EPT
don't try to know me
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boesthius
United States11637 Posts
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Promethelax
Canada7089 Posts
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Smix
United States4549 Posts
 i got really, really close a few times too. support system is so crucial.really hope one day this fucker depression can be history for both of us | ||
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[MD]Frostbite
Canada292 Posts
Good luck with the depression, I've had my low spots as well, just don't give up. Once you have given up, its really hard to try again.  | ||
Carnivorous Sheep
Baa?21242 Posts
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NeThZOR
South Africa7387 Posts
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Pandemona
Charlie Sheens House51470 Posts
Nice blog as usual  just hope you come through this depression, but to me this is day 1 of your comeback trail!Blog about your recovery if you can, i can see you want to get out of this and with your brother and now a good therapist i cant see you not. | ||
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HackBenjamin
Canada1094 Posts
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Ctone23
United States1839 Posts
I dug myself into depression for a number of reasons, far too many to explain, but essentially I was young, immature, and felt the world was against me. It's not something that ever truly leaves you, I think my experience will forever change the person I am, but I eventually found the positives, and just kept telling myself, "Things could always be worse". Doesn't sound like much, but I kept the mindset and started forcing myself into previously uncomfortable situations. For example, I have never been into fashion, other than just normal, classic American blue-jean style. No offense to anyone who does, but I had this mindset that because I wasn't like everyone else, that I had no chance of meeting that special girl, and therefore locked myself in. I can't say what exactly turned me away from this mindset, but I just kept telling myself that eventually things would be okay. I focused less on how I looked and was perceived and more on how I interact with people. I realized I cannot control what newly met people think about me, and for the first time in a while, I really didn't care. This was a snowball effect for me, the more and more I realized how much was out of my control, the more I began taking control of myself, finally starting to exude confidence to others around me. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that what you have experienced cannot leave you, but that is perfectly okay. Just keep doing you, you don't have a lot of time on this rock, jump into the action! | ||
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ffadicted
United States3545 Posts
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Grettin
42381 Posts
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NeuroticPsychosis
United States322 Posts
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Firebolt145
Lalalaland34486 Posts
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FuDDx
United States5008 Posts
I also always enjoy seeing/hearing others music!! Hope to find some that resonate with me!! | ||
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MaGariShun
Austria305 Posts
Have you tried taking SSRI? I can't say that I was as deep in depression as you are, but I had a depressive episode 2 years ago (about 6 months long) and the meds really worked and pulled me out of it. There can be some side effects, anorgasmia seems to be common, had that too, but they are worth it I think. Be careful if you are suicidal though, cause they seem to have a motivating effect in the period before the mood heightening effect kicks in. Having someone to talk too is important too, I'm glad that you have your brother. | ||
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docvoc
United States5491 Posts
EDIT: That wasn't you, lol. Also keep at the depression, you'll beat it man. | ||
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Omnishroud
1073 Posts
Good luck with everything you do | ||
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Dazed.
Canada3301 Posts
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Destructicon
4713 Posts
Its good that you found support in your brother and its excellent that you've come to realize you need someone's support. I can't say our situations are in any way similar, but, when I was younger I was very closed, introverted and lonely but thankfully my best friend, which I consider as close to me as a brother sort of helped me change and open up in time. Again not saying its at all a similar situation, I wanted to just underline that having someone close to you can be a big deal and it can go a long way in helping, maybe more then you can imagine. Take care and good luck. | ||
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sertman
United States540 Posts
I always love reading your blogs, please keep writing | ||
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Scarecrow
Korea (South)9172 Posts
On April 10 2014 02:22 Dazed_Spy wrote: If your depression is severe enough to result in two suicide attempts, and the medication isnt working (which i presume your on?) you might want to look into ECT. It's an 'extreme' measure, but your obviously in an extreme circumstance, and its not like one flies over the cuckoos nest. Its humane. ...Or maybe just find a different medication or therapist. Going under general anaesthetic to have your brain electrocuted sounds like it should be an absolute last resort for when someone's perpetually trying to kill themselves. @Boes amazing taste in women and you're handsome as, should come visit your waifu's one day | ||
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Dazed.
