasons, far too many to explain, but essentially I was young, immature, and felt the world was against me. It's not something that ever truly leaves you, I think my experience will forever change the person I am, but I eventually found the positives, and just kept telling myself, "Things could always be worse". Doesn't sound like much, but I kept the mindset and started forcing myself into previously uncomfortable situations. For example, I have never been into fashion, other than just normal, classic American blue-jean style. No offense to anyone who does, but I had this mindset that because I wasn't like everyone else, that I had no chance of meeting that special girl, and therefore locked myself in.

I can't say what exactly turned me away from this mindset, but I just kept telling myself that eventually things would be okay. I focused less on how I looked and was perceived and more on how I interact with people. I realized I cannot control what newly met people think about me, and for the first time in a while, I really didn't care. This was a snowball effect for me, the more and more I realized how much was out of my control, the more I began taking control of myself, finally starting to exude confidence to others around me.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that what you have experienced cannot leave you, but that is perfectly okay. Just keep doing you, you don't have a lot of time on this rock, jump into the action!
TL+ Member
ffadicted
Profile Joined January 2011
United States3545 Posts
April 09 2014 15:51 GMT
#10
Sojin is so perfect tbqh
SooYoung-Noona!
Grettin
Profile Joined April 2010
42381 Posts
April 09 2014 16:18 GMT
#11
beard suits you.
"If I had force-fields in Brood War, I'd never lose." -Bisu
NeuroticPsychosis
Profile Blog Joined September 2013
United States322 Posts
April 09 2014 16:34 GMT
#12
You seem pretty tall
intricate, elaborate, articulate, crystallize, conceptualize, synthesize
Firebolt145
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
Lalalaland34486 Posts
April 09 2014 16:51 GMT
#13
<3
Moderator
FuDDx *
Profile Blog Joined October 2002
United States5008 Posts
April 09 2014 16:54 GMT
#14
I wish I could keep facial hair...I always get tired of it after some time...I am envious of your beard!

I also always enjoy seeing/hearing others music!! Hope to find some that resonate with me!!
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Balloon-Man-FuDD/237447769616965?ref=hl
MaGariShun
Profile Joined May 2010
Austria305 Posts
April 09 2014 17:02 GMT
#15
Sunn O))) and BM probably isn't what you should be listening to to get out of depression ; )

Have you tried taking SSRI? I can't say that I was as deep in depression as you are, but I had a depressive episode 2 years ago (about 6 months long) and the meds really worked and pulled me out of it. There can be some side effects, anorgasmia seems to be common, had that too, but they are worth it I think. Be careful if you are suicidal though, cause they seem to have a motivating effect in the period before the mood heightening effect kicks in. Having someone to talk too is important too, I'm glad that you have your brother.
docvoc
Profile Blog Joined July 2011
United States5491 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-04-09 17:07:25
April 09 2014 17:03 GMT
#16
Oh shit, I love these blogs. Those are some sick tats too O.o

EDIT: That wasn't you, lol. Also keep at the depression, you'll beat it man.
User was warned for too many mimes.
Omnishroud
Profile Blog Joined November 2013
1073 Posts
April 09 2014 17:11 GMT
#17
Your taste in women is su-fucking-perb.

Good luck with everything you do
Omni = Capped (RIP TL Account) - LoL EUW: Capped92 - EU Bnet: Capped#1137 - Steam: Capped92
Dazed.
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
Canada3301 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-04-09 17:26:26
April 09 2014 17:22 GMT
#18
If your depression is severe enough to result in two suicide attempts, and the medication isnt working (which i presume your on?) you might want to look into ECT. It's an 'extreme' measure, but your obviously in an extreme circumstance, and its not like one flies over the cuckoos nest. Its humane.
Never say Die! ||| Fight you? No, I want to kill you.
Destructicon
Profile Blog Joined September 2011
4713 Posts
April 09 2014 17:30 GMT
#19
Damn man, you are right about one thing, I probably don't know you nor can I try to do so. What you have been trough is orders of magnitude worst then anything I've ever experienced. And even though I don't know you personally I must say, I feel really sorry to hear what you are going trough and I sincerely wish you the best of luck going forward.

Its good that you found support in your brother and its excellent that you've come to realize you need someone's support. I can't say our situations are in any way similar, but, when I was younger I was very closed, introverted and lonely but thankfully my best friend, which I consider as close to me as a brother sort of helped me change and open up in time.

Again not saying its at all a similar situation, I wanted to just underline that having someone close to you can be a big deal and it can go a long way in helping, maybe more then you can imagine.

Take care and good luck.
WriterNever give up, never surrender! https://www.youtube.com/user/DestructiconSC
sertman
Profile Blog Joined February 2011
United States540 Posts
April 09 2014 17:30 GMT
#20
Hey man, I've also come extremely close to suicide numerous times in my life. Depression is a bitch! However, I cannot emphasize enough how much therapy can help you. I found a great psychiatrist who worked with me to rebuild my worldview and everyday perceptions. I'm sorry to hear that you've had bad experiences in the past with counseling, but please don't give up, it might take a while and it will be a painful process, but you will come out of it on the other side a more mentally healthy person.

I always love reading your blogs, please keep writing
Scarecrow
Profile Blog Joined July 2009
Korea (South)9172 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-04-09 17:36:32
April 09 2014 17:35 GMT
#21
On April 10 2014 02:22 Dazed_Spy wrote:
If your depression is severe enough to result in two suicide attempts, and the medication isnt working (which i presume your on?) you might want to look into ECT. It's an 'extreme' measure, but your obviously in an extreme circumstance, and its not like one flies over the cuckoos nest. Its humane.

