EPT
So I was in secondary 3 (Grade uh.. 9? We use British system here so idk what grade Secondary 3 is), new class, new beginning. I only had two other friends who got into the same class as me from my previous class, and rest were unfamiliar to me. The majority of the class comprised of this one class from the previous year, but that isn't really important I guess.
There was this one girl (I shall not say her name or put pics to respect her privacy) however, who really shined out from the rest. She was always energetic, cute and friendly and kind to everyone. And she happened to have to same interests as me (basically Japan and related stuff like J-drama and Jpop). We got to exchange a few words, and as time passed, that grew into long conversations where we eventually started to talk about each other more.
Then, somewhere in early February, I received a shock of my life when she told me via text saying, "I think I like you."
Now, at that period of time, I had no prior experience in love, and was barely interested in girls. I also did not really see her as a girl, but more as a friend. So it came to me as an unexpected but pleasant surprise. I told her that I needed time to think through, because I had never thought about it, and had no idea how to react to a confession.
A few days passed, and I had not yet given her a reply. And unfortunately (or fortunately), I had fallen ill, and she and her friends came over to visit. Everything just went normally, exchanged greetings and asked each other how we were, and they proceeded to go home. I took that opportunity to give her my reply - "Yes, I like you too."
It was Valentine's Day.
After that, we were a couple, yet somehow we weren't. She was a shy one, and back then, I guess so was I. We would talk oh-so-casually to each other, but when it came to moments when we were alone, we would get rather awkward with each other. Thinking back now, it was kind of silly, but I really regret not having taken enough initiative. Also, she happened to live in Malaysia (but she's a Chinese), in another country (across the sea) so we weren't able to go out for dates in the weekends and stuff, and the only time we were able to be with each other was in school and after it, which didn't help in improving our relationship.
So, instead of trying to think on my own how to further improve our relation, I went to seek the advice of a close friend, a girl who was in relationship with another guy. I thought that she would give me help, because of her experience. She told me to just take the initiative and just do whatever I could.
I listened to her and that day, it was the first and last time I held my ex-girlfriend's small, gentle hands.
A few days later, it was the exam period. Everyone was studying, so she was spending little time with me. Feeling rather sad, I just went to talk with my other friend I mentioned earlier. Up til now, I do not know the reason but we slowly drifted apart from there, not talking to each that much often. I thought it was just the exam stress.
Then one day, I realised that she was talking a lot to her friend, who was from the same class as her in the previous year. I got rather angry (Oh, what an immature ass I was) and told her that he was "just trying to make me jealous". She was like, "huh? Oh.. okay..."
But I guess I was the one on the wrong side. I had been neglecting her, and was talking more often to the other girls in my class. I think this was what led to her to be rather unhappy with me, and she went to talk to the above-mentioned guy more instead. I saw this, got pissed and told her, "Fine, if you like that guy so much, then why not just break up and you go talk to that guy more!?"
She didn't say anything, and I just went home.
The next day, pretty much the entire class knew what happened. I didn't care. Or I thought I didn't. After a few days, it just came into my mind. "What the FUCK was I doing?"
I went immediately to apologise to her, but she wouldn't hear any of it. She had all the right to do so anyway, me being such a dick.
I suddenly felt a part of my heart missing. I felt empty. I felt alone and lonely. I didn't feel.. whole.
Desperately, I started to search for pieces to complete the whole. Of course, I knew that I couldn't ask the girl I mentioned early on (she had coincidentally broken up with her boyfriend a few weeks before I broke up with my girlfriend) because that would be 1) suicide and 2) just worsening her situation. It was then where I met this girl from another class.
I knew that that girl had like a billion boyfriends before me, and was a real whore. But I didn't care. I thought she could fill my emptiness. So after getting to know each other, I didn't hold back in asking her to be my girlfriend.
Months passed, we went out after schools, met each other in school, all in front of my ex (which was rather unintentional, honest). I was happy. Or... I THOUGHT I was. I soon realised her true nature and that I was never truly in her heart. I realised that I was just looking for a substitude, and that my ex-girlfriend can never be replaced. And my 2nd girlfriend got tired of me too, so she dumped me and went to hook onto another guy. Poor guy.
After that, I tried to get back on normal terms with my ex-girlfriend, just chatting up once in a while before the year ended. It was only successful a few times.
The year came and went, and it was a new year. The final year in my secondary school. Same class, but everyone seemed to have been reborn as fresh, new people. So did I. I was determined to live my life to the best I could that year.
Whether it was fate poking at me to adhere to it, or just a test of my will, I was seated in the same group with her. (We were split into groups of 4). It was awkward for the first few hours, but naturally, we started chatting up again, pretending that nothing had happened in the previous year. I felt alive again.
Months passed, we changed seats once again but this time I was behind her. Our relation improved, there were jokes once in a while about us getting back together but we just dismissed them (she would get annoyed at anyone who said that, although in a rather cute way haha. She was also one of the more influential people in the class, because she was a really nice person and all.) There were a few chances for me to get our relation one step further and possibly return things to normal. One was one during this celebration called 'Racial Harmony Day', where we would dress up in ethnic costumes from other races. We both dressed up in yukatas, and of course, there were all those rumors (which we denied in unison).
Then came the moment where everyone started going home, and we were one of the only few people left in the class. I had whole 10 minutes to ask her to take a photo together. 10 FUCKING MINUTES.
I just sat there, and after 10 minutes (where she was doing absolutely nothing), she went home.
I never felt so angry at myself before.
After that, our relation just stayed at the 'we are friends' level. It never progressed and it only slowly declined.
O levels came and went, we all graduated.
She's now in a different school from me. But I still can't forget about her. Two months ago, I received a package from somebody. It was rectangular and light. I opened it up and I saw a Haruhi drawing. Surprised, I checked the contents and I saw a letter.
It read:
"Dear Ho Sung,
This is actually the present I wanted to give you on the year when we were together. Till now, I still don't have the courage to pass it to you personally. So, since I don't think we will still have a lot of chance to meet in the future, I might as well mail it to you now. Thanks for treating me so good. I'm sorry. But I think we still can be friends. Just to give you some advice. Don't be too complacent. And don't get too addicted to anime. Hope you can do as well, or even better in your JC! Find a better girl, k?! Good luck!
- (name)"
I have never cried so much as that day.
she seems like a really nice girl