Canada3301 Posts
On April 10 2014 02:35 Scarecrow wrote: It's actually the most effective way to treat severe depression, and would be a lot more common if it werent for the memory loss and the bad PR. Yeah, changing medication might work to some degree, or titrating the existing dose, but severe, long melancholic depressions are a bitch to get rid of, even with medication. Obviously I dont know exactly how bad he is at the moment, but its entirely ordinary advice to give....Or maybe just find a different medication or therapist. Going under general anaesthetic to have your brain electrocuted sounds like it should be an absolute last resort for when someone's perpetually trying to kill themselves. @Boes amazing taste in women and you're handsome as, should come visit your waifu's one day | ||
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Ctone23
United States1839 Posts
On April 10 2014 02:40 Dazed_Spy wrote: It's actually the most effective way to treat severe depression, and would be a lot more common if it werent for the memory loss and the bad PR. Yeah, changing medication might work to some degree, or titrating the existing dose, but severe, long melancholic depressions are a bitch to get rid of, even with medication. Obviously I dont know exactly how bad he is at the moment, but its entirely ordinary advice to give. It's not like X treatment will cure it. You can't throw money and medicine to fix something like that. | ||
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guN-viCe
United States687 Posts
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Boonbag
France3318 Posts
On April 10 2014 02:40 Dazed_Spy wrote: It's actually the most effective way to treat severe depression, and would be a lot more common if it werent for the memory loss and the bad PR. Yeah, changing medication might work to some degree, or titrating the existing dose, but severe, long melancholic depressions are a bitch to get rid of, even with medication. Obviously I dont know exactly how bad he is at the moment, but its entirely ordinary advice to give. ECT is hardcore but effective yes. | ||
fusefuse
Estonia4644 Posts
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Dubzex
United States6994 Posts
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Badjas
Netherlands2038 Posts
On April 10 2014 00:39 Ctone23 wrote: I went through a long period of depression. You're right, there is really no way for other people to understand. Most people are way too obsessed with themselves to care, and a lot of people who become depressed, got that way because they too cared about themselves way too much, how they look, etc. I've gotten into a depression because I didn't care enough about myself... funny how life works. Or perhaps it's the same thing... --- I'm supporting someone with rather severe borderline (in my opinion). Lots of downs and sometimes an up. Most of the time she hides her constant suicidal feeling and I become unaware of it. It helps me function better with a little less burden on my mind. Today we had a talk (together with an external person) where the suicidal feelings were brought up and it was nice just to have that communicated. To regain the mutual understanding of mutual understanding of the situation (yes I wrote that double on purpose). I don't think it'd make any sense to write generic advice here. Useful advice will always need to be made in context and in concrete terms. But I wish you all luck. | ||
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boesthius
United States11637 Posts
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boesthius
United States11637 Posts
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boesthius
United States11637 Posts
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BigFan
TLADT24920 Posts
Having said that, I think having support like your brother is exactly the kind of things that will help you through it. Being able to open up to someone, confide in them and just work with them to help you get past it is great. Since I'm curious, when you were thinking of killing yourself, were you on the meds? With some meds like the SSRIs, you get your energy back within several weeks(usually 3 weeks) though your mood is unchanged for another one to three weeks after (4-6 weeks since treatment start). This means that you can still feel saddened and such but now you have the energy to try and commit suicide. Far as I know, patients should be informed about this. I guess I'm just wondering if the meds you are on atm (I presume) would've caused one of those attempts. Mind if I ask what med you're trying now if that's not too personal? On another note, I'm expecting a "I beat depression" blog in the near future! lol. On April 10 2014 09:04 boesthius wrote: The ECT conversation: i don't think i've ever heard of it before. i'll ask my doctor about it next week but from what you guys are sharing it seems like the last resort of last resorts. ECT is indeed a last resort. Unless you've exhausted all the different type of meds and tried everything with not much change in your depression (still severe), I would avoid it. The SSRIs mentioned earlier, basically meds like citalopram and paroxetine (there's quite a bit of different ones) are usually first line therapy when it comes to depression because they are quite tolerable. | ||
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Falling
Canada11340 Posts
...that Canucks video, haha. I did a double take because I was sure you weren't Canadian. Are you Californian, then or just into hockey? Oh Gillis. Having Trevor Linden on board for us should be interesting. | ||
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boesthius