...Or maybe just find a different medication or therapist. Going under general anaesthetic to have your brain electrocuted sounds like it should be an absolute last resort for when someone's perpetually trying to kill themselves.

@Boes amazing taste in women and you're handsome as, should come visit your waifu's one day
Yhamm is the god of predictions
Dazed.
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
Canada3301 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-04-09 17:41:22
April 09 2014 17:40 GMT
#22
On April 10 2014 02:35 Scarecrow wrote:
Show nested quote +
On April 10 2014 02:22 Dazed_Spy wrote:
If your depression is severe enough to result in two suicide attempts, and the medication isnt working (which i presume your on?) you might want to look into ECT. It's an 'extreme' measure, but your obviously in an extreme circumstance, and its not like one flies over the cuckoos nest. Its humane.

...Or maybe just find a different medication or therapist. Going under general anaesthetic to have your brain electrocuted sounds like it should be an absolute last resort for when someone's perpetually trying to kill themselves.

@Boes amazing taste in women and you're handsome as, should come visit your waifu's one day
It's actually the most effective way to treat severe depression, and would be a lot more common if it werent for the memory loss and the bad PR. Yeah, changing medication might work to some degree, or titrating the existing dose, but severe, long melancholic depressions are a bitch to get rid of, even with medication. Obviously I dont know exactly how bad he is at the moment, but its entirely ordinary advice to give.
Never say Die! ||| Fight you? No, I want to kill you.
Ctone23
Profile Blog Joined December 2012
United States1839 Posts
April 09 2014 19:54 GMT
#23
On April 10 2014 02:40 Dazed_Spy wrote:
Show nested quote +
On April 10 2014 02:35 Scarecrow wrote:
On April 10 2014 02:22 Dazed_Spy wrote:
If your depression is severe enough to result in two suicide attempts, and the medication isnt working (which i presume your on?) you might want to look into ECT. It's an 'extreme' measure, but your obviously in an extreme circumstance, and its not like one flies over the cuckoos nest. Its humane.

...Or maybe just find a different medication or therapist. Going under general anaesthetic to have your brain electrocuted sounds like it should be an absolute last resort for when someone's perpetually trying to kill themselves.

@Boes amazing taste in women and you're handsome as, should come visit your waifu's one day
It's actually the most effective way to treat severe depression, and would be a lot more common if it werent for the memory loss and the bad PR. Yeah, changing medication might work to some degree, or titrating the existing dose, but severe, long melancholic depressions are a bitch to get rid of, even with medication. Obviously I dont know exactly how bad he is at the moment, but its entirely ordinary advice to give.



It's not like X treatment will cure it. You can't throw money and medicine to fix something like that.
TL+ Member
guN-viCe
Profile Joined March 2010
United States687 Posts
April 09 2014 20:12 GMT
#24
One of the best things a depressed person can do is focus on eating a healthy diet and exercising. It's not some cure-all, but it does help significantly.
Never give up, never surrender!!! ~~ Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence -Sagan
Boonbag
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
France3318 Posts
April 09 2014 20:50 GMT
#25
On April 10 2014 02:40 Dazed_Spy wrote:
Show nested quote +
On April 10 2014 02:35 Scarecrow wrote:
On April 10 2014 02:22 Dazed_Spy wrote:
If your depression is severe enough to result in two suicide attempts, and the medication isnt working (which i presume your on?) you might want to look into ECT. It's an 'extreme' measure, but your obviously in an extreme circumstance, and its not like one flies over the cuckoos nest. Its humane.

...Or maybe just find a different medication or therapist. Going under general anaesthetic to have your brain electrocuted sounds like it should be an absolute last resort for when someone's perpetually trying to kill themselves.

@Boes amazing taste in women and you're handsome as, should come visit your waifu's one day
It's actually the most effective way to treat severe depression, and would be a lot more common if it werent for the memory loss and the bad PR. Yeah, changing medication might work to some degree, or titrating the existing dose, but severe, long melancholic depressions are a bitch to get rid of, even with medication. Obviously I dont know exactly how bad he is at the moment, but its entirely ordinary advice to give.


ECT is hardcore but effective yes.
fusefuse
Profile Blog Joined February 2011
Estonia4644 Posts
April 09 2014 21:45 GMT
#26
hi doggie ilu
Liquipedia@jkursk
Dubzex
Profile Joined October 2010
United States6994 Posts
April 09 2014 23:16 GMT
#27
i miss the boes streamu
"DONT UNDERESTIMATE MY CARRY OR YOU WILL BE CARRIED INTO THE ABYSS OF SUFFERING" - Tyler 'TC' Cook
Badjas
Profile Blog Joined October 2008
Netherlands2038 Posts
April 09 2014 23:29 GMT
#28
On April 10 2014 00:39 Ctone23 wrote:
I went through a long period of depression. You're right, there is really no way for other people to understand. Most people are way too obsessed with themselves to care, and a lot of people who become depressed, got that way because they too cared about themselves way too much, how they look, etc.

I've gotten into a depression because I didn't care enough about myself... funny how life works. Or perhaps it's the same thing...

---

I'm supporting someone with rather severe borderline (in my opinion). Lots of downs and sometimes an up. Most of the time she hides her constant suicidal feeling and I become unaware of it. It helps me function better with a little less burden on my mind. Today we had a talk (together with an external person) where the suicidal feelings were brought up and it was nice just to have that communicated. To regain the mutual understanding of mutual understanding of the situation (yes I wrote that double on purpose).

I don't think it'd make any sense to write generic advice here. Useful advice will always need to be made in context and in concrete terms. But I wish you all luck.
I <3 the internet, I <3 you
boesthius
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States11637 Posts
April 09 2014 23:50 GMT
#29
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boesthius
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States11637 Posts
April 10 2014 00:00 GMT
#30
--- Nuked ---
boesthius
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States11637 Posts
April 10 2014 00:04 GMT
#31
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BigFan
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
TLADT24920 Posts
April 10 2014 01:28 GMT
#32
Thanks for the blog. I've had the good fortune of never going through depression but I've dealt with people who have had it in the past and also through a call center that I used to work at, it's a really rough condition to have. I think what makes it worse is that it's still not as accepted as some of the more common diseases. Think of diabetes where everyone and their dog would accept that someone has it if they say so (assuming they aren't lying lol) but tell someone you are depressed and some won't believe you. They'll think you are lazy and don't want to do work. Maybe that you're making it up etc... and that makes it harder to open up about it.

Having said that, I think having support like your brother is exactly the kind of things that will help you through it. Being able to open up to someone, confide in them and just work with them to help you get past it is great. Since I'm curious, when you were thinking of killing yourself, were you on the meds? With some meds like the SSRIs, you get your energy back within several weeks(usually 3 weeks) though your mood is unchanged for another one to three weeks after (4-6 weeks since treatment start). This means that you can still feel saddened and such but now you have the energy to try and commit suicide. Far as I know, patients should be informed about this. I guess I'm just wondering if the meds you are on atm (I presume) would've caused one of those attempts. Mind if I ask what med you're trying now if that's not too personal? On another note, I'm expecting a "I beat depression" blog in the near future! lol.

On April 10 2014 09:04 boesthius wrote:
The ECT conversation: i don't think i've ever heard of it before. i'll ask my doctor about it next week but from what you guys are sharing it seems like the last resort of last resorts.

ECT is indeed a last resort. Unless you've exhausted all the different type of meds and tried everything with not much change in your depression (still severe), I would avoid it. The SSRIs mentioned earlier, basically meds like citalopram and paroxetine (there's quite a bit of different ones) are usually first line therapy when it comes to depression because they are quite tolerable.
Former BW EiC"Watch Bakemonogatari or I will kill you." -Toad, April 18th, 2017
Falling
Profile Blog Joined June 2009
Canada11340 Posts
April 10 2014 01:55 GMT
#33
Woah, crazy blog again. Thanks for sharing.

...that Canucks video, haha. I did a double take because I was sure you weren't Canadian. Are you Californian, then or just into hockey? Oh Gillis. Having Trevor Linden on board for us should be interesting.
Moderator"In Trump We Trust," says the Golden Goat of Mars Lago. Have faith and believe! Trump moves in mysterious ways. Like the wind he blows where he pleases...
boesthius
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States11637 Posts
April 10 2014 03:07 GMT
#34
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Grobyc
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
Canada18410 Posts
April 10 2014 06:00 GMT
#35
yay boes blog :3

I can't say I know depression well enough to give any worthwhile advice on it because it's my worst MU, but I'm glad you 2-0'd that biatch. gg no re

dat fashion sense tho
If you watch Godzilla backwards it's about a benevolent lizard who helps rebuild a city and then moonwalks into the ocean.
FractalsOnFire
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
Australia1756 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-04-10 07:57:20
April 10 2014 07:57 GMT
#36
S A D B O Y S
ShadeR
Profile Blog Joined December 2009
Australia7535 Posts
April 10 2014 10:30 GMT
#37
Yup Anna Kendrick is mint.
Boonbag
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
France3318 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-04-10 11:26:23
April 10 2014 11:21 GMT
#38
i know some friend (doctor) treats depression partly with making the person read classical litterature or philosophy works if the person is able to do so

not so much because of the content, but to help the person focus outside depression and its recursive train of thought

i know he sometimes uses this or extracts : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_Certainty


edit : he also told me that studies show that heavy computer/internet usage when you're depressive is pretty toxic and can hinder treatment alot

computer + depression is a dangerous cocktail it seems
Vandrad
Profile Joined November 2011
Germany951 Posts
April 10 2014 13:00 GMT
#39
I can definitely relate. A year ago I was really done with my life. But the second half of it my state of mind improved a ton. Now everything seems to be going to shit again.

I wish you the best.
And who are you, the proud lord said, that I must bow so low?
Nesserev
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
Belgium2760 Posts
April 10 2014 13:07 GMT
#40
--- Nuked ---
Whiplash
Profile Blog Joined October 2008
United States2928 Posts
April 10 2014 13:46 GMT
#41
Sup dude we haven't talked in awhile! Also I guess your trying to emulate the looks of that model.
Cinematographer / Steadicam Operator. Former Starcraft commentator/player
Zergneedsfood
Profile Blog Joined September 2008
United States10671 Posts
April 10 2014 14:53 GMT
#42
Boes ilu pls don't be so sad.
/人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\ Make a contract with me and join TLADT | Onodera isn't actually a girl, she's just a doormat you walk over to get to the girl. - Numy 2015
JBright
Profile Joined September 2010
Vancouver14381 Posts
April 10 2014 18:43 GMT
#43
On April 10 2014 23:53 Zergneedsfood wrote:
Boes ilu pls don't be so sad.