United States11637 Posts
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Grobyc
Canada18410 Posts
I can't say I know depression well enough to give any worthwhile advice on it because it's my worst MU, but I'm glad you 2-0'd that biatch. gg no re dat fashion sense tho | ||
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FractalsOnFire
Australia1756 Posts
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ShadeR
Australia7535 Posts
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Boonbag
France3318 Posts
not so much because of the content, but to help the person focus outside depression and its recursive train of thought i know he sometimes uses this or extracts : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_Certainty edit : he also told me that studies show that heavy computer/internet usage when you're depressive is pretty toxic and can hinder treatment alot computer + depression is a dangerous cocktail it seems | ||
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Vandrad
Germany951 Posts
I wish you the best. | ||
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Nesserev
Belgium2760 Posts
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Whiplash
United States2928 Posts
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Zergneedsfood
United States10671 Posts
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JBright
Vancouver14381 Posts
On April 10 2014 23:53 Zergneedsfood wrote: Boes ilu pls don't be so sad. | ||
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L_Master
United States8017 Posts
I wish I had some insight as far as depression goes, almost never in a bad mood or unhappy...so I'm not sure if what "works" for me is at all applicable to your situation. I really don't even have a clue what depression could be like in all honesty, but best of luck finding what works for you and fighting back up out of that! | ||
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darkscream
Canada2310 Posts
+ Show Spoiler + i know exactly who you are, soshitter | ||
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Ansinjunger
United States2451 Posts
I've heard that being willing to talk about these things is often an important first step, but I've also found it's easy in my mind to find excuses if you fail a little. Hopefully you try to halt the downward spiral wherever it starts. I'm in the middle of one, and I've stopped enough times to feel good about it, I start to wonder if I start and stop just to feel good about quitting. It's pretty shitty. So easy to find excuses to beat yourself up--again good luck. | ||
Rekrul
Korea (South)17174 Posts
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Harem
United States11390 Posts
On April 11 2014 04:04 L_Master wrote: I really don't even have a clue what depression could be like in all honesty http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html That explains far better than you will probably hear elsewhere. If tl;dr then: + Show Spoiler + ![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/2MgAe5G.jpg) | ||
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Bebop07
United States291 Posts
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hasuprotoss
United States4612 Posts
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dronebabo
10866 Posts
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Jerubaal
United States7684 Posts
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Boonbag
France3318 Posts
On April 11 2014 09:01 Rekrul wrote: i love to hate you i always knew you were erasure fanboy | ||
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Denar
France1633 Posts
Black Metal lets emotions go loose, makes me feel alive, it helped me so much when I was going down, losing my body in the hospital, I hope it can help you as well, pick you back up. | ||
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Chef
10810 Posts
Consider learning a little about Buddhism. Not to become a Buddhist (I'm certainly not one myself), but just for some food for thought and some ideas about how to think of life. It is one of the few religions that is really down to earth and deals with how to live this life. I think for people suffering from depression, it also starts from very agreeable ideas. "All is suffering" is the starting point. Then discussion turns to how to reduce suffering in the world both for yourself and for others, and somehow from this very dark starting point turns into a religion with a very positive outlook. Some ideas that I've taken to heart myself: Desire creates dissatisfaction and attachment. [Which I take to mean don't desire things that are completely unfulfillable, like yearning after models ;p] When you hate someone, feel that hate as if it were directed toward yourself. You may begin to pity that person, and realise a little that they are not unaware or conscienceless. Learn to let things go. [Wrongs that have been done to you, frustrations, wrongs you've done to yourself and others... Repentance is better observed by doing good for others than by cyclical thoughts.] I think as humans it is hard to stop our feelings, nor really should we, but it is important to try to see our feelings as ephemeral and ourselves and the world as constantly changing, never the same as it was the moment before (the classic Buddhist image is of the flickering flame of a candle). For me it is not the only piece of the puzzle in dealing with these feelings, but it is an important one. I look back each year and see that my coping mechanisms have improved and become more healthy, and that I'm figuring out how to escape patterns of extreme negativity when I fall into them, to forgive more and live freer. IMO the key is self-reliance and understanding. The self-reliance is the part our culture does not understand | ||