ModeratorThe good and the wise lead quiet lives. Neo's #1 Frenemy and nightmare.
L_Master
Profile Blog Joined April 2009
United States8017 Posts
April 10 2014 19:04 GMT
#44
Cool blog, was a fun read!

I wish I had some insight as far as depression goes, almost never in a bad mood or unhappy...so I'm not sure if what "works" for me is at all applicable to your situation.

I really don't even have a clue what depression could be like in all honesty, but best of luck finding what works for you and fighting back up out of that!
EffOrt and Soulkey Hwaiting!
darkscream
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Canada2310 Posts
April 10 2014 20:01 GMT
#45
A very dear friend of mine is going through similar stuff, she has been in a dark place all week and i've been helping, so i hope it works out for you too. The key is trying to remember that your will is above all things, even your emotions. It's hard to stay focused like that, good luck with the new counselling.


+ Show Spoiler +
i know exactly who you are, soshitter

Ansinjunger
Profile Joined November 2010
United States2451 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-04-10 20:55:51
April 10 2014 20:44 GMT
#46
That looks like Julian Sark giving you a haircut. On a more serious note, good luck; I hope you live long and happier.

I've heard that being willing to talk about these things is often an important first step, but I've also found it's easy in my mind to find excuses if you fail a little. Hopefully you try to halt the downward spiral wherever it starts. I'm in the middle of one, and I've stopped enough times to feel good about it, I start to wonder if I start and stop just to feel good about quitting. It's pretty shitty. So easy to find excuses to beat yourself up--again good luck.
Rekrul
Profile Blog Joined November 2002
Korea (South)17174 Posts
April 11 2014 00:01 GMT
#47
i hate you
why so 진지해?
Harem
Profile Joined November 2007
United States11390 Posts
April 11 2014 00:10 GMT
#48
On April 11 2014 04:04 L_Master wrote:
I really don't even have a clue what depression could be like in all honesty

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

That explains far better than you will probably hear elsewhere.

If tl;dr then:
+ Show Spoiler +
[image loading]

Moderator。◕‿◕。
Bebop07
Profile Blog Joined January 2010
United States291 Posts
April 11 2014 00:15 GMT
#49
I've been to mental health facilities 4 times in the past 2-3 years with suicidal thoughts/ideation. going there didn't change anything..all the psyche meds did nothing but make me even worse. i would go to parties just to get drunk and forget the world..i didn't enjoy it but I did it anyway so as to escape from life. i had a moment where i drank so much i thought i was going to die..and my heart was opened and I just begged God to not let me die..i don't know if he did save me or not that night, i cannot be sure. i had other instances like that where i just knew deep down i was going to hell though i had been agnostic for a very long time. then one night i stopped making excuses for what I've done and was honest with myself about what a disgusting sinful human being i am. i apologized to my parents for all i'd done..and then...i went to take a shower and my emotions were still running very high. i shared this story on one of my blogs but, i still want to share it to anyone and everyone. at some point in the shower i felt a force make my legs wobbly and incredibly weak..like nothing I've ever felt before. the exact details moment by moment i do not remember, but what i do remember is i let myself collapse under the force which I fully believe was from God and i cried out from my heart for Jesus to save me. at that exact moment...i literally felt my old spirit..filled with grief and hopelessness and evil leave me..and a new spirit was given to me...The Holy Spirit..the gift and salvation from Jesus Christ was given to me. i knew from that exact moment Jesus was and is the son of God. a lot of learning has happened since as well as miraculous things going on around me. if anyone wants to know more via PM id be glad to try to help if I can.
hasuprotoss
Profile Blog Joined March 2004
United States4612 Posts
April 11 2014 02:03 GMT
#50
ilu boes, you fat piece of shit :^)
http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/index.php?viewdays=0&show_part=5 <--- Articles Section on TL
dronebabo
Profile Blog Joined December 2003
10866 Posts
April 11 2014 04:23 GMT
#51
--- Nuked ---
Jerubaal
Profile Blog Joined June 2010
United States7684 Posts
April 11 2014 05:47 GMT
#52
The consolation of sartorialness.
I'm not stupid, a marauder just shot my brain.
Boonbag
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
France3318 Posts
April 11 2014 09:35 GMT
#53
On April 11 2014 09:01 Rekrul wrote:
i love to hate you



i always knew you were erasure fanboy

Denar
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
France1633 Posts
April 11 2014 12:22 GMT
#54
Cult of Fire and Xasthur are amazing, I share those muscial tastes with you!

Black Metal lets emotions go loose, makes me feel alive, it helped me so much when I was going down, losing my body in the hospital, I hope it can help you as well, pick you back up.
Chef
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
10810 Posts
April 11 2014 12:57 GMT
#55
Everyone has a few pennies of advice about depression, here is mine:

Consider learning a little about Buddhism. Not to become a Buddhist (I'm certainly not one myself), but just for some food for thought and some ideas about how to think of life. It is one of the few religions that is really down to earth and deals with how to live this life. I think for people suffering from depression, it also starts from very agreeable ideas. "All is suffering" is the starting point. Then discussion turns to how to reduce suffering in the world both for yourself and for others, and somehow from this very dark starting point turns into a religion with a very positive outlook.

Some ideas that I've taken to heart myself:

Desire creates dissatisfaction and attachment. [Which I take to mean don't desire things that are completely unfulfillable, like yearning after models ;p]

When you hate someone, feel that hate as if it were directed toward yourself. You may begin to pity that person, and realise a little that they are not unaware or conscienceless.

Learn to let things go. [Wrongs that have been done to you, frustrations, wrongs you've done to yourself and others... Repentance is better observed by doing good for others than by cyclical thoughts.]

I think as humans it is hard to stop our feelings, nor really should we, but it is important to try to see our feelings as ephemeral and ourselves and the world as constantly changing, never the same as it was the moment before (the classic Buddhist image is of the flickering flame of a candle).

For me it is not the only piece of the puzzle in dealing with these feelings, but it is an important one. I look back each year and see that my coping mechanisms have improved and become more healthy, and that I'm figuring out how to escape patterns of extreme negativity when I fall into them, to forgive more and live freer.

IMO the key is self-reliance and understanding. The self-reliance is the part our culture does not understand
LEGEND!! LEGEND!!
Boonbag
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
France3318 Posts
April 11 2014 17:44 GMT
#56
On April 11 2014 21:57 Chef wrote:
Everyone has a few pennies of advice about depression, here is mine:

Consider learning a little about Buddhism. Not to become a Buddhist (I'm certainly not one myself), but just for some food for thought and some ideas about how to think of life. It is one of the few religions that is really down to earth and deals with how to live this life. I think for people suffering from depression, it also starts from very agreeable ideas. "All is suffering" is the starting point. Then discussion turns to how to reduce suffering in the world both for yourself and for others, and somehow from this very dark starting point turns into a religion with a very positive outlook.

Some ideas that I've taken to heart myself:

Desire creates dissatisfaction and attachment. [Which I take to mean don't desire things that are completely unfulfillable, like yearning after models ;p]

When you hate someone, feel that hate as if it were directed toward yourself. You may begin to pity that person, and realise a little that they are not unaware or conscienceless.

Learn to let things go. [Wrongs that have been done to you, frustrations, wrongs you've done to yourself and others... Repentance is better observed by doing good for others than by cyclical thoughts.]

I think as humans it is hard to stop our feelings, nor really should we, but it is important to try to see our feelings as ephemeral and ourselves and the world as constantly changing, never the same as it was the moment before (the classic Buddhist image is of the flickering flame of a candle).

For me it is not the only piece of the puzzle in dealing with these feelings, but it is an important one. I look back each year and see that my coping mechanisms have improved and become more healthy, and that I'm figuring out how to escape patterns of extreme negativity when I fall into them, to forgive more and live freer.

IMO the key is self-reliance and understanding. The self-reliance is the part our culture does not understand



greeks beg to differ
they would put desire as the first motive in everything
Roe
Profile Blog Joined June 2010
Canada6002 Posts
April 11 2014 20:14 GMT
#57
It's probably time to shave and get a hair cut
jpak
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
United States5045 Posts
April 11 2014 20:51 GMT
#58
On April 11 2014 18:35 Boonbag wrote:
Show nested quote +
On April 11 2014 09:01 Rekrul wrote:
i love to hate you



i always knew you were erasure fanboy


obligatory harmony harmony oh yeah!

Kill me...

But seriously, feel better.
CJ Entusman #50! #1 클템 fan TL!
Boonbag
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
France3318 Posts
April 11 2014 22:12 GMT
#59
On April 12 2014 05:51 jpak wrote:
Show nested quote +
On April 11 2014 18:35 Boonbag wrote:
On April 11 2014 09:01 Rekrul wrote:
i love to hate you



i always knew you were erasure fanboy


obligatory harmony harmony oh yeah!

Kill me...

But seriously, feel better.


=]
tonight
Profile Blog Joined November 2006
United States11130 Posts
April 12 2014 01:18 GMT
#60
i hate you and the #12 sucks

lololol

just kidding. I love you and would give you man sized bear hugs if you weren't worlds away
if I come without a thing, then I come with all I need @tonightsend
BigFan
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
TLADT24920 Posts
April 12 2014 04:31 GMT
#61
On April 10 2014 12:07 boesthius wrote:
Show nested quote +
On April 10 2014 10:28 BigFan wrote:
Thanks for the blog. I've had the good fortune of never going through depression but I've dealt with people who have had it in the past and also through a call center that I used to work at, it's a really rough condition to have. I think what makes it worse is that it's still not as accepted as some of the more common diseases. Think of diabetes where everyone and their dog would accept that someone has it if they say so (assuming they aren't lying lol) but tell someone you are depressed and some won't believe you. They'll think you are lazy and don't want to do work. Maybe that you're making it up etc... and that makes it harder to open up about it.

Having said that, I think having support like your brother is exactly the kind of things that will help you through it. Being able to open up to someone, confide in them and just work with them to help you get past it is great. Since I'm curious, when you were thinking of killing yourself, were you on the meds? With some meds like the SSRIs, you get your energy back within several weeks(usually 3 weeks) though your mood is unchanged for another one to three weeks after (4-6 weeks since treatment start). This means that you can still feel saddened and such but now you have the energy to try and commit suicide. Far as I know, patients should be informed about this. I guess I'm just wondering if the meds you are on atm (I presume) would've caused one of those attempts. Mind if I ask what med you're trying now if that's not too personal? On another note, I'm expecting a "I beat depression" blog in the near future! lol.