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Boonbag
France3318 Posts
On April 11 2014 21:57 Chef wrote: Everyone has a few pennies of advice about depression, here is mine: Consider learning a little about Buddhism. Not to become a Buddhist (I'm certainly not one myself), but just for some food for thought and some ideas about how to think of life. It is one of the few religions that is really down to earth and deals with how to live this life. I think for people suffering from depression, it also starts from very agreeable ideas. "All is suffering" is the starting point. Then discussion turns to how to reduce suffering in the world both for yourself and for others, and somehow from this very dark starting point turns into a religion with a very positive outlook. Some ideas that I've taken to heart myself: Desire creates dissatisfaction and attachment. [Which I take to mean don't desire things that are completely unfulfillable, like yearning after models ;p] When you hate someone, feel that hate as if it were directed toward yourself. You may begin to pity that person, and realise a little that they are not unaware or conscienceless. Learn to let things go. [Wrongs that have been done to you, frustrations, wrongs you've done to yourself and others... Repentance is better observed by doing good for others than by cyclical thoughts.] I think as humans it is hard to stop our feelings, nor really should we, but it is important to try to see our feelings as ephemeral and ourselves and the world as constantly changing, never the same as it was the moment before (the classic Buddhist image is of the flickering flame of a candle). For me it is not the only piece of the puzzle in dealing with these feelings, but it is an important one. I look back each year and see that my coping mechanisms have improved and become more healthy, and that I'm figuring out how to escape patterns of extreme negativity when I fall into them, to forgive more and live freer. IMO the key is self-reliance and understanding. The self-reliance is the part our culture does not understand greeks beg to differ they would put desire as the first motive in everything | ||
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Roe
Canada6002 Posts
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jpak
United States5045 Posts
obligatory harmony harmony oh yeah! Kill me... But seriously, feel better. | ||
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Boonbag
France3318 Posts
On April 12 2014 05:51 jpak wrote: obligatory harmony harmony oh yeah! Kill me... But seriously, feel better. =] | ||
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tonight
United States11130 Posts
lololol just kidding. I love you and would give you man sized bear hugs if you weren't worlds away | ||
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BigFan
TLADT24920 Posts
On April 10 2014 12:07 boesthius wrote: Yeah, that's pretty much the same thing that I have experienced - when it comes to not accepting depression as a legitimate disease. I've been on Wellbutrin, Prozac and Zoloft; with Prozac being the latest. thanks for mentioning them. Prozac is an SSRI so I guess you are on one after all. Hope things start looking up. With your brother's support, I'm sure things will get better. TL is always here with open arms as well judging by all the replies | ||
lichter
1001 YEARS KESPAJAIL22272 Posts
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NbSky
Canada1023 Posts
motha fucka | ||
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boesthius
United States11637 Posts
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boesthius
United States11637 Posts
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boesthius
United States11637 Posts
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GettingIt
1656 Posts
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Boonbag
France3318 Posts
On April 12 2014 16:46 GettingIt wrote: You beat me on your stream once with a cheese and made fun of me to your viewers. whats wrong with that ! | ||
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mki
Poland882 Posts
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boesthius
United States11637 Posts
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kjwcj
Australia1064 Posts
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Mensol
14536 Posts
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Fighter
Korea (South)1531 Posts
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~ava
Canada378 Posts
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Teoita
Italy12246 Posts
Best of luck man. | ||
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vult
United States9400 Posts
Also don't worry man, you aren't alone on this. I've been struggling with depression for close to 10 years, and though some days are tough and I get the mindset of total disappointment and despair, I know better days are ahead of me. GL to you man, and sick beard. | ||
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hp.Shell
United States2527 Posts