On April 10 2014 09:04 boesthius wrote:
The ECT conversation: i don't think i've ever heard of it before. i'll ask my doctor about it next week but from what you guys are sharing it seems like the last resort of last resorts.

ECT is indeed a last resort. Unless you've exhausted all the different type of meds and tried everything with not much change in your depression (still severe), I would avoid it. The SSRIs mentioned earlier, basically meds like citalopram and paroxetine (there's quite a bit of different ones) are usually first line therapy when it comes to depression because they are quite tolerable.

Yeah, that's pretty much the same thing that I have experienced - when it comes to not accepting depression as a legitimate disease. I've been on Wellbutrin, Prozac and Zoloft; with Prozac being the latest.

thanks for mentioning them. Prozac is an SSRI so I guess you are on one after all. Hope things start looking up. With your brother's support, I'm sure things will get better. TL is always here with open arms as well judging by all the replies
Former BW EiC"Watch Bakemonogatari or I will kill you." -Toad, April 18th, 2017
lichter
Profile Blog Joined September 2010
1001 YEARS KESPAJAIL22272 Posts
April 12 2014 05:05 GMT
#62
i am sad i didn't like hubardo as much as i thought i would
AdministratorYOU MUST HEED MY INSTRUCTIONS TAKE OFF YOUR THIIIINGS
NbSky
Profile Joined August 2007
Canada1023 Posts
April 12 2014 06:25 GMT
#63
You are some badass + Show Spoiler +
motha fucka
respect.
Sandstorm@USEast | The Last Pride [EviL] GW2 | Nb.Sky
boesthius
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States11637 Posts
April 12 2014 06:36 GMT
#64
--- Nuked ---
boesthius
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States11637 Posts
April 12 2014 06:39 GMT
#65
--- Nuked ---
boesthius
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States11637 Posts
April 12 2014 06:46 GMT
#66
--- Nuked ---
GettingIt
Profile Joined August 2011
1656 Posts
April 12 2014 07:46 GMT
#67
You beat me on your stream once with a cheese and made fun of me to your viewers. GL beating you depression though; I'm in that same boat but the tides change ever so quickly.
Boonbag
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
France3318 Posts
April 12 2014 10:18 GMT
#68
On April 12 2014 16:46 GettingIt wrote:
You beat me on your stream once with a cheese and made fun of me to your viewers.



whats wrong with that !
mki
Profile Blog Joined November 2010
Poland882 Posts
April 12 2014 14:16 GMT
#69
Your beard is awesome and nice style as well!
Head of New Business at Team Kinguin :: https://www.teamkinguin.com
boesthius
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States11637 Posts
April 12 2014 15:11 GMT
#70
--- Nuked ---
kjwcj
Profile Joined November 2011
Australia1064 Posts
April 12 2014 15:11 GMT
#71
i would take you everywhere :~3
Writer
Mensol
Profile Joined September 2012
14536 Posts
April 12 2014 22:16 GMT
#72
You look like TLO lol.
If you don't know what the fuck you are doing, how are your enemies supposed to know what the fuck you are doing. - imaqtpie on NA teams at Worlds.
Fighter
Profile Joined August 2010
Korea (South)1531 Posts
April 13 2014 14:35 GMT
#73
Hey, random question, but how do you get your hair that way? It has so much volume...
For Aiur???
~ava
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
Canada378 Posts
April 13 2014 18:33 GMT
#74
not to diminish anything else you wrote about, i just don't know how to reply to it. Just wanted to say i checked out your music links; i liked seeing Penfold in there, i had only one track from them (Microchip) for many years then got their albums nearly 10 years ago. Thx for links to new post-rock (for me) also.
Teoita
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
Italy12246 Posts
April 13 2014 19:01 GMT
#75
Depression is an asshole to deal with. I just had a brief encounter with it; my gf on the other hand has been struggling with similar crap for about 2 years now.

Best of luck man.
ModeratorProtoss all-ins are like a wok. You can throw whatever you want in there and it will turn out alright.
vult
Profile Blog Joined February 2012
United States9400 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-04-14 17:28:33
April 14 2014 17:25 GMT
#76
Based Sojin for real. Most perfect girl in the world.

Also don't worry man, you aren't alone on this. I've been struggling with depression for close to 10 years, and though some days are tough and I get the mindset of total disappointment and despair, I know better days are ahead of me.

GL to you man, and sick beard.
I used to play random, but for you I play very specifically.
hp.Shell
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
United States2527 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-04-15 00:00:23
April 14 2014 23:46 GMT
#77
I can't really relate to the fashion scene as I haven't really gotten into it yet. I might have a bit that wants to look good, but I don't think I'd spend a lot of money on new stuff all the time.

I can however relate to the feelings of depression. I'm not sure if the source of the depression matters to how it makes you feel, but I know it can make you feel like shit. To me, it felt like I had this really heavy dark cloud of horrible shit hanging over me, weighing me down, and almost constantly reminding me it was still there. I felt like I was at the bottom of a long dark well and that I would never be able to climb out. The light was there at the top, but it was so far away. And really there is a lot of well-wall to climb before you will be out on the surface again, but that doesn't mean you can't have some good times and fun and feel good along the way. Whistle while you work and all that.

I wasn't abused as a child or anything like that. I was a bit of a misfit in college though, if that's even possible. Panic attacks, anxiety. So for me it was mostly fear that I had to overcome, some family judgements that I had made about some of my family not being "normal" or good enough, and fearing that I would one day melt down in public again and make a scene as I have done 3-4 times in the past. It's like all your pent up frustration gets let out and you make a fool of yourself and the people you're with at the time, well you never feel the same around them. It's hard. I'm too hard on myself when I think of those times.

If you have some dark experiences in the past, sure learn from them, but it might help you to imagine that they happened to another person. Epictetus, a Greek stoic, has this to say: "Suppose that our servant breaks a cup. We are likely to get angry and have our tranquility disrupted by the incident. One way to avert this anger is to think about how we would feel if the incident had happened to someone else instead. If we were at someone’s house and his servant broke a cup, we would be unlikely to get angry; indeed, we might try to calm our host by saying 'It’s just a cup; these things happen.'" Epictetus believed that engaging in projective visualization, as the previous example, will make us appreciate the relative insignificance of the bad things that happen to us and will therefore prevent them from disrupting our tranquility.

There's a lot of philosophy to get into if you need to find some inner peace. If you like to read I can recommend a few good books that you might find helpful.

Support is absolutely crucial. "People who make changes successfully surround themselves with people who can help them. People who have the right beliefs and skills to help them make up a large part of their environment."

If you're going through a big change it's important to be optimistic and look for the good that is coming to you as a result of this change. Stop blaming, shaming and feeling guilty for things. Try to choose an alternate perspective that allows you to remove those three things from the painful memory.

I always hated moving into a new social group and losing my old one. Even if I knew that going through the change would benefit me in some way, the social hardship was often really heavy and difficult to rebuild a strong circle. Eventually I came to notice that I have friends all around me, all the time. You can talk to most people about stuff, if you find the right person you can talk to them about anything and they will listen to you. So if you've just begun a new chapter and lost a significant social support structure, it's good to try to connect more with people around you. Even if you never see them again after that day, at least you had some social support, and maybe a positive memory from it.

Last thing, and I don't like to tell people to do stuff: remove this shit from your playlist...
Xasthur - Subliminal Genocide Edit: Remove the darkest thing.

I like melo-death metal but some stuff is too dark for me. Just make small improvements to your environment like getting rid of the darkest thing that you listen to. That might help a bit too. The rest of your stuff is cool.

Keep writing, boes. There's healing in it.
Please PM me with any songs you like that you think I haven't heard before!
ZERG_RUSSIAN
Profile Blog Joined November 2008
10417 Posts
April 15 2014 11:59 GMT
#78
Yo homie

We all here if you need to talk about whatev
I'm on GOLD CHAIN
Hurricane
Profile Blog Joined October 2006
United States3939 Posts
April 15 2014 18:11 GMT
#79
Rory is legit as fuck

ps ilu
RIP CHARLIEMURPHY 11/25/10 NEVER FORGET | Hurricane#1183 @ B.net
bITt.mAN
Profile Blog Joined March 2009
Switzerland3693 Posts
April 15 2014 18:44 GMT
#80
Yo homie

Look at the sheer number of people responding and supporting you man Be encouraged!
BW4LYF . . . . . . PM me, I LOVE PMs. . . . . . Long live "NaDa's Body" . . . . . . Fantasy | Bisu/Best | Jaedong . . . . .
insectoceanx
Profile Blog Joined December 2008
United States331 Posts
April 16 2014 00:19 GMT
#81
As a fellow beardwearer maybe this will help put a smile on your face as well. http://willitbeard.tumblr.com/
LuMiX
Profile Blog Joined October 2006
China5757 Posts
April 17 2014 01:51 GMT
#82
that girl is my tumblr crush too!
crazyweasel
Profile Joined March 2011
607 Posts
April 17 2014 23:36 GMT
#83
depression is hard to go through, i haven't been into it but i've lived with a depressive mom (she's been since my father died) for the majority of my life and i can tell you shit is hard to deal with.

I know the title of this blog is don't try to know me but.... (at the same time you kinda ask for it...)
seeing your taste in in tatoos, fashion, music i'd say you are pretty trendy/hipster and at the sametime you're an internetfag - you like starcraft (4chan terminology nothing about being gay, but i guess u already knew).
I just get the feel you've invested alot of time being someone who isn't truly you. how can i say that? there is a huge gap : of you posting here and you in these photos. its like you're both part of the introvert and extravert worlds. alot of people do, and I know for myself suffered because I was not projecting (to others) the person I really were. you end up having this empty chasm where you cannot identify to who you are really. And psycatrist can help you with that.

you did not mention if you were the intellectual type but here some autors who adress directly the concept of identity (which to my understanding at least is the core of "psychological disorders" or whatever you want to call them because lets face it you have one and you already know) :
Lyotard and Foucault (they are reknown postmodernists)
reading them helped me alot (foucault mostly) understanding the process through which individuals identify to society, things, peoples, communites and so on. maybe they can help you too.

I wish you the best of luck, and I like your taste in women!
joeschmo
Profile Joined January 2011
United States167 Posts
April 21 2014 13:59 GMT
#84
Ginkgo Biloba
Brahmi

Should give one of those a try.