I can however relate to the feelings of depression. I'm not sure if the source of the depression matters to how it makes you feel, but I know it can make you feel like shit. To me, it felt like I had this really heavy dark cloud of horrible shit hanging over me, weighing me down, and almost constantly reminding me it was still there. I felt like I was at the bottom of a long dark well and that I would never be able to climb out. The light was there at the top, but it was so far away. And really there is a lot of well-wall to climb before you will be out on the surface again, but that doesn't mean you can't have some good times and fun and feel good along the way. Whistle while you work and all that. I wasn't abused as a child or anything like that. I was a bit of a misfit in college though, if that's even possible. Panic attacks, anxiety. So for me it was mostly fear that I had to overcome, some family judgements that I had made about some of my family not being "normal" or good enough, and fearing that I would one day melt down in public again and make a scene as I have done 3-4 times in the past. It's like all your pent up frustration gets let out and you make a fool of yourself and the people you're with at the time, well you never feel the same around them. It's hard. I'm too hard on myself when I think of those times. If you have some dark experiences in the past, sure learn from them, but it might help you to imagine that they happened to another person. Epictetus, a Greek stoic, has this to say: "Suppose that our servant breaks a cup. We are likely to get angry and have our tranquility disrupted by the incident. One way to avert this anger is to think about how we would feel if the incident had happened to someone else instead. If we were at someone’s house and his servant broke a cup, we would be unlikely to get angry; indeed, we might try to calm our host by saying 'It’s just a cup; these things happen.'" Epictetus believed that engaging in projective visualization, as the previous example, will make us appreciate the relative insignificance of the bad things that happen to us and will therefore prevent them from disrupting our tranquility. There's a lot of philosophy to get into if you need to find some inner peace. If you like to read I can recommend a few good books that you might find helpful. Support is absolutely crucial. "People who make changes successfully surround themselves with people who can help them. People who have the right beliefs and skills to help them make up a large part of their environment." If you're going through a big change it's important to be optimistic and look for the good that is coming to you as a result of this change. Stop blaming, shaming and feeling guilty for things. Try to choose an alternate perspective that allows you to remove those three things from the painful memory. I always hated moving into a new social group and losing my old one. Even if I knew that going through the change would benefit me in some way, the social hardship was often really heavy and difficult to rebuild a strong circle. Eventually I came to notice that I have friends all around me, all the time. You can talk to most people about stuff, if you find the right person you can talk to them about anything and they will listen to you. So if you've just begun a new chapter and lost a significant social support structure, it's good to try to connect more with people around you. Even if you never see them again after that day, at least you had some social support, and maybe a positive memory from it. Last thing, and I don't like to tell people to do stuff: remove this shit from your playlist... I like melo-death metal but some stuff is too dark for me. Just make small improvements to your environment like getting rid of the darkest thing that you listen to. That might help a bit too. The rest of your stuff is cool. Keep writing, boes. There's healing in it. | ||
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ZERG_RUSSIAN
10417 Posts
We all here if you need to talk about whatev | ||
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Hurricane
United States3939 Posts
ps ilu | ||
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bITt.mAN
Switzerland3693 Posts
Look at the sheer number of people responding and supporting you man Be encouraged! | ||
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insectoceanx
United States331 Posts
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LuMiX
China5757 Posts
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crazyweasel
607 Posts
I know the title of this blog is don't try to know me but.... (at the same time you kinda ask for it...) seeing your taste in in tatoos, fashion, music i'd say you are pretty trendy/hipster and at the sametime you're an internetfag - you like starcraft (4chan terminology nothing about being gay, but i guess u already knew). I just get the feel you've invested alot of time being someone who isn't truly you. how can i say that? there is a huge gap : of you posting here and you in these photos. its like you're both part of the introvert and extravert worlds. alot of people do, and I know for myself suffered because I was not projecting (to others) the person I really were. you end up having this empty chasm where you cannot identify to who you are really. And psycatrist can help you with that. you did not mention if you were the intellectual type but here some autors who adress directly the concept of identity (which to my understanding at least is the core of "psychological disorders" or whatever you want to call them because lets face it you have one and you already know) : Lyotard and Foucault (they are reknown postmodernists) reading them helped me alot (foucault mostly) understanding the process through which individuals identify to society, things, peoples, communites and so on. maybe they can help you too. I wish you the best of luck, and I like your taste in women! | ||
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joeschmo
United States167 Posts
Brahmi Should give one of those a try. Also, quit the cigarettes! Just awful for the mind & body. later | ||
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konadora