Also, quit the cigarettes! Just awful for the mind & body.

later
konadora *
Profile Blog Joined February 2009
Singapore66155 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-04-26 11:14:15
April 26 2014 11:11 GMT
#85
boes <3

i had my share of depression for like a year, couple of years back. think that was when i almost entirely disappeared off TL.

i always thought i was the "right" kind of guy. being courteous, being respectful, being thoughtful and caring for others etc etc. and honestly if i look back, i'd still say i was. but that was the kind of thinking that left myself broken when reality hit me and my old gf (i blogged about it a long time ago) just fucking shattered that. she fucked some other guy behind my back while we were still somewhat together (this i did not know until much later), though at that point of time things were already terribad because of so many circumstances. for one, she just left me emotionally once she got together with a new group of friends. i thought i was generic. boring. predictable. unexciting. so many thoughts ran through my mind, and that thinking plagued me for months. what is it that's making her not like me anymore. and all that months of negativity and dread just exploded once she broke it off. that was when i just lost it. i cut off contact with every single friend i had and escaped to korea for over a month. i spent every single saving i had on alcohol, went to the clubs and took drugs (never again), picked up smoking (2 packs a day at least, IM SORRY LILSUSIE I PROMISED I WONT SMOKE BUT I DID) and yet i was still feeling like shit. it's like i had lost my identity and myself. i didn't even know who i was anymore, and i didn't care either. i didn't care who i was, what was happening to me, or what i was going to become. luckily for me i just graduated from high school or else i would have just left school back then. i returned home but to me, it wasn't home anymore. it was just a place. i just couldn't be bothered with family, friends, or anything to do with real life. i started sleeping outside on the streets and on the rare times my friends somehow met me on the streets, i'd just pack up and walk away. long story short, that kept going on for a year. i'd tried everything to "relieve" myself from the pain, including cutting myself, jumping off my house (but miraculously only breaking a leg) and some other shit.

but what eventually got me through was the realization that this had got to end, and that you are the change you want to be, nothing or no one else can. i eventually started my way back into sanity when i found out what my ex-gf was actually doing being my back during the times we were together, and that was just a sharp kick in my head. "this bitch didn't care about you back then, so why should you now!? get yourself together!".

also, my friends stuck me through everything, giving me emotional support despite me ignoring their texts and all, and that really was one of the contributing factors. it's amazing how important having a good support network can be. it helps you bring back positivity into life, and that's somewhere where i believe you can start start hanging out in a different environment, somewhere bright and light like in the mountains or by the sea on a nice sunny afternoon. spend some time with your loved ones and close friends, i'm sure they'll appreciate it as much. people who you can fully share your views and problems with, not those that will enforce their own views onto you. speaking out actually goes a long way in taking out that depressive thoughts from your head, even if it is a bit, as long as you keep on doing it. i started talking to my friends about my problems and the more i told them, the greater at ease i was talking about it, and the better i felt afterwards.

another thing is, try doing something for yourself. give yourself a movie treat. go on a shopping splurge once in a while (retail therapy is actually somewhat effective lol i got myself some real nice watches, shoes, wallets and jackets during that period). try discovering something that you have not tried before or didn't have the chance to, such as travelling, yoga or other hobbies like photography (something i further expanded upon during that period, and now still do). it may help you discover (again) what you really are and what you really want for yourself. remember, you are living your life, and there is absolutely no reason you have to change to accommodate someone else's life, ESPECIALLY if it's making you unhappy.

i hope my experience can somehow help you out. i love you boes.

+ Show Spoiler +
suicide is not an option, you hear me!
POGGERS
WombaT
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
Northern Ireland24788 Posts
May 03 2014 00:05 GMT
#86
Thanks for the OP, and indeed many of the additional correspondence from many of those who have struggled with depression on Team Liquid's hallowed boards. It's a pretty personal affliction and everyone's triggers and coping mechanisms are slightly different, reading these with interjections of humour and little anecdotes juxtaposed with serious and at times heartbreaking honesty really rings true with me. I have a lot of respect for those who can properly open up on such things, even when it is to strangers through the medium of an internet message board I have a pretty hard time in ever doing that myself.

I was almost tempted to make a 'depression thread', not sure that we'd be the most motivated bunch when it comes to maintaining such a space mind
'You'll always be the cuddly marsupial of my heart, despite the inherent flaws of your ancestry' - Squat
boesthius
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States11637 Posts
May 03 2014 07:10 GMT
#87
--- Nuked ---
boesthius
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States11637 Posts
May 03 2014 07:41 GMT
#88
--- Nuked ---
BigFan
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
TLADT24920 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-05-03 08:02:52
May 03 2014 07:55 GMT
#89
On May 03 2014 16:41 boesthius wrote:
Show nested quote +
On April 21 2014 22:59 joeschmo wrote:
Ginkgo Biloba
Brahmi

Should give one of those a try.

Also, quit the cigarettes! Just awful for the mind & body.

later

thanks for the suggestions! and it's hookah, albeit not much better ;-;

I hate to intrude on other's comments but I figured I should make a mention just incase so I'll make this brief:
+ Show Spoiler +
There isn't much data showing Ginkgo helps in depression and it also causes some bad side effects. Aside from that, since you're on meds, there is a chance your meds will interact with Ginkgo if you decide to try it (lower conc of meds so less effective or higher conc so more side effects depending on how Gingko works(what it inhibits, induces etc...)). I've never heard of Brahmi before so will look into that for my own knowledge lol.
Former BW EiC"Watch Bakemonogatari or I will kill you." -Toad, April 18th, 2017
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