Singapore66155 Posts
i had my share of depression for like a year, couple of years back. think that was when i almost entirely disappeared off TL. i always thought i was the "right" kind of guy. being courteous, being respectful, being thoughtful and caring for others etc etc. and honestly if i look back, i'd still say i was. but that was the kind of thinking that left myself broken when reality hit me and my old gf (i blogged about it a long time ago) just fucking shattered that. she fucked some other guy behind my back while we were still somewhat together (this i did not know until much later), though at that point of time things were already terribad because of so many circumstances. for one, she just left me emotionally once she got together with a new group of friends. i thought i was generic. boring. predictable. unexciting. so many thoughts ran through my mind, and that thinking plagued me for months. what is it that's making her not like me anymore. and all that months of negativity and dread just exploded once she broke it off. that was when i just lost it. i cut off contact with every single friend i had and escaped to korea for over a month. i spent every single saving i had on alcohol, went to the clubs and took drugs (never again), picked up smoking (2 packs a day at least, IM SORRY LILSUSIE I PROMISED I WONT SMOKE BUT I DID) and yet i was still feeling like shit. it's like i had lost my identity and myself. i didn't even know who i was anymore, and i didn't care either. i didn't care who i was, what was happening to me, or what i was going to become. luckily for me i just graduated from high school or else i would have just left school back then. i returned home but to me, it wasn't home anymore. it was just a place. i just couldn't be bothered with family, friends, or anything to do with real life. i started sleeping outside on the streets and on the rare times my friends somehow met me on the streets, i'd just pack up and walk away. long story short, that kept going on for a year. i'd tried everything to "relieve" myself from the pain, including cutting myself, jumping off my house (but miraculously only breaking a leg) and some other shit. but what eventually got me through was the realization that this had got to end, and that you are the change you want to be, nothing or no one else can. i eventually started my way back into sanity when i found out what my ex-gf was actually doing being my back during the times we were together, and that was just a sharp kick in my head. "this bitch didn't care about you back then, so why should you now!? get yourself together!". also, my friends stuck me through everything, giving me emotional support despite me ignoring their texts and all, and that really was one of the contributing factors. it's amazing how important having a good support network can be. it helps you bring back positivity into life, and that's somewhere where i believe you can start start hanging out in a different environment, somewhere bright and light like in the mountains or by the sea on a nice sunny afternoon. spend some time with your loved ones and close friends, i'm sure they'll appreciate it as much. people who you can fully share your views and problems with, not those that will enforce their own views onto you. speaking out actually goes a long way in taking out that depressive thoughts from your head, even if it is a bit, as long as you keep on doing it. i started talking to my friends about my problems and the more i told them, the greater at ease i was talking about it, and the better i felt afterwards.another thing is, try doing something for yourself. give yourself a movie treat. go on a shopping splurge once in a while (retail therapy is actually somewhat effective lol i got myself some real nice watches, shoes, wallets and jackets during that period). try discovering something that you have not tried before or didn't have the chance to, such as travelling, yoga or other hobbies like photography (something i further expanded upon during that period, and now still do). it may help you discover (again) what you really are and what you really want for yourself. remember, you are living your life, and there is absolutely no reason you have to change to accommodate someone else's life, ESPECIALLY if it's making you unhappy. i hope my experience can somehow help you out. i love you boes. + Show Spoiler + suicide is not an option, you hear me! | ||
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WombaT
Northern Ireland24788 Posts
I was almost tempted to make a 'depression thread', not sure that we'd be the most motivated bunch when it comes to maintaining such a space mind  | ||
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boesthius
United States11637 Posts
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boesthius
United States11637 Posts
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BigFan
TLADT24920 Posts
On May 03 2014 16:41 boesthius wrote: thanks for the suggestions! and it's hookah, albeit not much better ;-; I hate to intrude on other's comments but I figured I should make a mention just incase so I'll make this brief: + Show Spoiler + There isn't much data showing Ginkgo helps in depression and it also causes some bad side effects. Aside from that, since you're on meds, there is a chance your meds will interact with Ginkgo if you decide to try it (lower conc of meds so less effective or higher conc so more side effects depending on how Gingko works(what it inhibits, induces etc...)). I've never heard of Brahmi before so will look into that for my own knowledge lol. | ||
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